Chapter 35

Eight years. Billie couldn't image it. What had he done in prison for eight years? He did what he could to survive she guessed, and in the circumstances he had managed quite well. John came out with a gang and plans. They were no ordinary plans, but he had been feeding off corruption for years. She could only imagine how things inside of him had been building up. Early on he had lost his wife- something he claimed wasn't as tragic as it sounded, but Billie considered he just said that for her benefit. No matter now fitting or inevitable it may have been it still probably hurt. His father had remarried several times, one of those women passing away while John was incarcerated. She knew she was only trying to justify things, but maybe John was just an unlucky man who had made even worse choices.

"Oh, I went crazy alright," he mused. "Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Maybe a few wires got snapped all that time I was in there." He almost chuckled but was too tired. Billie was resting her body against him, her head on his shoulder. She could feel his words as they reverberated through her body.

He began to get nostalgia, if that could even describe it. He didn't miss prison at all but the memories haunted him. There, death was as familiar as corruption. It was a breeding ground of hate, violence, and everything that was evil. A man committed suicide in the cell next to him. Riots were planned, inmates against guards and inmates even against themselves. He was present when a guard was beaten near to death. These weren't things he wanted Billie to ever see or know in full detail, but helped in whatever way it did to get them off his chest. She was so comforting there next to him, her breath warm on his neck. He couldn't be hurt by those memories any more.

"If a guy died there and his family didn't claim him he was buried in the cemetery. On the headstone they only put your number...I was 13225...they never put your name." He took a heavy breath. Billie arched her gaze upward, seeing emotion taking over him. "That...that was my biggest fear. I never wanted..."

He made a sound like something was caught in his throat. At this point Billie picked herself up, facing him. "You know that would have never happened," she told him gently, brushing back his hair. "Your family loves you, John. So much. Everyone loves you."

He looked over at her, a slightly amused smile on his face. He was enjoying hearing her say his name, and she looked to like it as well. He believed Billie only said that because she loved him, at least he thought she did, and she was able to see everything in a pure light. He didn't agree with her completely, but he loved her for thinking so.

"I would never let that happen to you." Her eyes were clear and searching his. John felt a warmth come over his heart and lighten his insides. Her words were a realization. She was in his life now and because of this he believed her. It was a whole new emotion he could hardly grasp. He leaned forward and kissed her, their lips pouty against each other. They were slow and the kiss did not last long but it made its point. He had been moved.

"You know when you said you thought we were meant to be together?" she asked in a small voice. John smiled.

"Yeah?"

"You'd still love me the same no matter what?" He nodded. "Well...what if...well, what if I was a kid. A baby, even?"

John's smile stayed. "I still would have felt something. I would have known I was meant to take care of you."

No one had ever said such a thing to Billie. She didn't even know someone could feel that way. She smiled brightly, enjoying the whole new world she felt opening up in front of her. "You'd still love me the same if I was eighty-years-old?" she asked dubiously.

This time John narrowed his eyes. "I might not take you to bed," he said boldly to which she blushed. "But I'd still know that you were someone I needed to know, that we would do something for each other."

She remained smiling, lost in thoughts that obviously pleased her. He didn't know how much truth she took from him any more but it was all sincere. Softening his voice again he wanted to make himself clear. "It's true, Billie. I need you with me. I need you in my sight...to know you're safe..."

Safety had a new meaning. John was the most wanted man in the country; he lived and had a personal relationship with danger. Due to this, Billie too was in danger. It was simply a fact they would both have to live with; they couldn't be together otherwise. Now, more than ever, John was aware of the kind of life he lived and how he needed to protect her. Life couldn't possibly be better with Billie, but in its own way it would be harder. He would take that challenge.

"How do you know you love me?" she asked. "How are you so sure?"

He was confident about everything. Perhaps that was what made him so endearing, or at times completely intolerable. Only now, in times like these did he show his hesitance, his fears, and Billie was sure she was one of the only people honored enough to witness it. "You can take care of me," he started. John liked to be the provider; he felt it his duty, and one he did enjoy greatly, to protect and dote upon others. That fact was, and he didn't admit to it often, that he too needed protection and tenderness and some form of security. He found that in Billie; little, shy Billie. She had an incomprehensible power, and he imagined that most of it was emitted through her love.

"You can heal me in just a touch," he continued. He tried to explain to her that it didn't matter how young or inexperienced she was. She held the power over him, they shared the love, and that's what she had over everyone else, woman or man.

His words did make Billie feel better. They often did. Still, these were serious things he mentioned. She imagined herself caring for him in the literal sense. She would be like a wife, and it was a pleasant realization to her to know someone saw her in that way and that she too took pleasure in the idea. John wanted her to be a woman, and she could be, she wanted to be; she would do that for him.

Internally, Billie was making big decisions. Life-changing ones. She had a choice to remain with John, indefinitely, and it was her choice as to whether or not to believe his words. She wanted to, but that did not mean it would easy, and didn't mean that she had no anxieties. Up to this point she had hardly experienced the kind of anxiety she would face in this new life. The future was unknown and scary, but by his side she imagined it to be magnificent.

Billie arched up and placed her hands on John's face, forcing him to hold eye contact. "Am I making a mistake?" she asked in a gentle whisper though the words were full of intensity.

John gulped. Billie knew what she was getting herself into, or perhaps she didn't, and that fear was written clear across her dazzling eyes. "No," he told her sternly. "And I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you."

It was a promise, and after a moment it was sealed with a kiss.