My head is resting on Josh's belly. His hand is playing with my hair. I think I drooled on him.
"Are you really awake this time?" He asks as I sit up.
"Um, yes?" I'm feeling a little foggy, but it's coming back to me. Bad dreams, tossing and turning, falling back to sleep several times. Josh holding me. I look him over. Normally if I sleep this late he's left the bed, accomplished several things, and returned to me. It doesn't look like it today.
"Did you go for a run this morning?"
"No, I didn't want to take the chance of you waking up again and being alone."
Ugh. I'm not weak. I could handle it. But, it does feel much better to wake up with him. Yesterday was so perfect, then that horrid nightmare. Somehow my brain has merged Rosslyn and Gaza. I see that Josh is about to be shot, but I'm trapped upside down in a burning SUV and can't save him. I feel myself shudder. Josh notices and opens his arms. When I crawl back into them, he wraps me up. This is where I want to be. Safe.
"Hey, I'm right here. You can talk to me. You don't have to keep it all inside."
He's speaking very softly and it's very soothing but I don't want to say the words out loud. I don't want to admit that I sometimes I can't control the fear and it gets the better of me. I don't want to need help.
"You didn't have to cancel your run for me. I'd be okay."
"Donna," Josh sighs, "I know I didn't have to. I wanted to. Rick said he could run later if I want. But even if he couldn't, I'd rather be here with you. I need a little extra time with you this weekend. I need to hold you in my arms and remind myself that you're okay. I have nightmares about Gaza sometimes too."
"You do?" I didn't know that, but I guess I'm not shocked.
"Yes. Please don't shut me out of what you are going through. I think we can help each other."
I'm not really ready to talk yet. But I'm willing to listen. So I ask him- "What was it like last year?"
"I worked almost non-stop because I was afraid to close my eyes. I wanted to reach out to you but I had no idea how you'd react if I brought the topic up. You were barely speaking to me. I didn't want to take any chances that you'd walk out of my life completely."
That sucks. I hate thinking that he need me and I wasn't there, but I don't think I could have helped him.
"I probably wouldn't have reacted very well. One of the reasons I left the White House was because I was trying to keep it all together and I was having a harder and harder time doing it there. Being busy with the campagin definitely helped, just because it was different and there wasn't much time to think about anything else."
Josh holds me a little tighter before speaking again.
"At one point during the weekend, I thought about tracking down what city you were in and just going there so I could see that you were okay for myself. I picked up the phone to call you several times, just to hear your voice, even if you were yelling at me. But I didn't want to do something that would make it harder on you. I even thought about sending flowers but it didn't seem appropriate."
"That never stopped you before, Mr. Our Anniversary is in April."
He gives me a little tickle in retaliation for that comment and I breathe a little easier. It's always easier to banter with him than to have a serious conversation. And I'm still not sure how ready I am to talk about this. But if I don't do it now, will it really be any easier next year? And I don't want to always be moody or withdrawn during this time of year, especially once we have kids.
"I didn't sleep much Memorial weekend last year either. The nightmares were really bad." I pause and take a deep breath. Josh is just listening. Maybe I can do this.
"One of the nightmares is a combination of Rosslyn and Gaza. I'm trapped and I can't get to you."
"Oh, baby." He kisses my head sympathetically but doesn't say anything else, so I go on.
"But, at least when I wake up I know you're okay. The one that really haunts me is Admiral Fitzwallace telling me that he wasn't supposed to die, that he was supposed to be enjoying retirement with his wife, and asking me why I deserved to live when he didn't."
My throat closes and my eyes fill with tears. "I already know it's called survivor's guilt. I just don't know how to make it go away."
Josh strokes his hand down my head and rubs my back. He lets me fight against the tears for a few minutes. When he speaks, his voice is very rough.
"I'm sorry to tell you, I don't think it ever completely goes away. But it gets better. Having a professional to talk to does help me. You are one of the people that's reminded me of that over the years."
"I had my six therapy sessions covered by insurance! I'm cured." I shoot back sarcastically, then regret it. I shouldn't take this out on him. It's not his fault. The six sessions I had were helpful, but I couldn't afford to continue them without insurance. The therapist gave me a check list of things to look out for, and said I could call if I needed to, but I never did.
Josh caresses my arm gently. "We're going to try to fix health care. It kills me to know that you didn't get what you needed. But it's not too late to start talking to someone now, if you want."
Our insurance coverage is a lot better than what I had before and Josh could afford it even if it wasn't covered. But I don't know.
"I'll think about it. I've only had two nightmares in the last 7 months. I think I'm adjusting. And I promise I'll try not to shut you out."
"Okay." Josh responds softly.
I lay in his arms for a while, then I hear the kids playing nearby. I lived. It's time to get up and go do it.
After breakfast, we head toward Hickory Lodge. Several kids race by on scooters. It looks like they're having a great time.
"I don't like those things. They're dangerous." Josh mutters, sounding a little like a grumpy old man.
I roll my eyes. "They're just scooters, Josh."
"Well, they should be wearing helmets."
"Hi Tio Josh! Hi Tia Donna!" Miranda hollers as she passes us in a blur. She is really moving.
Suddenly the front wheel hits a stone and Miranda goes flying. She hits the pavement and skids several feet. It's silent for 3 seconds then a wail like I've never heard comes out of her little body.
By the time I can react, Josh is already running toward her. I don't think I've ever seen him move so fast. He scoops her up and sprints towards the infirmary.
Miranda's screaming echoes through the camp, and several cabin doors pop open. Three of the aunts come running towards us. Dolores tries to take Miranda from him but she clings to him and he doesn't slow down.
"I've got her. Go get Helen." One of the aunts runs off toward Aspen as I follow Josh.
As Miranda's wails start to fade in intensity, I can hear Josh comforting her. "You're gonna be fine sweetheart. I've got you."
The doctor is waiting for us in the infirmary. I assume that the agents gave him a heads up that we were coming.
"What happen?" He asks Miranda but she's still whimpering and clinging to Josh.
"Her scooter hit a rock. She took a hard fall."
"Did you hit your head?" The doctor asks, shining a light into her eyes. Miranda shakes her head no.
"Okay, Mr. Lyman, I'm going to need you to put her on the examination table."
"No!" Miranda shrieks.
"Miranda!" Helen rushes into the room with Matt on her heels.
"Mommy!" Miranda is finally ready to let go of Josh so he takes the opportunity to set her on the table, while Helen takes her hand.
"Thanks, Josh" Matt clasps his shoulder as we leave the cabin.
Once we're outside, Josh bends in half and takes a couple deep calming breaths. It's good to see that he's not really huffing and puffing. He really is getting back into shape. After a few seconds, he stands back up.
"No scooters for our kids, Donna." He says firmly, "that goes for you too."
I bristle a little at the order, but now's not the time for this discussion. He's worked up over what just happened.
"No rollerblades either. Maybe bikes, but only with helmets and pads. And only if we live in a safe cul-de-sac."
Well, I guess we are going to have this conversation now.
"No Football. Hockey is out of the question. Absolutely no gymnastics. Maybe the swim team. . ." Josh doesn't seem to be slowing down.
"Josh." I interrupt him before our kids end up doomed to spending their whole lives in bubble wrap. "They're kids. You have to let them be kids. Sometimes they're gonna fall down and scrape their knees. You can't protect them from everything."
His eyes reflect his inner torment. He really does think it's his job to protect them from everything.
"But I can try. I'm telling you. No scooters."
"Okay." I'll give him that one. There is no point in arguing about it now while the little bean is still safely inside of me.
Quite a crowd has gathered around Eucalyptus waiting for an update about Miranda. About 15 minutes goes by, then Matt comes out with her in his arms. One side of her body seems to be covered in white gauze.
"Miranda is going to be fine. She's got a pretty good case of road rash. But nothing's broken."
Josh releases a big sigh of relief, while Matt continues-
"She's going back to the cabin to have a nap, and think about why she wasn't wearing her helmet. She's really lucky she didn't hit her head. You all know you are supposed to have helmets on." He levels a Dad death glare at the group of kids standing next to scooters. "If I see anyone else on scooters without a helmet, I'm going to make you really sorry you disobeyed." The kids all look appropriately chastised and even I get a shiver down my spine.
As we walk away, I chuckle a little bit, feeling kind of silly at myself.
"What?" Josh asks curiously.
"Matt really has that Dad voice down. You'd better believe I won't be riding a scooter without a helmet."
"You'd better not be riding a scooter at all, young lady."
"Not bad, honey. Your Dad voice isn't quite as intimidating as Matt's but you're getting there."
He gives me a little sheepish grin.
"Seriously, Josh, you were really good with Miranda back there. You're totally ready for this Dad thing."
With that, he gives me the full-out, mega-dimples grin. The one that stops my heart and starts up other parts of me. Maybe we'll get lucky and be the only ones in the movie theatre and get to make out while we watch Spider-Man 3.
"That was nice! A movie that wasn't animated!" Maria says smiling.
"And Mom said she'd put the kids down for their naps after lunch." Luis adds. "They're probably getting back to her cabin now, so if we hurry up and eat we can have a little more alone adult time!" He wiggles his eyebrows at her and Josh chuckles at them.
"Is this what's in our future?"
"YES!" They say in unison.
"Kids are great, but I'm telling you, hermano, take advantage of the alone adult time while you can." Luis says seriously.
True to their word, Maria and Luis grab their food to go. But we have a nice time chatting with Roberto & Tina and Merisa & Steve. Even though they are quite a bit younger than us, they've got the couple with no kids thing that we can relate to for the time being. They invite us to play cards, but Josh and I decline their invitation, and they head back towards Hickory.
As we get ready to leave, I realize something. "Just a sec, I gotta pee."
When I come back out of the bathroom, Josh is standing there, with a sly smile, holding a bag.
"What'cha got?"
"Strawberries and whipped cream. I thought we could practice taking advantage of alone adult time."
"Good plan, babe. Good plan."
When we're done practicing, it's time for the Santos Family BBQ.
The Camp David staff has been great. Helen wanted it as much like their traditional cookouts as possible, which meant having the kitchen staff purchase the ingredients for Matt's Mom and Sisters so they could prepare most of the food themselves.
Several long tables have been added to the patio and they are covered with food that smells amazing: Salsa Verde Enchiladas, Pulled Pork, Tomatillo Chicken Stew, Jalapeno Cornbread, Refried Beans, Guacamole, Corn Salsa and homemade tortilla chips. There's also a table with typical a "American" BBQ spread: Potato Salad, Macaroni Salad, Fruit Salad and Baked Beans. Matt is grilling hamburgers and hot dogs.
"Josh, Donna, come join us!" Helen calls us over to a table where she's sitting with Elena and Paul. "I saved you seats."
That was really nice. I haven't spent much time with Helen this weekend. She and Elena are such good friends, I haven't wanted to intrude on their reunion.
"You want a beer?" Paul asks as we sit.
Josh looks to me and I nod. I'm not really holding him to my request that he not drink, but I appreciate that he checks with me first.
"Sure, that'd be great. Sam Adams, if they've got it."
As Paul leaves, Josh turns to Elena. "So, got any good stories about Helen?"
"Hell, yeah." Elena responds with a laugh.
"Oh, no. El. Don't give him any ammunition."
"I won't tell him anything Matt doesn't already know." Elena offers but she's clearly warming up to storytelling. She looks at Josh.
"Which would you rather hear: How Helen got her tat or the Story of the Armadillo?" Helen groans out loud but her eyes are still sparkling.
"Both!" Josh says with a grin, clearly enjoying Helen's discomfort.
"You know, Helen and I met while pledging Zeta. We both had all the right pageant titles, but no money. But I helped their diversity quotas. And Helen, well look at her, of course they wanted her. They took us as charity cases. Since we were kind of the odd girls out, we really bonded. We ended up rooming together for three years."
"Best three years of my life" Helen snarks.
"I heard that!" Matt yells from the grill.
"You're gonna get it later." Elena giggles.
"God, I hope so." Helen sighs. "Why'd I agree to take all the kids again?"
"Because you have 2 Nannies and live in a 14 bedroom house now, and you're throwing the rest of us a bone!" Elena rattles back good-naturedly.
"Is this the tat story or the armadillo story?" Josh asks hoping to get Elena back on track.
"That was the background story. Nice job trying to distract me there, Hen, but it didn't work."
"So most of our sisters were okay. We knew that they thought they were better than us, but they think that about everybody. And at least they thought we were better than everybody else. But one sister, Jennifer, was the ultimate mean girl, and after a year Helen had about enough of her."
"God, I hope this is the armadillo story." Josh interjects. He's totally into it.
"Excellent deduction! For the rest of her time at UT, Jennifer had the misfortune of finding dead armadillos in the strangest of places. On her window sill, in the trunk of her car, in the back of her closet. She was convinced it was an old boyfriend but she could never prove it. And the reason she couldn't prove it was because it was our dear friend, Helen here."
"Don't mess with Texas." Helen declares.
Just then Matt announces "Okay everybody. Time to eat."
Helen gets up to stand by Matt. "I guess you'll have to save the tat story for later."
As soon as she leaves, Elena whispers. "It's a good one too. We got the tats after Helen had met Matt and let's just say he wasn't too happy about it."