Chapter 58
On the car ride home John tried to get Billie to talk. She wouldn't, at least she didn't say much, and John's concern grew. He didn't quite know where to place the blame, but he knew something had happened. Billie wasn't one to up and change her mood so drastically for no apparent reason. Something set her off. He kept thinking of Homer. Maybe he had done something he didn't mean to- the man was good at that. It was pretty safe to say he was socially awkward, and he could have said something or done something without knowing how it would be taken.
It wasn't like Billie to keep things back either. John liked to think that they were past those emotions; that they could be honest with one another. She was a nice girl. Thoughtful and caring. Maybe she knew how John was likely to react to something or someone bothering her, and she held back for that persons sake. She wouldn't want anybody hurt, taking the pain herself. He thought of all this, of almost every possible scenario that could have happened in those few minutes.
"Billie," he started softly, glancing over to her in the car. She was seated far away from him. "You don't have to protect Homer if he-"
He didn't get to finish. "No, Johnnie," she was adamant though her voice had grown weary. "It wasn't Homer."
Later, Billie would want to apologize for startling Homer like that and thus causing John to be skeptical of him. Now, however, her mind was too consumed. She knew what she saw and she knew it was wrong. The image in her brain kept re-playing itself, over and over, each time Billie seeing Pete kiss the woman it grew more and more sinister. She felt like she was keeping a secret and she didn't like that feeling at all when John was involved. She was torn. She wanted to share the burden of knowing, but then how would John react? He could turn wild with anger and resentment. Pete was his friend. Generally, one gave their friends the benefit of the doubt. No matter what (and there were lot's of 'what's' in this case), one wanted to think their friends were good people.
John would be mad. He would turn on Pete and Pete would turn on him. Then there was Mairy. Billie almost winced just thinking about the woman. Why, why out of everyone did it have to Billie who'd witnessed his infidelity? As if Mairy needed another reason to hate her. Should she tell the woman? It felt like a betrayal not to, but then who would want to receive that news, and who would want to give it? Billie wanted no part in anything but now she was glued in the middle. Perhaps doing nothing was the greatest disservice. She couldn't bear this secret all by herself.
Hesitantly she looked over at John. In the shadows of the car she could see the tense set of his jaw and the hallow of his cheeks. If it were him...if someone had seen him the way she'd seen Pete...she would want to know. It was fair- but it wasn't easy.
When they entered the apartment John was getting extra nervous. Billie wouldn't speak to him and she acted like she didn't even want to be close to him. He followed her right into the bedroom, at her heels. He flipped on a light while Billie's feet remained planted on the same spot on the floor. She didn't even turn around. After a moment he reached out, barely touching her shoulder and murmuring, "Baby..."
She shied away from his touch, a gesture that set a firm frown on John's face. In one movement she had turned to face him and held up a hand to shush him. She took a few deep breaths that rocked her shoulders, building up the courage to speak. When she did her eyes were glancing elsewhere. "I saw Pete with another woman. Two...two...other...women..."
Only after the words had hung in the air a moment did she raise her eyes to him. Slowly John processed this information and her reactions thus far. It started to make sense, and when it finally did he smiled. Actually, he chuckled, and began to work his jacket off his shoulders. Of course Billie would find the whole notion horrendous, but he was too used to it. "Oh, sweetheart. It's not uncommon for the guys to have more than one girl. They got 'um just about every place we go. Red, too. It's just what the guys do."
His reaction appalled her. How casually he spoke, like he were talking about the weather or what he wanted for breakfast. Never had Billie felt this kind of anger or hurt toward him, not even when she found out about his identity. Those feelings had passed, but this sensation was completely fresh. All kinds of thoughts, fears, and hideous ideas started sprouting in her mind and multiplying. It was too much. She stormed off toward the bathroom, the door slamming behind her.
When the bang echoed through the apartment John frowned again. They were fighting, he didn't even know why but the whole thing already felt nasty and harsh. He stormed after her, tugging at his tie roughly and pulling open the bathroom door. He saw Billie across the room crouched on the floor, her head and hands braced up against the wall. It was such an ominous position that he became conflicted with anger and worry.
"Billie?" his voice was stern but also filled with concern. He crouched down near her, again reaching for her shoulder and she drew back. She had never recoiled from him like that and he was hurt by this more than he was ready for. If she were going to be like that he'd keep his distance, too.
Some time passed in that heated, sweltering tension. Billie's shoulders were still wavering. She couldn't wrap her mind around it. It was cruel, but she almost understood the dysfunction in Pete and Mairy's relationship. Jane and Red, she couldn't; Red was so demur, and Jane was so kind. How could he do that to her? Her mind, her heart, her feelings were being blown off the hinges. Bravely she began to stammer, "Do you... You don't have... You don't have..."
She couldn't even say it, but soon enough John caught on. When he did he recoiled from her and sat back, offended and hurt beyond explanation. A look of disgust crossed his face. "How could you...how could you think that?" he spat. He had never felt these passionate negative feelings toward Billie and he didn't like it. He didn't like it at all. At that point he felt he had just enough right to be upset as she. "Is that what you think of me?" he uttered his trademark challenge.
"No!" she answered, almost yelped. She made to move away from the wall but couldn't quite do it yet. "No, no I don't. I think that you love me. That's why it hurt so much."
Again, silence. Their heavy breathing could be heard faintly. Slowly, Billie pulled herself from the wall, gulping. An arm was still wrapped protectively around her stomach, she clearly feeling sick. Eventually she was brave enough to look up and see John's expression. The mans insides, his reeling and fiery emotions were still spinning. It took some time for her words to sink in, that what both of them were feeling wasn't real, wasn't as bad as they imagined. Really, it was a misunderstanding of great proportions.
John sat on his knees, running his hand through his hair. He didn't speak and Billie could see that he was still on edge. He looked on the verge of snapping, but really he was just coming down from those emotions. If he wasn't going to speak she would have to. She didn't want to fight; no matter who was at fault now was not the time to be overcome with pride. Someone had to try.
"I'm so sorry, Johnnie," she whispered. "I doubted you, even for just a second, and I'm ashamed. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."
What had crossed in her mind was just an idea. A concept. Billie felt scarred by what she saw with Pete and John tried to understand that. All that was enough to fill her mind with seeds of doubt; questions. She hadn't actually suspected John of infidelity, she'd told him that, but the idea had crossed her mind...as it naturally might. Just like the idea John had that Billie would like that boy that asked to dance with her- it was just an idea. Neither of them believed in it. He couldn't say he had never had such thoughts about Billie, she just admitted them to him, and went further to admit it was wrong, even the simple idea. He had to respect that.
Still, there was silence. It was Billie's turn to grow worried. Not knowing what to do she thought about what she'd want, how things would be if they weren't fighting. They would be close, physically, touching in some way and things would feel easy. Through the quiet the girl reached out and laid her hand upon his. "I'm sorry, Johnnie," she said again.
After a beat Billie felt him respond. His fingers moved under hers and soon enough he'd brought his whole palm to hers, they holding hands. It was such a relief Billie could almost feel her body lighten. John glanced to her. She did look extra pale and her eyes were heavy and wet. He wasn't sure if her eyes had watered from feeling sick or if they were actual tears. It alarmed and worried him to see how physically sick she appeared when emotionally troubled.
Billie stood a little shakily on her knees and neared him, her hands on his shoulders and then rising to his face. John closed his eyes as he saw her coming closer, she beginning to kiss all across his face. Involuntarily he gave a wisp of a smile. As easily as that they were back to normal. Anger had a funny way of changing everything, and with John's temper it was all but cataclysmic. In the seconds he had become enraged toward her, with her own help he realized that the feeling was only toward something imagined. He thought that Billie trusted him, that she knew he would never do anything to betray her. It was in thinking that what he expected was false was where the hurt came from. For her, it was exactly the same.
It seemed so simple, such an obvious knowledge, and yet John never understood until that moment. When he had fought with women in the past it was all the same; there were accusations and threats and then nasty digs. That was all unnecessary. Maybe he'd never really known why he was fighting until now. Billie hadn't actually accused him of anything. Instead of attacking one another they searched for truth. It was a new and scary experience for him, but thankfully, every truth he was learning was better than he expected. If the fight had escalated to name-calling, John tried to play it out in his mind. He couldn't. Billie had a lot of negativity choose from in regards to himself but she would never turn on him like that. John had less to complain about with Billie and knew that he could never say anything malicious about her.
"Kiss me," Billie whispered. John didn't pause at all and brought his lips to hers. The kiss felt extra powerful. He'd never known a woman to make the first move, to be the first to apologize. He loved and respected her for this. When they parted their faces were still close, it being John's turn to touch her cheeks.
"Just 'cause the guys do it doesn't mean I agree with it. I would never. I love you, Billie. I don't want you to think that, I want you to know it."
"I do. I do. And I want you to know I love you. What can I do to prove it?"
He smiled and brushed the hair from her forehead. "You prove it everyday, doll."