Chapter 61

John was gone two and a half days. Billie suffered a miscarriage on the first.

There was much blood and pain. It had happened during the night when John and the gang should have been home. As John had bragged, it didn't take long to rob a bank. When they were gone later than expected everyone became anxious. Jane and Mairy were more accustomed to such situations but were still exceptionally worried. Billie was panicked. Anything could have happened to them. They could be in jail or, God forbid, dead. It was difficult, as if anticipating bad news, but it was routine to have all the radios on different stations while the men were out. It was the only place they would hear anything.

The distress was heavy that evening. When Billie started feeling more sick accompanied with bleeding that wasn't related to a normal womanly cycle, she confided in Jane. Jane had been by her side since the onset of the unusual cramping, but it was she who decided to take Billie to a hospital. It was a serious matter, she needing aid at once, but Jane was conflicted. The danger level was extra high right after a robbery- all the authorities would be on high alert, looking for any sign of the gangs presence, including activity from the girlfriends. No one was certain if the Feds or the press knew about Billie yet, but they knew of the other two women.

John had trusted Jane to take care of Billie while he was gone. No one had expected anything to happen, but now it had. Red was the resident medic and from him Jane had learned some things. She could care for a bad flu and clean just about any kind of wound, but this was different. She felt pressure, not only from John but from her duty as Billie's friend. The woman had to make sure Billie was treated and that she didn't endanger all of them at the same time. There was no safe hospital she knew of, but she knew of one close to a secure area the gang had in Illinois. When a member of the gang was wounded, which was frequent, no doctor would work on them without being paid heavily, and even then there was still the threat of exposure. Not to mention, all the doctors she did know were pseudo-medics like Red, or down and out con-men with access to a scalpel. She was sure John would not want any of the like touching Billie with a ten foot pole.

It was a stupid idea, Mairy even told her not to do it, but Jane was near hysteria. She was going to drive Billie to Illinois to the hospital. Even through her pain Billie had her mind fixed on John; if going that far would guard or shield him from danger in any way she would do it, even at her own expense. She only asked that Jane start driving right away and she did, the two of them setting out and speeding across the state line.

The gang landed a little over fifty-two thousand dollars at the robbery in Mason City. From there they set out to Wisconsin. John wasn't expecting a second robbery, nor did he imagine they'd be leaving the state. Walter wanted to team up with some friends and at the last minute with little details the rest of the gang agreed. Everyone, that is, but John. He didn't like the idea of leaving Billie any longer than he had to and without a word. Not to mention, they weren't as chummy with the guys Walter spoke of, and he thought it all too risky. They had gained a good haul in Iowa. That was enough for him but the guys were caught in the moment, still feeling the high from their loot and wanting to press their good luck.

When he declined and became further perturbed to be taken into the next state against his will, the gang took to calling him out. He was acting funny. In any other case John would have been the first one leading and planning the next robbery, no matter how far. He'd be just as fired up as the rest of the guys, and now he was dragging them down. No one said it, but they all knew. It was Billie.

Jane was scheming and networking those two days just as much, if not far harder than the men. At the hospital Billie was admitted and Jane found an address book in her purse. Who could she call? She wanted John to be aware of what was happening, but how could she contact him? Jane placed calls to Mairy who told her the same chilling thing each time she answered- there was no news. They still didn't know the whereabouts of the gang, if any of them were still standing. She wanted to cry.

Finally, hours later, the third time Jane called Mairy had heard from Pete. He called but didn't tell her where they were, just that they were alright. Mairy had passed along the message and it had made it to John. It might have been the nicest thing she had ever done for Billie yet.

It was Red who told John, and when he found out he refused to travel any further. If the gang wanted to continue without him, they would be robbing the next bank by themselves. Red offered to stay with John and immediately the two men packed into a car, headed to Illinois.

It was a long ride in which John had plenty of time to think. It was agonizing. He couldn't remember how long he'd been awake. It was the middle of the night, and earlier he'd robbed the bank in Iowa. He would pass another day and night in the car, getting to Billie late in the morning of the third day. No one had told John anything for certain, he was only given assumptions. Billie had gotten very sick, the hospital was treating it as a miscarriage, but that would mean Billie was pregnant. If she was she hadn't told him. Or maybe she had never known herself. They had thought Billie was getting sick with something like the flu; like what John had. Could it have been something else altogether?

It wasn't impossible. Billie and John had never gone as far to discuss children. They thought of a future together, but certain details weren't as clear as others. The only thing they had added to their relationship was the kitten and that had happened by chance. John didn't even know if Billie wanted children. With his first wife a family was something that was just supposed to happen. It never did, and John considered it his inability that added to their marriage troubles. Now, it was mind blowing to think it had occurred without intention, without he or Billie knowing.

This was one of those things that changed everything. He could barely remember that he had robbed a bank just the day before and it was the last thing on his mind. Not too long ago his life was a one-person adventure. Now he had Billie, and he might just have more. He'd never lived for anything other than himself. After the shock and disbelief and debating started to subside there came realization. There was content exhilaration with a splash of panic and sheer terror. There could be a being in the world that was half Billie, half himself. The perfect combination. Was there anything better in the world? With this great blessing came incomprehensible responsibility. Not only would there be Billie to take care of, but a baby, and how was he to do that? He'd been around children and babies all his life, there were always many in the family, but they'd never been his.

Of course, if there was a baby there would be Billie, and John wouldn't have to bear it all alone. He'd be a father and she a mother. The thought, at once a frightening sentiment, now made him smile. Billie would be wonderful. He couldn't think of a better woman to share a family with. She was young but her heart was bigger than the world. Just when John's thoughts were calming down he remembered the biggest detail at hand- Billie was ill, and if there was a baby, there was a chance it wasn't there anymore. This thought, after sitting with the previous ones for some time, was tragic. He felt physically sick himself, and all this time he hadn't been able to speak to her. Billie was bearing it all alone.

Since they'd been together, living with one another, John and Billie hadn't been apart for more than a few hours. As Billie lay in a cold hospital bed, feeling an emptiness deep down in her soul that she never even knew she could feel, she hadn't heard from John in days. He could be dead. He could have been in jail, and either way she probably wouldn't ever seen him again. Her thoughts were in a dark, hopeless place. She'd been in the hospital since the previous day, her dreams and her fears all come true. It was a new and beautiful morning, yet Billie felt as if there were nothing left. Her life was ending just as suddenly as it had begun.

There was nothing she could do. She couldn't save a child that she had barely created, and she could do nothing about the absence of John. She felt like a hollow, empty, helpless being. A waste. Before she had even known what she'd done, she had failed. She had failed the baby and she'd failed John. Tears were brimmed in her eyes and trailing against her cheeks for hours on end. If John really was gone, a thought that was hard to comprehend seriously, what would happen to her? She couldn't go back home. Was her family even her family anymore? Would they still want her? There was Mary and her family, Audrey and Emmet, but Billie was sure she'd burned those bridges too.

She felt like a commoner, like the general public, and she hated it. John had become just as invisible to her as he was to the rest of the world. When by his side Billie was in the know and she felt superior. Now there was nothing special about her. The fact that John could disappear so easily, even from her, was a staggering feeling. She started to think that she just ought to start wondering about the possibility of life without him...what she'd do and where she'd go. The feeling was too petrifying to take wholeheartedly. She didn't want to give him up, even hypothetically, and even if she were in denial she'd go on believing he'd be back, that things would be the same again.