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A one time thing
Chapter Seven - Broken hearts
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If it only takes a moment for your life to change forever, can a 'one time thing' right the wrong? An AU Caskett meeting.
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Kate's standing outside his door for the second time in one night, and, really– is she insane? She should pretend that she never saw the book. That she didn't flip it over and scrutinize the small, grainy photo on the back. That she didn't stare at her partner's image- granted a much younger and more carefree version than the one she met this week.
But the questions that are nagging at her are only getting louder. The yelling inside her head is now a dull roar that won't be silenced, no matter how much she tells herself that this is probably going to well and truly blow up in her face.
Knocking quickly - before the raging war inside splits her head in half - she again waits. And waits.
Her nervousness is no doubt stretching her sense of time and she shifts from foot to foot to release the pent up energy. She will not start banging on the door like some thirteen year old trying to get the attention of her crush.
But then, what if he didn't hear the first one?
Huffing loudly at herself, the door swings open and Rick greets her with a raised eyebrow. Apparently he heard and his mouth widens as he grins.
"If you've come back to finish what we started, I'm gonna have to insist on a gag this time."
Idiot.
Narrowing her eyes, she glares down her nose, puts as much disdain as she can into one look. Not that she's against accessories per se, but no one shuts her up!
"I know who you are."
He moves to close the door and she shoves a foot in the rapidly tapering gap; wraps a hand around its edge. He can be a prick but he's not going to slam her fingers in the door- right?
The pressure evaporates from the other side and taking advantage of this, she opens it to enter. He's walking away from her, shoulders slumped, head drooped and it leaves her standing stupidly in the doorway. She's put this weight on him, by calling him on his past life and her bottom lip becomes trapped between her teeth as she worries it. Does her need for answers triumph over the pain this may cause?
Dropping to the sofa, both of his hands scrub the skin of his face, his head arching back into the cushions behind and she closes the door quietly.
She can do this. Handle him with care, just like any other grieving family member.
She can do this- and remain detached.
Approaching slowly, Kate crosses the room with caution; it's like walking toward a wounded animal. One wrong step and it's all going to go sideways. Sinking into the space next to him, she carefully leaves some air between, god forbid he startles, and breathing deeply she plays her trump card.
"You're Richard Castle."
And then there is nothing but silence. Minutes and minutes of awkward silence.
He forces himself not to react to her declaration, keeps breathing in and out. His eyes remain closed and while it is highly unlikely to work, his game plan is to just sit here and wait her out. Maybe at some point she will give in and go home?
Yeah. Right. Because everything that he's learnt about Kate Beckett in the last few days points to the fact that she's a quitter who is happy to walk away from a mystery. His snort of disbelief breaks the silence, and he doesn't need to open his eyes to see her quizzical glance; the heat from her eyes is burning holes into his flesh.
"You're not going to let this go, are you? Can't you just Google yourself an answer?"
Slanting sideways, his gaze falls heavily onto her and the worried lines that are furrowing her forehead adorably. He holds her stare as time stops moving around them, until, reaching forward, she slides her hand delicately over his wrist, her fingers caressing his before nudging them apart, interlocking them together.
If he had tears left, he would weep at the gentleness of her touch.
"I sat at my computer. Had half your name typed in. But then I thought, how would I feel if you went behind my back. Investigated me and my past and…"
Her hand squeezes his, a contraction of muscles that constricts every part of him all the way to his heart.
"What happened, Rick?"
Dropping his eyes – he can't watch her – he concentrates on the link that is between them, moves his thumb around in circles across the back of her hand. His actions become hypnotic, over and over, and as he speaks, he's not entirely sure that he is really talking out loud.
"I had it all. Fame. Fortune. A loving daughter. Home. Happiness. And then…"
The grief crawls like bile up his throat. His heart thumps against his ribs and he is positive that they are going to crack, splinter and shatter until the muscle breaks free from his body and lands in her lap for her to see just how destroyed it is. He is.
"She died?"
He attempts to nod, barely manages a twitch, when Kate's free hand cups the side of his face, her thumb sweeping across his cheek, catching a tear that escaped without notice, and he pulls back.
His head slides out of her grasp, and the wall that is about to descend between them, the wall she has witnessed before, is going to take him from her.
She can't let that happen.
She may hide behind her own every single day, but just maybe, tonight they can hide away together.
Lifting her leg up and over his, she straddles his thighs, pushes herself into him, hip to hip, chest to chest, and burying her head into the arch of his neck, she dots a single kiss to the skin below his ear before whispering her own secret.
"I was nineteen and one night- my Mom…"
Her left hand remains joined with his right, but using his other, he tangles his fingers into her hair, tugs her back firmly, and their distraught stares clash. His tongue peeks through his supple lips, wets his mouth, teeth flashing as he opens and closes, clearly at a loss for words, and she offers him her own.
"I'm sorry is such a useless thing to say. But-"
"If my heart could break anymore, it would for you, Kate."
She feels a tear form on her eyelashes, and his eyes dart down to watch it as her breath lodges itself in her lungs. This thing that is between them – Electrical? Chemical? Magical? – crackles, a tangible energy that suspends time while enhancing every fiber of her being, and if there was ever a time to move this would be it. To simply lean forward and say what her words can't.
That she doesn't have to imagine the loss. Doesn't have to pretend to understand what it is to have your heart broken beyond repair. That no one should ever have to go through what he has gone through, what she has gone through-
His mouth collides with hers, his tongue seeking entrance and she grants it, teeth nipping sharply as she joins him in pouring everything unsaid into one kiss. Bending her elbow, she shifts their joined hands, placing the fist they've created, into the V where her pelvis rocks into his.
A moan falls from his mouth, enters hers and it releases a shiver that cascades down the arch of her spine, leaves her knees trembling as they sink into the cushions on either side of his hips. She pushes down on them, attempts to get closer, to merge them as one.
Damn.
This shouldn't be happening. They are about to cross a line that shouldn't be crossed. This isn't an alcohol induced one night stand. This is about to be sex with her partner. An offence that could get them split up before they've even had a real chance to begin.
And since when does the idea of Rick – someone she's known for all of forty-eight hours - being kicked out of the Twelfth cause her palms to become sweaty with anxiety and her breath to become short?
As if sensing her mind's withdrawal, he physically pulls himself back, their mouths separating, but he doesn't go far, his lips resting like butterfly wings on her skin as he gently travels to her ear.
"Tonight. Just give me tonight."
Tonight. She can give him that…
Sleep calls to him, his eyelids fluttering closed, but Kate's body is nestled into his front, inches and inches of beautiful, naked skin and he opens them, just once more, to take in the curve of her shoulder, the way her hand seems so tiny when engulfed by his.
The first time he held Alexis, her tiny fingers had settled in his palm, her body bundled in a blanket, and he'd been struck by lightning, had been changed forever in a single moment. It was something he never expected to feel again, until that moment when it all changed again.
Horrifically changed forever.
"She'd just turned nine."
The words are small; lose flight as they fall out his mouth, settling as smudges across Kate's skin. Yet, she hums just as quietly and he continues.
"Her mom came to visit. She'd left us both when Alexis was small. Motherhood not her thing."
Even though the room is shrouded in shadows, his eyes close as his throat constricts with the mention of his ex-wife.
"I'd gone to pick her up from school. And she was gone. Meredith had flown in and surprised us all by picking her up."
His chest expands, pushes against Kate's back as the panic from that day crawls once more into his veins, and she turns, wiggles an arm around him, draws him closer, and he finds the words to keep going.
"She took her to Paris. Can you believe it? Took her for lunch."
He dreams still, of Alexis on the plane, looking out the window, flying away from him.
"They'd stopped at a market. 'Le marché des enfants rouges'. And she was just so young…"
She should never have been left to go to the bathroom by herself. Probably not here, and definitely not there in a strange city. A different language, unfamiliar landmarks and faces… what chance did she have, when her mother was too busy talking to Parisian men to pay attention to her absent daughter?
"They found her, eventually. It wasn't… It was bad. And they never did find any leads."
He'd spent months in France, searching for something, anything that could tell him who, give him answers as to why.
"Meredith was… never the same." Neither was he, but for very different reasons. "Blamed herself. She wasn't the only one. But then it got too much and- she overdosed."
The rest was history. He'd eventually returned to the States, thrown himself into becoming a cop so that no other family would be forced to spend months after months searching for the unreachable.
Lips flutter from his shoulder, across his collarbone and onto his neck. Kisses from Kate, and his breath shudders as he exhales. He told someone, told her, and it hurt and it was hard, but he's still here. She's still here.
Edging closer, she cuddles into him and he wraps himself around her until they are on their sides, limbs entwined. Heart to heart. Lips to lips.
His eyelids are becoming heavy again, but as sleep whispers enticingly to him, Kate speaks, drawing him back to her.
"We were supposed to go to dinner together- my mom, my Dad, and I, and she was gonna meet us at the restaurant, but she never showed…"
He holds her close, tries to use his body as a shield to protect her from her pain as she brings her own past to life with soul shattering words of loss and abandonment.
* For the purposes of this story I'm using Molly's birthdate since I couldn't find one for Alexis (Oct 1993).
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Wow, simply wow, because never could I have ever imagined the support that I've received with this.
Thank you, so very, very much xoxo
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All my thanks to Jo and Jamie and their work and encouragement xoxo.
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Thank you for reading xoxo and have a great Easter!