Disclaimer: I own none of it, and I still make no money, even though I do say I am open to bribes to write faster.

A/N: Again a special thanks to Wanda 517. You help me make sure it all makes sense before I inflict my ramblings on the public at large.

I should have known that shopping with Stephanie was going to be anything but simple. I walked directly to Stephanie's cubicle after I left the meeting. She was just arriving, as I got there.

"Stephanie, Ranger said you needed to go shopping today. I have been instructed to join you on the off chance I might find something appropriate to wear until my regular uniforms come in."

Stephanie looked me up and down and almost looked horrified. "You aren't going shopping in THAT are you?"

"Yes ma'am. It is comfortable and durable."

"Ugh, first off Never call me Ma'am. I prefer Steph, and I am sorry but you must have normal clothes. You'll scare away the sales people in that get up. Let's go see what we can find."

I followed behind her silently. I didn't think that pointing out to her that scaring away sales people was a GOOD thing in my book. We walked to the elevator and took it down one floor. I walked first and opened the door to the apartment stepping back and allowing Steph to enter before me. She walked to the bedroom and opened the closet. She turned around to look at me.

"Where is all your stuff?"

I just pointed to my sea bag in the corner. "Right there. I didn't see a need to unpack it."

Stephanie sighed softly and tried to pick up my sea bag, but couldn't quite get it far enough off the ground to move it effectively. I decided to help her out and lifted it up to empty it out on the bed. It would be a pain in the ass to pack everything again, but if it got us out of here sooner I would do it. Stephanie started looking through the rolled clothes trying to find something. What I didn't know, but I didn't really care either. She finally found a pair of jeans and held them out to me.

"Here, put these on."

I shrugged and bent down to untie my boots and I kicked them off. "You can un roll stuff if you need to."

I watched her unroll and discard item after item while I stripped off my cammies and slipped on the blue jeans. I put my boots back on and laced them up. I opened the dresser drawer and grabbed my wallet and stuck it in my back pocket, and found where I had stashed my ankle holster. I strapped it on my ankle. I had my back up weapon in the trunk of my car, I would grab it before we left.

I sat on the edge of the bed waiting for Steph to find what she was looking for. "Is there anything in particular you are looking for?"

Steph looked up at me and put her hands on her hips. "Do you have any T-shirts that don't mention the Marines or the Police on it?"

I thought about it for a minute and reached over into the pile and picked up a T-shirt and held it up for her inspection. It had an older Native American man on it and next to him were the words "Trust me Illegal Immigration blows". Steph just shook her head.

"That's not quite what I was looking for."

I shrugged and tossed it onto the reject pile before reaching for another one. I held it up thinking that this might pass inspection. It was a light green T-shirt and all it said was "Never Do anything you don't want to explain to the Paramedics." Steph pinched the bridge of her nose like she was getting a headache. I could sympathize, I was getting one myself. I finally just stripped off my USMC shirt and grabbed a new shirt from the bed. It had a picture of a beautiful Colt .45 and said "Samuel Colt, inventor of the point and click interface."

"Ok, can we just go shop now?" I tried to keep my voice neutral. Steph looked resigned as she saw me.

"Ok yeah, maybe we can find something for you to wear." she said as I picked up my keys.

Steph and I made our way out of the apartment, and we took the elevator to the garage. We had decided to take my car, ok so maybe it was more like I refused to ride in her car. While Stephanie was getting into the passenger side, I walked around to the trunk to get my .22. I slipped it into my ankle holster and closed the trunk. I climbed into the drivers side door and slid in looking over at Steph. Her nose was wrinkled a little, and I had forgotten that last night I was smoking in a closed car. I quickly turned the car on and rolled down the windows.

"Does Ranger know you smoke?" she asked tennetively, it was almost as if she expected me to be angry about her asking.

I just pulled my shoulder belt across my chest. I had a bad habit from my days in uniform of buckling my seat belt with out me in it and just using the shoulder strap, but it made it so much easier to get out of the car quickly. I looked in the rear view mirror making sure my way was clear.

"Yeah, he knows. He doesn't like it. So we have a wonderful arrangement. I don't smoke in front of him if I can help it, and he doesn't bitch at me about it most of the time. It helps that I still run and work out. I think he'd bitch all the time if I wasn't doing that."

I glanced over at Steph and she looked like she was thinking about something. "I wonder if I didn't eat junk food in front of him if he would stop telling me how my diet would kill me."

I had to laugh as I took the right turn Steph pointed out to me. "Probably not, but I wouldn't worry about it."

I reached into my console and pulled out my pack of smokes, I lit one and rolled my window down a little farther. I quietly drove following the directions Stephanie gave me. I felt my eyes widen as I pulled into the parking lot of a mall.

"You've got to be kidding me. I was thinking something like the Army surplus store."

Stephanie laughed as she unbuckled her seat belt and opened the door as soon as I had the car in park. "No way, we can't find what you really NEED at the Army surplus. All you really need is some black T-shirts. My uniform pants should fit you."

I nodded and dumbly allowed myself to be led into the mall. The first place she took me was to victoria secret. I tried to stay as far out of her way as she looked around. She turned to me and tried to raise her eyebrow but only succeeded in raising both.

"Aren't you going to look?"

I shook my head. "No need, I have bra's at home."

"Sports bra's don't count." She told me slowly as if I should really know this.

I frowned a little and racked my brain trying to think of a time that wearing one would be in appopriate. I finally realized I don't wear one with my Class A's. I looked at Steph with a smile. "I have one that isn't a sports bra. I wear it when I wear my formal uniform."

Steph just shook her head and called a sales woman over and they had a hushed conversation. Before I knew what was happening, there was a petit blond wrapping a tape measure around my boobs. I took a deep breath and focused on not hitting the woman. She looked at Stephanie over her shoulder. "I would say to go with a 36 C. She's right on the line between B and C, but I think with her body frame and knowing she wears sports bra's that a C would be better."

It finally hit me, they were guessing my bra size. I took a deep breath and counted backwards from 10, in Japanese before I spoke. "uh Steph, I'm not really the get dressed up and go out kind of girl, and there isn't anyone other than me who's going to see my skivvies, so I think I'll be ok."

Steph just looked over at me from a rack of bra's hanging on cute little hangers. "Nonsense, every girl needs some pretty underwear."

I just sighed and resigned myself to purchasing crap I didn't need. I never would have expected what happened next. Stephanie handed me a bra and gently pushed me in the direction of a changing room. I looked at her and then at the changing room a few times. Finally Steph spoke up.

"Go put the bra on, make sure it fits."

I have never in my adut life tried on a bra in the store. I bought them took them home and if they didn't fit I gave them to my little sister. I went into the dressing room and stripped off my shirt and my bra. I fastened the clasps on the back of the bra before pulling it over my head. I never mastered the art of the fasten and turn. I barely had the bra on when I heard the sales girl outside the door.

"Does it fit? Come let me see."

I couldn't figure out why she wanted to check the fit of my bra, but when in Rome… I walked out of the dressing room and spun around and lifted my arms as directed.

"It looks good. Now you have TWO breasts as God intended. A good bra dear must lift and separate. You simply must get this bra." She snatched the price tag off of it before ushering me back into the dressing room.

"Now you can wear it while you shop for other things. Your friend told me you were on a mission today."

I just pulled my t-shirt on over my head and picked up my old bra. I walked back out where Stephanie was looking through a rack of bra's that looked identical to the one I now wore. I tried to ignore the handful of colorful bras in her hand.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" I asked hopeful we could escape this nightmare. I decided there was an entirely new level of hell, and in that level I would be stuck in this store for all eternity showing off bras to pushy sales women.

"Oh yeah I found a few things for me. I already bought them." she pointed to the pink bag at her feet. I was looking for other things for you. You can't be a real Jersey girl with out decent foundational garments. I already talked to Ranger, and he said that I should get you anything I thought you needed. He told me to tell you to consider it part of your signing bonus. He slipped the Rangeman Credit card in my purse yesterday."

That rat bastard! I knew he owed me payback for a few of the things I had done to him in the past, but this was WAR! He knew I also promised not to do anything to hurt Stephanie's feelings, so I wouldn't put an end to this torture. I forced a smile on my face and looked at Stephanie.

"Great! I can't wait to get back to the office and thank him properly." I spoke the absolute truth. I had a special thank you in mind for Ricardo Carlos Manoso. I kept the smile on my face while the clerk rang up an impossibly large number of Bra's and panties. I accepted my large pink bags and didn't say a word. I just so happened to have an allergy to the color pink, but I kept my mouth shut. This obviously was a happy time for Stephanie, and I refused to let her down.

I let Steph lead me to Macy's and she headed directly for the shoe department. I had shoes. Three pair to be exact. I had my boots, tennis shoes, and the dress shoes I wore with my class A's. I sat obediently in the chair she pointed out. The shoes she started handing me started at ugly, and went quickly down hill from there. She even picked out a pair of Doc Martens that had flowers on them. FLOWERS!

I smiled and nodded in all the right places apparently, because after what was the longest two hours of my life I now owned approximately eight million pairs of ugly shoes, and of those eight million, I would fall and break something in at least 6 million pair. So that left two million shoes I could wear with out injury. Of the two million that would not kill me, I thought one single pair wouldn't be too bad. So of Sixteen Million shoes I now owned, I half liked two!

I was more than ready to agree when Steph decided we were done shoe shopping. I looked at all the bags surrounding us, and while I could carry a 65lb ALICE or MOLLE pack through a dessert with out any problems, I was going to need reinforcements to carry this load. Oh hell I could handle this it was just a matter of using my head. I looked over at Stephanie after I had come up with a plan.

"I know how the two of us can get all these bags to the car in one trip. We simply take the shoes out of the boxes and stuff them into the bags, that way we can cut down on bulk making it easier to carry the bags."

Unfortunately the irritating little sales man over heard my comment because he came running up. "Oh No! No no no. We must never dispose of the boxes. These shoes should always be in their boxes when they are not being worn, it will keep them looking newer for much much longer."

Even Steph looked a little put off by this creep, so I decided to play a little joke on him. "Well Hell Mister, thanks for telling me. I was figurin on breaking them in the same way I do all my shoes. I mean now that I got them big mud tires on my truck I should be able to run over three or four pairs at a time. Thank you for letting me know, I gotta leave them in the box when I do it though."

I picked up the bags of shoes and bra's and managed to get all but three that Steph picked up, and we walked out of the store leaving the salesman behind doing a great impression of a stranded fish. We decided to take all the bags to the car. I followed Steph through the crowded mall, and into the parking lot. Something about Steph changed, when she got into the parking lot. She was standing tall, and was confident of herself while we were shopping, but out here in the parking lot… It was easy to see why she was always stalked. Stephanie Plum transformed from a confident woman to a victim the minute we got into the parking lot. She held her purse tight to her body, she was quick to move aside if someone was walking towards us, and in general acting afraid. I wasn't going to say anything to her, but Ricky and I were going to have a talk tonight.

After filling my trunk with purchases, we decided that it was time to grab lunch. I had noticed a Rangeman SUV parked several spaces away from us, and figured Tank at least had shown up to make sure I didn't practice any of my evasion techniques on Stephanie. I wouldn't do that, but trust me the thought had crossed my mind. Stephanie must have sensed that the guys were following us at a discrete distance, because she kept looking over her shoulder. That was it, I was absolutely going to have a talk with Ranger tonight. Her entire demeanor screamed, I am timid, afraid, and will make an easy target.

We walked to the food court and I bit my lip. I ate crap most of the time, but even I was wary of mall food courts. I finally decided on McDonalds. There was no way to get food poisoning there, because most of what they served couldn't actually qualify as food. Food will rot. McDonalds fries and cheeseburgers did not. Trust me. Look it up on you tube, there is someone on there with fries in a lunch box for years, and they look the same. I got my lunch and joined Stephanie at a table. We ate in companionable silence. I finally got the courage up to ask what was next on the agenda.

"Oh I thought we'd go shopping for clothes now, but on the way I figured we could stop off and make you an appointment at Mr. Alexander's he does my hair, and He could certainly give you a trim, and maybe show you how to curl your hair, you know just try out a few different looks."

I shook my head. I was willing to do about anything, but not get a hair cut. "Sorry Steph." I told her quietly. "No hair cuts. It is a tradition my father taught us from the old ways of the Lakota Sioux. We only cut our hair when we are in mourning. The more we cut off, the more pain we feel at the loss."

I could tell Steph didn't understand what I was saying, so I tried to explain. "When My brother died, I cut my hair very short, almost to my ears. I left it only long enough to put up as was required for my job. My father though, he shaved his head, but since that day I have only cut my hair once. That was when a good friend of mine that I worked with in Miami died. I cut a good six inches or so off then."

Steph still didn't seem to understand, but she seemed to accept that I was dead set against cutting my hair. We finished our lunch and just as we were getting up Tank and Lester made their way over to us. I gave them both a nod in greeting and Lester came over leaning his head on my shoulder.

"Having fun Chaske? (Lakota meaning oldest or first born.)

"Tons. You guys just missed out on carrying a ton of bags to the car, but we're on our way clothes shopping next." I said, making sure I still had my happy face on.

Lester plastered a goofy grin on his face. "OoO, does this mean I get to help pick out clothes?"

I didn't get a chance to answer because Steph jumped right in. "Oh yeah, we can always use a man's opinion."

Oh Boy! My day just got even more fun. I tilted my head towards Lester and whispered softly. "If you make this day anymore difficult, I will kill you. Brother or not."

Lester just laughed and playfully pushed me away from him towards Tank. Tank grabbed me in his massive grip and told me to relax. He didn't let go of me until I had forced my muscles to relax enough that he was sure that I wouldn't kill Lester. Tank grinned down on all of us, and gestured towards the end of the mall that had Macy's in it. "Shall we shop?"

I trudged behind Stephanie, and looked longingly in the window of the Payless shoe store. If I had a choice where we went shoe shopping, I would have chosen Payless. I must have stopped too long because I felt Tank's massive hand on my back pushing me forward. We got back to Macy's and headed towards the women's department. Steph took me to the dress clothes, and looked me over.

"How did my cargos fit last night?"

I shrugged. "They fit fine, just a bit on the long side."

Stephanie just nodded and began shuffling through racks of dress slacks. While she was distracted I moved a little closer to Tank. I whispered softly so only he could hear me.

"I'm wearing a .22 on my right ankle. If I go into the dressing room to change, Steph is going to want to see the outfit. Some of those outfits she's picking out I won't be able to conceal my weapon, and I can't leave it unsecured."

Tank nodded and took out his keys and swung them around on his finger for a few seconds before "accidentally" dropping them and kicking them under a rack. Tank lowered himself to his knees an I felt his hands close around my ankle and remove the holster and weapon both. I was able to relax a little knowing that my weapon was secured.

Steph kept handing me clothes, and once I had an armful she let me head to the changing rooms. I did what I was supposed to do. I tried on all sorts of clothes, making sure to step out of the changing room in each new outfit. It wasn't that bad, I guess. We were all having a blast. Stephanie and Lester took turns trying to find the most outrageous outfits they could for me to try on. After an hour or so of this though, we were all getting ready to be done. While I was digging out my original clothes Steph took a pile to the register.

We finished up our shopping, and I told Steph I would take her for ice cream. The four of us were making our way to the food court when Steph's cell phone started to ring. We all stopped walking giving her a chance to dig it out of her purse. We all politely turned away while she answered the phone, doing our best not to let her know we could hear every word.

"Hello." There was a long pause before she started speaking again. "Now that's not fair. You're being unreasonable."

I looked over at Lester and Tank silently asking if this was her boyfriend. They both gave me a quick nod, letting me know that it indeed was. I hated hearing the pain and frustration in her voice as she talked to him. Her conversation was fairly short, but the fun playful mood we had all shared was long gone.

When Steph finished her phone call, she looked a little sad. "I Um, should probably get going. I told Joe we could have dinner together."

I looked at my watch and realized that we had indeed spent all day shopping, but it wasn't that late, it was only about 1530. 3:30, for those who use a 12 hour clock. I signaled to the guys I would meet them back at the office, and they turned around and melted into the crowd.

"Hey Steph, you're going to get ready for a date with your boyfriend. This is a time to be happy." I kept my voice cheerful, but quiet. I have found that this combination can be soothing to a volatile situation. I kept steering Steph carefully towards the exit, and then I led her to the car. I unlocked her door and let her climb in. On the drivers side, I tossed my shopping bags in the back seat before climbing in the car.

I didn't start the car, I just let us both sit there in silence for a few minutes before I started the car, and decided to speak up. "Steph, it's not my place, so feel free to tell me to shut up and mind my own business, but if the thought of seeing your boyfriend doesn't make you happy, then maybe he's not the right one for you."

Steph looked over at me as I pulled out of our parking space. "That's not it at all, he just doesn't like any of my friends. He kept wanting to know why I was out with Manoso's Bitch."

I glanced over at her, and she seemed genuinely upset that Morelli didn't like me, and had called me a bitch. "Hey Steph, don't stress it. I've been called much worse. It's not a big deal. I promise."

I wisely kept silent on the larger question of the day, which was exactly how did he know where she was and who she was with. Luckily the ride back to the office was silent giving me plenty of time to think about it.