Chapter 08 | Live

Their boots clicked on the rain soaked cobbles of the narrow alley they wound down. As Levi led Krista through the winding passages towards the barracks, the dull flickering flames from the street lamps caught and reflected off of the puddles and the dull panes of glass in the windows that lined their way. Krista noticed how dim and drab they seemed in comparison to the bright sparkling lights across the canyon.

They were like magical fairy fires… How can something as horrible as a titan come from a place that is so beautiful?

It was late in the night and the moon was high as the clouds parted to reveal its shining face above the rooftops.

Our Commander – he needs to know about this. All of it. How can Levi not trust him?

Levi stopped as he heard the light sound of Krista's footsteps suddenly cease. He looked slowly back over his shoulder with a slightly puzzled frown as he saw her standing in the pale flicker of an old gas lamp. She had a look that was resolute and slightly stern – it made him a little nervous.

"What?"

"We need to tell Commander Erwin. Now. He needs to know abou-"

"NO. We can't –"

"WHY?"

Levi's eyes widened as Krista folded her arms defiantly and her right hip jutted out as she settled into place. She wasn't moving and wanted answers. Then she repeated her question adding to it.

"WHY? You need to give me a good reason why you are not telling our commander."

"Because I'm not sure he can be trust-"

Krista's arms shot down straight and stiff at her sides, terminating in little fists.

"A GOOD reason!"

Levi held his hands up and talked calmly as he approached Krista.

"Okay… okay. I understand… I'll tell you everything I know."

He placed his hands on Krista's shoulders and looked into her eyes. As she stared back she immediately knew that what Levi was about to say would be the truth.

"Krista – I overheard something I shouldn't have… It was Commander Erwin and one of the King's emissaries – Hermius Cantor…"

At the mention of that name Levi felt Krista stiffen. It was sudden but subtle, only a slight contraction in the muscles of her arms – but it was there all the same, and he noticed it.

"What is it?"

Krista repressed a shudder as she looked down and away. Afraid that Levi would see through her if she met his eyes, Krista found the flickering yellow light of the gas lamp as it reflected in a small dark puddle between the cobbles. The reds and rust colored browns of the bricks from the stone wall of the alley were also visible. As she tried to lose herself in the image, Krista could even see the sky. It was black – deep and dark – like the memories that floated up to the surface of her conscious mind.

As he watched her struggling with these difficult memories, Levi was struck by her beauty.

So beautiful, but It's not just her appearance, she's… a treasure. I need… no – what I NEED is to keep focused.

"N…Nothing – it is just… I remember that name. He tried to… hurt me. It was when I was very young – before I left the palace."

Not wanting to pry, Levi answered simply, and let it be.

"I see."

Something in the tone of his voice.

He understands… and he cares.

Slowly Krista pulled her gaze from the depths of the puddle and looked up at Levi. Her eyes shone and locked with his. Their vision blended together and they became lost for a moment in each other's presence.

She placed a hand over his as he continued to hold her. He could feel the warmth there.

I haven't been touched like that… in… a long…

Levi felt a tremendous rush of warmth through his chest. It was a deep, powerful and profound feeling of pure lov –"

"NO!"

He tore his gaze away from her eyes and stumbled against the wall then fell to his hands and knees.

"LEVI!?"

Krista could only stare in confusion and alarm as Levi scrambled away from her on all fours over the slime covered cobbles. He collided with a barrel, then staggered to his feet dripping with the muddy water from the alley. She heard him gasp, it was almost a sob, as he weaved and leaned weakly against the wall. Levi hung his head down and his shoulders visibly trembled as if he had suddenly become terribly cold.

"…Levi?"

He was whispering something…

Krista cautiously approached. Then reached out and touched his shoulder. As she did, she watched with amazement as Levi, simply slid down the wall to sink to his knees in the filthy alley. Then she heard him whispering quietly to himself.

"…not again… never… I can't… not again… never… I can't…"

Krista went to her knees and put her arms around his shoulders. Weakly, he turned his head away from the wall to face her. Krista was concerned to see his expression was one of resignation and unfathomable sadness. Then he spoke and his soft, resonant voice only accentuated the deep sorrow he felt.

"Krista – I'm sorry. I don't have it in me… Please… no more. I can't care…"

"Wh- but Levi – of course you care! You saved me back at the Red Lion. You said that we are family – that you love me."

Levi set his jaw and a deadly coldness began to come over him as he steadied his voice and replied.

"No. Krista – don't misunderstand. I only said that to make you feel better. I needed you to be strong and that was simply the fastest way to get you back on your feet."

At first Krista was hurt. Then she remembered that moment they had shared after the terrible fight. How he had spoken to and hugged her there after defeating those thugs. Then again at the canyon, the touch as he held her was genuine, there had been great care in it. She could tell.

"I know that is not true… I was there – remember? You do care for me – It is in your every action – I can see it."

Levi's eyes flashed dangerously. She was pushing into personal spaces – sensitive areas – doors were being opened. It had to stop.

"Did you also see my little knickknacks on the mantelpiece?"

Krista thought back to the evening at Levi's house – when they had tea.

"P…Petra's locket…" she whispered "That unusual white feather?"

"Yes."

Levi responded flatly then roughly grabbed her wrist and shoved her sleeve back, exposing a small leather bracelet. It was braided and though simple, it was clearly the work of an expert and the interweaving of the cords made a delicate pattern of elegant, understated beauty.

The lightening swiftness of his move made Krista gasp.

"Nice bracelet. Do you LIKE it!? Does it hold MEANING for you?"

"Y- yes… but I – Levi you are hurting –"

"GOOD. Because WHEN you die and trust me – it WILL be an awful death – that bracelet will be all I'll have to remember you by! A God damn junky, leather bracelet, next to a God damn cheap, locket and a God damn moldy old feather! THAT'S all you will become – another GODDAMN TRINKET on my GODDAMN mantelpiece!"

"Levi – you… my arm – please, it hurts."

As if hearing her for the first time, Levi looked down. There was redness where he had gripped Krista's forearm and he immediately released it.

"Krista – I'm sorry… I didn't mean to do that."

Ignoring her injured arm, Krista put her hand on Levi's cheek and gently brushed away some grime she saw there and stroked his hair back from his wide staring eyes.

"Levi, we all die – someday. And while our deaths are inevitable, it is how we live that matters most. I will NOT spend my life hiding from love. If I do that for even a second – then I may be walking around, but I am no more alive than one of those horrid titans."

Levi's questioning gaze was locked on her as she continued. And as Krista kept talking with her soft, gentle voice, he only stared at her as if he was seeing a huge, cosmic puzzle snapping inexorably into place before his eyes.

"The locket, the feather – the people represented by those objects knew this. They touched your heart. They chose love. They chose life and you honor them each day by placing the things they cherished – right there – on the mantle above the warming glow of your hearth fires."

Tears simply rose up and overflowed as Levi listened, he didn't even try to stop them… he didn't move. Didn't breathe.

"They must have been beautiful people. Levi, please promise me – if I die before you… please put…" she removed her bracelet with great care and kissed it. Then put it in his numb hand and gently closed his fingers over it, "…this there too. I would be honored to be remembered along with those wonderful people."

Levi felt the small bracelet in his fist. Then a subtle warmth began to emanate from it. It traveled up his arm and into his body. As the warmth penetrated him to his core, he felt something shift. It was like a bubble as a feeling, long forgotten, rose swiftly to the surface causing him to speak in a hoarse whisper.

"You… Krista you make me want to live."