Hello everyone. I know it's been a long time since my last update. I'll give you the details later and more author bits in later installments. For now let's jump right into what I've left you waiting for more than a year (sorry about that)

oh and a correction on the previous chapter. Mana is the 14th's older brother. My bad, sorry. Just replace the word "younger" with "older"

Review! I actually came back because of the reviews and personal messages I recieved from people asking me to continue. Reviews matter people, they really do. Thanks to all those who did it really helped. (looking at you Bookthief101 and Lambo-san)

Dying on the Inside Chap. 15

Lenalee was confused and the breath caught in her throat. "Allen...what are talking about? Mana was your foster father. Don't you remember?"

Allen put his hand to his head, puzzlement and confusion were there, as if he was struggling to clear up something in his mind. To remember something and sort through it all and work out some small confusion in his mind. A moment of clarity came a moment later as he reorganized the pieces properly in his head.

The mounting concern within Lenalee could take no more¸"Allen-"

"I'm sorry" he interrupted, the moment of confusion now over. "You're right Mana was my foster father. I get a little confused nowadays. Sorry about that. He finished with that classic calming smile that was undeniably Allen.

"Allen what are you talking about? Please tell me what's going on with you. Why are you here?" As she gripped the cloth of his chest in an almost pleading manner and lightly buried her head into the crook of his neck. This had all been so overwhelming for her, so devastating. But it would be alright now, Allen was back and everything would go to the way it had been before. She took in his scent and it calmed her nerves as he put his arms around her in order to comfort her obvious distress. She felt her defenses going down and it was as if she could finally breathe again after so long. But there was still concern in the back of her mind.

"Please...let me in Allen. " She whispered, her voice fraught with concern, desperation, need, and an overall plea that was almost childlike. That said all options had been extinguished. Unbeknownst to either one someone was watching them.

Allen seemed at a loss for words and this silence disturbed Lenalee, she could feel something was wrong. She so desperately wanted to quell the tiny voices which said this. To lay this horrible feeling to rest. Finally Allen broke the silence softly and slowly. "I was empty. I no longer had a purpose, I never had one of my own and nothing made sense."

"What?"

"I'd always been walking forward even though I wasn't really alive on the inside. I died the same day Mana did. All I had was a purpose his guiding word. Then I found people who I wanted to protect. Who I cared and loved and that gave me meaning."

Lenalee felt her cheeks brighten and a warmth fill her

"But then my foundation on which my existence as nothing but a tool was destroyed. Everything changed and I was completely empty."

"Allen you're scaring me." Lenalee gripped Allen tighter, afraid of what she was hearing, the small voice of unease growing louder in the back of her mind. Allen reciprocated the gesture. Lenalee didn't want to stop feeling the safety of those arms around her but she could feel something was wrong and it frightened her as much as she tried to pretend it was nothing.

Allen continued "But now I've been filled. Everything I'd been fighting for seems in vain. Now I realize to truly save the souls of not just akuma, but all people requires I be more than just an exorcist. Lenalee felt her stomach tighten into knots and her breath quicken as little by little she began to lose it as the voice of concern in her mind began shouting and bells began to go off as she heard more. Her eyes in complete shock and disbelief as if subconsciously she was connecting the pieces. As if she already knew what was coming.

"What Allen! What Changed?"

"I found out I was going to become everything I had spent my life fighting against. And that fight had all been based on lies."

XXXXXXXX

Lavi stood alone against this new Noah. As soon as Lenalee had been knocked out of the room Road had shown up and at this new Noah's request everyone had been absorbed into her dimension. Road had departed at that point leaving a portal open for Xadi and the words: "The one with the red hair destroyed my body. I'd be careful. Have FUN! She departed after that. With this Noah guarding the only way out. The combined rush by Lavi, Bookman, and Timothy was smashed by the strength of this new opponent. Bookman and Timothy were out of the game, unconscious or dead, Lavi prayed it was the former. It was now down between the two of them. At this point this new enemy began to smile which was as disturbing as when any of his kind smiled. "It looks like it's time for a guy to guy chat huh? But first let's see if I can't change up the scenery her a bit huh? I'm a bit too old for birthday candles and toys."

Road's world shifted. It lost its birthday theme and instead was littered with dead bodies. and the surroundings kept shifting. Lavi momentarily lost his nerve as the scene reminded him of when Road had shown him a pile of Black order Corpses. His friends and colleges who had all died by his inaction.

The Noah however noticed the discomfort. "Remind you of something?"

"Shut up!"

"Not much of a talker are you"

Lavi swung his hammer which was stopped by several beastly decomposing arms which emerged from the Noah. Who used the momentum of the swing to hurl Lavi into a plane of mirrors and before he could recover the Noah had him by the hair. "Quite a one trick pony aren't you."

"Who are you!

"Xadi" and he punctuated that name by smashing Lavi's face into the floor amidst the broken glass.

"You're...You're Xadi! You're the one we're looking for?" Lavi's voice but a whisper as he choked on his own blood.

"You were looking for me?" Xadi had look of mock delight. "Well guess. what! You found me!" and he smashed Lavi's head into the side of the wall. "Like I said before time for some heart to heart guy talk." He flung Lavi across the room. "You're a bookman aren't you?"

Lavi got up, spitting out some blood. "What if I am!"

"I'll just pretend that was a yes. What's with you getting all emotional. That's very unbecoming for someone who doesn't care what the outcome is. Who's only suppose to watch and record history without bias."

"what do you know and I'm a lot more than just one trick." Lavi sent a stream of fire right at Xadi. He could smell the burning flesh...it was strong and...

"I know enough" right behind him! Xadi stood his flesh burned completely off yet didn't bat an eyelash not that he had any left to do that anyway. Lavi leapt away to put some distance between them and readied his next assault. Xadi turned and continued. "I know you shouldn't be getting so emotionally invested in these people. You're not really their friend. You're just a fake, a pretender, a deceiver. You lie to those who trust you with their lives. I know all about bookmen and you're acting very unprofessional. Always watching, never getting involved so you can remember it in a completely objective manner. Why kid yourself. You're nobodies friend. That comes with the title. But to lie and pretend like you are with these people. How do you think they would feel about this. The deepest wound is usually the one delivered in the back."

Lavi refused to buy any of this. The guy was just trying to push his buttons. "Road already tried this and she did a better job then you!" Lavi grew his entire hammer and swung a mass larger than a train, smashing with great force. Through the debris he couldn't tell if he had nailed Xadi.

"I'm not trying anything . This is guy time and I'm lending you some wisdom."

"Does guy time always include broken glass in the face?"

"On a slow night sure. but that's nothing compared to words of truth. I speak from the heart and trust me I've got a lot of them." Xadi's skin grew back along with his clothes and he produced three hearts and began to juggle them. "You're not allowed to truly get involved and interfere You're just suppose to watch. You don't even have a real name anymore. This job, these people, your life it's all just a ruse. All of it is suppose to be meaningless to you but guess what. In our brief time as punching buddies I've noticed something. You're bad at your job! You do care about your comrades and this life of yours. But that's still just as sad because when the time comes you can't defend your friends with all your might because you're suppose to just sit back and watch. Poor little Bookman always the observer in life and never the participant. You're no bookman because you care too much but you're just as bad a friend because you won't actually interfere with all your strength on behalf o your friends. You aren't living your life, you're standing passive and indecisive, And the reason you do it is for something you're not even dedicating yourself to one hundred percent. Being a bookman.

No one actually knows the real you do they, do you even know after all this time deceiver. You can never be yourself or let anyone in. All those secrets and lies. Road wasn't playing a trick. She was telling the truth in her own way. Pick a side. Bookman or exorcist. You can't be both. Dedicate yourself to actually helping or hold back and watch your friends die."

"SHUT UP!" Lavi swung again in sheer fury to quiet his words and the conflict in his conscious and soul. he body he hit broke into pieces and quickly rotted. Out of nowhere Xadi was right in Lavi's face again. "Fine. New topic. Girls! How about that pretty one you were with before. What did you call her. Oh yeah. It was Lenalee right?"

*SWING*

*MISS*

*SWING SWING*

*MISS MISS*

It continued on like this. Lavi couldn't stop him or his voice. "Let me guess. From the way things went down back there you care quite a bit for her don't you. But oh no here comes captain inevitable buzz-kill also known as women's basic nature. You're just friends with right, and she probably has feelings for someone else. That's really common, bummer!"

"SHUT UP. HOW WOULD YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!"

*SWING*

*CATCH*

Xadi, with a firm grip on Lavi's hammer. "I know because it's always the same. Ad let me guess. This girl you pine for has doesn't know about her feelings for this other person does she? She's al confused boo hoo. But he's lucky to have you. Always a friend and never anything more. OH WAIT you're not even really her friend are you. You deceiver HA HA HA HA!

"THAT'S NOT HOW IT IS!" Lavi swung with his free arm in an unprecedented move born more out of desperation than tactic. None the less effective. A sickening crunch as the left fist connected.

Rising from his place on the floor Xadi snapped his jaw into place in an unnatural manner as arms of bone sprouted from his back. A sphere of blood shot out of Xadi surrounding the both of them.

"What in God's name." Lavi muttered

"I control and absorb all dead matter now you remember Finder Finnigan don't you? Say hello" A familiar face sprouted from Xadi's arm and the dead head took a chunk out of Lavi as he screamed in terror or pain?

"There. Aren't guy chats fun. Now why don't-"

With an intensity spawned out of anger or who knows where Lavi began his assault anew with even more ferocity and seemingly better results as the tables seemed to have turned though Xadi seemed to be the one smiling. All the way until he was noting more than a bloody pile of crushed bone and squishy flesh.

Lavi, taking a breather, it was then that the bone and blood pooled and rising out of it was Xadi with the skulls of many dead bests. Crocodiles amongst them. Lavi thought to himself he's the one responsible for the empty swamp. He absorbed all the dead matter in it"

The bloody and bony Xadi started to laugh "That's right. with that kind of intensity and passion fueling you I'm sure you'll finally make a decision. I can't wait to see. Remember you have to pick one of your roles. You can't be both. Until then you're not worth killing.

Three portals appeared beneath Lavi, Bookman, and Timothy. As Lavi fell through Xadi waved him goodbye with Finder Finnigan's bony hand and dead vacant face.

XXXXXXX

"Lenalee do you remember that time on the ark. How I could control it?"

Lenalee had lost the ability to speak and all she could do is nod. HIs next words made things click in her head. As she slowly lost her grip on his clothing.

"I discovered the 14th had implanted his memories in me before he died. They've been lying dormant and will soon erode away all that I am leaving only the 14th."

Lenalee felt her entire world shatter at these words though it should have only been a piece of her world right? Then why did it feel like everything in her world had disappeared?

Allen continued "The 14th had an older brother, Mana."

At those words a huge piece to the puzzle started to fill in for Lenalee While Allen continued

"When Mana said he loved me, Mana. The only one in a world who cared for this lonely, rude, orphan. Who named me. When he said he loved me. Did he mean me...or the 14th? I don't have an answer, only questions. I continued living for that promise I made him 'keep walking forward no matter what'. That promise was based on lies and it had been my guiding life and had led me to my reason for being. But I will keep that promise. I will save EVERYONE'S soul not just akuma. I'll save them from sin, cruelty, and this world that corrupts the purest of intentions.

I died when Mana died. All I had was that promise. When I found out he was the 14th's brother I no longer had that. With that gone I was empty as an exorcist. But with the Noah I can keep my promise. I'm going to lay everyone's soul to rest. That will be my gift to the world. Death, death is my gift. Which is more than God ever did for us."

Lenalee felt herself completely lose it. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. In her shock, "This isn't you Allen. It's the 14th's influence. Say it Allen oh god say it."

"I don't know but it no longer matters."

Lenalee's eyes went vacant in shock and disbelief. She couldn't form words or think properly. It seemed to take all her strength just to remain standing. Allen had sided with the Noah? Had left the order? Was now the enemy? This couldn't be happening. She completely forgot about Lavi and the others. She felt her entire world slipping through her fingers and as the mind has defense mechanisms to deal with such trauma so too did one start to form within her. This was impossible, a lie. This couldn't be happening. She depended on Allen. He had always been there for her and been there when things were at there worst to help save them all. Lenalee remembered when she thought he had died. How devastated she had been, how relieved to learn he was in fact alive. She couldn't deal with losing him again. But now...it was like losing him all over again but worse.

"Come with me Lenalee." Allen held out a hand waiting expectantly for her to take it.

"What?"

"Come with me. I want all the people that were important in our lives to be here with us."

"Until the end you mean." Lenalee's head hung down, her hair obscuring her eyes from view. Her lips trembled, her voice devoid of any hint of her feelings.

Allen Spoke, "I know it may be difficult to understand right now but with time I hope you'll see what I'm talking about. You yourself always told me how much you hated god. I've found those feelings to be justified, you should embrace them." His hand still extended, waiting for her. "I've missed all of you a great deal. Please come with me."

Still no visual sign betraying her feelings beyond the trembling of her lips until a stream of tears descended. "It's a lie. THIS ISN'T ALLEN!"

"Lenalee please-"

"NO!" Her head snapped up with resolve and determination mixing with the tears in her eyes. She began to shout as if she were loud enough would make the words true. "This isn't Allen! It's the 14th. YOU'RE NOT ALLEN! YOU'RE THE 14TH!"

Lenalee felt herself crack a bit. Her grip on reality momentarily slip and fragment and it showed in her intense defiance in the face of reality as well as her eyes. Allen was deeply hurt by her words. His hand absent mindedly going to his chest, right where his heart was.

"Lenal-"

"SHUT UP!" Lenalee shouted. "INNOCENCE ACTIVATE!" activating her new crystallized innocence to back up her self-delusions and words with brute force if necessary. A torrent of tears cascading down her face to the floor. Her face set in stone with her decision. "YOU AREN'T ALLEN! I'm going to take you back to the order where they will tell me exactly that. You're just something that looks like him."

Allen was visibly hurt by this and it was at this moment one of their hidden observers decided to make their presence known. A familiar laughter began to echo throughout the dusty marble ballroom. Falling from out of nowhere and right into Allen's arms who caught her by sheer instinct. Still laughing, Road Kamelot wrapped her arms around Allen's neck who held her bridle style. She held Allen possessively as she looked down on Lenalee with a look of superiority.

XXXXXXX

As Tyki strolled amidst the impressive display of dolls which were shelved within the swamp manor he could only sigh at the irony that it was he who was forced to look through a collection of dolls and not Road. This was really more her thing. The collection was quite vast. It was a small library worth of dolls. Hearing a sound Tyki turned to see a little girl holding her own doll.

"Hello there sweetie. Could you help me find something."

"This is my grandma's place. You should leave!

Tyki rubbed the bridge between his eye and nose with one finger as he sighed yet again. "Sweetie listen-"

"NOW!" Her eyes glowed along with her doll. Tyki took a hit off his cigarette. definitely a job for Road, playing with dolls and little girls

XXXXXXXXX

REVIEW! I actually came back because of the reviews and personal messages I received. They matter, seriously. Thanks to all those who reviewed or sent me a personal message. Sorry if this chapter wasn't as good as my others. I wanted to get it out to you all as fast as possible. I actually dislike it a bit. I feel it could be better. Let me know what you guys think.

Lavi got a pounding, Tyki's playing with dolls, and Allen and Road are in a position that would make most girlfriends lose it! What won't I make these guys do? What's that smell? Is that Lemon? Do lemons have a smell? Some of this will be answered next time because I won't bother answering if lemons have a smell.

On another topic I delivered 12 pages worth of story for your pleasure. I think that's my longest chapter ever. Again sorry for being gone for so long I hope this makes up for it ;) Also I hope you've been keeping up to date on the latest releases of D-Gray Man. Why Hello Alma.

Next Time: Who's this little girl? Will Road make this situation worse (As if one even needs to ask) what happened with me, Sugar n' Sweet and lollipop on our visit to the quack Therapist? Have we been tied up in a room for a full year until movers came in to remove the furniture. Maybe. Maybe I don't want to talk about it! Check back in later to find out.