Chapter 12

It took him almost an hour to get her to stop crying in the middle of the forest. Once he'd gotten her in the car, he'd figured it wasn't a good idea to leave her alone. Thinking of a plausible way for her to get some perspective and breathing space but with a person around in case she did need to vent, he took her to the seaside park.

Sitting on a ledge, they watched the waves and the still dark sky. It was past four in the morning. No one else was around. Fighting off the sleepiness stinging the backs of his eyes, he rested his palms on the concrete ground and leaned back.

Another twenty minutes passed until she was ready to talk.

"Can I ask you a question?"

He looked over at her.

"The way you look at someone…it never changes, does it?"

"What do you mean?"

She hugged her body against the cool wind. "When you've made up your mind about someone, that's it, right? It'll never change."

"Do you mean me or anybody?"

"You. I mean you."

He looked out over the sea. "Usually."

"How do you see me?"

When he didn't respond, she touched his arm so he would look at her. Beyond her tired and red eyes, he saw an utter sadness that left an awful feeling in him.

"Sho, who am I in your life?" She insisted quietly.

He reached over and rested his index finger just under her eye, where tears began to pool again. "I grew up with you. I've taken care of you as long as I can remember." He dropped his hand on his lap and looked out again. "You're more than a best friend. More than a sister. I don't know what you are exactly, but…"

"But…" she echoed.

He took her hand in his. "I love you more than I love my own family. You've been there for me when they haven't. You once said that you didn't have one memory without me. It's the same for me."

Her chest hurt. What he'd just said described exactly what she felt.

"I'll support your decision, Sakuchin, whether you marry Kohei or not. If you do marry him, do it because you can't imagine your life without him. If you don't marry him, well," he gripped her hand tighter. "I'm here for you. As a shoulder to cry on, as a punching bag, source of money, anything."

She laughed, then sniffled, then sobbed, then laughed again. "I'm a mess."

He let go of her hand and hooked his arm over her shoulder, pulling himself closer to her. "You're gonna be okay," he reassured.

She sighed and shut her eyes painfully.

:::::::

"So you said yes…even when you were in love with him," Kohei concluded dully.

"I wasn't then-" she began.

"You both said you couldn't see each other as anything beyond brother and sister."

Nothing she could say would make any sense to him. It made no sense even to her. She knew how utterly stupid of a decision this was. Here was a good man who loved her more than life itself. And she was giving it all up for someone who would never look at her the same way.

"Kohei, I'm so sorry."

"I think I hate you."

Sakura's gaze lowered to the ground. "I don't blame you."

Kohei took the ring that was sitting on the table between them. "One week before our wedding."

She looked up then. He looked like someone whose life had just been sucked out. For good reason. His expression now left an imprint on her mind. Remembering this moment, she knew, would flood with her guilt for a long, long time.

"I'm so sorry Kohei. That…that doesn't mean anything to you right now, I know, but when I said yes, I meant it."

He put a hand up to stop her from continuing. Shoving the ring into his pant pocket, he swallowed his pride and met her gaze. Just then, her eyes filled with tears. His followed soon after. "I wish I could say that I don't want to see you again," he said quietly. "That's the worst part, Sakura. I still love you."

In her heart, she still loved him too. "Kohei, I-"

"I can't look at you and not love you." He used his fingers to catch the tears at the corners of his eyes. "I might just make an embarrassment of myself and get down on my knees just to ask you to choose me, so before I do that, I'm going to go."

She nodded, the pain searing her heart.

"I asked to be transferred to Osaka and they granted my request." Kohei stood.

Sakura followed suit. "W-when are you leaving?"

"I'd rather you didn't know." At a loss for words and nursing his very broken heart, Kohei let out a heavy breath. "I'm going to go."

She wanted to say more, but knew nothing she could say or do now would take away the pain she'd caused him. "Okay."

He stared at her, memorizing the broken-hearted face staring back at him. Then he turned around and left.

For the next three hours, she sat at the café, staring out the window in a blank daze. Just days ago she was in a mad rush preparing for last-minute details of the wedding. She was supposed to try on her wedding gown one last time tomorrow. And here she was now, no ring, no groom, nothing. The memories she'd created with Kohei for the last two years…thrown away just like that.

Her whole body hurt. She'd thought she was all cried out, but there it was again, overflowing from her eyes. Painful, hot tears blurred her vision. And yet there was still a resonating, raw ache inside of her.

::::::

"You ok?"

Tomoyo glanced up. She was sitting on a bench, staring out at the dark sea, thinking of Sakura and Kohei and Syaoran. It was her fault. Things started falling apart the moment she came back into the picture. If she hadn't shown up and stirred things up, maybe Sakura would've been happy right now. Instead of…crying miserably at home.

"I think I made a mistake coming back, Eriol."

At that, he sat down, frowning. "What are you talking about?"

"It's my fault."

"What is?"

"Everything." She was on the brink of tears. Her own heart was hurting. "That Sakura got confused and started thinking of Syaoran that way again. She was doing so well, getting over him finally and moving on, but then I came into the picture, and I…I destroyed that. I put unrealistic ideas into her head and didn't stop to think about Kohei and his own feelings. I was so selfish-"

"Whoa, Tomo-"

"No! It's true! I came waltzing back into all your lives after eight years of silence and made a mess of everything. And now my best friend is crying her eyes out in her apartment, two days before her wedding day, and it's all because of me. If I hadn't come back here and told her all about me still being in love with Syaoran – which I realized wasn't even true anymore – she would've been so excited and happy and laughing right now, getting ready to marry a great guy who loves her more than his own life!" In tears, she covered her face with her hands, sobbing. After a moment, she fished for a Kleenex in her bag, but couldn't find it. Giving up, she dropped her hands on her lap and stared out at sea again. "I'm so stupid. It's not even Syaoran I'm in love with. It wasn't even Syaoran…"

When she trailed off, Eriol touched her arm to turn her towards him. "What are you saying, Tomoyo?"

"That it's all my fault. If I hadn't come back in here, telling Sakura how much I still loved Syaoran, maybe she wouldn't have…remembered everything she felt about him a long time ago. And when we were at the restaurant, I pushed her towards him, telling her that he doesn't see her just as a friend," she shook her head in disappointment with herself. "My brain was such a mess that I wanted to mess everyone else up."

"Who is it you're in love with?"

At that, her eyes glistening with tears, slowly lifted up, and eventually they met his. She didn't have to say anything. And he didn't have to hear her say it. His heart beating painfully, he took her hand, glanced at it for a moment, then lifted it up to his lips. At that, another tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. She came to him then, hugging him tightly, and he held her in his arms, feeling overwhelmed that she finally returned his feelings.

A few minutes later, he pulled away and looked at her directly. "It's not your fault. And you didn't make a mistake coming back here. If it wasn't for you, Sakura would've made the biggest mistake of her life. And she knew it too. Syaoran too. He's a clueless guy but her wedding bothered him a lot. So Syaoran should really be thanking you. And eventually Sakura will too."

At that, Tomoyo let go of his hand and touched his face. "I don't know if I believe that yet, but thank you."

He smiled. "You're welcome. So… can I ask you out on a date now?"

At that her tear-streaked face broke into a smile.

::::::

Numb, silent, pale, lifeless. She sat on her sofa surrounded by her five best friends, who were making a lot of noise while watching a movie. Occasionally, Tomoyo would check up on her, but she stayed the same way for much of the night.

She'd spent the first three days after their official break-up cleaning the mess she'd made. Called her family and relatives and other guests and explained in five monotonous sentences why the wedding was called off. She had yet to find the courage to apologize to Kohei's family, but she knew he'd have broken the news to them.

Then she apologized profusely to the church, the bridal shop, the flower shop, the cake shop, and a few others about the sudden cancellation. Of course there was no refund for any of it. Her brother had luckily come to the financial rescue for some. As well as her folks.

But she had to keep her wedding gown, so she stared at it in misery on what was supposed to be her wedding day. Three days removed, it still sat in front of her closet.

And here she was now.

Naoko, Hiro, and Taka were sprawled on the floor, exchanging side comments at every scene. Eriol and Tomoyo sat beside her on the sofa, almost for protection. Only Syaoran was nowhere to be seen.

Without giving a reason, she'd asked him to disappear for a while. He hadn't argued.

Now she regretted it. She missed him terribly. Throughout her life, at every significant moment, he was always there. Especially during times when she felt most miserable, he was the only one who knew how to comfort her the way she needed to be comforted.

"Where did he go?" Sakura asked Eriol now.

Stretched lazily against the sofa, he sat up. "Uh…he didn't say. But Meilin took him with her."

She turned to Tomoyo. "Did he tell you where they went?"

Tomoyo shook her head.

"Why'd he listen to me?" She muttered to herself. "Shouldn't he know me better than that?"

At that, the other three glanced up. Naoko reached forward and rested her hand on Sakura's knee. "What can we do?"

"Sorry. I'm being so ungrateful." Sakura took Naoko's hand. "Thank you for keeping me company the last few days. You made this self-inflicted nightmare a little easier to go through."

"We're always here, Sakura," Takashi added with an encouraging smile. "If you want us to go find Syaoran for you, we will. Just say the word."

At that she smiled half-heartedly. "Thanks Taka."

"You want something to eat? I can go buy ice cream or chocolate if you want," Hiro offered.

"No, no, that's okay. Maybe…if you don't mind sleeping over, you guys could keep me company tonight."

"Of course!" Naoko answered immediately. "You didn't even have to ask. We have a pile of futons in Eriol's trunk."

Touched by the kindness and thoughtfulness of her friends, Sakura could only put her arms around Eriol and Tomoyo's shoulders and pull them in for a group hug.

"Thank you."

:::

Eriol glanced down at the five sleeping bodies on the living room. Across the tatami mats laid, in order, Takashi, Hiro, Naoko, Tomoyo, and Sakura. His empty futon rested beside Sakura. That should have been Syaoran's spot, but…

He quietly shut the apartment door behind him and walked out of the building. There by the parking lot, against the shrubs and plants, sat Syaoran.

"Hey man." Eriol took his spot beside Syaoran. "How long have you been here?"

He shrugged.

"I'm glad you called. Sakura was wondering where you went earlier," he said with a light chuckle.

Syaoran shook his head in slight disbelief. "She told me to disappear. I don't get that woman."

"Yeah well…I don't think she understands herself either."

"How is she?" He glanced up at Sakura's window.

"I don't know. She didn't say anything all day except to ask where you were and to ask us to stay overnight. It's only been three days since the supposed wedding day, so… very, very fresh wounds."

"So she still hasn't told you why she did it," he concluded.

"No."

"She said if she told me the real reason, I'd lose it, that I'd walk away. I still can't figure it out."

Because you're the world's most clueless guy, Eriol thought dryly.

"I hate this. I'm so worried about her but she won't let me see her." Syaoran sighed and stood up. "What should I do, Hiira?"

"I'll go wake her up," he said, standing as well.

"No don't," Syaoran grabbed his shoulder to stop him. "She hasn't slept much, don't wake her up."

"She's probably not asleep anyway," Eriol said lightly. "Just stay here."

Syaoran watched as Eriol entered the building again. He waited for five minutes in the same spot, wondering how Eriol would convince Sakura to even come down to see him. Syaoran wasn't sure how he'd react at the sight of her forlorn face again anyway. Ten days ago it tore him up to see her so devastated.

All he could do was be there for her. And he was. He'd given up sleep to comfort her at the park at 4am in the morning. But after that morning, she hadn't spoken to him again. Well. Other than a brief phone call when she'd said, "could you just…not show your face for a while? Sorry Sho." A little bit of a slap in the face, but hey. He did say he could be her punching bag if that's what she needed.

Eriol returned with arms spread out, palms facing upward, in a sign of 'I-tried.'

"She still doesn't want to see me?" Syaoran asked dully.

"No."

He glanced up. Someone moved quickly out of sight from the window. Most likely Sakura.

"I must've done something."

Eriol sat beside him again. "It's not my place to say anything."

He sighed. "Fine. Could you just tell her I'm here? If she ever needs me – not as an emotional punching bag – I'm here."

Eriol nodded, patting Syaoran's shoulder in comfort. "You should go home and get some rest."

"Yeah."

::::::

Another week passed. She was doing slightly better than before. Tomoyo had suggested to go shopping after work instead of going straight home. She had spent far too many nights at home alone since the breakup, as far as Tomoyo was concerned. And successfully, here she was now, standing in front of a clothing store at the mall.

But she'd gone alone and she wasn't feeling particularly inclined to shop.

"What are you doing?"

She glanced up in surprise at the female voice. Tall and gorgeous in her blue stilettos and stylish dress, Meilin sauntered over to her with half a smirk on her face.

"H-hi."

"Sakura, right?"

She nodded.

"You've been standing there for a while," Meilin continued, stopping just a few feet away. "Is there something wrong?"

She shook her head. Sakura looked back at the clothing store. "I'm just thinking if…I need something inside."

"Do you need help finding something? I can help you if you'd like," Meilin offered. It wasn't in her personality to offer help, but the poor girl looked so sad.

"Uh…that's okay."

"Or would you rather have a listening ear? I'd be a great person to talk to. I don't know any of your friends, except of course my dear cuz. But I can give you very objective advice."

A little surprised, Sakura said, "Why would you want to listen to me?"

Not known to mince words, she replied bluntly. "Because I pity you."

Sakura frowned. "I…don't-"

Meilin took her hand anyway. "Don't bother with the pride." She pulled her along to a café in the mall.

Speechless, Sakura said nothing as she let Meilin pull her through the mall and past the kiosks and people handing out ads, up the escalator twice. Then she pushed her down to a seat inside a café.

When they had their drinks and were seated on the table comfortably, Meilin crossed her long legs in front of her and leaned against the back of the seat.

"All right you've got my attention. Why don't you start from the beginning?"

Sakura blinked.

Also known to be impatient, Meilin added, "Or should I ask questions instead?"

"Wait, wait." Also a strong-willed woman herself, Sakura responded with, "My brain has been processing things very slowly for the last three weeks and I feel like I just got caught in Hurricane Meilin. Give me a second."

Unoffended, Meilin conceded and took a sip of her soybean latte.

After another moment, "Maybe you should ask me something. I…don't know where to start."

"Do you regret your decision?"

"Wow. You don't beat around the bush, do you?"

"I don't believe in small talk."

Sakura released a deep breath, then said, "All right, fair enough. I guess… I really don't regret it… but there are a few times I do. I loved Kohei," she murmured, "though it may not seem like it the way…I ended things with us."

"Mm."

"But it's not right to marry someone when you're still hoping, still in love with someone else. And I…I didn't know I was still in love with this person. It's been years since I entertained those kinds of thoughts, but…one little moment that happened – we didn't kiss or anything like that – it's hard to describe, but because of it, I realized that I still wanted this person to be…mine." She sighed, sweeping a shaky hand over her hair. "When that hit me, I knew I was cheating on Kohei somehow, and I just knew I couldn't marry him. We didn't have to break up completely, I know," Sakura looked down at her finger that used to carry Kohei's engagement ring, "but it seemed impossible to return to what we had before we got engaged."

"Wow."

Sakura looked up briefly, then her gaze fell again. "I haven't been able to say those things out loud…to anyone."

"This person you're in love with – does he feel the same?"

She shook her head. "That's the worst part of it all. He has never seen me as anything more than…a friend. A sister... So it's not like I have any hope of us ever being together at any point in the future. I'm pretty sure I'll be spending the rest of my life alone. But after breaking things off with Kohei, maybe I've made peace with that. It's just…I couldn't bear the thought of marrying someone while still feeling this way for somebody…you know? And I've loved this guy for almost my whole life. Frankly, what it probably is…is that, I don't think my heart knows how to love someone else."

"Why don't you just tell him how you feel then? You could get the closure you need."

"Because telling him would mean risking a 26-year-long friendship that is as part of me as my soul. The risk is too big, too scary. And the risk is pointless when I know he doesn't feel the same way anyway."

"It's Syaoran?! You're in love with Syaoran?"

Resting her chin on her hand, "Who else could it be?" she mumbled glumly.

"Listen," Meilin began, inching forward. "I don't know Syaoran as well as you do, but I do know he's been miserable the last two weeks. Granted, he may think of you as his sister. But. Let me assure you now. Brothers don't spend many sleepless nights over their sisters. And brothers don't worry and rely on their sisters half as much as he relies on you. And that guy has been staring at his phone for hours and days just waiting for your call."

Sakura smiled sadly at that. It was ridiculous thinking of Syaoran as so pitiful. But she could imagine it. "I've been a little cruel to him. Not because I'm angry with him. Just for my own sake."

Meilin took her hand. "Look. I know it's scary and I know it's a risk, but you should just tell him."

Still unconvinced, Sakura asked, "But why?"

"'Cos you never know," Meilin said with a shrug. "Yes, it could mean the end of a 26-year-long friendship. But it could also be the start of something pretty amazing." The familiar words rang in Sakura's ears, bringing back memories of a long-ago conversation between her and her mother.

She looked down at her lap, wondering exactly just what would happen if she did tell him.

A/N: I know it's going slow, as is usual for this story, but I wanted to write something more realistic than I've ever written before. And let's be honest - relationships and love, more often than not, is a crazy mess. So please wait just a little bit more, ne! Thanks to my faithful readers =) I'm happy you enjoy reading this story!