Shane finished his meetings with Tarrington early. He suspected the remaining time had been intended to discuss the Iraq mission he had declined. Tarrington had hinted as much and continued to encourage him to take the assignment, but Shane was resolute. One mission in the Middle East per month was more than enough.
So here he was in London, with more than an hour to kill until he met Eve and Frankie for high tea at their hotel. With so much time, Shane decided to walk from the ISA offices near Whitehall to the hotel, which was just north of Piccadilly.
It was certainly a nice enough day for a walk, and getting out into the sunshine might help him clear his head.
He had left Donovan Manor two days earlier, shortly after the run-in with Steve in the kitchen. Shane had decided that staying there would only make matters worse. Kim had said he should give Kayla and Steve a "wide berth," and he figured London was wide enough. Had he stayed, he and Steve would have probably come to blows again, and that would have only added to Kayla's stress and made Kim's job harder. Removing himself from that situation was probably the best for everyone involved. Including yourself. Shane sighed softly. He knew that leaving Donovan Manor had not been only to make things easier for the others. He also had no desire to endure any further taunts from Steve Johnson.
For the first time in his life, though, Shane felt like a stranger in his own home.
He knew he had to return. Andrew was still at the house and was probably wondering where Daddy had gone. Kim was probably covering for him and telling the boy that Shane was busy working.
Well that was sort of the truth. He had spent the past two days in London reviewing all the active special investigations. Since being promoted to head of the unit, Shane's workload had doubled. Not only was he running his own cases, but he was overseeing numerous cases being handled by other operatives.
Of course, he could have probably postponed that review for another month or two. Or he could have done it from his communications room. So what if it was just an excuse? It got him away from the chaos at Donovan Manor and it gave him something to do so he didn't have to deal with being alone again.
In theory, letting go should have been easy. Shane had always known he could hold only a piece of Kayla's heart. They both knew that. That was one of the attractions. As he told her, they worked because they knew the limits of what they could give each other. So why was it so hard to accept?
He knew the answer. Like he told Kayla, he would never be able to find someone willing to accept those limitations. No matter how much he tried, his heart would never fully let go of Kim.
Shane stopped suddenly and looked around. Ironic, he thought, as he realized that he had walked up Great George Street to Birdcage Walk and had turned into St. James Park. He looked out across the lush green grass and the summer flowers. Swarms of people were sitting out on the grass or feeding the geese that wandered along the banks of the central lake.
How many times had he and Kim come here? It had been something of a refuge for Kim during her early visits to London. They had come here initially when he showed her the city, and then she had come here to think about the impact that Emma's return would have on their burgeoning relationship.
Shane remembered standing beside her and saying that nothing could possibly change how he felt for her. Isn't that a laugh? What a difference a few years of marriage could make. There had been a time when their love could overcome everything, but it had been unable to overcome her secrets and lies, and his unwillingness to forgive them.
Sometimes Shane wondered why he had been so unwilling to accept that Jeannie was Cal's child. He had accepted Andrew when he thought the boy was Victor's; he had even insisted that biology was an irrelevant factor. Yet with Jeannie, he could not make that same concession. Was it because Kim had lied to him a second time after he had endured such lies about Andrew? Or was his problem something more basic - that he could not forgive Kim for moving on so quickly after she believed Shane had died?
Two months. That was all the time she had spent mourning him. When Shane compared that to how slow Kayla had been to even entertain the thought of another relationship after Steve's death, it was no wonder that he felt betrayed. He wondered if Kim valued their love at all.
Shane sighed as he crossed the bridge over the lake. Yes, his anger was logical - even reasonable under the circumstances - but that did not make the wounds hurt any less.
Reaching the north edge of the park, Shane checked his watch again. He still had plenty of time before he was supposed to meet Eve.
That was going to be a hard for him to take. Eve had moved out of his house a few months earlier, but she had at least remained in Salem. Now she was moving halfway around the world. You're not ready to lose your little girl, he told himself. No, how could he? He had lost so much time with Eve because of Gabrielle's deception and now she was moving on.
Shane stopped at a newsagent and picked up the Evening Standard. He could check up on the latest cricket scores while he waited at the hotel. As he started walking again, he glanced down at the paper and came to a sudden halt.
No wonder I've been dwelling on Kim.
It probably was entirely his subconscious, but how could he have not realized what day it was? August 13. Exactly one year since Kim had walked out. This date was becoming quite the day for farewells. August 13, 1990 - Goodbye, Kim. August 13, 1991 - Goodbye, Eve.
Shane began walking again, this time even faster. If he got to the hotel early, he might have time to hit the bar. Something told him that he would need a whiskey or two to get through the rest of this day.