Kim checked on Jeannie and looked again at the clock. It was 12:45 a.m. The baby had been fussy, probably due to teething, and Kim had spent the past three hours trying to get her to sleep. Now, Kim was wide awake. She doubted she could fall asleep, no matter how hard she tried.
Leaving the bedroom, Kim walked over to Shane's room. She thought he might have returned from London, but when she cracked open the door, she saw that the bed was empty.
Three days. Three days during which Shane had just disappeared. Kim was furious at him. She had brought Andrew to England so he could spend time with his father. How could she explain that Daddy had more important things to do than see his son?
Kim sighed and decided to go downstairs. She picked up a book of poetry in the library and headed to the sitting room. She sat down on the old leather couch and began to read.
A loud crash jarred her awake, and Kim realized that she must have dozed off when she looked at the grandfather clock and saw that it was after 2:00 a.m. She sat up and looked in the direction of the foyer.
"Shane?"
He was leaning heavily on an accent table by the sitting room entrance. Pieces of what looked like a vase were scattered on the floor. Shane looked up and blinked a few times. "Oh, Kim. . . . Didn't see you there." He looked at the pieces on the floor. "Guess it's not the best month for vases at Donovan Manor, is it?"
Kim stood up and looked at him. His tie was hanging loose and his eyes were bloodshot. "Are you drunk?" she asked.
He stood upright and laughed. "Drunk? Me? Okay . . . just a little."
"You're more than a little drunk." That was obvious. Kim crossed the room, took his arm, and pulled him to the couch. Once he was seated, she said, "Where the hell have you been?"
"Me? I've been in London. Where else?" He said that like it was obvious.
"You've been gone for three days. Have you been drinking all that time?" It was hard for Kim to imagine Shane on a bender. She had never seen Shane drunk like this before, and could actually count on one hand the times she had even seen him tipsy.
"All that time?" Shane seemed to think for a moment. "No. I was definitely . . . yes, definitely sober when I met with Tarrington to see what new and interesting ways he's come up with to screw up my life. And I was . . . yes . . . I was mostly sober when I saw Eve." He looked at Kim. "Did you know my little girl's off to Africa? No idea if she'll be coming back." He waved a hand in the air. "So long, Eve. Been good to know you - for five years. Sorry about all the rest. Couldn't be helped, could it?"
Kim closed her eyes. She could see the pain that Shane had been trying to bury. It wasn't just Eve leaving, though she knew how much Shane loved his daughter; that was just the latest in a long line of hits to his psyche. In the last year, their marriage had ended, she had moved away with Andrew, he had fallen in love with and lost Kayla, and now felt he was losing one of his children. Kim took a seat on the couch next to him.
"You're going to get through this, Shane. It's not the end of the world."
He gave her a crooked smile. "Of course, I'm going to get through this. Story of my entire life - just get through it. Emma dies and I get through it. Fall in love with you, Emma comes back, and I get through it. Then Andrew's kidnapped, you lose our baby. . . and I get through it. You walk out on me, come back, then there's Cal, and you leave again . . . All of that and I bloody well get through it. But . . ." His voice rose. "But what's the blasted point of it all?"
Kim shook her head. He was saying things that she had voiced before - that they never really had a chance. There was always something working against them. "I don't know, Shane."
"When do I get to be happy, Kim?" He leaned his head back against the couch and looked up at the ceiling. "That's all Kayla and I wanted - just to make each other happy, just to forget the pain for a little while."
Kim reached a hand out and took Shane's hand in hers. "You've made Kayla happy, Shane. You've made her happier than anyone could have."
He pulled his hand away and leaned forward so his head was resting in his hands. "Then why do I feel like I'm being punished for it? I just wanted to do the right thing." He raised his head again. "Damn, sometimes I wish I'd never seen that picture . . . if I'd just pretended I'd never seen that picture. . . ."
Now Kim was confused. "What picture, Shane?"
"The picture," he said like she should have known. "The picture. Steve - in that compound. If I'd just gone on . . . just acted like I'd never seen it, I'd be home now - with Kay - and we'd be happy."
"It wouldn't have made a different," Kim said. "The ISA would've freed Steve. He would've come back."
Shane shook his head and laughed contemptuously. "You really think Tarrington and the ISA cared one whit about Steve Johnson? To them, he was dead and buried."
"But your mission-"
"That's right, Kim. My mission. My decision. My head on the proverbial platter if it all goes to hell."
Kim was confused. What was he talking about? But then she remembered the way Shane had made her and Kayla promise not to reveal anything. "Shane, are you telling me the mission wasn't from the ISA?"
He laughed again. This time, it sounded half-hearted. "Officially or unofficially?"
"Officially," Kim said. She feared the answer.
"Officially." Shane seemed like he was searching for words. "Officially, there was no mission. Officially, the ISA never invaded Egypt. Officially. . . ." He looked at her with a weak smile. "Officially, Shane Donovan committed espionage by undermining the U.S. military's efforts in the Middle East."
Kim felt the room spin a little. "And that's why nobody can know about the mission? You could go to jail?"
"Give the lady a prize," Shane said.
Kim sat back and let that sink in. The pieces were falling into place. "And if you'd decided not to take that risk, there would've been no rescue mission? Steve would have just been left there?"
"Two prizes." Shane gave her a wink.
"Does Steve know how much you risked for him?"
Shane pursed his lips. "Just that he needs to keep it a secret."
"But did you tell him why?"
"Uh huh, and don't you go doing it." Shane had raised his hand and was pointing a finger at her. Well, it kept waving back and forth in front of her. "Steve knows . . . knows what he needs to know. Keep it secret and all that."
"But he should know the truth," Kim insisted.
Shane shook his head and waved his finger some more. "No . . . He'd just be angry at having to show grati . . . I mean, gratitude. Compared to that, I prefer outright hostility."
Kim thought she understood. Steve could be painfully passive-aggressive, and he already resented Shane. It would only get worse if he felt even more beholden to Shane. But she now understood Shane's frustration and anger. It wasn't just his relationship with Kayla that Shane had risked; he had put everything on the line, and Steve had responded by rubbing Shane's nose in it.
"I'm sorry." Kim reached out and grasped his hand in both of hers. "You deserve to be happy, Shane. Nobody deserves that more than you."
There was a long silence as Kim held his hand, but then he spoke in a voice so pained and brittle that it hurt Kim to even hear it.
"Why'd you leave?" he asked. "Why'd you walk out on me? Couldn't we have been happy again?"
Those were the million-dollar questions, weren't they? And she knew it was only the alcohol that allowed him to ask them. Kim just shook her head. "I don't know, Shane." It had been such a painful time when she left Salem. Shane had been so cold to her. She knew he had reasons after she deceived him about Jeannie, but that coldness had hurt her so much. They both had made so many mistakes. She squeezed Shane's hand and repeated, "I don't know."
She looked at him and realized that Shane was staring at her with an intensity that almost scared her. "Sha-" she started to say, but he leaned close and silenced her with a kiss. Kim closed her eyes. This feels so right. It's been so long. She let go of Shane's hand and reached up and pulled him even closer. Her fingers ran through his thick hair, as the kiss continued.
When they finally broke apart, Kim heard him say, "I want you, Kim. You don't know how much I want you."
She wanted him too. For so long, even as she watched him with Kayla, Kim had wanted him. She pulled him toward her as she leaned back and brought her legs onto the couch. Shane looked down at her and the kisses continued.
"You're so beautiful," he whispered as he nuzzled her neck. "So, so beautiful." Her robe fell open as he untied it, and she felt his body press against hers. "I've been such a fool," he breathed.
Kim was unable to respond; she was lost in the moment. Her heart pounded and she moaned as he began to undress her. It feels so good. Barely aware of what she was doing, she tossed his tie aside, unbuttoned his shirt, and slid her hands over his chest. God, I want this, she thought. I've wanted this for so long.
Even when he was claiming he loved your sister?
Kim tried to ignore that nagging voice in the back of her head, as the kissing and caressing continued. He knew her body so well that his every touch was a jolt of pleasure. Shane was with her now. He wanted her.
He's drunk.
It didn't matter. They would make love here, then go to his room, and in the morning, they would wake up together.
And if he says it was a mistake?
Kim winced, even as Shane continued to touch her. She wanted him so much; she never wanted him to stop.
He said he loved your sister. He's using you.
She knew the voice was right, but did it matter? She knew Shane still loved her, even if that love was buried, even if he had pretended otherwise when he was with Kayla. Kim reared her head back as he continued to caress her. "Oh . . . Oh, yes . . . ."
He wanted Kayla. He wants Kayla.
Kim blinked back tears. She jerked back and pushed Shane away. "Stop," she said. "Just stop."
Shane sat up, confusion evident on his face. "Kim?" His eyes seemed to have difficulty focusing.
He's drunk, Kim reminded herself. She shook her head. "I won't be your second choice, Shane. I love you and I want you, but I won't make love to you just because you're hurting because my sister rejected you. That . . . that would be a lie."
"Kim. . . ." Shane's voice trailed off. It looked to her like he was struggling to organize his thoughts. Then, he frowned, as if his mind had cleared. Shane looked down, but nodded slowly. "I'm sorry, Kim."
Not as sorry as me, she thought. Then she stood, pulled her robe tightly around her body, and ran toward the stairs, fleeing the room as fast as she could. The last thing Kim wanted was to let Shane Donovan see her cry.