Chapter 18

"When Kohei asked me out and I said yes, I made a decision to give you up completely. And I meant it. You were the reason I said yes to him in the first place."

The moonlight was glimmering over the ocean in front of them. With their legs dangling over the ledge at the quiet seaside park, Sakura revealed what she could and Syaoran quietly listened.

"I taught myself to love Kohei. At first, it was hard." She stretched out her left hand again and kept her gaze on her ring finger. "I couldn't bring myself to feel anything for him for the first few months. But eventually, I did learn to love him. I got used to seeing him every day. He was… everything I was looking for. So it made perfect sense to me to say yes when he proposed. You know, here was a man who loved me more than… anyone ever loved me. While you… stood beside me all my life and didn't notice me. Everything I wanted from you, I got from him."

Sakura looked up. Talking about this now, an ache began to settle in her heart. An ache for having lost a good man.

"But all the while we were engaged, I don't like admitting it out loud, but…sometimes I'd look at you. There was still something missing that I wanted from Kohei and I couldn't get it. So I refused to admit it, I guess until… until it was in front of my face. Are you still listening?" She said, nudging him with her elbow lightly.

"'Course."

"Any questions?"

"How'd you keep it a secret for so long? How you felt about me I mean."

She shrugged. "Honestly, before I knew it, eleven years passed and I was engaged to somebody else. Actually I had no intention of ever telling you, Sho."

He frowned. "Why not?"

"Because. I was afraid of losing our friendship. Twenty-five years we've been friends. It wasn't worth the risk, I thought. But when I broke off my engagement because of you, I started to think that maybe it was. That I needed closure."

After that, a long length of silence came. Sakura rested her hands on her lap. As best friends, they knew almost everything about each other, but…this was one of the few things that neither knew about. The matters of the heart.

Syaoran then spoke. "It's not that I didn't notice you Sakuchin," he tried to explain. "I've always thought you're beautiful. Everything about you I mean, not just your face."

The way he said that so easily threw her off. Her heart took a helpless tumble.

"But I don't know, we grew up like brother and sister all our lives. It was a rule in my mind never to think of you as a woman. I stood by that rule all my life. When you got engaged, it bothered me a lot. Like it was weird that you were getting married. Because in my mind, you weren't really a woman. Ah it sounds stupid and cold, but do you know what I mean?"

She nodded silently.

"Then at that bridal store, I don't know, it was crazy. Like something took away the rule in my head. And I saw you, not as the girl I grew up with, but as a woman. For the first time. Sorry. It's not something any woman wants to hear, but it's the truth." When he glanced down at her, she had beads of tears in her eyes.

She covered her eyes with her sleeves for a moment. "I thought I imagined it that day…that you looked at me differently. But because of that day, I started hoping again. And when I felt that hope, I realized…'ah, you're still in love with him.' It was really hard to face that. Because I couldn't imagine myself marry someone while having feelings for someone else. I couldn't do it to Kohei."

After a pause, he said, "You're really in love with me, aren't you?"

Sakura punched his thigh. "Don't be cocky about it. That's not attractive."

He took her hand. "I'm gonna be honest, Sakuchin. I don't know how I feel about you. I really don't. But… I don't see you the way I used to anymore." He met her gaze and held it. "All I know is I want to spend time with you, just the two of us. I don't know what'll happen, but I want to try. Cos if we don't, we'll never know. Right?"

Still in disbelief, she could only murmur, "Are those words really coming out of your mouth?"

He chuckled then.

She was quiet for a moment, trying to believe that he had actually said what he just said. It seemed like a dream. How long had she hoped for this chance to see what it would be like to be together not as friends but something a little more?

Then, quietly, "Okay."

He met her gaze. "Ok?"

"You're right. If we don't, we'll never know."

He put his arm around her shoulders and she rested her head against some reason, despite the nervousness and wariness at the start of the conversation, the rest seemed to take care of itself naturally.

:::

With news to share, Sakura had thought a much needed women's night out would be good. Two nights later, the women met for dinner. Sitting by the window at a cozy café, Sakura told them all that had transpired two nights before.

"That sounds intense," Naoko replied with a wide gaze.

"Yes."

"I can't believe he initiated it too," Tomoyo pointed out. "One would think in this situation, it would be you begging for a chance to explain yourself and he would be the one wanting to run away. Since you're the one who started it all."

"Yeah, I…was not ready to sit down and talk about it. But he wanted to get it over with I guess."

"I don't get why you were so afraid anyway," Naoko said with a raised brow. "I mean, if he brought it up over and over again, he was looking forward to coming home and start dating you."

At that, Sakura couldn't help the blood flood her cheeks. "I guess my instinct is to think it's all…a big dream. All my life, I hoped and hoped he would notice me and he never did. Until now. So I think it's my insecurity? I feel like I've prepared myself for this to…not work out."

"I can't blame you," Tomoyo said sympathetically.

"Anyway." Sakura figured she had talked enough about it. Any more and she would get more paranoid. "That's my story. If you notice something different when we're together – scratch that, things will be different. But that's why."

Naoko laughed. "Noted."

"But enough about me. What's new with you and Eriol?" Sakura asked, turning the tables on her. "How is it going?"

Tomoyo smiled. "It's going well. It'll be our three-month anniversary soon. Eriol's a really good man. I don't know why I never noticed him in high school."

"Aww. Have you guys said "I love you" yet?" Naoko asked.

"Um…" she shook her head. "Maybe on our anniversary one of us will say it first. Actually I'm curious about something though." Tomoyo paused. "We haven't talked much about our exes, but I just want to know about… well, it's kind of an unhealthy curiosity…"

Sakura caught on quickly. "Ohh."

Slightly embarrassed, Tomoyo took a sip of her wine. "Yeah."

"You mean Shiori, right?"

Tomoyo stopped. "That's her name?"

"Ohh yeah, Shiori," Naoko murmured.

"Yeah. He dated her for…it must have been over two years. We were all in university then," Sakura reminded Naoko. "He hasn't mentioned her?"

Frowning, Tomoyo shook her head. "He mentioned once that his last serious relationship was five years ago and that's all. He never brought it up again." Hunched forward, she asked, "What happened between them?"

"Hmm…" Sakura and Naoko looked at each other and angled their heads in wonder. "What did happen?"

"I think Eriol was the one who broke up with her, if I remember correctly…" Naoko said, then clapped her hands once. "Oh yeah! She moved away, didn't she? She was from Okinawa originally and she went back after university."

Slowly, Sakura remembered a few details. "Oh yeah…I think they tried the long distance thing at first. And it didn't work…or something like that."

Naoko patted Tomoyo's shoulder sympathetically. "You should just ask him. You've been dating for 3 months, so I'm sure it wont bother him if you bring it up."

Tomoyo nodded slowly. "That's true…"

"Why all of a sudden?" Sakura asked.

"Mm…I don't know. I guess because things are getting serious, so I'm naturally more curious?"

"Makes sense."

"What about you Naoko?" Sakura asked. "How's life?"

"It's good." She smiled brightly. "I'm perfectly happy being single!"

Sakura laughed. "You always were."

She shrugged easily. "I don't like anyone and there's no one around that's showing any interest, and that's ok. I figure it'll come in time. I'm in no hurry. I just want to finish my PhD."

"Yeah. Being in a relationship with someone's not always all that it's cracked up to be, unfortunately," Tomoyo said with a wry smile. "The first stage is fun and exciting, but then you pass that stage and it takes both of you to put a lot more effort for it to keep going."

Sakura thought of her relationship with Kohei. She'd put a lot of effort to learn to love him from the beginning, she remembered. And it felt like she'd skipped the first stage altogether. But with Syaoran, this…pre-first stage…whatever it was, carried a complicated array of emotions. Something fairly unfamiliar for hr.

"Where are you guys going on your first date?" Naoko asked Sakura excitedly.

"Oh…just a dinner and movie," she said a little bashfully. "That's what we decided before he left for Hong Kong anyway."

::::::

At a family restaurant, Syaoran and Sakura sat in a two-person booth by the window. In casual clothes, they both aimed at having an atmosphere of a normal hang-out. And it was normal at first. Syaoran didn't pick her up as he promised. They took transit. They didn't pick an especially quiet or romantic restaurant. This one was a bit noisy.

But the difference was the way Syaoran looked at her often once they were seated in the restaurant.

It was unnerving.

As she enjoyed her dinner, Syaoran sometimes stopped what he was doing and sat there, just watching her. At first, she ignored it, thinking it was all in her mind. But when she bit into her burger and peeked at him, he was looking at her again. With no particular expression on his face. And no intention of looking away.

She blinked. With food in her mouth and a small piece of onion dangling from her lip, she had enough. "Hmfhhmf."

"What?"

Impatiently she shoved the onion in her mouth, chewed, and swallowed first. Then she took a gulp of her coke and planted her hands on the table. "You keep looking at me."

His amber eyes flickered with amusement. Nonchalantly, he replied, "So? Is it a crime?"

"No…but…"

He threw her an expectant look.

"Why do you keep doing it? Is there something on my face? Like a third eye?"

Syaoran burst into laughter. "Sorry. I'm not doing it to annoy you."

"Then what?"

"I just keep thinking back to when we were still in school, but now I'm trying to picture everything knowing you liked me then."

She laughed and groaned at the same time. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. But…" He shook his head. "I don't know, you never showed it. So I don't blame myself for not knowing you liked me back then."

"Jerk. Half of the reason is because you didn't see me as a girl."

"I did see you as a girl. Just not one I was allowed to be interested in."

She couldn't understand how he could easily comfort her like that. "Well, stop looking at me anyway. Eat your food."

"I can't promise that I'll stop looking at you, but I'll try to do it when you don't notice." When she kicked at his leg, he laughed. Then he started eating his burger again.

When they'd finished eating dinner, the two remained where they were, enjoying the moment as it was. She sipped her lemonade and glanced around the big restaurant. There were families and couples and groups of friends and it was a nice atmosphere.

"Thanks for picking this place."

His eyes met hers then. "No problem. Can I ask you something before we head up?"

"Sure."

He leaned forward, kept his eyes on her. "Why do you like me, Sakuchin?"

At the serious question, Sakura blinked. "What?"

"I just keep thinking… you know… why me? Kohei was a good guy. Eriol's a good guy. Taka, Hiro, lots of good guys around. Why me?"

"Ugh I know. I've asked myself that question many times. Why you?"

"Aw. I wanted you to list all my good qualities."

Sakura laughed. "Who ever really gets to choose who they fall for?" When he smiled that charming smile, she slightly turned red. "You've got as many good qualities as you do bad and for some reason, knowing all of it, I still like you. So it must not just be your good qualities. I don't think there's any particular reason why you fall for someone, Sho. You just do."

At that, he conceded. "Yeah all right. I guess that's hard to explain."

"Or maybe it's just because you're the first guy to ever kiss me," she added offhandedly. "It could just be that."

He laughed. "Good thing I did then."

She reached over and pinched his nose. "I think that's enough flirting for one night."

"Ow." When he tried to grab the hand pinching him, she pulled away and bonked him on the forehead instead.

"Come on, lover boy. Movie's waiting."

:::

Finishing his 8k for the day, Eriol waved at the violet-haired woman standing under a lamppost. She was carrying his exercise bag and a sports drink like a true, devoted girlfriend would. Still out of breath, he came to her and touched his lips to hers briefly.

"Hi babe. I'd hug you but I stink."

"That's ok. I'd rather you not," she said with an amused smile. "How was the run?"

"My pace was a little fast in the beginning. I got tired around 6k so I slowed down. Sorry if I kept you waiting for a while."

She shook her head. "No worries."

"How was work?" He asked, taking off his shirt at the side of the road.

"Our aircon stopped working around noon. It was awful. We were drawing new design ideas for next summer. It's hard to get inspiration when it's humid and hot inside the office."

Changed into fresh clothes, he hung a sports towel over his shoulders and grabbed Tomoyo's hand. "Really? They didn't get anybody in to fix it?"

"Maybe tomorrow."

While they walked to the parking lot, Tomoyo squeezed Eriol's hand affectionately.

He glanced at her.

"Your hand's warm."

"Oh sorry," he laughed. "You want to let go?"

"No." She held even tighter.

Ten minutes later, they were settled in the car. As Eriol started to drive, Tomoyo watched the sun fall below the horizon. The sky was a dark yellow and orange. It was a pretty night. And the silence was the perfect opportunity. Gathering some courage, she spoke again.

"I have a question."

"What?"

"It's about your ex-girlfriend."

"Ah…" He stopped at a red light. "My ex from university?"

"Yeah." She paused for a few moments before, "What happened between you two?"

Uncomfortable, Eriol scratched the back of his head. "Why…do you need to know?"

She flinched. "I figured we were…getting serious and I just became curious." She shook her head quickly. "Sorry, maybe it's too early. Forget I said anything."

Eriol tapped the steering wheel with his finger, unsure what to say. "Sorry, Tomo."

She brushed his apology off. "Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong. Forget it," she finished, patting his arm lovingly.

At that, an awkward silence resonated in the car during the rest of the drive. Tomoyo stared out her window, reprimanding herself. They were making great progress as a couple, so why cause problems? She thought regretfully. That was her problem. That had been the problem with her other exes too. Too curious, too nosy, too insensitive.

:::

After watching a two-hour movie at the cinema, Syaoran and Sakura walked along the downtown streets busy with people and cars. It was loud and busy, it being a Friday night.

"Should we go home?" Sakura asked.

"Want to go for a walk by the beach?" He asked at the same time.

"I like your idea better," she answered right away.

He grinned. "It's too early to go home, Sakuchin. On a Friday night and on our first date."

Swiftly, smoothly, his hand found hers. Holding it comfortably, he led them down a street off the main street. They'd often held hands before, but this felt entirely too different. She felt warmth settle inside her, making her hold back a giddy smile.

"Imagine you won the lottery," he began.

"Ok."

"What would you do with the money?"

"How much money are we talking about here?"

"Let's say 100 million yen."

"I'd pay off all my student loans first," she began to list out. "Then I would give some to my mom and dad's retirement fund, go on a trip to Australia – maybe I'd take all of you with me – then put whatever's left in savings. I'd love to see Rika anyway, meet her kids and husband."

"Very practical."

She pinched him. "You have to be with that much money. Otherwise, I would just waste it all on shopping. But don't you think it'd be nice to go to Australia and see Rika?"

"Yeah I'd like to go one time."

"I bet you would buy a ticket to the championship game at the next World Cup."

He laughed at how accurately she'd pegged him. "Yep. I really would. I'd buy three though. For you and Hiro too."

"Aw."

"When we were in high school, after every soccer game we won, Mom would ask me if I ever thought about playing for Japan someday."

She glanced up at him at that. "Oh yeah? I didn't know that."

"When you're in high school, no dream is impossible. I always told her yeah, someday I'd like to represent Japan at the World Cup. Whenever Dad heard me talk about that, he'd give me the look, but Mom, she didn't mind the idea."

"I like hearing you talk about your mom and dad," Sakura said, beaming. "That's one of the great things about you, Sho. You love your family so much."

"Mm. Family's the most important. Right?"

"Yup."

:::

By the time they arrived at Tomoyo's house, the silence had grown from awkward to unpleasant to upsetting. Eriol turned off the car engine and they sat in the car, neither motioning to get out of the car.

Taking a deep breath, Tomoyo started first. "Clearly, I brought something up that's off-limits. I don't want this to make things awkward or difficult between us." She turned to him, her heart heavy and her morale affected, but she pretended to be strong. "I'm sorry."

"No, you didn't do anything. You didn't know either." Knowing this would probably affect their relationship, he decided to just tell the truth. Slowly, hesitantly, he met Tomoyo's eyes. "We didn't have a good breakup. Neither of us wanted to break up, so it's still not something I think about. Or talk about."

The pain she felt was immediate and strong. Unable to help herself, she looked away.

Eriol's gaze fell.

At the sound of a seatbelt unlocking, Eriol looked up again. Tomoyo held the car door and said, "I'll see you tomorrow?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

Quietly, she said, "Goodnight," and then motioned to get out of the car.

Then Eriol grabbed her arm. "Wait."

She stopped.

"I know that hurts you," he said with a sigh. "Sorry."

Gathering sympathy, she reached over and kissed him quickly on the cheek. "Don't worry about me. Goodnight." And with that, she exited the car and didn't look back.

A/N: As you know, I'm trying to write a more realistic story with this one, so your feedback would be much appreciated! Let me know what you thought ne! =)