Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 9
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
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AN: This chapter was collaborated by wolvenstrom
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And so Dipper brought Humans and ponies together and they all lived happily ever after right?...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeell not quite...
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"Hurry up their Applebloom! The sooner we get our chores done, the sooner we can have fun with our friends!" Said Applejack to her sister as she and big mac ran out to the orchard.
Applebloom trotted happily along, "Alright! I hope this gets done soon! Me and the other crusaders are going to- She stops and looks forward confused, "Hey, What are those two humans doing in our apple groove?"
Applejack and Big Mac squinted up ahead...sure enough..their were two humans on the ground...doing something to each other... "I don't rightly know...but it don't look too comfortable." She admits as she cocks her head baffled.
"Nope." agrees Big Mac.
It's at that point that granny Smith waddles up to them, "Now why in tarnation have you stopped? Those apples won't- She stops in her tracks...for a moment she's silent as her dentures fall out of her gaping mouth- "OH MY STARS AND GARTERS! COVER YOUR EYES GIRLS! BIG MAC! GET THE HOSE!"
Quickly she spays the two naked teens off her land, screaming at them all the while, -ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Doing 'THAT' in broad daylight- on my good golden delicious plants! MY GRANDDAUGHTER'S SAW EVERYTHING YOU PUNKS!"
Granny...what WERE they doing?" Asked a confused Applejack. Granny groaned...this was going to be a LOOOONG day.
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"Sometimes I think, is this all there is? Is life just, some horrific joke, without a punch line? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death?" Mused Toby determined on the stage of pony open mike night...the ponies just looked at him in horror...some shuddered...some cradled in terror...but most just sobbed as the concept of 'existential angst' was introduced to Equestria...
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"Wait, so all I have to do is tell you how much my human money is worth in Equestrian money and you'll give me it no questions asked?" Asked Grunkle Stan in disbelief. The bank teller smiled, "Yes siree! Here in Equestria we believe in the honor system!"
"Honnnnoooor?" Sounded out Stan confused, then shakes his head. "Aren't...you know...worried about embezzlement?" Now it was the tellers turn to look confused. "Emmmmbbbbeeeeezzzlllee? What's that?" He asks confused.
You could practically hear the dollar signs pop into Stan's eyes...
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I'm patty cheese.
He's patty cheese.
And it's all good.
It's all good.
Sang the guy on the corner with his guitar while both pony and humans clapped along.
I'll pop a cap in your ass if your in my neighborhood.
Nice neighborhood.
The humans laughed while the scandalized ponies gasped, fainted, or covered the ears of their laughing kids.
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Ponies screamed as the fragile peace of main street was broken by Groundskeeper Wille's drunken tractor driving..and singing:
I'm so drunk I can barely see!
He sings while he runs over a fruit stand-
But it helps me get through another day!
Ponies scream as he runs through an out-door restaurant.
My stomach is full of haggis and ham...I got to go puke in some hay!
He promptly vomits onto a nearby pony nun...
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Old Man Mcgucket groaned as he dragged himself out of bed...and in front of a mirror...he rubbed his wrinkles and looked up-
HAPPY MORNING!
Shouts Pinkie Pie inside the mirror!
SMASH!
A startled Stan promptly responds by punching her in the face-
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But the first MAJOR incident wasn't until one fateful afternoon at Greasy's diner...where all the ponies- even Celestia -had gathered to enjoy the latest crazy new thing to come from humans. The diner was doing record business.
"Mrs. Susan, this meal is simply divine! And what a way to help soothe over the recent problems ponies have had adjusting to humans! My compliments!"
Lazy Susan smiled, "Thank you your highness. Eat as much as you want, royalty eat free!"
Celestia shook her head, "Oh, I wouldn't think of it! This is positively scrumptious!" She pulls out a sack of bits, "You must tell me how you make these- Sorry, what did you call them again?"
Lazy Susan smirked, "Their called hamburgers and their made of- And then a cow walked into the diner. "Moo-tilda! Good to see you my dear!" Shouted Celestia excited.
While the ruler of Equestria talked with the representative of Cow-rea, and introduced her to this wonderful new food...Susan stared in incomprehension...and then horror. The two brain cells left her head had finally clicked...and were telling her to RUN!
The more clever human customers, having come to the conclusion before her, were already slowly slinking away...
-Oh, I'm sorry Susan I got so side-tracked...you were saying about the burgers?" Asked Celestia. Susan was starting to sweat, "Uh...Diner closed! Uh...emergency renovation! Health inspector poisoning! NON-SPECIFIC EXCUSE!"
Celestia looked at her confused, "My Dear...are you alright?" She asked concerned while giving Moo-tilda her last burger and scarfed it happily before Susan could say anything-
GAH!
Everyone turned to Twilight, who'd just spell on her half-eaten burger to find out that-
"COWS! BURGERS ARE COWS! BURGERS ARE COWS!"
CRASH!
Everyone turned to see Susan jump through the window and run for it...naturally all the ponies began to panic, vomit and cry...Mootilda just fainted... Celestia could do nothing but slap face-hoof herself in disbelief...
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After the Diner burnt down...a town meeting was called- "I WANT HER BEHIND BARS!" Shouted an irate Mootilda. There was many a murmur of agreement among the ponies...While the humans just sat in awkward silence..naturally Stan was the first to speak.
"I don't get why your making such a fuss here...we've seen you ponies eat PLENTY of burgers already." Murmurs of agreement and confusion come from the human side.
Twilight looked at them in disbelief, "Are you talking about our HAYburgers? Those are made of hay! Not meat!" She exclaims angrily. Stan looks at her weirdly, "Really? You eat hay between two slices of bread? What's the point of that?"
"I don't know, what's the point of MURDERING MY FELLOW COWS, SLICING UP THEIR CARCASSES, AND PUTTING THEM BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!?" Retorted Mootilda angrily.
Stan shrugged obliviously, "Because it's delici- "OKAY GRUNKLE STAN! I THINK YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH!" Shouted Mable as she tackles him. Dipper- still cursing that Susan did this while he was busy exploring the forest- immediately steps up, "Look, I get that this was a disaster...but don't you have meat eaters here already? Like Griffons and such? Even Fluttershy has to kill little animals to feed her meat-eater pets."
Rainbow Dash snorted as she flew up, "Uh, yeah. I know what a meat eater is. I was buds with a griffin and all. But when Gilda got her meat on, it wasn't in front of me, and it was obvious what it was, was in the bags and boxes she told me not to open. She didn't slap a hunk of it between two buns and hide it with pony food to trick me into eating it." She pointed out.
"Dipper perhaps you don't get the situation... we were feed COWS! I ATE A COW! YOUR EATING COWS!" Shouts Twilight in grossed out horror. Dipper sighed, "Twilight. Under normal circumstances Susan wouldn't have given you the food if you were like earth ponies. But your not. Earth ponies couldn't and wouldn't eat a lot of the things I've seen you guys eat. Like cake and bread. It makes them sick." Points over to Pinkie, who wolfs down a massive cake in one bite, then takes a tiny bite out of a cupcake and appears to savor it.
"What are you talking about? Earth ponies can stomach that stuff just fine!" Exclaims Applejack in a huff. "What? No, not EARTH ponies, I mean ponies FROM earth!" Everyone just looks at him confused.
Dipper sighed...then gets an idea. "Okay...Maybe it would clear things up if you saw an actual cow from earth. Would it be alright if we brought one here?" He asks Celestia who's presiding over the meeting. Curious to see where this was going... "I'll allow it." She stated.
Dipper turns to Sprott, "Hey Sprott...bring Octavia here would you?"
Moo-tilda nodded, "Yes bring a fellow cow here so I can liberate her from your oppression-
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"KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!" Screamed Moo-tilda, the ponies also screamed in terror as Sprott brought in the 8-legged terror...
Needless to say...it was quickly decided that all earth cows were not sapient and therefore not protected by Equestria laws, and humans were allowed to eat them...provided they did so AWAY from ponies...
Celestia just looks at this whole thing and sighs "This was...unfortunate. But I would be deluding myself if I didn't think their would be difficulties at the start of our attempts to integrate. I can only hope that in the future everyone will be more cautious..."
"BOO! Hey, nice tattoos! OH! You must be Tambry's pony hating uncle Woodie!" Shouts Pinkie in the back of the hall to the startled and burly sailor man-
POW!
OW!
"Well, good meeting everyone! Look at the time I'm bushed! Let's head home everyone!" Shouts Stan urgently, taking their que the humans- minus Dipper who of course stayed behind to consul a sobbing Pinkie - ran out of their like the devil himself was chasing them...while the baffled- and kinda irritated - ponies just watched...
Celestia just rubbed her aching head with her hooves. "Three days down...the rest of our lives to go...Riiight..." At that moment a light tremor nearly caused her teapot to fall of the stand...Celestia frowns at this...and looks toward the direction of the forest...concern filling her face...
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TO BE CONTINUED?
AN: the first song is 'gangsta folk' by bob and tom. The second is from Simpsons.
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?
Love me, flame me, review me