Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 13
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
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AN: This chapter was greatly helped by Wolvenstrom's efforts, thanks buddy!
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Pacifica fumed as she left her fathers office, it had only been a say or two since the whole 'mudflap factory debacle', and her father was taking it hard...which she found VERY stupid because it hadn't really been that big of a problem for them.
After all, her father had already started phasing out that factory even before they came to Equestria(he only really used it as a tax write-off and a cover for less...legal business practices anyway), he began speeding up it's foreclosure once he realized that no Pony would ever get behind such a polluting business.
So really, Celestia and Luna only speed up the inevitable. Although his reputation took a bit of a hit in Ponyville, everywhere else his PR machines were able to spin the whole fiasco so it was his foreman's fault and had him smelling of roses for his selfless acts of cleaning up the toxins and giving generous medical care and severance to his workers(the fact that he'd been FORCED to do all this by the princesses had of course been downplayed if not outright glossed over). And really; not only was all the money spent toward that hadn't even made a dent in the vast Northwest fortune, but their lawyers were even able to write the whole thing off as 'tax deductible', saving them millions!
And although the Princesses had made it clear that they'll put their hooves down- laws or no laws -if Preston hurts their little ponies like that again...they were willing to let things go- for now -since they'd rather not throw Equestria into yet another employment diaspora so quickly(they would if they had to, but not now). So really, as long as they kept their nose clean- at least for the foreseeable future -they'd be fine!
As for their reputation drop in Ponyville...it actually wasn't as bad as it seemed, although their star had waned a bit in the eyes of the ponies(humans were smart enough not to get in the Northwests way or say a bad word against them). But seeing the 'problem' taken care of...most of the ponies decide to drop the subject, let bygones be bygones(for the most part) and move on with their day in true pony style believing that their princesses had won the day and Preston had surely learned his lesson and had become a better person.
...of course... he hadn't. Pacifica knew better then most that her father was a spoiled brat(even more so then herself). He couldn't see that he'd barely lost anything from this, all he cared about was that instead of having the princesses wrapped around his finger just like he had the politicians back home...they'd challenged him and made him do something he didn't want to do.
He was so sure he'd had the princesses wrapped around his finger just like he had the politicians back home... they'd challenged him and made him do something he didn't want to do...it was pathetic.
So what did any spoiled, entitled brat do? Take it out on someone who could afford to take it out on... A few bribes(smiley-dip to a talkative Mable) was all it took to learn that DIPPER was behind the Sisters learning of his scheme...AND that he's found a source of PLASMIDS.
This infuriates Preston even MORE! That such a goldmine had been within grabbing distance the whole time and he'd missed out on it...worse, it seemed like the Alicorn sisters had already declared Dipper as owner of the deposit...so now he wants him bleed dry and broken...and of course he brought out his usual 'tool'...for the job...Pacifica.
Indeed, Pacifica had known from a young age that her father only saw her as a means to an end, training and raising her to be a young honey trap to ensnare the young heirs of his business rivals...and take them for all they got...but NEVER as a daughter. Her mother? Pacifica might as well have NO mother for as much use she's been to her life. No, she'd known from a young age that she was on her own...
So once again- the threat of the BELL hovering over her head -she was being sent into the lions den to massage 'dear daddies' ego...fortunately...this time she had an IN to Dipper's social group.
"Darling, how are you?!" Exclaimed Rarity happily as Pacifica entered her Boutique...
...
"-So in any case, I'm looking for someone who can give me a 'pony' perspective on the science side of things to help me adjust plasmids for ponies." Explained Dipper. "And...maybe later on help with the A.I. and other projects I have cooking" He added as an afterthought.
Dr. Whooves smiled, "Say no more my good boy. I just so happen to be the foremost expert in a multitude of scientific fields."
"A multitude of fields? Like what?" Asked Dipper interested. "Oh off the top of my head. Mechanical engineering, Horology, chemistry, Biology, Chronology, Electrical engineering (amazing how you humans harness electricity without twittermites or magic), and so on... Just because some people feel that 'Magic has made science in Equestria unnecessary' doesn't mean it doesn't exist." He said proudly.
Dipper sighed, "Yes, that attitude is quite prevalent amongst ponies isn't it? Everyone's seems just happy to 'handwave' things off as 'it's magic' -no questions asked, never truly caring how things work...well, forget that! How can we ever TRULY progress- improve if we don't understand WHY this world works as it dose?!"
Dr. Whooves smiled, it was so rare to see a fellow connoisseur of scientific discovery! And from one so young, it was even more inspiring! Needless to say, the good doctor accepted the job...
...
"What do you think? Green or red?" Asked Pacifica as she tries on some of Rarity's shoes. Rarity scoffed, "Oh, sweetie, no! Try Purple, that compliments your highlights so much more!" Pacifica dose so...and smiles as she sees she's right.
She honestly really hadn't expected to strike a friendship with Rarity when she first came to her to buy clothes...she'd just wanted to buy clothes that was made by an adorable, talking, magic pony...and yet, that's what she'd gotten. It was nice to have a friend to talk about the 'finer' things-without being too stuffy -...this 'Shhhar-ing' thing she kept talking about was confusing...yet interesting.
"Any chance you could sort through the rest by yourself darling? Dipper needs me to swing by his Shack for something... Pacifica smiled... "Dipper? Dipper Pines? The boy who brought us all here...any chance you could bring me along?" Asked Pacifica sweetly...
...
"This 'plasmid' through odd is far from unique. Tis expected for exotic ingredients bizarre traits we potion masters seek." Said Zecora dismissively
Dipper sighed, She clearly consider it folly. While the idea certainly has merits in her eyes, she's well aware of what might happen if ponies could permanently change themselves in such a manner...
Dipper suppressed a groan, he needed this! He had big plans for the future! He'd read enough 'fantasy' novels to know that his friends would inevitably be whisked away on some epic quest or something! And knowing his luck, if he didn't do something BIG soon, he'd ended up being the 'comical sidekick' by default!(to be clear, he'd be that to help his friends if he had to- he'd do anything for them -but he'd rather be in a role they'd RESPECT and see as an equal)...also...he couldn't mooch off his Uncle's support forever...he needed to start thinking about how to stand on his own legs in this new world...
And no matter how he looked at it, for plasmids to work properly for ponies he needed a more intimate understanding of pony biology and magic...and Zecora was perfect for that!
Dipper took a deep breath, "Your right, their might be downsides to this...but I bet their were downsides to your 'potions' branch of magic when it was first conceived. But did that stop your people from pioneering it and later mastering it? Heck, there were probably 'downsides to 'fire' when it was first discovered to! You could literally use that argument for anything. Look, everything is dangerous...until you domesticate it. I won't lie, this stuff can be dangerous. The original people who 'refined' it...I won't share the details...but I'd rather avoid how they 'stabilized' it. Probably even more so since ponies will probably be so alien to it...but that's why I need your help! With your skills and expertise. I think together we can make this work!"
Zecora was stunned by this... It was so rare for her to meet someone for the first time so willing to perfect a process rather than rush any results. Most ponies who visit her want a quick solution, usually in the form of a potion she hopefully just has laying around.
She'd also agree with potion downsides. But she's had a long time to perfect her craft (as much as a job where you constantly look to improve and discover is)...
And so they got to work ironing out a deal...and other insightful conversations...
"I find it ever an irony, when most ponies come to see me. They brave the forest full of Monsters, curses and tricks, yet all they wish from me is an easy fix."..."so many A Time The Cure I dispense are for problem that could be solved with common sense."... "a lesson for a master is always prudent, since you never quite stop being a student."
Dipper couldn't help himself, those rhymes were amazing! ...So they continued to talk...but fortunately, Zecora seemed up for the challenge.
After she leaves, Dipper goes over some paperwork, thanks to Twilight. Celestia had not only given him an official title/position of 'Human/pony ambassador' but a large payment that went with it...if he invested it into his research plus coupled with his friends, Whooves, and Zecora's help. He was sure that-
"Well, hello there! Dipper, Dipper Pines right?" Dipper sighed...well, that was that moment ruined. He'd familiarized himself with that voice over recordings the past couple of days-
He turned around to see Pacifica Northwest, "How's you get in here?" He asked bluntly. Pacifica just gave her best smile as she sauntered over with a slightly seductive swagger. "Your friend Rarity allowed me in- she sat on his desk...which just 'happened' to put her cleavage in his direct eyesight -She and the others waiting downstairs for you...but- and I hope you'll forgive from being forward, I wanted to meet the MAN who was clever enough to weave a spell to send an entire town to another world and strong enough- she reaches over to feel his bicep -
Only for Dipper jump away and roll his eyes, "Right let me stop you right there- I KNOW that your a honey-trap, so can we please chill with the cliches already?" Said Dipper bluntly.
Pacifica's eye's almost popped out, "WHAT!? How...What are you talking about?" She quickly tried to regain her composure.
Dipper said nothing...he simply walked over to another desk where he'd compiled data on the Northwests since the 'mudflap debacle'...and pulled out one dedicated to her...it showed everything...records, documents, newspaper clippings, graphs, charts, data, pictures...all of it piecing together Pacifica's 'exploits'...
-How she convinced Remy Buxaplenty to sue his parents for everything and get emancipated so they could run away together...the 'special lawyer' she gave him has an arrangement with the Northwests(he gives them most of the money he wins, they don't tell the press about all the hundreds of (literal) skeletons in his closet), he jacks up his prices so high that Remy loses all he won from the lawsuit, leaving him and his family penniless.
How she poked at Dominic Esquito's ego, saying there was no way he could buy EVERYTHING he wanted, wanting to prove himself to the cute girl, he buys the 'special' credit card(the company that makes of which belongs to the Northwests) and uses it to buy a ridiculous amount of things(and Pacifcia keeps needling him to buy MORE), until he's spent his entire family fortune and the Northwests take possession of his entire family's empire.
And Montana Max...that moron was the easiest mark yet! All she had to do was sweettalks him to buying her whatever she wants until his family was bankrupt...
Pacifica looked at this dumbfounded...she'd known he was smart...but she'd mostly written it off as nerdy book-smart!(which if anything would make him MORE susceptible to her charms)...but this...this was actually...impressive?
"Wow...just, wow...no one- EVER has figured me out and shut me down that quickly...just...wow." Pacifica honestly didn't know what was more surprising...this turn of events...or the fact that she was genuinely impressed by this.
Dipper just shrugs...there's a long awkward silence.
"Sooo...what happens now?" Asks Pacifica. Dipper sighs, "Well...as nice as a the stipend that Celestia gave me is, I could use some investors to help things along."
Pacifica looked at him confused, "Wait...your asking me- The person who was going to ruin you -to be an investor?"
Dipper shrugs, "With my luck...I was going to get fracked over no matter who I try to get money from...at least this way I know what I'm getting into."
Pacifica...just looks at him..and smirks and laughs, "Well...your nuts...but I think I like that. So I guess I must be crazy too...I'll send my lawyer to finalize the details later...she then walks out of the room...
The instant she's gone...Dipper let's out a gasp, and flusters, "Sweet creator that girl was HOT!" Thinks a panting Dipper as he let's the self-control he'd enforced for the last few minutes fall apart...
...
Celestia once more read through Twilight's report...her concerns about Equestria and ponykind stagnating...were causing great conflict within the Alicorn ruler..
It would be easy to just agree with Dipper; while they weren't against progress(herself included), ponies for the most part saw no need to continue developing. No imperative's or danger that required them to innovate...
And yet...she wondered if the stagnation might be because of her. Due to her being Immortal; it might be a larger scale of the problem experienced between generations. Elders have trouble adapting to what is considered Easy to the younger generation, and she has been an Elder for a thousand years...
That she was still have trouble adapting to modern society, but her sister luna was having more of a go of it then she... was more embarrassing then she would admit...
As for Twilight's concerns...Well, She knows what SHE wants Twilight to be... but she also wants Twilight to reach that end herself...but Ultimately she would be happy with whatever Twilight chooses.
Celestia on the other hand...was realizing she was having the same problem as Twilight...she has no idea what she herself wants of a life that's already 1000 years old. She's been everywhere, done everything she's ever wanted to do. She's reached the point where she now realizes she's just been going through the motions of a boring life filled with a routine of cakes, tea's and little challenge. She might not like the conflict of villainy that seems to Spring up every so often... but she can't deny it brings an interesting change of pace to an otherwise mundane existence. Even if it is always the same song and dance more or less...
In fact...if she was still being honest with herself...It was why she was so eager to take on Twilight Sparkle. She'd been trying for the past several years beforehand even before she met the filly to try something different by mentoring...as well as the slightly selfish reasons of seeking out others to free her sister and to help bear the drudgery of Eternity with her... For starters.
Perhaps...perhaps both she and Twilight need humans... with their unwillingness to remain stagnant, demanding every day be different and present a different challenge...as chilling and weird a thought it maybe... but it might very well give both of them a better idea of what they want to do...
...after much internal-debate...she finally began to write:
-Dearest Twilight, I'm afraid any advice I give you on such a matter would be an oxymoron. Your life is yours to decide Twilight. Although I admit as your teacher there are certain things I wish for you to do in life, I'm not going to tell you what they are...for I want you to be whatever you choose to be. As long as you're happy and have your friends you could never disappoint me...
Celestia looked over to schematic of the idea she'd been thinking up since the 'Taxi pony debacle', before going back to writing
-change comes as it always does. Hard fast and totally unexpected. You and I- WE ALL must adapt and grow with this change. Be cautious but welcome it...which leads me to another announcement...
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Earth animals are so mean! one earth bear beat up 5 of mine!" Exclaims Fluttershy annoyed, as she listed all the various Equestria wildlife that had been driven out of their habitats by their more vicious earth counterparts. -And when I tried to reason with them- she sniffed out a tear -THEY were so mean! The things they said about my MOM!"
Twilight comforted the yellow Pegasus...then Dipper walked into the front room of the shack. First in foremost he asked what was wrong with Fluttershy, once explained he comforts her as well.
Once the sweet pony is calmed down, Dipper announces how he's going to start up a business researching various oddities and how to sell them in a practical manner to Equestria.
The mane Six stomped their hooves in applause...only to be surprised when Twilight takes the floor!
"As great as Dipper's news is...I have news that's even better! Princess Celestia is going to open a human/pony cultural exchange school right here in Gravity falls/Ponyville!"
She got the expected applause from the ponies...but from the humans...they just looked confused.
"Wait...what exactly dose that mean?" Asked Dipper curious. "It means that a mix of human and pony teachers will teach all ages of both species how to properly integrate/understand the other!" Shouts Twilight in excitement.
Rainbow Dash nodded, "Yeah, we need that- I don't know what I'm doing wrong...but that Nigerian prince I wired money too hasn't responded to my calls!"
"Yeah, and I've been giving a lot of money to all those save the animal 'pop-up' things that keep cluttering up my computer...I want to know how to contact those organizations to help them more!" Explained Fluttershy.
"And humans could stand to be a little more learned too", Said Spike as he reminisced fearfully-
...
Last week
"I'm telling you guys! The Sun is moved by Celestia!" Shouted A Spike from the stake he was tied to. "BURN HIM!" Shouted Sprott as he and the angry human Mob set fire to the stake. "What a scoop!" Shouts Pipsqueak as he flashes out a picture on his camera-
"YOU'VE STOLEN MY SOUL!" Screamed Sprott as he chased after the colt with a torch...
...
Dipper groaned as he slapped his face, "Okay...you all REALLY need this school." he admitted.
"Speak for yourself!" A familiar shadow went over Dipper as Wendy leaned over him. Her long, red, wavy locks caressed his face. "Your seriously going to make me go to school!? It's summer for crying out loud!" Shouted Wendy to Twilight. Dipper said nothing as he took in the teens beauty at close proximity...
Twilight frowned in confusion. "First of all; why wouldn't you want to go to school? Second, no one's FORCING you. It's all voluntary!"
The eye rolls from the other ponies on the first half of her statement reassured Wendy, that lighter and softer they maybe...NOpony/body liked more school then they had to take(Which makes sense, that if ANYTHING was universal. That was.) And the second bit reassured her 110% more!
Wendy chuckled as she stopped leaning on a flustered Dipper, "Voluntary?... I won't lie to you Twilight...ain't NO human going to go to that school-
...
"Dang it, I hate when I'm wrong." Groaned Wendy. Turns out Monarchism fever had spread like wildfire across Gravity Falls when Celestia first introduced herself...Having a REAL Princess presiding over them...there was just something magical about it that was hard to describe...the fact she was a magical, beautiful, majestic fairy-tale creature was just icing on the cake!
In any case, the moment she decreed that all VOLUNTARY students(of all ages) could attend...Wendy and every other teen in gravity Falls found themselves being 'volunteered' by their parents.
"But dad! It's SUMMER!" Pleaded Wendy. "I don't care if it's Ĺmigus-dyngus day! We got a pretty princess now! We got responsibilities! To both country and honor!...also...I need your help to navigate a modern high-school." Dan mumbled that last part awkwardly as they BOTH walked to their first class.
Wendy just face-palmed in disbelief...
...
The mane six entered the former human high school building that had been donated to Celestia by the school board of Gravity Falls, Twilight took in a deep breath...savoring the familiar smells, sights and sounds of learning.
Pencil shavings in the air, books being flapped about, lockers being closed, fillies and colts sobbing- WAIT, what!?
Sure enough, many fillies and colts(also some Stallions and Mares) were crying; especially the CMC! "Sugarcube! What's wrong?!" Asked Applejack concerned. Applebloom sniffed as she pointed to the walls.
Naturally their was some pony posters; 'Friendship is magic', 'everything is possible if you believe in yourself', and 'learning is fun'...but mostly...their were human posters-
"WHAT THE BUCK!?" Shouted a confused Applejack
Affirmation: Instilling the self-confidence kids will need to carry them through all the failure they'll experience because they weren't taught competence instead.
"What- Why would ANYONE ever say that!? Especially toward children!?" Demanded Twilight
Discouragement: Because there's nothing standing between you and your goal but a total lack of talent and complete failure of will.
"Why would they put up such MEAN things?!" Demanded Fluttershy.
Dream Small: It's your only hope for success, really.
"I- What- What kind of Attitude is that?!" Demanded Rarity baffled
Expectations: Refuse to accept anything but the very best and you are never going to last around here.
Rainbow scratched her head, "Are they...discouraging people? Pranking them? What, what is this?" She asked confused.
Never Give Up: Never stop trying to exceed your limits. We need the entertainment.
"Seriously, what is this trying to convey? WHY would they put this in a school?" Asked/Demanded Twilight
Politics: A nation divided against itself cannot stand to hear what those other lunatics are trying to say.
"I don't get it", Said a weirded out Pinkie Pie(an Oxymoron if there ever was one).
Pulling Together: Only works when you're not jerking in opposite directions like idiots.
"Are they...bad mouthing friendship!?" Asked a confused/horrified Twilight(this statement leads to confused gasps from other ponies).
You Are Special: If you require additional affirmation, get a puppy. The rest of us are trying to work.
"What's wrong with a puppy?" Asked a confused/hurt Fluttershy.
Accountability: A word leaders start to use right before the scapegoating begins.
"Seriously, what is this?" Asked a confused Rainbow Dash to equally confused Ponies
Be the Bridge: That way we can walk all over you on our way to better places.
"Who wrote these!?" Demanded Rarity.
Caution: Disaster awaits those who ignore hidden threats. We trust you'll find this sufficiently motivating(picture of iceberg).
"UH...I guess that's good advice...maybe?" Stated a confused Applejack awkwardly
Dare to Be Different: Because there's always room for another annoying non-conformist like you in the unemployment line.
"HEY!" Shouts an offended Pinkie Pie
Dare to Soar: With enough hot air, even losers like you can fly.
"HEY!" Shouts an offended Rainbow Dash
Downsizing: Because we're all in this together but there's always room for one less.
"WHAT!?" Shouted Twilight horrified.
Interns: The experience we're giving you is invaluable. That's why we're not paying you anything.
"Wha- I- Who- Why- WHAT KIND OF LESSON'S ARE THESE!?" Demanded an affronted Twilight
Mediocrity: Just because we accept you as you are doesn't mean we've abandoned hope you'll improve.
"Is that an insult or a compliment?" Asked Rarity...no one could answer either.
Progress: Just made you irrelevant(picture of a robot farming).
"Okay, that's just hurtful!" Shouted Applejack to a nodding Applebloom.
Ruthlessness: It pays a lot better than integrity.
"Okay, THAT one is going Bye-bye!" Shouts Twilight as she tears it down.
Teams: Together, we can do the work of one.
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Demanded Fluttershy baffled.
Motivation: If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.
"Wait, What's going to happen to me?!" Demanded a horrified Pipsqueak
Tradition: Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid(picture of people being chased by bulls).
Applejack was seeing red with this...
Wishes: When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Pinkie's main deflated, "I'm suddenly very terrified of looking at the night sky now." She admitted Depressed.
Get To Work: You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.
"Were not?!" Shouted Snips horrified.
Shoot for the Moon: Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your lungs explode from decompression. But that's what you get for being a damn showoff.
All the ponies turned green or sobbed harder.
Procrastination: Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
Applejack promptly tore this poster down- and the part of the wall it was connected to -and stamped it to rubble.
Knowledge: I believe that children are our future. And that terrifies me.
"Now what kinda thing is that to show to children!?" Demanded Rarity
Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others(picture of a shipwreck).
"Okay, seriously. Are they TRYING to traumatize these kids?!" Exclaimed Rainbow Dash still confused/horrified.
Distinction: Looking sharp is easy when you haven't done any work.
"What...just...what?!" Exclaimed a confused Twilight while everypony just scratched their heads.
Ambition: The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.(picture of salmon jumping into bears mouth)
"Are we...gonna DIE if we find our Cutie marks?" Whimpers Scottalo.
Potential: Not everyone gets to be an success when they grow up.
"NOOOOOOOO! I was counting on that!" Shouted Snails devastated.
Achievement: You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor(picture of pyramids being built by slaves being whipped)
"Okay, that's just messed up!"
Believe in Yourself: Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.
"I don't like this!" Shouted a slightly sobbing Fluttershy
Consulting: If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
Diamond Tiara looked on this in contemplation while everyone just gaped in horror...
Idiocy: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
"Again, is that a compliment or an insult!?" Everypony just shrugged
Priorities: Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.(pictures of Easter island)
Several ponies began to curl up into a fetal position and whimper...as they contemplated this crazy thing called 'life'
Consistency: It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup.
"AGAIN?! Insult or compliment!? Which is it!?"
Winners: Because nothing says "you're a loser" more than owning a motivational poster about being a winner.
Rainbow Dash suddenly felt self-concious of all the motivational 'your a winner' posters she had at home...
Twilight just shakes her head at all this, then she sees Dipper. "DIPPER! What's going on with these posters! Their weird and just plain hurtful!"
Dipper sighed, he quickly points out some of the more insightful posters-
Not every life can be a success, just like not every vessel can be seaworthy. But there's no shame in being one spectacular shipwreck. (Actually, there is. But we're not going to kick you while you're down, Edmund Fitzgerald.)
"Huh...I guess that's a little better." Admits Twilight. Then Dipper goes to explain how these 'demotivational' posters are mostly for humor...and maybe a little reverse psychology.
"Reverse, what?" Asked Twilight confused
Dipper just smiles and point out a human kid looking at the 'potential one' with an angry expression as he begins to shout at it. "Oh yeah! Ma daddy didn raise me to take no lip from no sign! He then coughs into hand and starts speaking less like a redneck and more uber manly/confident. "I'm going to go to space and you can't stop me!" He then Picks up several books from nearby shelf and begins to study seriously.
Twilight just stares at the kid blankly as he walks away. "Uh...what just happened here?" Dipper shrugged, "different ways of learning. You ponies seem to favor the 'carrot'; promise kids they'll succeed if they are good citizens and study hard, etc...where humans are all bout the 'stick'...as in reminding us constantly that if we keep slacking off...we'll be homeless, loser bums."
"Well...as long as it works for you...good for you...I guess." Said Twilight awkwardly...what else COULD she say?"
Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie was looking at a 'Watch out for 'Power to the people' stations! Poster in deep thought. She then smiles, pulls out a marker from her mane and crosses out 'people' and replaces it with 'pony'. She giggles and then trots away happily...
It was at that moment that the bell rung...Twilight watched as the many kids went to class...and she followed along to observe...hoping that the sanctity of the classrooms would provide much needed tranquility...
...you gotta fell sorry for the poor naive girl...
...
-So life...is like a beer- (drinks) -it's good, tasty and you'd step over your own mother to get to it!" Explains Mr. Simpson to his class as he drinks a beer. "But you can't stop at one! you have to drink more life! He then proceeds to drinks in excess.
...a little later...
Homer: And so I says ...YEAH!? Well, if you want that money...come and find it because I don't know where it is...yah baloneey!...you make me want to wretch!" Said a loaded Mr. Simpson.
"Wait, what dose this have to with government?" Asked Applebloom confused. "I'm getting to that! Shouts Homer before he burps and collapses on the floor."
...
"I'm just saying...when we die...there'll be a separate heaven for the french...another heaven for the German and we'll all be a lot happier!" Explained Mr. Gumble to the class.
"Mr. gumble, your upsetting us!" Exclaimed a freaked out Sweetie bell, while her classmates nodded.
"No I'm not!" Exclaims Barney right before he burp and collapses. A concerned Applebloom picks up the empty beer bottle... "What's IS this stuff?"
...
"Uh...Mr. Buzzcut...isn't this a bit much?" Asked Scootallo as the new Gym teacher makes them do the 50th dodge ball game in a row today...with balls filled with frozen ice...
Buzzcut sneers, "Oh is the little baby tired?...the person who bombards this piece of garbage is allowed a drink of water!" Scottallo suddenly finds herself pelted by dodgeballs.
" I want you pathetic pansies to fight! Fight you wimps! MAKE HER BLEED!" Screams Buzzcut.
...
"Give me 200 pages on the history of the cotton gin and how it affects Equestria by tomorrow!" Shouts Mrs. Grimmely
"What!?" Exclaimed Diamond Tiara, "But the cotton gin was invented on earth! It hasn't affected Equestria at all, I-
"500 pages!" Shouts Grimmely.
...
Mr. Jack Lassen chuckles, "I know how to deal with miscreants like you...it's how I got this scar-
"what scar?" Asks Silver Spoon.
Lassen carves his own face with a knife and lets it bleed out. "THIS scar."
The Whole class gulps...
...
Professor Longhorn: -and that's how you flip the penny on a wall." Explains Professor Longhorn
"Uh...professor...what is this teaching us?" Asks Sweetiebell.
Longhorn: "How to flip a penny! On a wall! What are you? Stupid?!" Shouts the Professor.
...
Mrs. Bitters sneers at the class. "In conclusion, all your efforts are pointless as were all doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doo-
Pipsqueak raises his hand. "Uh, miss Bitters? Don't you think your exaggerating a bit? I mean-
"DON'T TALK BACK TO ME! to the underground school for you!" Shouts Bitters
She presses a button and the school watches in horror as the Colt falls into a trapdoor that is immediately enveloped in flames.
...
"Uh, Principal Lewis?...the fumes from these chemicals are making my nose bleed." Explains a woozy Applebloom
"Shut it! I need thirty grams of meth by tonight or your all in permanent detention!" Shouts the overweight, African American Principal.
"Uh sir?" Sweetiebell holds up hamster to him. "I think the class pet hamster is sick-
"THINK FAST!" Lewis smacks the hamster out of her hands and laughs.
Sweetie bell looked down at the now probably dead pet sorrowfully "My hamster..." She says tearfully.
...
Mr. Moe takes a puff from his cigar. "So here's the 4-1-1 kids. Say some gangster is dissing your fly girl, just give him one of these- (dose some battle break dancing) -
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
-Before pulling out a gun and shooting over the classes heads as they screamed...
...
The teacher named Mr. Pennywise... was dressed as a clown. "Would you like a balloon little pony?"
...
While the pony students were have a nightmare...the Pony Teachers...well...
"Hey! My name is Cutsey Wutsey! I'll be your teacher! I hope we'll all be the best of friends soon enough!" Shouts the multi-colored and happy pony...
The angry and warped human teens just glared at her while they tattooed each other and played knife games with their fingers...
...5 minutes later...
Cutsey Wustey, now half-shaved, covered in bubblegum, and spray painted with 'Your my B*** now!' sobbed in a concerned Celestia's lap. "WHY!? WHY!? I WAS JUST TRYING TO TEACH THEM!...MAYBE MAKE NEW FRIENDS!" She continues to sob hysterically as Celestia comforts her.
"Unbelievable...I knew there would be obstacle...but for almost all the pony teachers to quit!? And the pony students to threaten to boycott?! BEFORE THE FIRST DAY IS HALF OVER?!"
She shakes her head as she glares at the human teachers, "Ok, all of you out."
"What?" Exclaimed Lewis. "You can't do that! This is all entirely volent...
Celestia's mane lights up like a bonfire as the sun goes eclipse without the moon going in front of it.
"The human children I tolerate, because they had dullards like you teaching them, so it can be understood. Now however seeing as the poor ponies that volunteered are clearly not fit to, I am instituting a screening process to find those more suitable for the task. And seeing as the system was set up to operate the same for both sides, that means the same for you." Stated Celestia
Bitters snarled, "All your doing is staving off the inevitable disappointment of...
Her tirade Gets interrupted as she's sucked into a stone gargoyle being held by Dipper, her face appearing on it. Wendy and his Mane six friends are standing behind him holding various ritual items.
Wendy looks at the journal, holding it open on a page with Miss Bitters on it: "HA! I told you!"
Applejack sighed as she forked over 15 bits...
Celestia blinked at this, "What just- No, worry about that later."
"Now...kindly leave the premises..." Celestia politely affirms again.
Lassen sneers "Or what? You'll banish us to the sun?"
Celestia smirked. "No, Mr Pines has agreed to become principal otherwise. His lessons though frowned upon, are still teaching our youth actual life skills."
The teachers promptly trampled each other to leave first...
"HA! I'm being complimented AND used as a threat! I find that the opposite of insulting!" Exclaims Stan happily.
Celestia massages her temples..."Of course you do." She turns to Wendy, "How on earth did you ever get any education with THEM around?" She asks astounded.
Wendy shrugs, "We really didn't...course it didn't help that the few Semi-competent teachers we had were enjoying their summer vacation OUTSIDE Gravity Falls before it was whisked away."
Celestia groaned... "I see."...
...
Celestia walked back and forth in front of the Mane Six, Mrs. Cheerilie, the Pines clan, Soos, Wendy, and Pacifica.
"Alright, everyone. Your the best of the best-
" -Of the limited Pool of options you had?" Finished Dipper.
Celestia frowned, not used to interruptions. But quickly tried to recompose herself, "That's not import-
"Dood, we were just hired because we weren't the worst possible choice?" Asked Soos a little hurt
Stan smirked, "Don't knock it Soos. That's how I met my second wife."
"Weren't you married 'three' times?"
Stan shrugged, "She planned to go up the ladder one slightly better guy at a time. I was just happy I wasn't the guy at the bottom."
Toby Determined hears this and sighs deeply. Celestia opens her mouth as if to ask a question...then closes it -wisely- deciding she was best kept ignorant on THAT matter.
Twilight was trying VERY hard not to squeal in excitement...she was going to be a teacher! More importantly, a teacher in magic!
Fortunately, Celestia dismissed them to their various classes before she exploded.
...
"Who wants to get baking!?" Shouts an excited Pinkie Pie, "You stupid pony. This isn't a cooking class, it's chemistry!" Heckles one random teen.
Pinkie simply takes a deep breathas she Turns to blackboard, and uses mane to rapidly start writing on it while speaking; "Flour contains the proteins - glutenin and gliadin. When water is added to flour to make dough, it allows these proteins to bond together and from a new protein called gluten. Kneading the dough intensifies these gluten bonds. After the dough is place into a heated oven, it begins to rise and grow the gluten network. This network eventually hardens during the baking process, giving the inside of a loaf of bread or similar baked good its signature structure-
Pinkie takes another deep breath.
-Leavening agents - such as yeast, baking powder and baking soda - give baked dough its pillowy lightness. Baking soda achieves this by reacting with acids in the dough to produce carbon dioxide gas, which puffs up the dough. Baking powder releases carbon dioxide twice during the entire baking process - once when it hits water and once when it reaches a certain temperature in the oven. When yeast is added to dough, it begins to feed on starches - producing sugars, alcohol and carbon dioxide as byproducts. As with baking powder and baking soda, the carbon dioxide produced by yeast causes the dough to rise."
She Puts the chalk down and the black board has somehow been joined by several other black boards. She then turns to find the dissenting student has been gagged. While Candy asks her about the 'science' behind those dodecatuple low fat chocolate brownies she made...
...
History teacher Applejack was in high spirits, she knew that her concept of 'what was important' in history was slightly skewed in favor of her favorite fruit...but come on! How was the first apple tree in Ponyville NOT important?
True...her students hadn't seemed enthusiastic about it...which is why Applejack had told her class to wait there while she want back to the bus to get dozens of her apple treats.
"Ain't nobody gonna be staying aloof with these tasty apple fritters!" Thinks Applejack happily. She goes up the hill to greet her class, "Hey class! Soup's o-
Applejack trailed off in horror...watching several people urinate on her favorite landmark will do that...
...
The perpetrators find themselves spending the next year in ER for a testicle transplant...the rest of the class(who stood by and did NOTHING!) Found themselves getting a more 'hands-on' experience with history...at least...that was the justification Applejack gave for forcing her students to work on her farm throughout their class time...
...
"huh, I thought this fashion class would be boring- I only did it since the Principal made me -but this actually pretty interesting!" Admitted Nate as Rarity showed all the human colts and tomfillies how to repair their clothes...
...
Gym Teacher Dash smirks, "Alright people! I'm going to start you off with something simple that we Pegasus fillies first learn! Cloud bucking! Now get to your clouds and hustle!" The students looked at all the knee high clouds...that was brimming with lightning.
A kid raised his hand, "Uh-
"No talk! Hustle or it's a hundred laps for everyone!" Shouted Dash...who was about to get a lesson herself in how what was 'simple' for one species...was actually quite dangerous for another...
...
Equestria Literature teacher Fluttershy puts eye drops in her eyes...after using her stare for the 12th time this hour! "I'm going to need to see the optometrist after this..." She groans...
...
Naturally Twilight's magic class had the largest following...after all, who WOULDN'T want to learn magic?
Twilight turned off the projector and turned to the class, "And now that we've finished lecture one-
The whole class looked the happiest they'd ever felt in 9 hours.
-We can move on to lecture 2!" Shouts Twilight excited...all the class could do was cry...
...
Soos- the electronics teacher -turned to the class "This is a computer. This is important if you want to understand us h*** sapiens, cause all human children between your age and my age spend roughly 90 percent of their time on it."
"What does it do?" Asked Sweetie Belle
Soos Looks at computer, then back at the student... "Basically a life support machine"...
...
"Um, Mrs. Wendy. Ah don't mean to be a sassy pants or nothin'. But ain't you s'posed ta be teaching us physical education?" Asked applebloom as Wendy had taken them to a teen party instead of class.
Wendy just shrugs and then calls out to students attending the 'hang out with her friend and do dumb teen stuff' party. "Is anyone here not able to run ten laps around the school?"
Snips raises his hoof, then nudges snails to do the same.
"Go run ten laps around the school." Orders Wendy
They both groan but go back to the school -they aren't that far away- to run laps.
Wendy smirks, "The rest of you, let me show you how make Thompson chug this entire family can of chilli beans and weenies."
Thompson groans, "Aww, again?! Oh come on Wendy, I just did that yesterday. The doctor said I can't get my stomach pumped again until next Friday"!
"Thompsons! Thompson! Thompson." Shouts Teens
"C'mon kids. It's easy." Explains Wendy
fillies and colts just look to each other and shrug. "Thompson! Thompson! Thompson!" They shout with the teens
...
"Bad guys, even ones from were I'm from expect you to try and fight them one on one. They don't expect you to fight like them. A dirty trick might seem dishonest and cowardly. But at least you'll be an 'alive' dishonest coward." Explained Dipper to his self-defense class...
...
Stan the economic teacher turns to the class, "Now remember kid's, lesson number one is "as long as you don't break the law, you can bend and stretch it like it's taffy."
"but won't breaking the law get us put in jail?" Asked Silver Spoon
Stan chuckles, "Not if you adhere to the letter of the law and not the spirit. Loopholes kid, loopholes! Any success on businessman needs to be at least a little bit of a lawyer and see the cracks between the law..."
...
"Hey come on guys! Where you going! Come back!" Shouts Art and Crafts teacher Mable...who is learning the hard way that he lessons are considered pointless since most ponies have at least a basic understanding of them...or the ponies are just disappointed that her lessons are just stuff they do in school anyway.
Diamond Tiara scoffed as she brought up her phone, "Any lame brain can stick pasta together. But why waste our time doing that when I can prove how much better I am than the blank flanks by getting more followers on braysbook than all of them combined?"
Applebloom frowned, "I can't believe I'm saying this...but I -sorta- agree with Diamond Tiara...we learned this sort of t stuff when we were in pre-school for crying out loud!" She shouts as she and the rest of the class leave the room...and leaves Mable to sulk...
...
Politics teacher Pacifica turns to her class: "If you have money, your better than everyone who doesn't."
Diamond Tiara puts her cheeks in her hooves and looks up to Pacifica with idolization: "Please Ms Northwest. Tell me how me being rich makes me better than every pony else." she pleaded in awe.
Scotaloo whispers to her fellow crusaders: "Wow, that's a first. The new teacher got Diamond Tiara to listen to the first thing she said."...
...
TO BE CONTINUED?
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?
Love me, flame me, review me