Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 16
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
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ANNOUNCEMENT!
I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!
SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!
The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publishing company. It's also now available at Amazon and BarnesandNoble
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AN: this chapter was collaborated with wolvenstrom
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(1)Gravity Falls doesn't have an anthem.
We thought we had one, But we don't.
We paid a short guy to write it, But we never saw him again.
The tune we stole from the French. There's a few things they do well.
Like making love, wine, and cheese Like Roquefort, Camembert and Bries.
Gravity Falls, We're gonna to die! Gravity Falls, were scared, goodbye!
All the assembled ponies at the event could only gape in horrified disbelief as their human neighbors once again recited their...'unique'...anthem.
"...That was the WORST thing I've ever heard...and not just from anthems." Said Princess Luna finally after a long, stunned silence. Princesses Celestia shrugged. "It's still better than the YakYakistanian anthem. It's just them saying 'Yak' for three hours straight."
Celestia then got up on the platform, "To human and pony alike! I welcome you to this reenactment of the battle of Gravity Falls! A battle fought by the north, south and...east?"
She looks over to Pacifica- the designated Northwest representative -confused, She sighs, "It was a whole...bookkeeping snafu concocted by my great grandfather...long story. I'll explain later."
Although confused, Celestia takes this on faith and turns back to the crowd. "Right...in any case the site of the actual battle took place over there...where that man is standing..."
She points to the middle of an open field where a disgruntled man is glaring at them. ...While an exasperated Twilight stands next to him, "Please move." She asks(again) nicely. "No."
Celestia just shook her head in disbelief and continued. "...But he won't move so we have to do it here-
"THE EAST WILL RISE AGAIN!" Interrupts said man.
Luna groans, "Yes...you've made your viewpoint very clear...the first fifty times you screamed it." She said clearly annoyed.
Twilight flipped through the official 'Battle of Gravity Falls' pamphlet, before turning to Dipper. "Uh...Dipper? This pamphlet vaguely implies that this 'battle' was part of a bigger conflict called the...'Civil war?'...what is that?" She asked confused.
Dipper groaned, "I told those idiots not to do this!" Quickly, he turned to his best friend to respond "Uh...you know what? I'm going to have to get back to you on that." He said evasively. Twilight happily accepts that, as this simply meant more studying for her...YAY!
Dipper happily wipes the sweat of his brow of yet another bullet well-dodged...Unaware of a certain green unicorns stare...
Meanwhile, Pacifca sighed, she hoped this event went better then pioneer day...THAT was a mess.
...many weeks ago...
Pacifica and Diamond Tiara...having secretly followed Dipper and the mane six down below and watch them discover the resting place of Quentin Trembly, they leave Applejack and Twilight to hold the fort.
Diamond Tiara whispers to Pacifica, "Okay...how about I distract them...while you burn the evidence?"
Pacifica sighed, "Were not going to destroy the evidence."
Diamond Tiara looked at her surprised, "Wha...but this could damage your families reputation!"
Pacifica sighed, "Sweetie, even if we could trick or overpower two of the most powerful mares in Equestria- which I doubt -Well...sweetie, think...what would happen we did destroy the evidence?"
"We win!" Exclaims the little pink filly excitedly.
Pacifica facelpalmed, but tried to stay patient with her inexperienced apprentice. "No sweetie, we've talked about this. REALLY think, what would be the immediate consequence of us destroying the evidence- even if we weren't caught?"
Diamond Tiara groaned, she HATED this 'overthinking' thing that humans tended to do...why couldn't she just ridicule blank-flanks to their faces? It was simple and easy...and yet, she can't deny that doing it Big sis's way made her feel more...grown up...which was...she wanted to say...'interesting'?
Also, if she answered this right she'd get treats and petted! YAY!
Diamond Tiara thought really hard, "Uh...I guess...Mr. Dipper and the mane 6 would be annoyed?"
Pacifica nodded, "Go on..."
Diamond thought some more, "And...they might moan and complain...but who will believe them?" She snorts dismissively.
Pacifica glared, "You mean who would believe the 7 who saved Equestria and have become respected members of Equestrian society...AND have Princess Celestia's ear?" She asked pointedly.
Diamond's looked her confused...then her eyes, went wide...and winched, "Oooooohhhh." She said in pained realization of what a stupid mistake she'd almost made.
Pacifca nodded, "Yep, in a different universe where Dipper is just the local nobody/conspiracy nut that MIGHT fly...but this ain't that universe. In this world, he has influence, power, and respect. If the evidence gets 'lost' I guarantee he'll be believed...and who do you think everyone will blame? Who has the most to gain from such evidence getting lost?"
Again, Diamond Tiara went into deep thought..."You?" She guessed uncertain.
Pacifica nods, "Very good."
Tiara smiles...then frowns confused... "Wait, then where dose that leave us?"
Pacifca whips out her phone to make a few calls, "New lesson Sweetie...it's called 'damage control.'..."
...
"And that is how my ancestor Nathaniel Northwest, a simple waste management engineer... Let his patriotic zeal get the better of him and nobly risked his honor and life to protect our countries dignity and saved the good people of Gravity Falls by usurping Quentin Trembly before his insanity could fester. A flawed man to be sure, but an American hero who worked his way up from the gutters regardless." Announced Pacifca at the grand opening of the Northwest 'American secrets REVEALED museum'. Displaying all the items and 'secrets' found in Quentin Trembly's cave.
"Well, I'll be! Benjamin was a woman! Girl power!" Shouts Wendy...
Naturally, Diamond just kept staring at Pacifica in awe...
...
Frankly, Celestia was glad for this 'distraction'...it took her mind off the mess that the whole well-to-do construction Co./Deer kingdom incident had become...or WOULD'VE become.
"I can't believe King Aspen was planning on attacking all of Equestria...but leave the one behind the aggregation alone? How dose that make any sense?!" She'd kept this information secret, less the deer get more trouble trying to find a new home...
Although horrible at first, it turns out the tree hadn't eaten the adults...but simply permanently ate their all magics and most of their memories before spitting them back out alive and healthy...as far as king aspen was concerned...he was a five year old boy again...
...which didn't not make thing easier for his son Brambles...poor foal...forced to take the throne at such a young age...his kingdom overtaken by hostile plants that still attacked if you came too close so he and his people are now forced to live in Ponyville...no guidance of his elders...the knowledge of his people now gone forever, apparently destroyed by the forests ravenous appetite...he'd basically have to rebuild his kingdom, his culture from scratch...
True, Dipper had tried to make him feel better by introducing him to a bunch of videogames marked 'oddworld' and 'tak and the power of juju'...it seemed to be distracting the poor deer children for the moment...but Celestia wished she could do more...
In any case an investigation showed that a disgruntled deer had given the construction crew a 'we surrender' gift of drinks...that were actually filled with a powerful paralytic...it seemed that the poor deer just wanted them out of the way long enough for them to retake the groove...he didn't count that Well-to-do would skimp money on getting his gas pipes fixed...or that one of his men would light a match to get ride of the smell of his...'leavings'. It started as a small fire that could've been easily put out quickly before getting out of hand...if everyone hadn't already succumbed to the paralytic..
As for why the trees acted up...a security camera saw one of Well-to-do's vile henchmen making a poor attempt of being 'inconspicuous' as he bought a dead Arnuki Beast from the red light district of Gravity Falls...the same dead arnuki beast that was found in a ritual circle traced back to what had caused the Gravity Fallsl forest to consume the deers kingdom...the ritual...clearly intended to kill...had(thankfully) been horribly botched, bad ruin-work, faulty candles, he hadn't even gotten the constellations alignment right! The fool had even left a footprint trail of his distinctive minitour custom manehatan silk loafers back to the construction site!
All in all it looked like two amateur jobs that had naturally caused a lot of needless death and destruction...
She shook her head of such dire thoughts as she turned her attention instead to the most humorous 'Pre-reneactment/community service' entertainment...featuring DJ Pon-3 having a rap-battle with earth unicorn Celestabellebethabelle...where the later was getting a much needed verbal smackdown.
...when it was first learned that their were unicorns in the GF woods, Celestia was very excited to establish contact with them...this excitement quickly shrived up when she saw they were just conceited jerks...fortunately, there weren't that many of them and were very isolated so she didn't have to deal with them...at least...not until they- like all the other creatures in the GF forest seemed to be doing -left their homes and wandered into the town...
...a few days ago...
Mable sobbed, "I...I'm not pure of heart?" Celestabellebethabelle sitting at her 'heart-reading' booth at the party nodded, "You've no one but to blame but yourself...now that'll be fifty bits..."
"HEY! I didn't authorize you to do this for my party!" Shouted an annoyed Pinkie Pie as she trotted over.
"Goodbye ladies." Said Celestabellebethabelle as she tried to toss a smoke bomb to cover her escape-
CRASH!
Only to thwarted by a flash of pink, "You made someone CRY at one of my parties...worse, you made a FRIEND of mine cry." Pinkie GLARED. "Your not going anywhere..."
Celestabellebethabelle gulped...
...
While everyone laughed at the jerks misfortune. The Pegasus did their weather patrol above, "Hey where's Rainbow Dash?" Asks Weather Front as she bucks a cloud. Cross Draft shrugs as she flies beside her, "She took the day off, said she had 'personal business, or something...whatever we can do this without her there's barely a cloud in the...sky." She paled as she trailed off...a BIG dark cloud had just popped over the GF forest.
The Pegasus squealed in terror, these clouds were WORSE then the Everfree one's! As unpredictable and hard to control as they were, you could at least count on them to stay (mostly) in their forest! But these GF forest clouds...they just sprung out into the world like their life depended on it!
"EVERYONE RUN FOR COVER! STORM COMING!" They shouted.
The festivities immediately dispersed as the ponies ran for cover...Twilight tried to put a newspaper over her head to keep her dry while she looked for cover-
SHIRK!
...only for said paper to be ripped apart by a razor sharp projectile that fell from the heavens...and came within inches of Twilight's startled face...and that's how ponies were introduced to 'Razor hail'...
They all screamed as they frantically took cover from ...whatever the buck was happening...gazebos, cars, booths, trees...all ripped apart by the hail...
Twilight whimperd as she used her magic shield to keep it off...until a shadow came over her...she looked up and saw Dipper holding up an umbrella over her head...an umbrella...that completely deflected the hail?
Dipper gave her an apologetic look, "Wow...I am sorry about this...among everything else I'm doing, the razor hail literally slipped my mind..."
Twilight looked at him in disbelief, "Wha...giant blades of ice falling from the sky, SLIPPED YOUR MIND!? How in the name of Equestria dose that slip your mind!?"
Dipper shrugged, "I dunno...I guess I'm just used to it...for humans...this is the equivalent of gum getting stuck to your shoe...it's annoying but you shrug it off and move on with your day."
An even more incredulous Twilight begins to look around and realized Dipper was right. Only the PONIES were panicking...the humans...if anything they looked BORED- Honest to Celestia, BORED! -They were already under their large homemade razor-proof umbrellas- Which they never leave home without -and were going around calming the ponies and coaxing them to come under said umbrellas so they can get to safety.
"That's it... come with us...your doing great." Said Nate and Lee soothingly as they helped the ever frightful Lyra and Bon Bon along...
Although Filled with stunned disbelief over what she was witnessing... she nevertheless walked along with Dipper, safely through the storm...Twilight found herself walking beside an equally confused Celestia and Luna as Pacfica's butler held up an Extra large umbrella to keep them all safe.
Dipper handed Celestia a card, "Here's our best house repair guy...your gonna need him." He gestures to all the pony houses getting smashed up...while the human houses are shockingly in (mostly) good order.
Celestia just stared in disbelief, "How were you prepared for such calamity?" She asked baffled.
Despite the situation, Pacifica can't help but chuckle. "With all due respect your majesty... This isn't a calamity, this is TUESDAY. Wait, till lightning rain season shows up. Now that's a calamity!"
"I...Lightning rain?" Asked a now very pale Celestia.
While the three unicorns contemplated how much their future was about to get very 'busy'...Dipper looked around thoughtful. "Huh, I wonder where Rainbow Dash is. She'd love a challenge like this..."
...
-And that's it Zecora...I'm having all these strange...'feelings' toward Dipper that I've never had for anyone before...so I obviously must be sick, worse it's making me act like a huge dope around him!" Explained the young Mare to the zebra healer.
Zecora TRIED not to laugh amused, she REALLY did... "Ha ha! Sickness you indeed have, but these symptoms are just the start. It's a deep affliction that effects your heart."
Rainbow frowns at that, "Huh, a sickness of the heart...that sounds serious...is there a cure you can give me?"
Zecora rolls her eyes at the mare's obliviousness, "No cure can I give, no treatment, herb or brew. To relieve your condition, it's done solely to you."
Rainbow nodded, "Okay...so what then? We talking an exercise routine then? Some sorta diet maybe?"
Zecora smacked her face-hoofed in disbelief, "Your heart is the source of all your pain, you must share these feelings, with who the answer is plain."
Rainbow frowned as she tried to think through what was being told to her, "Oh...so you want me to talk to Nurse Redheart then? She like an expert in this or something?"
Zecora grunted annoyed, "Your falling in LOVE! You silly filly! It's easy to see. But your mind refuses to accept that this can be!" She stated flatly.
Rainbow gaped flustered, "Wha- I just- What- NO! Your wrong! I'm not some sissy dippy damsel in distress that needs a 'stallion' to make her life complete- vomits in her mouth a bit just saying that -I'm a strong, independent mare! Thank you very much!" She storms out of the hut in a huff.
An amused Zecora can't help but shake her head...she considers going after her-
RUMBLE!
Her hut shakes as yet another quake shakes the forest...she looks over to her scales that are connected to the balance of power in the forest...and is horrified to see it thrown completely out of whack!
Forgetting everything else, Zecora runs off to inform the princesses of this impending crisis...
...
Mabel sighed as she lay on her bed...seriously rethinking her life... "This worlds unicorns are all 'grown up and mature'. 'My' worlds unicorns are jerks..." She Holds up a unicorn plushy. "What about you Princess Gumdrop kisses? What are you?"
She squeezes the middle of the plushy. "If your parents don't buy my toys. They don't love you." It responds.
Mabel glares at it darkly "I see...your a sellout...It occurs to me I've never actually made you speak..." She admits to herself sadly...
...Later...
After Mable goes off to play with Pinkie Pie Stan complains about the shack being too cold, and tells Soos to check the furnace.
Soos Takes a look in the furnace...and finds it's full of melted plastic and burning pony plushies. "Suuriiess thwo availllableeee sooon at a stoooreee neeaaar yyyyoooouuuuuuuuuuu." Squeaks Princess Gumdrop Kisses melting voicebox...
Soos stares into the furnace with a blank expression, "Huh. Y'know, that might have something to do with it..."
...
Wanting to get her mind off her visit to Zecora, Rainbow Dash was indulging in her newest favorite sport...cloud surfing in her rainbow trunks. "Stupid Zecora...what dose she know? Dipper's just my friend! Sure, okay. He's pretty much the only REAL guy friend I have, and sure he invented and then introduced to me my two new favorite passions: Cloud surfing and Broomless Quiditch...just to make me happy...and he's smart...not in an overbearing egghead way like Twilight...but more of a real solid...'down to earth' kind of way...and I know I can always rely on him...he thinks I'm more awesome then even I do!...which kinda makes me want to BE better just so i don't disappoint him...and the way he smiles..."
"RAINBOW! LOOK OUT!" A blushing Rainbow, having gotten lost in her thoughts, paid attention to her surroundings at the command of the familiar voice just in time-
CRASH!
GAH!
-To wipe out on a billboard...Rainbow screamed as she cartwheeled through the air, desperately trying to regain her equilibrium with her wings...but she was falling too fast!
ZOOM!
"Got yah!" Shouted that familiar voice again, and suddenly Rainbow Dash found herself in a familiar...and comforting set of arms...a blushing Rainbow Dash realized she was now in Dipper's arms bridal style.
...said blush became even more prominent when she saw her rainbow trunks had been ripped off mid-fall on a nearby branch, "GAH! Don't Look at me!" Shouts Rainbow as she instinctively jumped down and frantically covered her groin from Dipper's sight humiliated.
Dipper just gave her a weird look and chuckled. "Uh...Dash? Your a PONY. Remember?" He points out.
Suddenly feeling VERY foolish- she was suddenly more 'red' then rainbow right now -she uncovered herself and got back on all fours, she chuckled in nervous mortification, "Heh...I knew that...just messing with yah- well-thanks-for-the-save-gotta-go-bye!" Shouts Dash as she tries to fly off quickly before she makes an even bigger fool of herself-
BAM!
-A plan immediately thwarted by her running head-first into a wall. "DASH! Are you- "I'm fine! Don't worry Dipper! Me good! Bye!" Interrupts Dash as she runs again, she frantically shakes her head and slaps her own face multiple times. "Get a hold of yourself girl! Your not some klutzy debutante who stays awake all night thinking about a guy! Your a strong, independent mare!"
...later that night...
Rainbow Dash stared up at the ceiling from her bed...sleep refusing to come. "I bucking HATE my life." Said a cross and annoyed mare...
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TO BE CONTINUED?
AN:(1) the above is a parody of 'Springfield's anthem' from the Simpsons Movie
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?
Love me, flame me, review me