Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 17
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
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ANNOUNCEMENT!
I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!
SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!
The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.
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AN: this chapter was collaborated with wolvenstrom
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While a Rainbow-maned Pegasus contemplated the new reality she'd been thrown in...on a certain farm elsewhere...a small, cloaked figure climbed down a rope made of sheets. She then quickly scuttled off the property...and avoided Luna's moon as she suck through Ponyville...and went right for the Gravity Falls Red-light district.
The little one knocked on a door, a man in a lab coat and a paper bag over his head peeked through the door. "Password?" "The lone Sparrow is ripe for the plucking." Responded the little filly.
The man nods, he gives her the bag in exchange for the bits. "The Black Hat organization thanks you for your continued patronage." He says cordially.
Applebloom nods and eats the first burger...and moaned in pleasure. "How can something so bad, tastes so good?" She said out-loud as she walked away...while another cloaked pony walked forward.
"Password?" "See with eyes unclouded by hate." The man nodded, "Here's your sex doll mam."
"SHHHH! Keep it down! And it's not like that! I'm just doing it for RESEARCH!" Insisted a flustered Lyra.
Dr. Flug rolled his eyes as he took his bits, "Riiiight, whatever you say miss."
As she leaves, Flug smiles at the LARGE que of cloaked ponies coming to his door... "Right as always boss...right as always..."
...
The next day Rainbow Dash- desperate for ANYTHING to get his mind off...'stuff -goes to play a relaxing game of throwing horse shoes with Applejack...
"Wow, Rainbow, heh. You couldn't hit a barn door with that kind of a throw!" Teased Applejack.
Rainbow growled, "Yeah, yeah. I still have the closest throw, Applesmack. Just try and beat it."
Applejack nods as she steps forward, truth be told. She was rather glad for this distraction...things were...tense between her and Twilight right now. It was pretty clear that Twilight did NOT agree with how they were handling the whole Mable/Dipper situation...which frankly offended her a bit. She was the expert in the group when it came to family matter's! Everyone else was more or less living on their own! Not only did she live with her family but she kept in constant contact with all her other kin! ...unlike everyone else!
...still, Twilight hadn't gone against her on this- even if she REALLY wanted to -...so she held her tongue on it. Besides, Twilight would soon see that she was right after all...and then things would be great between them again!
As if to emphasis her point, she hit the winning goal with the shoe! "Yee-haw! It's a ringer. That's how you do it down here on the farm." Shouts Applejack triumphantly.
Dashie was speechless, "...I lost."
Applejack put a 'comforting' hoof on her shoulder, "Ah, don't feel bad, Rainbow. It's all in good fun."
Dashie growled, "I hate losing."
Applejack just smirked. "Besides, you're a mighty good athlete. I'm just better. Heh heh heh."
In another universe, this would've escalated into yet another 'slice-of-life, sit-com contest'-
BOOM!
Thankfully, this was NOT that universe
Applejack turned around just in time to see a large group of giant, hairy, man-beasts storm onto her property and began to wreck the place!
"What in tarnation?"
"WOO-PARTY DOWN BRO'S" Shouted one Manitour as he ripped out a tree to use as a backscratch.
"HEY! PUT THAT DOWN!" Shouts Applejack annoyed, and the Manitour dose-
CRUNCH!
-Right on several other trees that snap in two.
"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" Shouts many more Manitour as they encourage their fellows to tear out the cider from the barn and gleefully chug it down.
"Now hold on there whippersnappers! You gotta pay for that!" Shouts Granny Smith, they respond by dumping a vat of cider on her...
Applejack, Rainbow and big Mac huff out steam. "THAT TEARS IT!" They scream as they charge forward.
...later...
"My word Dipper! Thank you! I've seen hairstyles in Canterlot not even half as good as this!" Shouts Rarity as she admires the haircut Dipper had given her.
Dipper smirked, "What can I say? I'm a guy of many talents." Suddenly his phone rang. "Hello?"
"MR. DIPPER! COME QUICK! A BUNCH OF MANITOUR ARE TEARING APART OUR PROPERTY AND- HEY! STAY OUT OF OUR MEDICINE CABINET! -My sister, Big Mac and Rainbow Dash are fighting them but- BOOM! (click)...
"Applebloom? APPLEBLOOM!?" Shouts Dipper...but the line was dead.
Dipper gets a dark look on his face, "Rarity...call the others. Applebloom and Applejack is in trouble..."
Before Rarity can respond...he's already gone...
...
Dipper was running down the road, "Okay, seriously. What is going on lately? from all my research, the supernatural animals- save for rare occasions -never leave their territories in the forest! Especially not the Manitour! Could it...could it just be because of me bringing them to a new world? ...but that can't be right! One of the first things I did coming here was check how compatible the GF forest was to the rest of the world! all the tests came up positive! ...okay...so not Equestria...not the forest itsself...where dose that leave-
BOOM!
Dipper was forced to break away from his thoughts to dodge a falling log- "HA! We've won! We demand your livestock for consumption!" Shouted a Manitour!
"Taint happnin, ya ornary galloot!" Shouted the unmistakable howler of Granny Smith-
BOOM!
Followed by the unmistakable sound of her outbucking someone-
CRACK! GAH! MY HIP!
...followed naturally by the even more unmistakable sound of her hip giving out...again.
Dipper comes onto the farm just in time to see Leaderaur watch Granny Smith kick that boulder into the horizon much further than him "I HAVE BEEN EMASCULATED BY A TINY HORSE! I MUST NOW GO JUMP INTO THE PAIN CAVERN TO REGAIN MY MANHOOD!" He then runs off in shame...
Dipper turns to Chutzpar- the more rationale one of the group(which REALLY wasn't saying much), "Pain cavern?" He asks
Chutzpar shrugs, "It's like the pain hole, except a hundred manotaurs deep, and big enough for a manotaur to jump into."
Dipper quirks an eyebrow, "How do you get out?" "Painfully."
Dipper gestured to all the Manitour about, "Dare I ask what this is all about?" Chutzpar shrugs, "We need a new crib, this seemed a good a spot as any, we mocked the girly ponies and they wagered the farm in a man-off!"
Dipper groaned as she slapped his forehead, "Of course they did...heaven forbid they wait for me or the princesses to come and either bargain or force them out- No, they have to do a stupid cliche!"
Dipper knew he was being a bit unfair...under different circumstances he could easily see himself do something equally as stupid to prove his 'masculinity'. Thankfully, whatever universe that WOULD'VE happened, isn't this one.
Chutzpar saw Dipper's snarl and chuckled, "Relax Destructor, we've already lost fair and square...also the pink one has greatly incapacitated us-
"HI!" Shouts Pinkie Pie popping out of nowhere near dozens of groaning manitour who tried to play ROSHAMBO against her...and ended up kicking each other in the balls to prove their 'manliness'...
Dipper sighed, "Well that's good to hea- Wait, if they won. Why aren't they here?" He looks around and Applejack and Rainbow Dash are nowhere around...
Chutzpar chuckled, "They...I think they forgot they were fighting against US, and started to compete with each other-
Dipper face-palmed, "Oh, girls, girls, girls..." He chastised outloud in disbelief.
Chutzpar chuckled, "Yeah, it was crazy! Everyone else got terminated from the competition hours ago! But they still kept the competition on! Man-law decrees their both our new chiefs now! We told them we'd happily call it a draw since their both awesome...but they wouldn't go for it. Their having a final 'winner-take-all-challenge' as we speak."
Dipper sighed, "Alright, where's the multi-bear this time?" It wouldn't be too horrible a day at least, he'd get to hang with the multi-bear a bit after he got done 'talking' with the girls, maybe even listen to BABBA-
"Wha- Oh, right forgot to tell you! After you helped us make peace with the Multi-bear we stopped using him as a final challenge, now we use a lava monster!"
Dipper looked at him baffled/horrified... "WHAT!?"
...later...
The first thing Apple jack was aware of was that she was on her back, and her head pounding and swimming...she tried to make sense of what happened...
It had been a simple plan...she and Rainbow Dash would charge in, buck the monster until it yields, and the one that got the final blow would be the winner...
...They never even got to the monster. In fairness to them 'Convection' has never really been a problem for ponies before, between how much stronger they are then humans, their natural magic boosting their endurance, plus the natural harmony magic of Equestria making things a bit more 'kid-friendly'.
But the more 'realistic' lava in the middle of the darker and edgier GF forest? Between the intense heat and poisonous gas...they were already falling down and losing consciousness by the time they tried to skip across the first rock path across the lava!
"Am I...am I in...am I in..." It only now occurs to Applejack that she didn't know what happened after she died. She- like most ponies -simply didn't care, talk, mention, or even think about such things...life was so good, why ever think of such unpleasantness?
In any case...she seemed to be on her back...and something...something...on her mouth? Her eyes opened up...right as Dippers face pressing his mouth against her!"
"Wha- WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YOU DOING DIPPER!?" Shouts a flustered Applejack inside her head...which causes yet another dizzy spell. Usually, she'd buck first and ask questions later...but her body was too sore and dehydrated to move. Dipper then stops and presses down on her chest...then puts his lips to her again.
"Oh...he's giving me CPR...not giving me my first kiss...that...that makes more sense...although...in a way...still...kinda nice..."
She thinks in a haze...
...
Finally, both Rainbow Dash and Applejack were semi-okay, patched up and re-hydrated. "You guys, feeling better?" Asked Dipper. The two mare's were trying to keep his eyes off him...he was currently wearing nothing but a loincloth, his clothes apparently having been singed off during his rescuing them from the volcano...This and him having just given them CPR was making them...flustered.
Dipper sighed as he saw this, "Relax guys. Your hormones are just being affected by the harmonious magic of Equestria. It's all good." "Say what now?" They both asked at once.
And Dipper explains how he'd noticed a rising trend of more and more pony/human couples shacking up. Dipper personally has nothing against it in principle...but still, for such a large number of inter-species relationships to occur in such a short time-frame between two radically different species...something just seemed off to him.
After some experimentation, he realized that the magic of Equestria- it's main purpose overall to 'make friends' -had been having difficulty having humans and pony's make strong bonds due to how radically different their mindsets and magics are...so it had been forced to take the path of least resistance...which for some reason was 'libido'.
Which for humans wasn't too bad(their used to it)...but for ponies...well, all their lives they'd been (mostly) sexually dead...basically- especial among the young pony teens - they were going through (from their perspective) the equivalent of 5 puberty's, ten Woodstocks, and one Andy Dick Christmas party...with no field of reference or help from elders(as this has never happened in Equestria before), the bashful ponies were forced to get tips of their 'sexual awakening' from said humans...which, with them becoming just as randy...well, you can guess what happens next...
Applejack let's out a sigh of relief, "Of course! Magically induced hormones! That's what all that was earlier! Of course I'm not REALLY attracted to my best friend, sure that...kiss...was great...and...maybe wouldn't mind his lips moving down elsewher- OKAY, THINKING NEW TOPIC NOW! UNSEXY THOUGHTS! BIG MAC'S REAR! GRANNY SMITH'S SPONGE BATH! RARITY COMING OUT OF THE SHOWER!"
"UNSEXY THOUGHTS! TWILIGHT'S PLOT-HOLE! PINKIE'S SMILE! APPLEJACK'S DIMPLES!" Thinks Dashie in a similar vein.
Oblivious to the internal conflict his two mare friends were going through, he asks again: "You guys doing alright?"
Getting their heads together both mare's nod, "Still a bit sore...but I think we'll be fine." Assures Applejack.
Dipper nodded, "Good, in that case do you mind explaining to me WHAT THE BLOOD WHERE YOU THINKING NEARLY GETTING YOURSELF KILLED LIKE THIS YOU MORONS!?"
Both Mare's winched under Dipper's hurtful words. They were STILL getting used to that part of Dipper's personality...BRUTAL honesty was in short supply in Equestria before Dipper showed up...especially amongst friends. Sure, Applejack tried to be as honest as possible with people...but never to the point where she's practically smacking them upside the head...no matter how much they might've deserved it...
"Seriously, guys if you'd just called us sooner...Celestia or me or any of your other friends- We could'a helped you!"
Applejack snorted, "I don't need help-
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Shouts Dipper as he wipes out a now VERY familiar tape recorder and let's it play-
(Recording 1-4)
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, good, you're okay. Now Applejack, I completely respect the Apple family ways. You're always there to help anypony in need, so maybe you can put a little of your stubborn pride aside and allow your friends to help you.
Applejack: Okay, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: I am not taking "no" for an answer-what?
Applejack: Yes, Twilight. Yes, please. I could really use your help.
Twilight Sparkle: [chuckles] [sigh]
Applejack was already flustered when the recorder came out...hearing HER voice reminding her about a lesson to 'not be stubborn and let your friends help you'...that she ALREADY learned...for the FIFTH time.
Quick backstory: Turns out Dipper- among other quirks -recorded EVERYTHING 24/7...at first this was with the intent just to analyze enemy conversations or record tricked confessions...but now it was mainly being used to remind them of their friendship lessons...which they seemed to keep forgetting...a LOT.
...flashback...
"Wait. Why do you need to record your every waking moment?" Asked Twilight the first time he wiped it out
"Because you never know when you could be dragged into some crazy adventure or sobering truths. So I have to keep them rolling 24/7 just in case I learn any life lessons I don't want to forget" Explained Dipper.
"How do you 'forget' a life lesson?"
"I don't know. How does Fluttershy keep having to learn not to let people walk all over her?" He retorted...to which she had no reply...
...
Before the look of shame and embarrassment on her face could fade, Dipper wiped out another recording. "And before we get into how you two let your competitive spirit out of control- AGAIN-
(recording 1-13)
Applejack: I'm sorry you had to see us being such poor sports, Princess.
Princess Celestia: That's all right, Applejack. Anypony can get swept up in the excitement of competition.
Twilight Sparkle: It's important to remember that the friendship is always more important than the competition.
Now BOTH mares were embarrassed. Dipper groaned, "Guy's seriously, this is getting embarrassing. I'm RECORDING people 24/7. Let's be honest, this SHOULD have been a weird, crazy quirk you guys would 'intervene' to have me stop! To have it JUSTIFIED over and over again...that's just...it's embarrassing...to you, and to me just for being FRIENDS with you." He said plainly.
The two shame-faced mares could only nod in agreement.
Dipper turned to Applejack, "Applejack, do you realize that you got so busy with fighting Rainbow Dash- sure, it worked out -but what if your competing with her sunk your chances in the competition? You, your family and Applebloom would be homeless! Not to mention how stupid betting your farm just for the sake of your pride was in the first place!"
He then turns to Dashie, and Rainbow "And Rainbow, How would you have lived with yourself if your 'need to be the best' ruined Applejack's chances and led to her losing the farm. Would it really have been worth it?"
Both mares were in tears and hanging their heads in shame now, they may not like Dipper's attitude...but neither could deny that he only gave it when they had it coming.
After they apologized to him, they then walked back to the farm to apologize to the rest of the Apple clan. Their friends and Wendy were already there.
"(Giggle) gee, too much cloth and not a lot of loin. Huh Dipper?" She teased playfully.
Dipper immediately resolved to find clothes quickly.
A flustered Fluttershy offers to find some...but fails... An even more flustered Twilight eyes her suspiciously. She then volunteers herself to look for clothes... and finds some immediately.
Rainbow then surprises everyone by forfeiting and giving the chiefdom over to Applejack, claiming that with this much MANpower she'll never have another bad 'applebuck' season.
"Besides, now it's impossible for you to forget the 'okay to ask for help' lesson...at least...I hope it is...kinda getting worried about this to be honest. It's starting to seem like a serious problem." Admits Dashie.
With that worrying thought planted in their heads, the girls stay to finalize talks with the manitour while a now dressed Dipper goes to take the two exhausted mares out for food at a diner...they bump into his family there who join them.
Things were going well...until Dipper casually wonders out loud if he could beat the manliness tester and win the girls free pancakes.
As if a 'fixed point in time', his family ridicule him right on que.
Now in a different universe...ah, whatever! You know the drill by now! In any case Dipper completely ignores them, shrugs it off without a care or comment and goes back to eating-
SHUT THE BUCK UP!
-The two mares who Dipper just saved from burning to death on the other hand...
The two Pines found themselves falling out of their chairs from the sheer intensity of the glares from the two ticked of mares.
Rainbow Dash glares at Mable. "How many times has Dipper protected, stood up, or covered for you!? And if that's not manly enough to you, then buck you! Grow up already!"
Applejack nods then glares at Stan, "And you don't exactly have a leg to stand on criticizing Dipper's music as 'girly' Mr. 'Black and White Period Piece Old Lady Boring Movie Channel.'"
Stan paled, "Whoa! Whoa! Keep that to yourself!" He said quietly as he hastily looked around to make sure no one heard. He then glares back at Applejack. "And your experience is what? Your big brother is literally built like a draft horse and can uproot trees with his teeth."
"Under the effects of a love poison I gave to him in experiment. Why does everyone always forget that?" Asks Twilight as she and Rarity suddenly come onto the scene.
Applejack sighed, "Ya know. Ah decided the other day ah didn't like going inta conversations with you humans blind anymore, so ave been studying a little..."
Twilight looks positively giddy over this confession. Rarity plugs her word hole to let Applejack speak.
Briefly thanking Rarity Applejack continues, "Now ah could tell you about Rockhoof, and how he tried to save his entire town from an erupting volcano by himself when he was still just a skinny little sack a bones...but something tells me you'd understand better where am going with this line of thought if ah said... 'Audie Murphy'?" Applejack asks that last bit smugly.
Stan's smile drops and starts rubbing the back of his head embarrassed...
Mabel giggles perversely, she knows who she's talking about...or so she thinks. "YAY! The badass war hero with muscles on his muscles and ten feet tall!" She gives off a lustful growl, "Wouldn't mind taking a bite of that beefcake."
"Well, there goes my appetite." Says Dipper as he pushes away his beefcake in sudden disgust.
Applejack chuckles as this scene, "Actually, contrary to what his films showed he was more like THIS." She pulls out a picture showing the famed actor was actually quite short and slight of stature.
...Mable...just gaps in astonished disbelief...
Applejack continues to glare at the two, "The size of a man...or a stallion ain't measured by size of strength, but by strength of heart. And when that's the case, why Dipper's more of a man than anyone else in your whole dang town."
Dipper then surprises everyone, by wining the flapjacks- "I may have rigged it earlier to let me win, I was going to prank my family...but this work too, thanks." -He whispered to Dashie, who hoof bumps him in respect...while trying to hide her blush as well.
Twilight comes up to Dipper. "About Audie Murphy...I looked him up to...and I keep finding mention of a 'WWII'...but nothing more specific, can you give me more details?"
Dipper paled, "Ehhhh...I'll have to get back to you on that..." Twilight frowned at this...but sighed and moved on. "In any case I have something more important to talk to you about." She pulls out some charts and graphs. "I looked into what you told me...and I think you might be on to something, I think 'something' might be tweaking Equestria's magic to affect our libido's."
Dipper nodded, "I knew it...the whole thing reeked like a bad porno-plot that you only find in poorly written smut fanfiction...though I gotta say, you've thrown yourself into this investigation with way more gusto then expected."
Twilight blushed, "Uh...I may have a- (awkward cough) -personal interest in getting to the bottom of this." She tries to keep her eyes off dipper as she says this, not trusting herself to do something to give herself away.
Before dipper can press more- Dashie plops by, "Uh...so I think I'm just going to go home...thanks for...y'know saving me and junk." She says while blushing up a storm.
Dipper, still having his attention divided between Rainbow and the charts says. "Hey thank you for sticking up for me back there, I appreciate that Dashie."
Rainbow discovers new levels of red for her blush, "Dashie?"
Dipper's eyes went wide also flustered, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean-
"No! No...it's...it's fine...you can call me... Dashie if you want." Admits Dashie...and was surprised to find herself sincere about it.
"Oh...okay...Thank you...Dashie." Says Dipper with a smaller blush on his face, he then quickly walks away with Twilight(who was now looking back at 'Dashie' bewildered) to look over her charts more.
Dashie sighs...and turns right into a smirking Applejack. "What?" She asks in as aloof a way she can muster given the circumstances.
"You HATE being called Dashie...you only let your parents call you that...and Pinkie...only because she's pinkie."
Dahie babbled, "Wha- I- It- Look it sounds better coming from him, whatever!" She snarks.
Applejack chuckles, "You like him! the high , mighty and 'macho' 'DASHIE' has a crush."
Dashie glared, "Oh, get off your high stallion! I saw you while Dipper was giving CPR! You'd woken up minutes ago and you were clearly pretending to still be out so Dipper would keep kissing you! Don't deny it! I've FOUGHT you 'buddy'! I know when your breathing is real!"
Applejack blushed, "Wha- No! It's- It's those dang hormones Dipper was talking about! I ain't no fru-fru damsel in distress that stays up all night pinning for some fellah!"
"QUE SCENE CHANGE!" Shouts a suddenly appearing Pinkie Pie.
...that night...
A now VERY insomniac Applejack stares at the ceiling from her bed, "Dang it." And reluctantly sets aside 5 bits to give to a soon to be VERY smug Dashie come the morning...
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TO BE CONTINUED?
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?
Love me, flame me, review me