It's fuckin' cold tonight, for Georgia at least. Breeze cuts through to the bone. Shit. What'd I'd give for a smoke right now. Wishful fuckin' thinkin'. I sit outside of our only tent, keepin' all my senses sharpened for any disturbances. I'm grateful there weren't no argument over who took watch. Took little persuadin' since she was tired. She knew I was the better lookout, knew she needed her strength come mornin'. I need her to keep up better, so she's gotta get the weariness outta her system before we set off again. 'Sides, I wouldn't be able to close one eye knowin' some scrawny little girl was lookin' out for me.
Our immediate perimeter's visibly clear. Past that, unknown. I smell a hint of the smoke from our previous fire, the lastin' taste of that greasy rabbit still in my mouth. It was hardly enough to say you're full but settled the growlin' in our stomaches. Fuck it. That's how it was for me even 'fore the world went to shit. But I gotta give her credit: Beth don't complain 'bout food.
I rub my chest to keep heated; heart's more important than arms. I look down at the ashes an' blow a warm breath in my cupped hands. We can only keep a flame long enough to cook meat, much longer an' it could draw the wrong sorta attention. Fires ain't for keepin' warm in this world. Not if you wanna remain among the livin'. Still, kinda eats away at you when the time comes to put out the embers. Not like they'd warm me up tonight. I kick at the ashes with my boot.
My hand reaches down an' I feel the leaves that crunch, twigs that break. This is the terrain that saves or kills you. The protection of the surroundin' forest's worth the risk. If you got enough sense to watch your step, you can remain quiet an' undiscovered. An' alive. If you're someone like Beth, who could trip 'cross a flat surface, your chances slip away. The girl's hopeless. I push the thought aside. We ain't close, but we're all each other's got left. Pissy as I am, I know I gotta be patient with her.
The cool night air's silent. No crickets, no groanin'. I woulda noticed the bastards comin' 'fore they'd start the groans. With the ground covered in autumn's wake, I'd hear a walker from least twenty yards away. The fuckers ain't exactly quiet, draggin' their rotted, mangled bodies through the foliage. I pull my crossbow to my lap, make sure a bolt's in place. Even on a night this quiet you can't go puttin' your guard down. Damn shame you can't enjoy a peaceful evenin' outside no more.
Strainin' my ears further, I hear murmurin'. Slowly, carefully, I raise myself up; bow at the ready. Keepin' silent as the woods 'round me, I listen again. I know I heard somethin'. It's a few moments 'fore it starts back up. Holdin' my breath, I crane my neck in the direction the sound's comin' from. To my surprise, it's source is inside the tent. 'Fore I catch myself, I breathe out her name,"Beth." I pull back the flap an' peer inside. Flat on her stomach, head on her arms, Beth speaks again. It's quiet as a dove; I almost miss it. But I'm certain: She's callin' out her sister's name in her sleep.
"Maggie..." As silent's she is, I can hear the mournin' in her voice. I don't know if it's pity that washes over me or just plain curiosity, but I convince myself I needa be certain she's fine an' lower my bow to the ground. It's gotta be curiosity. I manage to maneuver my way into the tent without wakin' her. There's barely enough room to hold us both. I allow myself to crouch down next to her an' my back brushes the fabric wall.
Even in the darkness, I can make out her features. She has some of the palest skin I ever set my eyes on, like milk from the carton. Her light blonde hair's dirty an' pulled up off her neck with a rubber band. Matted, curly pieces fall 'round her face. She looks peaceful, young an' innocent. Such a contrast to the world 'round her. I picture a single rose in a field of coals an' ashes. I study her face, tensin' up as she sleeps.
That's when I notice the tears streakin' her cheek. It's harsh, but I'm damn thankful she ain't awake an' havin' a cryin' fit in fronta me. I ain't ever been one to comfort people, least of all a girl. Dammit, I'm in over my fuckin' head with this.
In my own way, I get it. I know how hard it was when I was separated from Merle. We wasn't even the lovin' type of brothers. It's strange tryin' to picture a relationship with him like those girls had, even now that he's dead. Ain't like I could try to fix the past. Sure as shit ain't like I'ma pretend we was one big, happy fuckin' family. The girls were close, a blind man could see that, an' I feel a trace of jealousy briefly flash through me. Them an' their dad was what a family should be like, I guess.
Hershel. My chest tightens when I think of him. He was more of a father to me in the little time I knew him than my own old man was my entire life. Hershel was smart an' carin'. Stronger than most men you'd meet. The way he handled losin' his leg... I find myself wonderin' if I'd go through with it. If hackin' off a limb meant savin' my life, could I go that far? It's really no question. I'd go into survival mode. If the option was between crutches, a bullet through the skull or bein' a walker, there'd be no choice.
A new sound snaps me back to my current situation. Beth lets out a whimper, like some injured animal. I don't even realize my hand's reachin' towards her face 'til it's almost there. I freeze. The fuck am I doin'? The muscles in my hand twitch. What harm'll it do when she ain't even awake? Ain't like she'd know I gotta scrap of emotion in my body. Almost like I ain't even lettin' my walls down. Gently's I know how, I brush a piece of hair away from her face. I can't think of much else to do, so I just whisper, "S'alright." Her face relaxes at my touch an' she lays still, only movin' with quiet breaths. I pull my hand back and bring the tip of my thumb to my mouth, thinkin'.
Maybe she's a burden, but now she's my burden to bear. I gotta keep her safe. It's the least I could do to repay Hershel for all he did for me. I'm fit to try an' balance my new debt in life. She may be his only livin' blood at this point. I know I didn't deserve his kindness or even his trust, for that matter. He musta seen somethin' in me I ain't even know I had. But I don't hold onto that type of thinkin'. What difference does it make? I let him down. I let all of 'em down. The only real family I ever had.