"Wha...what are you talking about, Nic?" Sam asks, his eyes wide. I glance at Dean and his are just as wide, silently questioning. Sliding across the bench seat of the van, I motion for the boys to sit, to get comfortable. Dean slides in beside me and Sam opens the passenger door, sits in the chair there and turns, both their attention on me.

I have told no one this information ever. I had carried it with me for years and to know that I would be not only reliving the nightmare, but entrusting my sordid history with the guy I was in love with and his brother was frightening. Would they look at me differently? No way would Dean want to touch me again after this truth comes out, I thought to myself. And knowing that, that he would look at me with disdain almost made me want to just tell them to forget it. But I knew that wasn't an option. Well, here goes nothing, I thought to myself. Taking a moment to center myself, I take a breath and begin to tell my darkest secret.

"When I was 9, Dad and I were in Chicago. He had been chasing after some really rare car, finally got a line on where to find one so we packed up and took off trying to find the seller. Anyway, we'd been stuck on the road, in our little clunker, for close to three weeks, trying to track down this elusive dealer. One day, I heard people talking about a carnival that was set up in the next town over. So I begged and pleaded with him to take me. He finally relented and the next morning , we set out to have a fun Daddy/Daughter day.

"We pulled in and I was so excited. I had never seen so many different sights all in one spot before. The carnival seemed to go on for miles and miles. Food vendors, rides of all shapes and sizes, people milling around everywhere. Kids my age and younger just running around, laughing and playing. I so wanted to be carefree like them, but I knew that Dad would never let me carry on that way. I was just a kid, ya know. Wanting to do regular kid things. I told him I wanted to try everything, which caused him to laugh the loudest and hardest I'd ever seen and heard." I stopped to wipe the tears that blurred my vision, remembering the sound of that laughter. Sam put a hand on my knee and Dean wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"Nicole, you don't have to tell us if you don't want to," Sam said softly. "If it's too traumatic." "No," I answered, looking at both brothers. "I need to tell someone. I've bottled it up for too long." Looking out the window, I continued. "That day was the best day of my life. I had eaten hot dogs, cotton candy, fried dough covered with sugar and chocolate. I rode all the rides a kid my age could. It was just getting dark and all the bright neon lights were starting to buzz on. I had to use the bathroom so Dad took me to the building where the restrooms were. He told me he would wait for me there, right at the door.

"What he didn't know was there was a back way into the building. As I was washing my hands, a man dressed in a faded clown suit and a painted face walked in. Little ole me never even saw him. He came up behind me, put his hand over my mouth and carried me out the backdoor. As he was walking toward the dark wooded area behind the carnival grounds, I kicked at him and screamed into his hand. He told me that if I didn't calm down he would kill my dad so I stopped. I just let...I let him...I just let him carry me off!"

My sobs are beginning to affect my ability to speak. Dean wraps his arms around me and holds my head to his chest. Once I'm able to control my crying, I sit up and Dean's arms fall away from me. I glance over but he has turned and was looking out into the vacant parking lot. His elbows are on his knees, his shoulders slump forward. I know he is beginning to reconsider having anything to do with me. Sam, whose hand is still resting on my knee, looks at me with somber eyes. "I'm sorry you had to ever go through that." At the sound of his brother's voice, Dean stands up out of the vehicle and walks away, never looking back. 'And that's how that ends,' I think to myself. 'Dean doesn't want anything to do with me now that he realizes just how tainted I am.' I feel more tears sliding down my cheeks as I grieve for the relationship I wanted and now could never have. I feel

Sam squeeze my knee, "It's okay, Nic. We're here for you. You won't ever have to go through that again." Poor, sweet Sam, I think. These tears aren't for my stolen innocence. These tears are for what will never be! I watch through hazy eyes as Dean continues walking away from where I sit, kicking at the gravel as he goes. Bye, my love. Goodbye.

~DEAN'S POV~

I couldn't take it anymore. Listening to what that monster did to her. Not even a monster, just a sick perverted human! Monsters I understand. Monsters almost always have an agenda. A reason for what they do. But humans? Humans are a whole other thing. How could someone see a sweet innocent little girl, happy and having fun, do something like that? Where does the idea to even do something like that come from? I just do not understand people. Glancing around I notice that I am completely hidden from view by the side of the Roadhouse. Squatting down, I pick at the toe of my boot. How can she be like the badass I see when I look at her after going through something like that? To hold that in for all these years. she's an amazing hunter, I know.

I've heard the stories, I know she can handle herself in any situation. Picking up a pebble, I stand feeling the weight of the rock in my palm. I bounce it in my hand a couple of times and then sling it toward the woods. Over and over again, I pick up gravel and just hurl them through the air. During my actions, I feel the hot moisture slide down my face and in that moment, I determine I will find out the whole story and do whatever I can to defend her honor. Wiping my hands on my jeans, I run my arm over my eyes and face to hide the breakdown I'd had. Walking around the side of the roadhouse, I see Jo headed my way, a smile forming on her face as she sees me.

~END~

Back in the Roadhouse, Sam is reviewing elements of the "Killer Clown" case at the bar, Ellen is busy wiping down tabletops, and Ash is still holed up in his room, going through John's notes. I make my way through to the bathroom to try to freshen up before anyone can see the mess all the crying has left my face in. After splashing cold water on my face, I lean onto the sink and look into the mirror hanging above it. My eyes are still bloodshot and swollen from crying, but the tear stains are gone from my cheeks. Drying my face with a paper towel, I stop as I begin hearing muted voices from the other side of the wall. I can't make out the words but I recognize the deep timber of Dean's.

Not wanting to exactly eavesdrop, but still trying to hear exactly what is going on. A couple more fuzzy sentences and then it quietens. I realize the bathroom must be right next to the storage closet, I had passed it on my way. The door had been marked Employees Only! I wonder what Dean is doing in the there and who is he talking to?

Throwing the damp towel in the trash, I unlock and open the door to head back out to the bar area. As I pass the open door of the room I glance in to see Dean buttoning his pants and readjusting himself. His hair is tousled and standing behind him is Jo, with kiss swollen lips. Neither see me so I hightail it down the hall back to the bar area. 'I need to get a bus ticket and get the hell out of here, I think to myself as I head straight for Ellen.