"What's up mate?" he asked.

"I'm just being silly" Merlin went on to tell Gwaine what Morgana had said about his old job.

Gwaine understood Merlin's distress and tried to comfort him. But Merlin just wanted to be left alone. A short while later Arthur returned home and Gwaine told him what had happened. Arthur went in to see him and hugged the upset man and held him. Merlin sobbed into his partner's chest making his shirt all wet.

"Come on love, let it all out." Arthur was secretly cursing Morgana.

"I'm stupid getting so upset. I hadn't even thought about the job until today, so why am I crying?" He took a deep breath and dried his eyes. "Sorry, I've made your shirt all wet."

Arthur grinned at him "Well I was going to change it anyway, come on we can talk as I change."

As Arthur changed, he started to think about Merlin's future.

"Merlin, why don't you give it some thought, there must be something you could do, perhaps from home? Something you can do part time to start with and see how you go."

"I don't see what. Half the time I can't even think straight, I'm a nut case don't forget." Merlin sounded very bitter.

"Don't ever say that Merlin! You've got a good mind, and something structured to do might help. Just give it some thought."

"Ok, but I don't see what. I might be alright some of the time, but other times my mind just goes into a hole somewhere."

Arthur knew from Merlin's tone that he would even give the matter any thought. Well, he would. Even if not now, there must be something Merlin could do in the future that would make good use of his skills.

They went into the master bedroom and Arthur took off his suit. As he got a t shirt out of the draw, he felt Merlin's arms go round his waist. They ended up staying in the bedroom for over an hour, before finally going back to the lounge.

"Now there's a good reason not to work" said Merlin with a grin on his face. The trouble was, Arthur could see that the grin never got as far as Merlin's eyes.

Life gradually fell into a rhythm, Merlin still had the occasional nightmare and panic attack and he wasn't able to be the little spoon when sleeping with Arthur. Something he really missed, but they often led that way for awhile once they woke up at the weekends. Arthur made sure they had a lie in for just that purpose. Merlin gradually seemed to accept his new life.

Merlin had a final outpatients visit at Guys. After a discussion with the plastic surgeons, Merlin decided against plastic surgery to reduce the ugly scars from Edwin's botched up stitching. He had so many scars anyway that he saw no need to undergo surgery to reduce some of them. Arthur assured him they made no difference to him, he still found Merlin beautiful, scars and all. Which got Merlin cross, he insisted he wasn't a girl, so couldn't be beautiful anyway.

Merlin was still seeing the clinical psychologist and psychiatrist, but they visited him at home. But all his other treatments were over. They both knew he would continue to be checked by the respiratory team every year, for his breathing problems, but otherwise they were both glad to see the back of hospitals.

In November they received an invite to the village firework night and Merlin actually agreed to go. He was wrapped up by Arthur, and complained he felt like a child, but Arthur only replied that bonfire night was for children anyway. It was the first time they had been to a village event. Merlin still didn't like crowds. Arthur decided it was the darkness that allowed Merlin to enjoy it so much, as he couldn't see everyone.

Christmas soon came round once more. This time Merlin did his shopping on line. The bungalow was decorated and Merlin had a large Christmas tree in the lounge. He made Arthur decorate the top half while he did the base. Everyone was coming to Christmas dinner and Hunith was going to help Gwen and Mithian do the cooking. Nice smells came for the kitchen nearly every day and Merlin got involved in quite a bit of the cooking.

The village children knocked on the door one evening. They sang some carols and it made them feel like part of the community. On Christmas day Mithian and Gwaine announced that they too were expecting a baby. Arthur rolled his eyes and said it must be the country air. That would be three children in the group by next Christmas. Merlin was pleased for the couple and gave them both a Merlin special. A 'half hug' where his back wasn't touched.

Christmas day went well and they all had a good meal. They all enjoyed themselves. On Boxing Day only Hunith, Gwaine and Mithian were left the other visitors had gone home. They had just had a light tea and had settled down to watch television. They started to watch a James Bond film. As usual Bond had got captured and was being interrogated. None of them noticed Merlin until they heard him whimpering. Merlin was sat in his wheelchair and was staring at the screen in horror. Arthur suddenly realised that the scene was bringing memories back to Merlin of his beatings during captivity.

Arthur got up immediately and went to Merlin. Gwaine switched off the TV. Merlin was panicking and wouldn't let Arthur touch him. He suddenly stood up and ran limping into the corridor, falling over as he did so. He crawled to the wall and curled up in a ball. Arthur kept talking to him, but he wouldn't respond. Merlin continued to whimper and cower, terrified. Mithian had gone to the medicine cupboard and come out with an injection of sedative. She spoke to Arthur:

"Arthur I need to get near him and inject him. I'm sorry but he's gone too far for a tablet and not going to settle without an injection. Try to hold him gently and I will be quick."

Arthur moved forward and put his arms round Merlin who started to struggle. Mithian moved in and injected the trapped man. Arthur loosened his hold but kept talking to him, trying to get through the panic that had possessed the scared man. As the injection took hold Merlin began to settle. Arthur then gathered Merlin up into his arms and carried him into their bedroom and laid him on their bed.

He switched on the night sky and talked to Merlin in a soothing voice, stroking his hair as he did so. Tears were running down the blonde man's face. It had been over a month since Merlin had had a nightmare let alone a daytime panic attack. The others were sat in the lounge shocked by what had happened.

"Bugger!" Gwaine was upset; he hadn't given a thought to what they were watching, and its possible effect on Merlin. He had been fine other times when they had watched TV.

"We should have known" Mithian said "But then it will always be hard to know what will trigger him and when. He's watched a bond film and been ok. I don't suppose we can't protect him from everything, much as we would like to." Mithian was trying to comfort her husband. The Bond film had been his suggestion.

In the bedroom Merlin had at last fallen asleep; the sedative was doing its work. Arthur composed himself before returning to the others.

"He's settled. I hope he hasn't hurt himself falling like that" Gwaine passed Arthur a drink of whiskey. "Have some of that princess."

Arthur took a sip "Thanks Gwaine, will this ever end?" he put his head in his hands.

"Look son, you know he still has a way to go. We can't predict everything. You know what Dr Kilgarrah said, Merlin hasn't told us everything. Even Merlin himself can't predict his triggers. Don't blame yourself." Hunith sat down next to her son in law and put her arm round his shoulder.

The episode had finished the evening for everyone, and they went home. Mithian told Arthur to ring if he needed anything in the night. Arthur went back to Merlin and changing into his night clothes got into bed and cuddled up to Merlin.