Here we are. Michonne an' I found this shack once while out lookin' for The Governor. It ain't no five star hotel, but that ain't what Beth needs. Drinkin' up in a shit hole like this was exactly what I did at her age. Least now the company's better.
I sit her at the table an' put the crate down. Apparently, these fuckers were runnin' their own shine distillery right at home. They had a whole shed dedicated to only that, so I grabbed what I could an' brought it in. I set a jar in front of her. "That's a real first drink, right there." She hesitates an' looks up at me. I don't get it. "What's the matter?"
"My dad used to say that bad moonshine can make you blind." I snort at her. Sounds like Hershel.
"There ain't nothin' worth seein' out there anymore, anyways." That's a good enough answer.
I pour some of the jar into a glass an' hand it to her. Beth takes her first sip. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted." But she sips it again an' smiles. "The second round is better." She wants me to drink with her, but I know better. I'm all too aware of what happens when liquor passes my lips. Last thing I need is a drink. "What, you're my chaperone now, Mr. Dixon?" There's that smart mouth, again. Gonna be a long fuckin' night.
This whole damn place throws me back to the broken home of my youth. Everything in here looks so familiar. For fuck's sake, they even had the same stupid bra planter the old man had. It's all here: A place for drinkin', somewhere to spit your chaw. Shit thrown all 'round. I think I'm ready for that hooch, after all. I grab a jar an' drop down in an all too familiar recliner. "Home sweet home."
I thought all she wanted was her first drink. Then she goes on 'bout some dumb ass drinkin' game. "I ain't never needed a game to get lit before." But she's persistent. Says she learned this game watchin' her friends play. Shoulda known it was somethin' like that. Fuckin' teenagers.
"Ok. I'll start. I've never shot a crossbow. So, now you drink." This is stupid.
"Ain't much of a game." An' it ain't.
"That was a warm up! Now you go." What the fuck are we doin'? I shrug it off. "Just, say the first thing that pops into your head." Shit.
"I've never been outta Georgia." She's surprised. Obviously she's been outta this state, 'cause she drinks up. We go back an' forth, an' then she strikes a nerve sayin' she ain't ever been to jail. As a prisoner. I'm a tough son of a bitch, but that got under my skin. Why would she put that on me?
"That's what you think of me?" She tries to recover, tellin' me she meant nothin' serious. Like the drunk tank. She's shocked as shit when I tell her to drink up. Then she asks me if I was a prison guard before all this shit. Fuck. I thought that game was over already. I can't understand what's so fuckin' great 'bout my past that every motherfucker I meet wants to know it. I tell her no, an' when she tells me it's my turn again I say I gotta take a piss. I stomp over to the wall an' let the jar fall to the ground.
Shit. I'm really fuckin' angry. I know it's mostly the shine, but damn, I'm seein' red. Fuck her perfect life with her perfect fuckin' family in her perfect fuckin' home. Fuck these stupid games an' fuck her. I don't need to stand for this shit, least of all from some little eighteen year old girl. She points out that I'm bein' too loud, that I'll attract a walker. Tells me to keep quiet. That's the trigger. I glare over my shoulder at her an' ask if she's my chaperone now. She looks hurt, but I'm past the point of carin'.
She had said it was my turn, didn't she? So I rattle off the things in life I never gotta have. No frozen yogurt, no pet pony. Santa never brought presents to the Dixon house. I ain't ever relied on anyone for protection, or anything else for that matter. I don't know why, maybe it's 'cause I took this personally, but I started swingin' below the belt. "I never sung in front of a group out in public. Like everything was fun! Like everything was a big game! I sure as hell never cut my wrist lookin' for attention!" The pain in her eyes only pisses me off more. Why the fuck's she so weak? Guess she don't like discussin' personal fuckin' shit either. Too fuckin' bad. I know that I need to push her. I need her to keep a distance.
Then we hear that piece of shit walker outside. She ain't ever shot a crossbow? Now's a good a time as any to start. Gonna make a whole day outta firsts. So I grab her up by the arm, kick open the door an' drag her ass outside. The walker comes out front. I aim my sight an' put a bolt through its shoulder, nailin' the dumb ass to a post. I grab her again an' hold her tight in fronta me. She don't even wanna try. So I shoot another arrow at it, her still in fronta me. I keep tryin' to make her shoot the fucker an' she tells me that it ain't supposed to be fun killin' em. Comin' from the girl who plays stupid ass drinkin' games. She runs up to it an' stabs through its skull. An' here I thought we was havin' fun. She tells me I'm bein' a jackass, then tries to compare what I was doin' out here to somethin' someone coulda done if they found her dad, but I cut her off. It ain't the fuckin same.
"What d'you want from me, girl?"
"I want you to stop actin' like you don't give a crap about anything! Like nothing we went through matters, like none of the people we lost meant anything to you! It's BULLSHIT!" What the fuck?
"Is that what you think?" She looks me right in the eye.
"That's what I know." I tell her she don't know nothin'. She can't even begin to imagine my demons. The nightmares that carry on even when I ain't sleepin'. "I know you look at me an' you see another dead girl. I'm not Michonne. I'm not Carol. I'm not Maggie. I survived an' you don't get it 'cause I'm not like you or them! But I made it! An' you don't get to treat me like crap just 'cause you're afraid."
Fuck her. My rage's finally at it's boilin' point, I can feel all my muscles tighten up an' I got ice in my veins. If she were a man she'd already be missin' her fronts. I'd cover the ground in brain matter. But I'm just barely hangin' onto that more noble side of me. This girl can take the punches, but can she take the truth? If I'm gonna fight her back, I've gotta rip her fuckin' heart out an' splatter it on the walls of the shack. I get right up in her face, and I put all the hate an' venom I got into my next words.
"I ain't afraid of nothin." I hear my father's voice in place of my own, but this is the way to save myself. I'll deal with that nightmare soon's I take care of her. She doesn't cower away from me, she don't even flinch. For a moment, I see the ghost of myself starin' back at me. But, far different from me, her gaze isn't lifeless. There's a fire in her eyes now, same as before, an' I brace myself.
"I remember. When that little girl came outta the barn, after my mom. You were like me. An' now God forbid you ever let anybody get too close!" Jesus Christ. It's not her fuckin' place to bring up my mistake with Sophia. I know I coulda found her. She woulda never ended up in that barn if I tried harder. Beth just can't fuckin' let up, it's like she wants me to hurt her.
"Too close, huh? You know all about that. You lost two boyfriends! You never even shed a tear! Your whole family's gone! All you can do is go out lookin' for hooch like some dumb college bitch!"
"Screw you! You don't get it."
"No, you don't get it! Everyone we know's dead! Might as well be, 'cause you ain't ever gonna see them again! Rick... You ain't ever gonna see Maggie again!" That's when I know I struck her biggest fear. That we'd never get anyone back. That this is permanent.
As I look into her eyes, I see the flame has finally been put out, replaced with sufferin'. The lifeless eyes I would catch starin' back at me from a mirror. I've finally took her to a darker place where hopes an' dreams never existed. Where everybody you care 'bout drops off the face of the Earth. I was drownin' her in my own pain an' she stopped fightin' back for air. But I don't feel like I just won. I feel more like a monster that just crushed a little girl's heart in his bare hands. She's made it this far livin' on hopes an' prayers. She gets by just holdin' onto that pipe dream of a big family reunion.
I realize at that moment that I am afraid. Of never seein' our group again. Of failure. I can't bear the weight anymore. I completely split myself open in front of her an' pour it all out. I shoulda never stopped lookin' for The Governor, shoulda never gave up. He bust right through our gates an' there was nothin' I could do to protect my own. I know it's all my fault. Her dad? What if I coulda done something? He wouldn't be dead right now if I had. This is it. I always knew I'd fall apart once I spoke my fears. Once I opened up I'd never be able to put myself back together. I ain't ever felt so hopeless in all my life.
Then it happened. Beth came up behind me an' threw her arms 'round me. She squeezed me tight as she could. Wouldn't let go even when I resisted her. After all I've said, the way I treated her, how I tried to break her. No matter how bad I got since the fall of the prison. Goin' days without talkin' to her, lookin' at her as some little kid. I only did it to protect myself. To save myself from destruction. But here she was, holdin' me tight to her. It's like she put her own hurt aside, just to comfort me. I can't believe how much she cares 'bout me. How good it feels havin' her there with me, keepin' me in one piece when I feel shattered. I can't remember the last time I felt the weight of the world lift from me.
That's when I know it's the first time. All 'cause this girl cares for me an' she wants me to trust her. I'm grateful that my pushin' her only made her push back with equal force. Grateful that she saw through my bullshit when no one else could, that she fought so fuckin' hard to remain close. I can't help it. It's all too much an' I know I can't struggle anymore. I'm cryin' in her arms. I feel myself cower, hang my head an' just let it all go. I'm finally broken.
But she holds tighter, keeps me together. She trusts me an' I know I have to trust her. I know now that I need her as bad as she needs me. We really are all we got left.
Beth's my family now.