Kayla opened the apartment door as Steve carried a sleeping Stephanie inside. She set her purse and jacket down while Steve went straight to Stephanie's bedroom to put her to bed. She thought about following him, but decided to wait for him in the living room instead.
She knew they needed to talk. As soon as she had stepped into the hallway at Shane's house, she could tell that Steve and Shane had been in the middle of another argument. Their denials had been hollow at best, and it was clear that whatever truce had been reached at Donovan Manor was no longer in effect.
Kayla sighed and ran her hands across her face. She did not know what exactly had set Steve off, but she surmised that he must have overheard her talking to Shane. For a moment, Kayla grew angry. She understood that Steve was still dealing with the fact of her relationship with Shane, but she should not have to feel guilty for simply having a conversation with a man who had been, and still was, a good friend.
Yet, she did feel guilty. She felt guilty every time she saw the awkwardness between Shane and Kim, every time her father blamed Kayla or Shane for Kim's unhappiness, and every time she saw the pain in Steve's eye when somebody brought up something that had happened while he was gone.
Kayla leaned back on the couch, suddenly feeling exhausted. She was tired of feeling guilty, tired of walking on eggshells around Shane, Kim, and - especially - Steve. Kayla was tired of wondering whether her career as a nurse would be taken from her permanently. Well, she thought with an ironic smile, that part might be taken care of as early as the day after tomorrow.
She raised her head as she heard Steve walk into the room. "Is Stephanie all tucked in?"
Steve nodded. "Yeah. She went right back to sleep." Then he turned and walked into the kitchen.
Kayla got up from the couch and followed him. Standing in the doorway, she watched as he removed a bottle of beer from the refrigerator and opened it. He took a long pull from the bottle before turning and seeing Kayla standing there.
"You want one?" Steve asked, pointing to his beer.
"No," Kayla replied. "What I want is for you to stop giving me the silent treatment and tell me what was going on with you and Shane."
Steve turned away and took another drink of his beer. "I'm not giving you the silent treatment, baby. I already told you it was nothing."
Kayla rolled her eyes. "Come on, Steve. You hardly spoke two words to me after we went back to the party and on the way home. And I know both you and Shane well enough to know that whatever was going on was not 'nothing.'"
"It doesn't matter, Kayla," Steve said, turning back to face her. "It's late. Let's just go to bed." He took a step towards the kitchen door.
"It does matter, Steve," Kayla said forcefully. "If you won't tell me what happened, how about I tell you?"
Steve stopped in front of her. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about how you obviously found Shane and me talking, and how that upset you." Kayla continued to stand in the doorway, refusing to let him walk away from her.
Steve turned away and walked back to the kitchen counter. He leaned against it, then finally spoke. "Yeah . . . it did upset me."
Kayla breathed a small sigh of relief. At least, he had admitted it. Remaining where she stood, she said, "You know it was just a conversation, right? Shane happened to walk by when I was trying to calm Stephanie down. It was nothing more than that."
"I know that." Steve said sharply. "It's not about that."
"Then what is it about, Steve?" Kayla asked, frustration creeping into her voice. "I thought we talked this through in England. You told me that you and Shane had settled things."
"I thought we had. But I guess Mr. ISA and I have different ideas about what that means."
Kayla was confused. She thought back to her conversation with Shane. They had just been talking about Stephanie, nothing more.
"I don't understand, Steve. Yesterday, we stood in this kitchen and I asked you if you had forgiven me for what happened between me and Shane. You told me there was nothing to forgive. Were those just words?"
Steve turned to face Kayla. "No. They weren't just words, Kayla. I meant it."
"Then why are you so upset? Just talk to me, Steve. Please."
Kayla watched as Steve seemed to struggle with some internal battle. Finally he turned to her, hurt evident on his face.
"I know that when you were with Shane you believed that I was dead. And I know that you love me," Steve said. Kayla could hear the sincerity, as well as the hurt, in his voice. "But . . . it doesn't stop it from feeling like somebody is putting a knife in my gut when I hear you laughing with him about how he spoiled Stephanie and how he stayed up with you when Stephanie was having a sleepless night."
Kayla felt the guilt hit her again. All this time she had thought Steve's issues with Shane were a reflection of his insecurity about her love for him. For the first time, she realized it was just as much about Shane's place in Stephanie's life.
"I should have been the one there with you," Steve continued, his voice raw with emotion. "I should have seen Stephanie's first steps. I should have been staying up playing poker when Stephanie couldn't sleep. All of that should have been me."
"I know," Kayla said softly. "I wish it had been you. More than anything." She paused a moment, then charged forward. "But we have to accept what happened. You can't keep getting mad whenever anybody talks about the time you were gone."
"It's not just people talking about the time I was gone. It's . . . " Steve stopped and turned away again.
"It's what?" Kayla prompted, determined not to let him shut down again. "Tell me."
"It's the way you were talking with him," Steve shouted. "Laughing about the good old days when it was just the three of you. It was like . . . like it didn't even matter that I wasn't there."
"You know that's not true," Kayla said, feeling the guilt rise up again.
"Do I?" Steve gave a harsh laugh. "Sometimes I'm not so sure, baby. Hell, I'm back and Shane still has a whole plan to give Stephanie riding lessons and a pony. What the hell does Stephanie need me for?"
"Stop it," Kayla yelled. "Stephanie needs you because you are her father and you love her like nobody else can. And she loves you. She doesn't need riding lessons and a pony. She just needs her father to love her. Shane could never take your place in her heart . . . or in mine."
"That all sounds great, Kayla. It really does." Steve paced around the kitchen. "But it doesn't feel that way right now. I listened to you two talking about the fun times you had. You know what I was doing during those late-night poker games? Serving as Alamain's lab rat. Hurting so much I sometimes wished they'd just kill me and get it over with."
"You think I don't know that," Kayla replied, angry tears streaming down her cheeks. "You think that I don't hate myself for not knowing you were alive, for not finding you, for being safe and cared for when you were in so much pain?"
"Baby -"
"No. Don't 'baby' me." Kayla's anger and frustration came pouring out. "I don't know how many different ways to tell you I'm sorry or to show you what you mean to me." It was her turn to pace now. "You tell me you forgive me, but it's pretty obvious you don't. You wouldn't be this angry if you did." She took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions. "So why don't you tell me, once and for all, what do I need to do? Huh? Do I need to beg for forgiveness on my knees? What will it take?"
"No!" Steve yelled. "That's not what I want. Dammit, I do forgive you." He ran his hands through his hair and adjusted his patch. "I love you and all I want to do is move on with our lives and forget about the time I was gone. That's all I want."
Kayla thought back to her conversation with Shane a few days ago when he had talked about how he and Kim had tried to forget the past after he got his memory back. She remembered how Shane had told her that had been a mistake; that it had only covered up the wounds instead of healing them. She knew that as much as it hurt, she and Steve were going to have to face the past, not avoid it.
"We can't forget what happened, Steve. That's pretty obvious." Kayla paused. "The question is whether you can find a way to accept it and whether we can put it behind us."
"That's all I want to do, Sweetness. You have to believe that."
"I do believe that," Kayla said. "But just wanting it isn't enough." She took a deep breath. "You can't keep blaming Shane for everything."
Anger flickered in Steve's eye again. "Don't defend him, Kayla."
"Why not?" Kayla asked, defiantly. "What happened was not Shane's fault. I'm a grown woman and I made my own choices. If you've truly forgiven me, then you need to forgive Shane as well."
"It's not the same thing," Steve said, his voice rising again.
"Yes it is," Kayla said.
"No it's not," Steve repeated. "You were a grieving widow and Shane took advantage of that. Marcus told me how Shane was always around and how he pushed his way into your life."
"Marcus was wrong," Kayla said. "Shane didn't push himself into my life and he didn't take advantage of me." She looked at Steve with a new understanding. "You're taking out your anger on the wrong person."
They stood in silence for several moments, neither sure how to bridge the gulf that had opened up. The silence was interrupted by a loud cry from the other room. Kayla cringed. Apparently, Stephanie had been unable to sleep through her parents screaming at each other.
Turning, Kayla started towards Stephanie's room. She stopped when she heard Steve call her name.
"Kayla . . . I . . . I . . ." Steve stopped, a helpless look of pain and frustration on his face. "I'm sorry."
"I know," she said softly. "I'm sorry too." Turning away, she walked quickly into her daughter's room, hoping that she could at least soothe her daughter's fears, even if she could do nothing for her own.