The ride back to Sioux Falls is thankfully uneventful, save for the crying baby at the front of the bus. I just ignore the commotion and watch the scenery pass by my window. Stepping off the bus, I immediately grab a cab and head off toward the junkyard. Bobby meets me on the porch, standing there with his arms crossed he eyes me and asks, "What did those idjits do now?"

I paste a smile on my face. "Nothing Bobby. Took on a case for Ellen. I wasn't interested so I came back." I didn't want to rehash yesterday's events with him at all. "Uh huh," Bobby says. I can tell he doesn't believe me but he isn't the type to pry so he drops the subject. Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, he leads me into the house. I look at the couch and my heart drops. Slung across the back is one of Dean's flannels. I inherently walk over and pick it up. Raising it to my face, I breathe it in. It, of course, smells like him; leather, gunpowder and whiskey. Such a heady combination, but it's all Dean.

I wrap it around myself and slide my arms into the sleeves. Bobby is watching me from the kitchen and he rolls his eyes. "Okay. What did that idjit do now? Do I have to kill him when they get back?" Sighing, I turn and say, "No, Bobby. But I really don't want to talk about it." I look at him apologetically and he nods. Without another word, I climb the stairs and enter my room. Falling onto my bed, I pull the shirt tighter and fall to sleep.

I wake to a knock on my bedroom door. "Nic, you awake?" Bobby's gruff voice sounds through the wooden door. The clock on the side table reads 7:00 A.M . That means I slept roughly all the previous evening and through the night. "Uh," I groan. "I'm up."

Bobby opens the door and awkwardly leans against the frame, work thermos in hand. Bobby hardly ever entered my room and I could tell he is feeling a bit uncomfortable. I knew that when John had dropped me off here all those years ago it had been an adjustment to the old hunter. He had gotten used to living alone and seemed to prefer it at first. Now here he was standing in my room, looking completely out of his element and nervous.

"Gonna be out in the shop most of the day. Got a few chores to catch up on," he explains, hesitantly. "You can man the phones, right?" "Of course, Bobby!" I exclaim. "I'm the best damn secretary there is." With a guffaw, his eyes light up. "Don't I know it. Listen, I know you said you didn't want to talk about it," Bobby says, flustered. "And I know I probably wouldn't even know what to tell you. Hell, I don't know if I would even take my own advice, but I'm here. I'll listen, if that's what you need."

Feeling grateful for his attempt, I get up and walk over to put my arms around him. "Thanks, old man. But I think I need to figure this out for myself." "Who you calling old man, little lady?" Bobby scoffs. "Well, okay. I'll be out in the yard today if you need me." After Bobby leaves I go to the bathroom to shower and start my day. My hamper is full and I had noticed when I returned, the kitchen was a disaster. Bobby may not have minded living alone all those years, but he had never learned how to keep a clean house.

I grab my cell before leaving the room and open up my music app. I couldn't clean without music. It just made the mundane tasks go faster. As the first song begins, I slip the phone into the pocket of Dean's flannel and begin gathering the few dirty clothes that was lying around so I could start the laundry. As I'm doing dishes later, the atmosphere in the kitchen takes a nosedive. I went from humming along to some RB pop music to tears flowing down my cheeks as Chicago's "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" played.

I was sorry that I ever told Sam and Dean my story. That wasn't the hard part; what was hard is knowing that it had sent Dean right into Jo's arms and pants. That hurt me more than I could ever describe. My heart shattered at the thought of Dean thinking of me as some broken tainted thing instead of the woman he had made love to not that long ago. How could I ever make him understand that what I had went through, although horrific and demeaning, was not what made me, me?

Yes, it stole my innocence in believing there was no evil in this world, but I have come to terms with it. It does not define who I am today. I am me; Nicole, physical trainer with awesome supernatural abilities and a badass hunter of things that most people don't even realize exists. Drying my hands, I reach into the cabinet above me and grab the bottle of whiskey I know Bobby stores up there. Taking a glass from the cabinet, I walk to the table and pour the brown liquid into the glass and just listen.

Hold me now. It's hard for me to say I'm sorry. I just want you to know.

Hold me now. I really want to tell you I'm sorry. I could never let you go.

After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.

And after all that's been said and done, You're just the part of me I can't let go.

I finish off my drink as the song ends so I set the empty glass into the sink, put the decanter of whiskey back in the cabinet and go check to see if the wash needs to be put in the dryer.

Three days later

Dean's P.O.V.

"I'm tellin' ya, Sammy. If I never see another carnival in my life I will die a happy man!" Sam hums in agreement as we arrive back at the Roadhouse. "But at least no more people will be killed by the Rakshasa. Now, what are we gonna do about what Nic told us before we left? We got to try to help her, right?"

"Of course. She's family, man." I look at the building looming over us through the windshield. I'm dreading to see Jo. I just want to get inside and hold Nic in my arms and tell her it's gonna be okay. She was such a comfort to me in my moment of weakness. I want to do the same for her; let her know how much I care and that I'm here for her. I just hope she hasn't dwelt on what she told us and then us leaving soon after. She'll understand though. She's a hunter. She knows the job, right? She knows we have to get out there and fight, to save people.

Opening the door, I walk in expecting to see her sitting either at the bar or one of the tables. But all I encounter are Ellen and Jo. Great! Where is she? "Hey boys!" Ellen welcomes us as we sit at the bar. Handing each of us a beer, she congratulates us on a job well done. "Hell of a job! Your dad would've been proud." "Thanks." Sam answers, looking around the saloon area. "Hey, Ellen. Where's Nicole?"

"Oh hun. She had me take her to the bus station a couple days ago. She headed back to Sioux Falls." Swallowing the liquid in my mouth before I speak, I go to ask her if she knows why when Jo walks up and sits way too close to me. I glance her way and see her smile at Sam and nod her head to him to go away. I look at him, begging with my eyes not to leave me alone, but he misunderstands and gets up to leave anyway. "So, yea, um. I've…I've got to go. Over there. Right now. "

I look over at Jo and she smiles at me. "So, am I gonna see you again? Because, you know, I wouldn't mind." Deciding to let her down as easy as I can, I turn to her. "Can I be honest with you here. Normally, I would be hitting on you so fast it'd make your head spin. But, these days..."

"Wrong time, wrong place?"

"Something like that. Listen, that girl that was here, Nicole. Well, there's something there so, yea, way wrong time."

"Her?" Jo asks in disgust. "Why she take off then? Shouldn't she have waited on you? Seems to me she ain't all that interested if she couldn't wait to get away as soon as your back was turned." I slam the almost empty beer bottle on the bar. "You have no idea what you're talking about!" How dare she talk about Nic like that. She's such a kind soul who has been through more than she should have. Ash enters the bar holding a bizarre looking laptop, interrupting me. "Where you guys been? Been waitin' for ya."

"We were working a job, Ash. Clowns?" Sam speaks up, leaning against a pool looks bewildered, "Clowns? What the fuck?" "You got something for us Ash?" I ask the strange man. I just want to get the hell out of here and get back to Bobby's. I want to know what made Nic take a bus and head back. She knew Sam and I would be returning. After Ash tells us that he can't find the demon we are looking for and that he had a system set up to alert him if any of the signs or omens associated with the yellow eyed freak begin, I am astonished to learn that this bastard is smart. Like Sammy smart. M.I.T? Never would have guessed!

We pick up to leave and as we are walking out the door Ellen offers us a place to stay. I respectfully decline claiming to have "something to take care of". I want to get back to Bobby's, not only to finish putting Baby back together, but to find out exactly why Nic left. Did Jo say something to her about what happened in the storage room? No, I don't think she did. She seemed surprised and upset when I told her about Nic and me.

End Dean's P.O.V.

I heard the commotion downstairs and I knew the boys were back. As much as I wanted to hear about the case they had taken from Ellen, I cringe at the thought of seeing Dean. Knowing he had chosen to be with Jo after I had opened up and told my deepest, darkest secret still stung. And having to see the pity I knew was going to be in those beautiful green eyes, I decided to finish the chore I was doing before leaving my room.

Once I had the bed made and the rest of the room organized, I opened the door and ram smack dab straight into muscle. Looking up, I see hazel eyes looking back at me. Sam, thank God! "Are you okay Nic?" He asks me, truthfully concerned. "Why did you leave? Did something happen?"

I look down at my feet and nod. I hadn't really wanted to tell him, but I knew he was actually worried. I step aside and invite him into my room. Sitting beside him on the bed, I keep my attention on my hands in my lap. "After I told you and Dean about what happened, I saw him with Jo."

"What do you mean, with Jo?" I look up at him incredulously. "I mean, WITH her. In the storage room." I feel tears prick my eyelids and I swear at myself. I promised no more tears over Dean Winchester. And I wasn't going to go back in the promise, no matter what! "I'm sorry, Nic." Sam says as he pulls me up to him in a hug. "Dean's an idiot." He proclaims causing me to laugh. "It's true." Sam laughed with me. "God, Nic! No wonder you left. Wait," Sam said, as he remembered something. "That's why you wanted to leave, asked about a bus that first day, huh?"

"Yea. I just wanted to be home. Somewhere I felt comfortable and safe."

"I get it. I do, really," he says as I lean out of the hug and sit cross-legged on my bed, patting the mattress for him to join me. "Tell me about the case. Did you get the big bad?" "A rakshasa." I look at him in confusion so he explains. "It's an ancient Hindu creature. They appear in human form, feed on human flesh, can make themselves invisible and can't enter a home without being invited."

"Aha, hence the clown. Kids invite them in," I say, catching on.

"Yea because clowns aren't scary," Sam says sarcastically. "Rakshasa live in squalor and sleep on a bed of dead insects."

"Eww! So who was it?"

"The blind knife thrower. Got it in the in-house with a brass organ pipe."

"So, no more monsters befriending kids, munching on their parents?"

"Nope," Sam answers as he looks out the window, taking a breath. Looking back at me, I can see the care in his eyes. "Look, I gotta ask. Are you okay? Like, really. You can talk to me, you know. I'm here for you, Nic. We're family."

"Yea, Sam. I'm okay. Thank you, but really, I'd rather not. It hasn't caused nothing, but pain and heartache. I know I can't, but I'd rather not think about it anymore. It happened, it's done. It's in the past. Let's leave it there."

"Okay. But, just remember, I'm here, ok?"

"Gotcha," I said, with a smile. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna go get a snack."

After eating, I decided to take a stroll through the junkyard. Nothing like a bunch of beat up, rusted out old clunkers to meander through to get your thoughts in order. The sun is shining brightly and I can hear the birds that loiter in the trees at the back edge of the lot. Taking Dean's flannel off and tying it around my waist leaves me in my gray tank and I hope to at least get some color on my arms and shoulders.

As I walk toward the building that Bobby uses as a garage to fix and work on vehicles, I hear Sam talking. "What I'm doing right now, it's too little. It's too late. I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell! And I'm not alright...not at all. But neither are you. That much I know. " Walking around the garage, I see Sam and Dean standing behind Baby. "I'll let you get back to work," Sam says as he walks away.

I watch Dean, standing there, staring at the space Sam had just occupied. Suddenly, he picks up a crowbar and turns to swing into the window of one of the junkers, causing me to jump. Focusing on the Impala, Dean begins driving the crowbar into the trunk lid. Knowing how he feels about that car, I run to stop him. "Dean, stop!" Looking at me, he drops the weapon and lay his hand on the back of the car. "Why am I such a fuck up, Nic? Mom's gone, dad's gone, Sam blames me and I can't even find the stupid demon who took it all away."

"You're not a fuck up Dean. Yea, you made some bad choices recently, but you are not responsible for your parents death. Hell, you were only a kid when your mom died! And your dad? That's on him. He knew what he was getting into when he summoned that demon. None of that is your fault," I tell him as I walk closer. "But what is your fault, your most recent screw up...is what you did after I told you what happened to me when I was a kid."

I really hadn't planned on confronting him about his secret tryst with Jo, but something inside me just wanted to know. To know, why? Was I just another notch in his bedpost? I cross my arms over my chest as I wait to see what he says. "What? Nic, you knew we were going to take that job. I couldn't send Sammy alone. I had to go, don't you see? I'd have done anything to stay there at the Roadhouse with you to make sure you were okay," he steps towards me and put his hands on my arms. "I can't believe that happened to you and yet, here you stand, badass hunter chick that ain't afraid of anything."

"So, why'd you have a quickie with Jo in the storage room? Don't deny it, Dean Winchester," I threaten as I can see him begin to speak. "I saw you. Couldn't get away from the damaged girl fast enough, huh?" Dean stares at me for what seems like a millennia before he opens his mouth. "You think that's what happened? That I just heard your story and then turned away from you? Sweetheart, that's the farthest thing from the truth." Taking my hand in his, Dean leads me to the tool bench and sits me down. Crouched down in front of me, he looks up into my eyes and says, "Let me tell you what really happened."