If you told me this mornin' that I'd be sittin' on the front porch of some run down shine shack bondin' with a drunk Beth tonight, I woulda told you to lay off the pipe. But here we are. After all we been through today, we're just sittin' back an' keepin' each other company; an' it ain't even forced.
In fact, it's the most natural I ever felt with another person, 'sides Rick or Merle. Course I was close to my brother, least, close as you could get to someone who ain't ever 'round. Merle would taunt an' torment me, but always said it was to better me. For most of my life, all I had was my brother. An' then I had Rick. Unlike Merle, Rick saw me as an equal. He always wanted my opinion, even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear. An' Rick always made it a point to let me know he thought I was a valuable part of the group. He was like a brother to me an' the polar opposite of my own real flesh an' blood.
Naw, this was different. I don't have that urge to put up my front no more. There's no need to. Beth's already seen me at my worst an' she's still sittin' here with me like nothin' even happened. That's just how it is with her. She would never hold me against myself. I don't deserve it, but I'm finally openin' up to the idea of someone carin' 'bout me.
It's a feelin' like none I ever had, it's soothin' an' comfortin'; two words I ain't used to describe any part of my life. There's a bitter taste in my mouth when I think of how I've been cheated, an' I'm the one doin' the cheatin'. Like I been wastin' all this time alone when I coulda been with people like her. But I ain't dumb enough to assume there's ever been anyone else like her. She's a special find. I coulda tracked the world over lookin' for someone like Beth an' never felt as whole as I do right now.
The only way I can explain it's to say it's like bein' thirsty. You ain't got no water, so you keep on goin' 'til you find it. You don't pay attention to how bad you need that drink, don't pay no mind to the parchin' ache. You just suck it up an' move along. An' when you get that first drop of water to your lips you wonder how you ever made it that far without it. Shit. Beth's 'bout the most quenchin' glass of water I ever did come 'cross. Hell, more like a shot of whiskey; burnin' all the way down but soothin' nonetheless. That girl's tough as shit. I know I ain't ever gonna look at her the same I did 'fore. The way she stood tall against me- no. She stood tall for me. All that hollerin' an' carryin' on, all to save me from myself. Beth definitely ain't that same shy, quiet girl from the prison. She's grown up. I almost wonder if she's always been so strong an' if I just didn't notice 'fore.
Out here on this porch, it's like we known each other for years an' we always been close. We just fall into step together. An' bein' with her makes me feel better guarded. I know I'm the muscles an' gut of this pair, but she's got the strongest heart an' I trust her to watch over mine, too. I still feel vulnerable without my iced core, but I'm safer puttin' my trust in her hands than any other. I start to think I needed that fire all along. I tease her 'bout bein' a happy drunk, an' she's quick to call me out on bein' less than happy when liquored up. I admit it, I'm a dick when I drink. I still shudder at how I treated her. Part of me thinks she actually seems to enjoy bein' on this level with me, bein' honest.
Maybe it's the lingerin' hooch, maybe it's the thaw in my chest; I tell Beth what I spent my life doin' before the change. I had an ugly life among the livin'. I have an ugly life among the dead. Not much's changed in my world. I was a nobody, a drifter. A redneck asshole with an even bigger asshole for a brother. I ain't ever done nothin' in my life that was any good. I spent most of my time with Merle an' his friends. I never wanted to be like them, not so much's I just wanted to be a part of them. I was the youngest an' therefore I became the most expendable. They'd do deals or break-ins an' wouldn't hesitate for a moment's thought to leave my ass behind if I was slowin' 'em down. Fiends are the worst sorta people. Least, they were when we was all livin'. But I ain't 'bout to dig up all that shit, now. All she's gotta know 'bout me is that I was a nobody, so I leave it at that. I have a brief glimpse into a future where I can tell her everything 'bout me an' nothin'll shake her. She won't leave my side 'cause she cares too much 'bout me.
Beth counters with her dreams of a better world. An' not even the world 'fore; the one we live in now. That's just how optimistic she is. An' while she talks of Glenn an' Maggie havin' a baby an' her father dyin' of nothin' more than old age with all us -his family- surroundin' him, I can't help but be sucked into the pipe dream. She thinks it makes her pathetic. I couldn't disagree more. I think it's peaceful to think of a life where we die of old age, a life we all took for granted 'fore. But all's I do is tell her that's the way things were supposed to happen.
Tonight feels like I'm seein' her for the first time. I'm noticin' the little things I ain't picked up on 'fore. I used to think she was no more than a little girl, now that I'm lookin' more clearly, I see just how little mind I gave to Beth. Her skin is more than milk. It's flawless as a fresh snow 'fore anyone touches it. I don't see dirty, tangled blonde hair no more. In this moment, it's shinin'; a perfect halo 'round her angel face. An' then there's those eyes. Once they seemed too large on her frail features. Now I can see the way they light up an' dance under the Georgian moon. They're round an' warm; that fire's still blazin' away. Beth's a gorgeous fuckin' girl. I can't believe I never seen it 'fore. I'd thought she was a pretty girl, sure. But she's fuckin' beautiful.
Then she speaks my greatest fear. She thinks I'll be the one to survive this life; that I'll be the last man standin'. It rips at the raw edges of my battered soul. Course I wanna survive. I spend every minute of every day keepin' myself alive. But I don't want to be all that's left. A chill runs through me as I think of all the people I grew to know as my own. How each tore a piece away from me when they left. How the only person I have at my side is directly across from me. The pain intensifies as the horrific thought of her no longer bein' next to me flashes 'fore my eyes. I'm havin' trouble keepin' my breathin' steady. She ain't keen enough to notice, but I calm myself best I can. Christ, I won't survive if I lose her, too.
As if the fear weren't bad enough in my head, she voices it. When she tells me that she's gonna die, too, I tell her to stop. But she won't. She says it may not be anytime soon, but she'll die. I can't fuckin' take this. I want happy-drunk Beth back.
"You're gonna miss me so bad when I'm gone, Daryl Dixon."
I don't think she realizes just how right she is. The thought of her gone is eatin' away at what's only just rebuildin' of my heart. I feel a rush of panic course through me. I can't let her go. I look at her face starin' up into the night sky. She's pure an' carin', fuckin' beautiful an' everything I coulda ever dreamed up an' never once woulda gotten close enough to touch in my old life. I look at this girl an' think 'bout what she's sayin'. An' she's damn right. My heart wouldn't last if life took her away from me, too. Not now that I let her in.
When she glances at me an' locks into my gaze, I feel my insides melt. I hate myself for lookin' away, but it's all so new to me. All I can concentrate on is the time I already wasted with her. Here she is, talkin' 'bout her own death like she's discussin' the weather. I can't imagine life without her, but I feel like I don't even know that much 'bout her. I mean, I know she likes singin', but what was her favorite song 'fore the turn? Where'd she even learn to sing like that? An' that's only one part of the whole. I need more time to get to know her an' to let her open me up.
The sweetest sound to ever fall on my ears breaks me away from my thoughts. She's laughin'. I chance a look back at her to see the shine's taken its course. Her eyes aren't as focused right now, her muscles are relaxed an' I bet she don't even know what she's laughin' at. She catches my stare an' gives me the most heartbreakin' smile I ever seen. My soul ignites, clenchin' my chest an' I swear she just cast her flames into my veins. I'm warm all over an' completely mesmerized by her.
I suggest we go inside. After a beat she says we should just burn the dump to the ground. It reminds me of the death of my mama. I think 'bout all she's said tonight. How we need to let go of our pasts 'fore they kill us. We need to remain who we are, not who we used to be. I pick myself an' my jar up off the floor an' look 'round. I don't need to bury my past. I need to light this bitch up an' burn the motherfucker to the ground. I no longer feel the need to hide within myself, my past only prevents me from movin' on. In a sick way, it's almost funny that a sweet, pretty girl could convince me to cast my demons back to the pits of hell in the middle of a world where the dead walk among us.
So we light the bitch up. Doused in shine, she goes up in a blaze of glory. Beth puts her middle finger up, her final Fuck you to her own pains. She smiles up at me an' nudges me to follow suit. It felt almost cleansin' to tell my old life to fuck off. I don't need my memories to push forward. All they ever did was was sink their hooks into my flesh an' tether me back to the darkness I so desperately sought to escape.
I shift my gaze back to Beth an' I'm rewarded with the most beautiful smile. For a second, I can't blame Zach or Jimmy for bein' so fuckin' nuts over the girl when they had her to themselves. They were probably caught in her fire as well; helplessly drawn to the pretty girl with the big, blue eyes an' a heart of gold. I imagine them facin' their deaths, how their last thoughts woulda been of her. In this moment, searchin' the depths of those eyes, I know I'd make my last thought of her. My last breath would be to speak her name for a final time.
If you told me this mornin' that I'd be sittin' on the front porch of some run down shine shack fallin' in over my head for Beth tonight, I woulda said you were crazy. But here I am. An' next to me is the girl I may have been waitin' for my whole life.