"San Cristobal?" Kim asked. "Why there?"

"Because that's where I was, Kim," Marlena said. "Because that's where they took me. Roman thinks we should go check it out and see if we can find any clues."

Kim felt uneasy at the breezy way Marlena was speaking. "Why not ask Shane to get the ISA to look into it? You were kidnapped, for god's sake. You have no idea what they might do if they catch you again."

"But I'll have Roman with me." Marlena smiled. "We both know it's dangerous, but we'll be careful." She stood up from the couch and walked over to the tea set to refill her cup. With her back to Kim, Marlena said, "This is something I just have to do. We can spend months trying to recover my memories through hypnosis, but I'm positive it will come back if we go to San Cristobal."

Kim knew better than to argue with Marlena. When her mind was made up, she could be just as stubborn as any of the Bradys. "So when will you go?"

Marlena shook her head. "I don't know yet. A week, maybe a little later. It depends when Roman can get away for a few days. I doubt we'll be gone long."

Kim hesitated for a minute, then asked, "What about Isabella?"

"It's hard," Marlena said. "'Awkward' may be the best word. Roman's confused, but he knows his place is with me."

"'Awkward' seems to be a running theme these days in Salem," Kim muttered.

Marlena chuckled slightly, turned and carried her cup back to the sofa, where she took a seat. "Now that I've told you about my plans, it's your turn."

"What do you mean?" Kim was confused. "I don't have plans."

"Okay, maybe 'plans' is not the right word, but you haven't told me what happened between you and Shane." Marlena gave Kim a sympathetic look. "Maybe it would help to talk about it."

Kim looked down to hide the fact that she was rolling her eyes. How many times had she gone over what happened with Shane in her head? She doubted telling the whole sordid mess to Marlena would help. But Kim also knew that Marlena would push. Might as well get it over with now.

Taking a sip of her tea, Kim looked up. "So what do you want to know?"

"Why don't you tell me what happened? Start from the beginning."

Kim fiddled with her tea cup. The beginning. What was the beginning really? She and Shane had issues during most of their relationship. There was her pregnancy and the uncertainty about whether Shane or Victor was Andrew's father, Andrew's kidnapping, Emma's murder, Gillian's attempt to kill Kim, Eve's arrival, Gabrielle turning out to be Eve's mother. . . . the loss of their little girl. Kim looked down. Even thinking about the last one was still hard. And, yet, it was just one in a long line of things they had to overcome.

The thought reminded her of that night at Donovan Manor when Shane had come home drunk. He had mentioned so many of those events and she had reminded herself of how things always seemed stacked against them. What's the blasted point of it all? Shane's words echoed in her head.

"Kim?" Marlena was watching her carefully.

"I'm sorry," Kim said. "It's just hard to figure out where to start. But I guess, really, after we renewed our vows, things were pretty good between us. Then Shane got this assignment. He didn't tell me what it was, but I could tell it was big, that it was dangerous. I could always tell by the way he pulled away from me before he left and how tense he'd get."

"I think I know what you mean." Marlena sighed. "Roman sometimes gets that way too."

Kim nodded. "I'm not really sure how far Shane got into the mission before he was caught. You see . . . he didn't realize that the man behind the plot he was investigating was an old friend that Shane knew through the ISA. Alfred Jericho." She spat his name out bitterly. "He held Shane captive for months and the ISA covered it up. They even faked phone calls from Shane so I'd think he was okay."

"And then something happened and you thought Shane was killed?" Marlena asked the question quietly, yet in a probing manner that was familiar to Kim. She used the same manner during her sessions with clients.

"Not exactly." Kim hesitated, as a flood of guilt wash over her. This was what she still did not really understand. "See . . . even before the explosion . . . there was Cal." The bitter tone returned. "Cal Winters. I assume Roman told you about Diana?" When Marlena nodded, Kim explained. "Cal had been a POW in Cambodia and was obsessed with Diana when he came to Salem. Well . . . I started to treat Cal and we became friends. He seemed so nice, and he was great with Andrew with Shane gone for so long on what I thought was his mission." How could I be duped like that? Kim asked herself. How could I have been so stupid?

"So Cal set things in motion even while you thought Shane was alive?" Marlena asked.

Kim realized her hands were shaking, so she set the cup down on the table before it spilled. "I was an idiot," she muttered. "And then Shane died - at least that's what everyone said. Steve and Kayla saw the explosion. They saw Shane fighting with Jericho on top of a cliff and then the entire mountain exploded." Kim tried to steady her hands. "There was no sign of him, but I saw it. . . . The entire mountain had collapsed. There was no way he could've survived."

Marlena reached over and squeezed Kim's hands. "I can imagine what it felt like. I remember when I heard Roman died on that island. On the one hand, I wanted to curl up and die. And on the other, I had the children to take care of. And I was so . . . so angry - at Bo for leaving Roman's body . . . at Shane for breaking his promise to send Roman home, and at Roman." She let out a sickly laugh. "I was mad at Roman for dying."

Kim understood exactly what Marlena was describing, but she had never let out that anger. She had vacillated between the pain of losing Shane and the numbness that overtook her as she moved on for Andrew and Eve's sake. Kim stood up and walked over to the window. "When Shane died, I felt like I'd lost everything. You'd been on your own before you met Roman. What was my life before Shane? I'd been a whore - a high-priced one, but still a whore."

She turned back and looked at Marlena, whose expression was a mix of sympathy and confusion.

"You don't have to look at me like that," Kim said. "I've accepted my past and I don't make excuses for it. It happened and I have to live with it." She looked again into the garden and saw Andrew with his new bodyguard and the irony hit her that life as a prostitute had been a lot less complex than it seemed now.

"Kim . . . I didn't mean to offend you." Marlena's voice was tinged with concern.

Kim nodded. "I know. It's just that I mention my past because I'd never really lived without men in my life. Ever since I was a child, I'd look to men to validate who I was." Turning again, Kim walked back to the sofa.

"You mean your father?" Marlena asked.

"Yes, in a way. I was his 'best and his brightest,' and that was a lot to live up to." Kim sighed. "Oh, maybe I'm just using my past as an excuse. All I was getting at is that, when I thought Shane had died, I'd never really been on my own. Suddenly, I was, and with two children - and Eve . . . you never met Shane's daughter, but she was more than a handful. . . ."

Marlena seemed to understand. "So you turned to Cal?"

"Yes . . . He was such a support when I needed someone, and everyone began to tell me that I needed to move on with my life." The guilt returned. "For the first week or two after Steve and Kayla told me about the explosion, I didn't believe it. I was sure that Shane was still alive. I told myself I'd have felt it if he were dead. We'd always had a connection like that. When Shane was shot in Stockholm and nearly died, I felt it, and I felt something around the time of the explosion; I just didn't feel like he was dead."

"But you moved on anyway," Marlena said, finishing Kim's thought. From her expression, Kim wondered if Marlena was thinking about Richard Cates, the man she first turned to after Roman, but who turned out to be almost as bad as Cal. Of course, it was months after Roman's "death" before Marlena began her relationship. "There's nothing wrong with that. You shouldn't feel guilty."

"Shouldn't I?" Kim asked, bitterly. "I let Cal take me to bed - in this house - only two months after Shane had died." She cringed inwardly at the memory, as she thought of the moment where she had let Cal remove her wedding and engagement rings. How could I have let him do that? She sighed again. "Looking back, I know why . . . I was afraid to be alone; I'd never lived without a man in my life and that's really the only way I felt like I was worth anything. But I can't blame Shane from wondering if I really loved him. How could I if I could move on so fast?"

"I'd give Shane more credit than that." Marlena smiled softly. "You went through a lot to be together. I can't believe Shane would ever doubt your love."

You're wrong about that, Kim thought. "You weren't here when he came back. Or I should say when he found his way back. He had no memory of who he was, but he had dreams about me and about this house . . . and what did he find when he got here?" Kim laughed slightly, but to her ears it sounded weak. "Me - in bed with Cal. Cal . . . who, it turned out, had been working with Jericho and had been at the mountain during the explosion. Cal, the psychopath who kidnapped me and tried to kill Shane. That's who I'd turned to."

Marlena frowned. "That was probably a lot for Shane to take in."

"That's probably the understatement of the century," Kim said. "For a moment, when Shane recovered his memory and he saved me from Cal, everything seemed like it was perfect. That was in March. . . . And then I found I was pregnant with Jeannie." Kim felt tears forming in her eyes. "She was Cal's, but how I could tell that to Shane? Not only had Cal taken his place, but now I was pregnant with Cal's little girl - the little girl Shane had always wanted. I was so scared, Marlena. I know it was stupid to try to hide it, but I didn't know how to tell him, and. . . ." She hated even the thought of what she said next. "So I lied. First, I lied about being pregnant altogether, and, then, I let Shane think he was the father."

"Oh, Kim. . . ."

"I know. I know. It was the worst thing I could've done." Her tone was matched by the bitter ache that Kim felt in her chest. "I can't really blame Shane for hating me when he found out. But he turned so cold, Marlena. I couldn't reach him at all. It was like sharing a house with a stranger. And then Cal found out about the baby, and threatened to seek visitation when he got out of jail. Shane couldn't live with that; I couldn't put him through that kind of pain. Even after he fixed it so Cal would be sent to Alaska, it still felt like I didn't have any options, so I left. . . ."

Ran away, really, was the honest way of putting it. The room fell silent for a long moment, as Kim thought about how she had slipped away from Steve and Kayla's wedding, and how she had planned on disappearing and leaving only a note behind. Wasn't that just like her? She had been afraid to be honest and up-front with Shane. But he had figured out that she was up to something, and it had led to one last confrontation.

With a rueful shake of her head, Kim sighed. "The rest, I think you know. I came back and found Shane with Kayla. I couldn't really blame them for moving on. . . . Not after what they'd both been through. . . ."

"But you still love Shane," Marlena said, pointing out the obvious.

The tears were coming back, and Kim tried unsuccessfully to fight them. "Oh, God, Marlena, I love him so much and I know he still loves me. . . ." She swallowed hard, even as she began to sob. "I just hurt him so much, and. . . ."

Before Kim realized it, Marlena was standing next to her and pulling her into a hug. Kim tried to stop herself from completely losing it, but she failed. She cried wordlessly on Marlena's shoulder until the tears ran out. When she finally was able to stop sobbing, Kim looked up and saw that Marlena was looking at the door. For an instant, Kim panicked, fearing that Shane had come back and witnessed the scene, but when she looked at the door, she only saw her brother, who shifted uncomfortably in the doorway. Kim quickly pulled away from Marlena and wiped the last remnants of her tears from her cheeks.

"Sorry," she said. "I . . . I don't know what came over me."

Roman gave her a crooked smile as he walked into the room. He gave Marlena a quick glance, and she stepped away, so Roman could take her place next to Kim. Roman pulled her into another embrace, which threatened to start the tears flowing again. As Kim closed her eyes and pressed her head against his shoulder, he whispered. "Don't be sorry, Sis. Don't ever be sorry."

"Roman's right," Marlena said. "You made mistakes, Kim, but that doesn't mean you can't be happy again. We're going to do everything to help you."

"Yeah," Roman echoed. "No matter what it takes, we're going to make sure that pig-headed Englishman figures out just how stupid he's being." He let Kim pull away and she saw his smile as he looked down at her. "Look at what Marlena and I've gotten back. Anything's possible, Kimmie."

Kim leaned back into Roman's embrace and closed her eyes tightly. If only it were that easy, she thought. If only it were that easy to get things back.