Triggers as last chapter

….

Kay had been waiting at the gate and let the paramedics in. They saw what was happening asked what he had taken. The paramedics quickly administered Narcan to counter the effects of the strong painkillers that were making his breathing rate so slow. And as he was totally unconscious quickly passed an endotracteal tube into his windpipe to maintain and protect his airway in case he vomited. Merlin was quickly loaded into the ambulance. Gwaine went with him with the remains of the drugs that had been found on the floor he also had Merlin's suicide notes in his pocket.

Mithian phoned Leon, who she knew was going to be with Arthur for the parole board meeting. The two men had just left the building. As soon as Mithian told Leon what had happened they set off to Stoke Mandeville once again. Arthur was shocked and scared by the news; he never thought Merlin would try to kill himself. Kay in the meantime went to find Hunith who had gone down to the village; as soon as he had located her they followed on to the hospital.

The ambulance went all the way on blue light. The paramedics knew the quicker they got Merlin to hospital the better his chances of recovery. As soon as Merlin arrived in A&E he was given activated charcoal to help stop the absorption of the drugs and taken to ITU where he was ventilated.

Gwaine was sat waiting for news; he was upset that he hadn't noticed what Merlin was up to. He thought he knew Merlin's moods after all this time. Gwaine knew he would never forgive himself if Merlin didn't survive. As he sat there he opened the letter Merlin had written him, hoping to understand:

Dear Gwaine,

I'm sorry I did this to you, but I knew about the parole board, and couldn't face the fact that they would be free once more. I know I have let you all down, but then you must be used to that by now.

Thank you for all your help and love, I do love you like the brother I never had. I don't know what I would have done without you these past years. I also know what I have done will upset you, but its better this way I promise. I have ruined so many lives and it is time you all got your lives back.

I have one more request for you: please look after Mum and Arthur for me and make sure they both understand that I loved them both with all my heart. Give Isolde and Finna cuddles for me and make sure they get good homes if Arthur feels he can't keep them.

One last thing, sometime ago I spoke to Leon and have left you something; I knew this day would come. Please accept it, as it is something I wanted to do for you and Mithian. Don't blame yourself, if I could have done my last act without you on duty I would have. I planned well and you could not have stopped me. I should have done this years ago, but I was too much of a coward. Please don't feel too badly of me but I need for this to end.

All my love my best friend and brother.

Merlin.

Gwaine read the letter and tears fell freely. He hoped against all hope that Merlin would survive and he could tell Merlin that he loved him. But he also felt he had let Merlin down and not the other way round. Why hadn't he known what Merlin was up to that morning?

He was sat outside the cubicle in A&E when Hunith and Kay arrived with a nurse. Hunith saw his tears and thought she was too late and sobbed. Seeing her distress he quickly told her that Merlin was alive, but that he had been reading the letter Merlin had left him. He told Hunith he had a letter of her, she asked him to keep it as she would only read it if he didn't make it. They sat in silence waiting lost in their own thoughts.

After about half an hour Merlin was transferred to ITU where he would be fully ventilated and closely monitored until he regained consciousness. Soon afterwards Arthur and Leon arrived. The nurse had just come out to say they could go to see Merlin so Hunith, Arthur and Gwaine went in.

Arthur walked up to the bed and took Merlin's hand.

"Oh you fool, you should have waited, they weren't let out…you idiot, why did you do this. My love don't die I can't live without you." Arthur broke down in tears unable to contain his self anymore.

The nurse came forward and put her hand on his shoulder. "The doctors will speak to you as soon as you're ready. Take your time."

Arthur stayed until he managed to regain some control, but he wanted to know the news so they all left to go to speak to the medical staff.

The doctor told them that due to Gwaine and Mithian's actions, and the fast arrival at hospital, they felt that Merlin had a very good chance of surviving without any organ damage. The fact that Merlin had used water and not alcohol to take the tablets had also helped. Merlin would be monitored for twenty four hours and once the effects of the drugs had worn off he would be taken off the ventilator provide he was well enough.

He would then be seen by a physiatrist to see what further action they suggested. Arthur gave them Dr Kilgarrah's name and number. They went back and sat by the bedside until that evening, when it was suggested they go home to get some rest. Arthur wanted to stay but the others convinced him to go home. Hunith tried to get Arthur understand it wasn't his fault and that Merlin wouldn't want him to blame his self, but she was also feeling guilty that she hadn't noticed anything. In the end they all sat and cried. Leon had called Morgana and told he what had happened and she arrived once she had taken Miranda to stay with Gwen. None of them could believe Merlin had been able to fool them.

Gwaine gave Arthur Merlin's letter but he didn't open it. The next morning Gwaine and Arthur were seen by the local police and interviewed. They explained what had happened and why. The police left after expressing their sympathies. With that the two men joined Hunith and Morgana at the bedside. After awhile they left leaving Arthur alone with his husband. Arthur held Merlin's hand and kept talking to him. Afterwards he couldn't remember what he said but he figured it didn't matter he just wanted Merlin to hear his voice if he could.

As Merlin began to wake, Arthur stayed with him. Once Merlin realised he had failed he started to cry. Arthur told him that none of his kidnappers were free and that he just wanted Merlin to get better. He told Merlin he loved him and nothing mattered as long as they were together. After some tests Merlin was taken of the ventilator and Arthur hugged him not wanting to let go. Hunith and Gwaine came in and saw Merlin for a short visit. Later that day Dr Kilgarrah came to see Merlin they spent several hours talking before Dr Kilgarrah spoke to Arthur, Hunith and Gwaine.

"Merlin has given me permission to talk freely to you all. He deeply regrets his actions but at the time saw no other option, at the moment he feels he is ruining your lives. He has said he would like you to read the letters he wrote, as they will tell you his reasons why he did what he did. He thinks the letters will tell you better than he can." Arthur nodded. Hunith said no she wouldn't read hers she didn't need to.

"This was not a cry for help; Merlin thought he wouldn't be found until it was too late. However having fully assessed and despite his comments I don't consider he needs to be inpatient for psychiatric treatment. He had a very good support network at home. I will arrange for the crisis team to visit him when he is discharged from here and I will visit him at home. He will also be assigned a Community Psychiatric Nurse. You will need to keep a careful eye on him as well. Are you happy with my plan?"

Arthur was the first to talk. "Do you think he will try again?"

"No I don't but we must all be careful, the trigger of the parole board has been removed but it hasn't completely gone away, so we need to be vigilant. If I thought he was high risk I would section him but don't think that's necessary. Don't worry Arthur you will have plenty of support."

Gwaine asked if Merlin would need to be watched all the time.

"Yes to start with, but it's because you have a full team that I feel he would be best at home. Arthur you also need to make sure that all the medications are locked up, just to remove that risk." He paused.

"One other thing I think I should make clear to you all is what a good job you have done so far with Merlin. He was severely traumatised, both physically and mentally by his period of captivity. When I first met Merlin I didn't think you would be able to cope with him at home, I fully expected him to have to be admitted, perhaps permanently, into an institution. I was also surprised that he didn't try something like this early on in his recovery."

Arthur went pale and looked at Hunith and Gwaine. The psychiatrist continued:

"It is through your love and support he has done so well. I think we all realise that Merlin will never be the person he once was but, you have given him a meaningful and mostly happy life, so don't blame yourselves now."

Hunith spoke for the first time. "Thank you for that Doctor, I sometimes think we don't realise how far Merlin has come."

Dr Kilgarrah stood up "Arthur I would like to speak to you alone if I may. If anyone else wishes to speak to me privately we can either sort something out now or I will see you once Merlin gets home." With that he took Arthur into a side room. Dr Kilgarrah wanted to make sure Arthur had all the support he needed as he didn't want the blonde man to sink into depression himself once more. Arthur agreed to speak to his counsellor and the doctor said he would arrange a home visit for him.

With that he left. Merlin was taken to a general ward the next day and three days later he was deemed fit to go home. He would need regular blood tests but these would be arranged by the General Practitioner. In the mean time Arthur and Hunith made sure they collected up all the medications and Gwaine put a lock on one of the kitchen cabinets. They decided on the kitchen as there was nearly always someone in there during the day and at night Merlin would have to pass the bodyguards office.

Merlin was very ashamed of himself and he needed lots of reassurance by everyone when he saw them. Hunith still refused to read her letter. She said it made no difference to her. She knew her son and that was good enough. The day after Merlin was taken of the ventilator Arthur found a quiet spot in the hospital grounds well away from everyone to read his letter.

Dearest Arthur,

Please understand my actions were in no way yours or anyone else's fault but my own. I love you more than you could possibly know. You are the only thing that has kept me going until now. Before you I thought I knew what love was, but I was wrong. You are everything to me, more important than you will ever understand.

I realise that the years since that awful time have been hard on you, and for that I'm sorry I should have made everyone's life easier, and given up long before I was rescued, it would have saved you all so much grief. But at the time I couldn't see that. I just wanted to prove they couldn't beat me, to proud I guess. You however have been my rock and have looked after me in a way I could never have dreamed of.

Yet in return, I have ruined you life, even separating you from your father and uncle, although I know you always found your dad difficult. And then being such a fool with all my nightmares and panic attacks. These were my mind telling me that I was wrong, wrong to myself and everyone else. I even caused you to suffer from depression, something I find hard to bear knowing I had caused you that much stress. Your dad was right you know, in what he said that day, I had been telling myself all those things for years. But I was too much of a coward to end it all.

When I was given my compensation I spoke to Leon and asked him to arrange some requests I hope you don't mind but I know you won't want the money.

Mum- if you sell the bungalow and I hope you don't but understand if it's too many memories to keep. She is to have a nice place somewhere. Please keep an eye on her.

Gwaine and Mithian- pay off their mortgage; Gwaine is my brother and has helped me so much. Oh and don't blame him I had everything well planned. Can you try to make sure he doesn't blame himself.

Percy and Freya- Use some of my money so they can own their cottage

Gwen and Lance- same for them.

The rest to be split between the rest of the bodyguards and Morgana and Leon.

In the bottom draw of my bedside table is a present each for the children. Please give them one each on their eighteenth birthday. I hope they always think kindly of me.

Also if you don't want to keep Isolde and Finna please make sure they get good homes. I love them both deeply and they won't understand where I have gone.

As I said Leon knows all this although he had no idea what I was going to do. Nor did I at the time but made the arrangements as I felt I needed to plan ahead. As I have hardly touched the money it should be enough for everything.

To you I leave my everlasting love and I hope along the way I gave you some happiness.

My last request is that you don't blame yourself, you did everything I could have asked for. Find someone else and be happy please.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND ALWAYS HAVE.

IT HURTS TO LEAVE YOU! You Pratt.

My love, my everything, my strength, my all. Goodbye my darling.

Your idiot, Merlin.

Arthur read the letter but by the end he was crying unable to stop. He sat there for over an hour. When he stood up he didn't care who saw him. He was glad he had read the letter; he knew Merlin wouldn't have been able to be so honest about his feeling directly to him. It also made him angry, angry at Merlin, himself, Uther and Agravaine and angry at life but mostly angry at the people who had kidnapped Merlin.

He would need to think this through later but it was worth reading to know that Merlin loved him so much. Yes he knew his husband loved him, but to see it written like that was heart breaking. They still had so much to live for, together.

He went to see Merlin and as soon as he went into the room he hugged his husband like he never had before, forgetting for the first time in years not to touch his husbands back. But Merlin didn't seem to notice he just hugged Arthur the raw emotion carrying them both along.