Merlin was being discharged, Arthur and two of the bodyguards travelled with him. Merlin was very quiet not saying a word all the way home. Isolde and Finna greeted Merlin like he had been away for weeks and wouldn't leave his side. Merlin felt ashamed of what he had put everyone through but they were all too pleased to see him to say anything. That afternoon his Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) arrived too see Merlin. He was a man in his early fifties as tall as Merlin with grey hair and a kindly face.
"Hello I am Iseldir Llewellyn but you can call me Ise if you prefer. I will be your CPN." He shook hands with both Merlin and Arthur. They sat and talked together and Iseldir explained he would visit every day for the next week then once a week. But if either Merlin or Arthur needed him he would leave his phone number.
"I am a member of the crisis team but I do also have a few other clients and I have been asked by Dr Kilgarrah to look after you long term. I hope this meets with your approval. If not we can find someone else for you but for now let's see how we get on."
Merlin felt at ease with Iseldir and Arthur left them to talk. Iseldir sat with Merlin for over an hour and Merlin felt slightly better once they had finished. The CPN then said he wanted to talk to Arthur, he explained to Merlin that Dr Kilgarrah had also asked him to keep an eye on Arthur as well. This pleased Merlin as he worried that his husband might become unwell after Merlin recent actions.
Arthur and Iseldir spoke for a further half an hour before the CPN left promising to come back the next morning.
The next few days the CPN visited every day and spent time with Merlin discussing his feelings and helping to support him. Merlin seemed to trust the other man and was able to slowly open up. Iseldir soon realised that Merlin had been hiding his low moods from his family for some time and this had added to the intensity of his reaction to the parole hearings. Merlin in trying to protect others had made his own position worse. Iseldir was working with Merlin to get him to open up and admit to his carers when he wasn't coping. He realised that Merlin needed long term help. After talking some more to Arthur he also realised that Arthur had also been trying to protect Merlin. He would have to try to get both men to open up more to each other.
Iseldir also spoke to Gwaine and Hunith and helped them to identify where they could help both men. The CPN was impressed with the support structure in the house soon realising that all the staff were part of the caring team.
For first few weeks Merlin was never left alone for a moment. He hated it but understood. Dr Kilgarrah also visited regularly until he was happy that the crisis had passed. But he insisted that Arthur go back to his group sessions for awhile, so he had support as well as Merlin. Arthur and Merlin had a couple of sessions with both the Psychiatrist and CPN to help them to realise they needed to talk more about their feelings. And for the first time Arthur and Merlin started to talk through things honestly and openly without hiding their worries from each other. Arthur tried to forget he was barrister and his father's son and talked about his feelings not only to Merlin but to Morgana, Leon and Gwaine. Merlin tried to stop himself taking the blame for everything and started to share some of the worries in his head, although he still wouldn't open up about his treatment during his kidnap.
Merlin's nightmares started again but Iseldir felt that this might be a good thing as it was allowing him to work through of some of his anxieties that he was unable to talk about. Merlin however wasn't being totally honest with anyone. He was feeling increasingly guilty about his failed suicide attempt. Not because he had tried but because he had failed. He had had enough, but knew that if he tried again he would cause more pain and hurt to others.
Merlin was becoming more reluctant to get up in the mornings and when he did Gwaine had to really push him into going into the pool and the gym just didn't happen. He just wanted to sit around. Even getting him out with the dogs was becoming an effort. He also started to lose his appetite and this was causing problems as Merlin was losing weight he could ill afford. Iseldir spent some time with him and contacted Dr Kilgarrah. When Merlin started to sink into his black pit Gwaine made more effort to talk to him and tried other things to help divert his mind by trying to get him doing Puzzles and games.
The psychiatric team suggested Merlin should see his general practitioner in case there was an organic cause. Merlin ended up having several tests before a diagnosis of Adult Failure to Thrive was decided upon. Dr Kilgarrah changed his medications and the CPN made more regular visits. Gwen started to offer Merlin small snacks during the day and high protein drinks but he didn't seem to want to eat. Gwen also tried to get Merlin cooking more, getting him to make Arthurs favourites. Hunith also played her part getting both Merlin and Arthur out in the garden dead heading and weeding seemed to help calm Merlin, where getting Arthur doing the heavier work seemed to help him more. They all found it hard work but kept trying. The children were also involved Merlin loved to see him William and Penny brought over their computer games and managed to get him to play for short periods. The team also made sure Merlin went out with the dogs and met up with other dog walkers to help to get him meeting more people other than his carers. The two dogs helped everyone. Gradually Merlin improved and slowly started to take more of an interest in life.
Eight months after the suicide attempt and once Merlin started to improve Leon took Arthur away for a few days to watch the cricket at Lords. Iseldir suggested a break would be a good idea. Arthur stayed at Leon and Morgana house. It had taken a combined effort on everyone's part to get him to go, but the break did him good. He came back refreshed and more able to cope. Merlin was having more black periods even though they were of shorter duration.
Later that year they all went off on another Canal holiday. Arthur had suggested they hire a cottage but Merlin wanted to go on the barge as he knew the dogs loved it. So that's what they did. This time they could only get the barges for a week but it gave them enough of a break. Arthur continued with his support group when he felt the stress beginning to build but never again allowed it to take over his life.
It was two years before next parole board was due to sit Arthur informed everyone and Merlin was kept informed at all stages and again was watched carefully. Iseldir and Dr Kilgarrah kept a close eye on Merlin for signs of any suicidal thoughts. Iseldir was still visiting at least every two weeks. Arthur made sure he kept an eye on Merlin to make sure he didn't start to lose weight once more. Since the suicide attempt and his episode of Failure to Thrive Merlin was considered more at risk than before and no one was taking any chances. Once more all parole requests were turned down.
Three years after Merlin's suicide attempt he was sitting on the settee one afternoon with both his dogs sitting by his side Isolde had her head on his knee. They had been sat there for some time Merlin was dozing as the sunshine poured through the window. Arthur came in with a cup of coffee for his husband. Arthur shook Merlin's shoulder to wake him up.
"Come on dozy, take your drink." Merlin opened one eye and looked up.
"Oh must I, we're comfortable here." He grinned, moving slightly he went to move Isolde's head not wanting to risk spilling his hot coffee on her. As soon as his hand touched her he knew. His eyes went wide and Arthur immediately asked what the matter was. Merlin touched Isolde's side.
"She's dead, oh Arthur she's dead" Tears started to fall.
Arthur put the coffee down on the table and checked the small dog. By now Finna was awake and had jumped down as if she also knew.
"Sorry love, she is, but she went peacefully, were she was most happy." Arthur went to pick Isolde up but Merlin stopped him,
"Let her stay there for a minute, let me say goodbye" Merlin stroked his friend, she was eighteen years old and accept for being a bit deaf and grey around the nose she had been well. After about half an hour Merlin let Arthur pick her up and place her body on her bed near the window.
Arthur had to fight to stop the tears, he turned and cuddled Merlin and Finna went to sniff her friend then jumped up as if to comfort Merlin. They all stayed there sharing their grief. Percy came in as he did his rounds and spotted what was going on. He had a quiet word with Arthur to confirm his suspicions. Percy was very fond of Isolde and went and said his goodbyes, unshed years in his eyes. He then sat with Merlin while Arthur left the room.
Arthur rang Iseldir and told him as he was sure Merlin would have difficulties coping. He then went and told Gwen in the kitchen. After he went back to Merlin Gwen went across and told Gwaine who was out in his garden. Gwaine came across to see if Merlin wanted anything.
Later Arthur asked Merlin if he wanted Isolde buried in the garden. Merlin decided he wanted her place under the apple tree. Arthur left Merlin hugging Finna as he took the small body outside. Percy started to dig the grave be was nearly as upset as Merlin. Gwaine had told William and he came across to see Isolde before she was wrapped in her favourite blanket. They all stood and watched as Isolde's body was laid to rest. Hunith came and stood one side of Merlin and Arthur the other side supporting him in his grief. Merlin sat by the grave for several hours with Arthur until the older man made Merlin go indoors. Iseldir called in and briefly spoke to Merlin promising to come back in the morning. That night Merlin cried himself to sleep. He had known she couldn't live forever but it was still a shock for him.