People musta heard Abraham shoutin' at us, 'cause now they're all outta bed. I just wanna be alone with Beth. After what we just went through, I need to know she's alright. Abraham tells everyone that the attacker's been killed. Questions buzz through the air like hornets. I have more important shit to deal with.
I tell Rick we can go over everything in the mornin'. That I needa fuckin' sleep. We make our way to the back of the SUV an' I can hear them all tryin' to figure out what the fuck happened. Abraham gives 'em what he knows. My focus is on Beth. She hasn't said a word since we left the bushes. I have to make sure she's okay.
She takes me by surprise when she pushes me down to the floor soon's I open the door. I hear it close behind us. On hands an' knees, she moves her way up my legs 'til she straddles me. She's workin' at my buckle.
This is wrong.
I pull on her hands. They slip under my shirt. Her fingers dig into my flesh as she drags them back down. I hiss through my teeth. She grabs at my vest an' tugs on it.
"Off."
I'm propped up on my elbows when I push myself up. She's still in my lap. I pull off my vest as she unbuttons my flannel, pullin' it open an' pushin' it off my shoulders. I throw that over with the vest.
We're goin' too fast.
Her hands are flat against my chest when she shoves me back down. I look up at her when she leans over me. Her lips fall just over my heart. Then they slowly trail to the other side, an' her tongue flicks over my nipple. I groan. My hand's in her hair, holdin' her to me. I feel her lips graze over my chest. They skim down my stomach 'til she gets to my pants.
We can't do this.
She sits back up. Undoes my buckle. Her fingers grasp the bottom of her shirt. I watch as she slowly pulls it up. I'm frozen beneath her. The pale skin of her stomach shines in the moonlight, she's just pulled it past her ribs.
Stop.
My hands close 'round her wrists. Her expression changes from lust, to confusion, to hurt. She won't look me in the eyes as she speaks.
"Don't you want this?"
What can I say to that? I want this but not in the back of a fuckin' vehicle? Not after a man just held a gun to your fuckin' head? My brain an' my heart are barely touchin' the same wavelength. My body's on a whole different frequency. She shifts in my lap an' the friction nearly kills me. I bite down on my lip to muffle the moan. Doesn't matter. She caught it.
"Obviously I'm not the only one that wants this, Daryl." She purposefully rubs against me this time. I'm not fast enough to contain the moan, now. My hands grab her hips an' hold her in place. For fuck's sake. There's only so long I can control myself.
"Is tonight really the night for this? After what just happened?" I don't mean to sound harsh. But I have to make her stop. She lets out a humorless laugh. She's agitated.
"Shouldn't this be the other way 'round? Aren't you supposed to be the one tryin' to get in my pants? Well, I figure since the world's at an end an' death faces us at every freakin' turn, why not? I told you yesterday. I'm not dyin' a virgin."
Is that what this is? Another fuckin' quest like the booze run? I feel like I been dunked in a tub of ice water. I sit upright, an' lift her offa me. Now we're facin' each other.
"That what this is to you? Somethin' else to cross off your 'I Never' list?" I can't mask the pain in my voice.
"Don't put words in my mouth, Daryl. That's not what I said. If it was somethin' to do just to pass the time, I would've given in to Zach the first time he asked me at the prison. I'm not after sex. I cared about Zach an' Jimmy, but it wasn't enough to go that far. I needed it to mean somethin' to me. Of everything this crappy world has taken from me, I can't let it rob me of that, too. Don't you want me?" Her eyes burn into mine.
She wants love. An' she's makin' it clear that she wants my love. I want this. More than I'm willin' to admit to her at the moment. But I do want this over everything else. I have to shift the odds in my favor. I'll compromise.
"Course I want you. But not like this. Don't think you're the only one that this means somethin' to. This is new to both of us. Is it such a fuckin' surprise that I want the first time with you to be more than just sex?"
Whatever the answer, she ain't mad no more. Her blush travels down her chest. There's a small smile workin' at the corners of her mouth. I'll never understand this girl.
"So it's agreed? We're really gonna do this?" I roll my eyes to the ceilin' at her response. She didn't answer my question. Fuck it. An exasperated sigh cuts through my lips as I speak.
"Yeah. But not here an' now. Let me do the first time right. After that, I'll fuck you anywhere an' anyway you want. Just give me the first time." I didn't wanna sound like such an animal, but there ain't no point in sugarin' it up. She seems drawn to the darker side of me, anyways. Reminds me that I need to show more of the lighter parts. Her voice is quiet when she finally speaks.
"Deal."
I hate that this feels like some fuckin' wager. I need us to get back on track with where I want us to be. I lay back down, she curls up at my side.
"Daryl?"
"Hmm?"
"Wanna talk?"
I laugh. We just went over an arrangement for sex, an' she wants to talk. I can't imagine what she has to say, but I'll take any distraction right now with her pressed against me. My control hangs by a fuckin' thread. I tell her we can talk.
"What changed your mind?" I'm not sure what she means. My face must give that away 'cause she continues. "This afternoon, out in the woods. I was so sure we were gonna go through with it. You looked pretty ready to me. Now you wanna wait. What changed your mind?"
I think 'bout that for a minute. She's right. I know that. I had all lights on go when I laid her down in the dirt. But somethin' did change my mind. I'm almost thankful we heard the shots so it gave me an excuse to stop.
"You told me you loved me."
My voice's huskier than I'd like. She sits up now. Her face glows in the light of the moon an' I'm happy the clouds are gone. She's so fuckin' beautiful sittin' next to me. She lets out a small laugh an' wipes at her eye. But it's been eatin' away at me. I want an honest answer, so I come right out an' ask her.
"What changed your mind 'bout waitin'?" I chew on the inside of my cheek while I wait for her to speak. Her hand reaches mine. She knots our fingers together.
"I fell in love with you."
It's the answer I'd hoped for. I sit up next to her, brush her hair behind her ear. My hand slides down to hold her face. She relaxes into my palm. When I lean in to kiss her, it's gentle. Slow. Even when she opens her mouth to me, my tongue moves in slow strokes over hers. I never thought I'd be the type to wanna take it steady. But here I am. I raise my other hand to her face, my thumb trails over her jaw, down her throat. I run it back up again, brush her warm cheek. I breathe against her lips.
"I love you, Beth." My mouth's fully on hers again. She gasps when I bite down on her lip. A whimper slips outta her throat. I pull back an' take in every feature of her face. She laughs.
"Shh. Hear that?" I strain my ears to pick up whatever she hears. Moans. Jesus. After everything else, now there's walkers. I tense up an' her hand grabs my arm.
"Relax. It's Maggie an' Glenn."
"You've gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me." She falls back on the floor gigglin'. I don't see what's so funny. I really don't wanna listen to this shit.
"Ain't it weird? Havin' to hear Glenn givin' it to your sister?" Her face twists up at my words. But she laughs again when she answers.
"I shared a cell next to them for months, remember? Even cement walls couldn't protect me from them. Of course I can hear them through the car." We both laugh now. Layin' on our backs, hands together. It feels right. Given all the shit we've been through together, it finally feels good to just relax. Even if it's only for a moment.
"So, are we a thing now, Daryl?" She sounds shy, like it ain't somethin' she wanted to ask me. I don't know how I should answer that.
"A thing?"
"You know. Am I your girlfriend? Are we goin' steady?" I want to laugh, but the tone in her voice is almost sad. Like she doesn't know what we're doin' or where we go from here. Makes two of us.
"I don't think there's such a thing as goin' steady anymore."
"What do you call Maggie an' Glenn, then?" That's what this is. She's seen what the two of them have together. They love each other. It's annoyin' an' obvious to the rest of us. Always hangin' all over each other.
"Lovestruck idiots."
"Very funny. So, if I'm not your girlfriend, what would you call me?"
Girlfriend? I've never had a girlfriend in all my life. I remember the drugged out whores Merle would date from time to time. He might've called them girlfriends. They were just a buncha broads that came over to get high an' pass out in his bed, far's I'm concerned.
Maybe it's 'cause I don't wanna put us in the same category as Merle an' his women. An' Maggie an' Glenn are married, so to speak. We ain't that either. I think 'bout that. 'Bout what we could eventually be. How I could tell her I wanna spend the rest of my life with her. It's kinda stupid, the world gone to shit an' all. But I can see myself askin' her. Imagine the look on her face while I wait for an answer. In my mind, she'd say yes. I could go into kids an' a house an' shit, but that kinda life doesn't exist no more.
Life's fucked us. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Before the turn, we woulda never met. Never even known each other existed. She woulda gone off to college, had a real weddin', kids. I woulda never gotten outta Merle's shadow. I'd either still be driftin' alongside him or dead. I sure as shit wouldn't be wrapped up in thoughts 'bout lovin' some girl.
After the turn, we were brought together. We opened each other up. Helped each other get by. But there's no fuckin' happily ever after for anybody anymore. Glenn an' Maggie are together, but they ain't ever gonna have a kid. How could they? We're always on the run. What hope does that leave for the two of us? For anybody? We just go along, day by day. All we can do is make the best of each day we get.
I think 'bout the question. I could call her my girlfriend. It just doesn't seem right. It ain't good enough to describe this. That's an old world term. I need somethin' that speaks to the world we inherited here. There's only one word I can think of to get 'cross what she is to me.
"Mine."
She wraps her arm 'round my chest. There's been a strong shift in us, I can feel it in the air.
"I've never discussed my virginity with a guy before." She wants to play her game, try to lighten the mood. I can play along.
"I've never stayed up all fuckin' night talkin' to a girl." She smiles at me. Guess I can't use that one anymore.
"I've never had a guy call me a pet name." I can't hold back my snort.
"What? Like Sparky or Fido or somethin'?" She laughs back at me. I see her eyes roll.
"No! A pet name. A term of endearment? Like callin' a girl 'Baby' when you talk to her." Now it's my turn to roll my eyes.
"Ain't it a little sick for a man to call a girl Baby when he's nearly twice her age?" Her laugh fills the whole space.
"Alright, alright. Bad example. What about somethin' sweeter? Like Darlin'? That's a good one, right?" This is so dumb. I never understood people nicknamin' each other. But it seems to be somethin' she likes. I feel like I could give it a try. For her.
"Whatever you say, Darlin'." She bites at her lip.
"Yeah. You can call me that anytime. I like that a lot." I laugh at her. What a weird girl. Her voice's gentle when she speaks again.
"I never thought I'd find love at the end of the world."
What she says warms me. I know how she feels. We've been in this together since the beginnin'. She curls tighter into my arms, her eyes flutter up to me. My lips press to her forehead as I whisper to her.
"I never thought I'd find love."
She holds me tighter, lets out a sweet sigh. Her eyes slowly close, breathin' evens out. My lips move to her hair.
"Night, Darlin'."