"I never went dancin' in the rain."
I watched as she ran out into the storm, droppin' her sweater on the ground at my feet. Pack, too. There she was, spinnin' 'round in the freezin' rain in nothin' but her jeans an' shirt. Crazy fuckin' girl.
"Beth's always been a bit of a free spirit." I turned to see Maggie walkin' up to me, her eyes focused on her sister. Pride was spread 'cross her face. I knocked off some of the ash from my cigarette.
"If she ain't struck by lightenin' first, she'll fuckin' freeze out there."
"You're very protective of her." She hadn't been askin' me a question. She stated it as a fact. I kept my sight on Beth.
"Somethin' like that."
Beth's eyes locked on mine. Her clothes were soaked an' stuck tight to her skin, her hair dripped down below her shoulders. She's the strangest fuckin' girl I ever met. Crazy as hell, too. But I couldn't take my eyes offa her. She wiped away the water from her face, flashed my favorite smile an' held her hand out to me.
"Dance with me."
I ain't ever danced. Not with no one. I couldn't dance even if I tried. I shook my head no an' told her I don't dance. When she told me to go out an' stand in the rain with her, I stood still. Maggie laughed.
"Don't be such a hardass, Daryl. Nobody will think any less of your tough, redneck image if you go out to her." She walked away smilin' at me. I heard the others at my back, all pickin' stalls an' spots to sleep. They were too busy to focus on whatever we were doin'. Even if they weren't, it wouldn't matter to me. Beth's face fell a little, but she still gave me a small smile as she lowered her arm.
I've never understood romance in all my life. The kind where people would crawl 'cross broken glass just to be next to a person. When the world turned, I'd been grateful that I never once had those types of feelin's. Even bein' with the group made me realize how lucky I was to never feel anything so strong. The way Rick lost his mind over Lori, how The Governor used threatenin' Glenn to get Maggie to talk an' the way Tyrese reacted to Karen's death. I ain't ever thought I'd have those kinda feelin's 'bout no other livin' person. It was too much to lose when you made someone your whole life. But, as I looked out to her, I knew she was worth the risk. I took a long drag of my cigarette an' flicked it to the wet ground.
"Fuck it."
I stepped out into the rain, it was ice against my skin. Her whole face lit up then an' she ran to me. Holdin' her in my arms, rain soakin' through our clothes, I felt more alive than I had in days. I brushed the wet hair from her eyes as she looked down at me. As we kissed in the middle of that fuckin' storm I thought of how much I loved the crazy, strange girl who fights so hard to bring out the best in me.
"Daryl? You guys up there?"
Carol's voice is at the ladder. Beth quickly gets up off me an' grabs her clothes. I sit up as she tosses me my shirt an' vest. I can feel my face burn thinkin' how I shoulda known better than to think we could do this here. I stand to pull my jeans up my hips an' the friction nearly kills me. Fuck.
I try to sound normal when I shout down to her. "Yeah. Just findin' a place to sleep." I glance over to Beth as she struggles to pull her wet jeans up her legs. She whispers to me to head down the ladder to stop Carol from comin' up. I nod to her, tell her to wait for me here, an' make my way over to the ledge.
"Hold up. I'm comin' down."
When my feet hit the dirt I turn to face her. She looks up to the loft then back down at me with a knowin' smirk on her face. Son of a bitch.
"A place to sleep, huh?" She shoves my shoulder. I roll my eyes at her an' tell her to stop. She moves closer to me, her voice is low.
"I'd redo that buckle if I were you."
Fuck. I quickly fix it an' glare at her, but I can't stay mad. She's always teased me like that. It's like the way Michonne jokes with me. I follow her to the open door an' she leans back against it. I take the opposite side, cross my arms over my chest an' kick one leg back on the frame. I look out into the field, wonderin' what my chances would be at rabbits an' birds, when she speaks to me.
"So, you and Beth?" Shoulda known it'd lead to somethin' like this. I just nod.
"When'd that happen?" I turn to face her. She's still smilin' at me, so I know she ain't tryin' to start shit. I shrug.
"We left the prison together. Sorta just...happened."
"Cut it out. Something like that doesn't just happen. I'm just curious. I always thought you'd remain the eternal apocalyptic bachelor. I'm gone a few weeks and come back to you holding hands and finding sleeping spots with Beth. Obviously something changed your mind."
I know she was right. I just wasn't entirely comfortable talkin' 'bout it. I'm glad I made this connection with Beth. I can see how me bein' stupidly in love with her could raise questions. This whole time since the others found out, I never once considered explainin' myself or us. The only person I thought deserved that was Maggie. Even then I wasn't open. Carol's a good friend to me. 'Side from Rick, she was the closest I had for a long while. It feels wrong to not tell her.
"She did."
Carol's face lights up, even if it weren't the fuckin' speech she'd probably hoped for. It was a good enough answer to her. I wanna change the subject from me. I ain't ever been fond of no attention. 'Sides, there's somethin' I been meanin' to ask her. I lower my voice.
"You plan on tellin' Tyrese?" I don't need to explain, she knows damn well what I mean. She stops smilin'.
"Already did." I can't hide the surprise at hearin' that. I remember how Tyrese blew up after he'd found Karen an' David. He'd told Rick to find the person responsible an' bring 'em to him. He shoved me against the fence, punched Rick in the face. Carol was there. She'd seen his reaction. I can't imagine her still standin' here if she told him.
"I know what you're thinking, Daryl. But I gave him the choice to kill me. It was after we had buried the girls. He told me that he thought Lizzie might've killed Karen and David. I could've just as easily let him believe that."
I'm pissed off that she'd even consider somethin' so fuckin' stupid. I can't hide the bitter tone in my voice.
"Why didn't you?" I met her gaze an' I knew why. She had thought she was doin' what was best for the group. She had no idea that they weren't the only ones infected, that it had already started to spread like wildfire through the cell block. Carol had felt guilty.
"I couldn't live with myself that way. He trusted me. Every time he'd look at me I could see the pain in his eyes. So, I handed him my gun and confessed to what I'd done. I explained myself to him, I needed him to know why I did it. But I also knew what the consequences of that confession could be. He asked me if they suffered, if it was quick. I reassured him that they were both quick, no suffering. He told me he forgave me for what I did."
It's hard to think that she's only standin' next to me now 'cause Tyrese had shown her mercy. I take a deep breath, try to shake the thoughts. What's done is done. She confessed an' he forgave her. Tyrese is a better man than most would be.
"So, do you love her?" I look back to Carol. The question seemed odd after everything she's told me. Maybe this was her idea of changin' the subject like I did.
"You're the second person to ask me that in 'bout two weeks." I know I'm dodgin'. I'm uncomfortable with talkin' 'bout feelin's. 'Cept with Beth, an' I even hold back some from her.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Maggie saw we shared a spot one night- don't look at me like that. We didn't do nothin'." I wait until she's stopped laughin' 'fore I go on. "Anyways, she was pissed. Punched me right in the jaw."
"Maggie punched you?"
"Fuck, punched me real hard. Didn't know she had that shit in her. Well, they argued some an' then Maggie took me aside. She asked if I loved Beth." Carol smiles softly at me. Might as well just tell her.
"An' I told her I did. She was fine after that. Been fine ever since." Carol starts laughin' again. "What the hell's funny 'bout that?"
"I'm sorry, I'm just tryin' to picture Maggie taking a swing at you. I can't imagine the look on your face." I can't help but laugh with her. It's the first time I've really had a minute to think 'bout that mornin'. What a fuckin' disaster that'd been. Carol an' I just stand there for a while. She talks to me 'bout how we should make the state line tomorrow. The sun starts to set an' I'm relieved that it stopped rainin'. Travelin' with Asskicker will be a lot easier when it ain't fuckin' stormin'. We got lucky comin' 'cross this barn when we did.
"Guess I'll take first watch." That's the last thing she needs to do.
"Naw. You oughta sleep. Been rougher on the three of y'all the last few days than us." She smiles at me.
"I'd ask if you wanted company, but I guess you already have it." I follow her eyes as they trail up to the loft where we left Beth. She's probably sleepin' up there.
"I'll be fine. Gonna open that loft door an' keep watch from there. Night." An' I push off the wall an' head to the ladder. Carol starts to walk back to the front of the barn to her stall.
"Daryl? I know you, and I know that you don't feel like you deserve love from anybody. But you do. You're a good man. She's lucky to have you." I stop an' turn to face her. I don't know what to say to that, so I just nod. When I reach the loft, I find Beth dressed again an' wrapped in the sheets. I try to be quiet as I open the door, but she woke up anyways.
"Hey, sorry 'bout that. Go back to sleep." She rubs at her eyes an' shakes her head. I ain't 'bout to argue with her, so I prop myself against the wall an' stare out into the field again.
"I wanna finish what we started earlier." She's so quiet, I only just made out what she said. I turn back to see her standin' by the sheets. Her hair's a fuckin' mess, her clothes still wet. She looks beautiful, but we can't make the same dumb mistake. I tell her no.
"It's okay, Daryl. Nobody's comin' up here to check on us. We'll be quiet an' we can be quick."
Course she knows what I'm thinkin'. I can't believe she's even suggestin' we try that shit again. After earlier, I'd think she'd have more fuckin' sense than that. When I don't move towards her, she walked up to me.
"This is the first time we've been alone since the cabin. We don't know when we'll get this chance again." I don't say anything to her, I'm tryin' to stand my ground on this. Then she stretches up to kiss me an' I can't stop myself from kissin' her back, even if I was tryin' to prove a point. Her tongue runs 'cross my lip 'fore she gently bites down on it. I ain't quick enough to stop the moan from escapin' me. Her lips lightly trace up my jaw as she pulls my face closer to hers. When she whispers into my ear, my blood ignites. "Don't you want this, too?" I knew that I wanted this, I wanted it since we had to stop earlier. If we were somewhere completely alone, this wouldn't be a fuckin' discussion. "I need this. We need this. I love you, Daryl. Please?" Her plea cuts through me. Any restraint or self control I had up 'til that point was long gone. I pull back to look her in the eyes. This is really what she wants.
"Alright. But we gotta be quick."
She smiles up at me as her hands slowly start to pull up her shirt, but I stop her. There's only one way to do this quickly an' still give us a chance to cover up if someone comes up here. I feel terrible for thinkin' it, rememberin' my own past an' how I never wanted to be that way with her. But it's all I can come up with.
"Leave it on. Pull your jeans down to your knees an' bend over that bale." She flushes at my words, her eyes widen at the suggestion. It makes it that much worst when she looks so innocent starin' up at me. But I know what I'm doin'. We don't needa take off all our clothes for this. It's a hell of a lot quicker this way, too. I continue, "Case someone decides to check on us."
She nods an' starts to undo her jeans, I can see her hands shakin'. Watchin' her now stirs that feral instinct inside me. I can't even think straight as her jeans slip down her hips. I have trouble with my own fuckin' buckle when she leans down, lookin' over her shoulder at me. The darker side of me is clawin' to get out just at the sight of her. Jesus.
I stand behind her an' bend down to kiss her, my hands movin' her thighs as far's her jeans'll let her go. When our lips meet I quickly push myself inside her. She moans loudly an' my hand reaches to her mouth without hesitation.
"We gotta keep quiet, Beth." I don't move my hand from her lips as I pick up a rhythm, my free hand grips at her hip, my fingers dig deep into her flesh. The animal in me won the battle as I rock into her as hard an' fast as I can. Her cries are muffled by my hand. My other rakes up her side, under her shirt an' tugs at her bra. When I grip an' pull at her soft skin, she begins to grind back against me. Her body matches my rhythm perfectly. This is what I knew. I can feel the tension startin' to slip away. She was right, we did need this. It almost scares me to realize that. It ain't too long 'fore she's tensin' up beneath me, she whimpers against my palm. I lean down so my front covers her back. When I feel her body shudder beneath me, I groan.
"Fuck."
I feel everything inside me tighten an' pull out quickly as my own body shatters. I bite down harder than I mean to on her shoulder to muffle my own moan. I slip my hand from her mouth an' slowly stand, helpin' her back up when I get to my feet.
Now that my urges are gone, I feel like shit. I reach to my back pocket to pull out my bandana an' gently clean off the small of her back, hatin' myself for doin' that to her. I feel sick to my stomach as my eyes skim past the red marks on her hip from my fingers an' focus on the teeth marks at her shoulder. Not only have I just marked her like white trash, but I bit her like I was some filthy fuckin' walker. Bile rises up my throat. Her eyes follow my gaze to her shoulder an' she tries to cover it with the strap of her shirt. Doesn't fuckin' help. She smiles at me an' her tone is light.
"Well, my sweater'll cover that right up. It's colder now, so it won't look suspicious when I wear that more." She closes the space between us an' wraps her arms 'round me. I don't deserve it. I can't believe she even wants to touch me right now. "I don't think I'll ever get tired of makin' love with you, Daryl Dixon."
I blame it on the irritation I feel with myself, but those words piss me off. I love this girl with all I've got an' she deserves better than how I just treated her. I think of the other times I almost took her in the same way, how I'd always been able to stop myself. This time I had every intention of doin' what I did. I scoff at her, fully aware that I'm aimin' my anger at the wrong person.
"That wasn't makin' love. That was me fuckin' you in some damn hay loft." I pull away from her but she grabs my arm.
"Excuse me?" I can't meet her eyes. I jerk my arm away an' reach for my bow. I don't know why, but I head back down the ladder an' find myself walkin' out towards the field. I hear her runnin' behind me an' I turn on the spot.
"You oughta go on an' get some sleep. I'll be up after my watch." I just wanna clear my head. I don't want her to wake up in the mornin' an' realize what we done tonight. When her head ain't full of all her desires she's gonna hate me. I can't stand the idea of her bein' ashamed of that, of lookin' at me differently than she does now. I coulda been gentle, lovin'. In the moment I could only see one way, but I know I could've come up with somethin' better. Somethin' that woulda meant more than a quick fuck. I keep my eyes to the ground an' I see her feet firmly planted in front of me.
"What the hell was that about?" I still can't look at her. I don't say anything. "You're doin' it again, Daryl. You're shuttin' me out." I finally meet her stare. She's cryin' an' I feel worst than I did before. She wipes the tears from her eyes an' goes on. "You can't keep doin' this to me. Puttin' up your walls an' distancin' yourself? It's killin' me, Daryl. I love you. I don't know what just happened up there to cause this, but I want you to talk to me. Please just tell me what I did this time so I know not to do it again."
She thinks I'm mad at her. She can't see that I'm pissed at myself. An' I had honestly thought I couldn't feel worst. I finally find my voice.
"I don't like what we did just now. That ain't what I want for us." She looks confused.
"I don't know what you mean. What's different between what we did now an' what we've been doin'?" I have to remind myself that she really doesn't understand what just happened. She thinks everything is love an' romance. She doesn't know the other side. I take a deep breath, an' turn away from her.
"That's all I ever knew my whole life. Fuckin' a girl to get off an' never seein' her again. You're the first girl I've ever been with more than once." I look over my shoulder to see her. She stares quietly at me. I know I have to tell her everything. I look back to the ground.
"What we did the first time? I ain't ever done that before. Every time after that was new to me, too. What we did now? That's what I always knew." I walk up to her an' hold her face in my hands. "That ain't what I want, Beth. I want what we had to start with. You mean more to me than some quick fuck for us to get off. I love you, I don't want you to ever be ashamed of what we do."
"That's what you think? That I'd- what? Regret that? Daryl, you can call it whatever you want. But every time I'm with you, it's still love to me. Why didn't you tell me this before?" I shrug. I know the answer. I didn't want her to think I was some prick usin' her for my own needs. I know I'm not that guy with her but I still feel like I needa protect her from the man I used to be. I know he still lies deep inside of me. I felt him come out up there with her. She takes my hand in hers, pulls it up to her mouth an' kisses my palm.
"I love you, Daryl. Nothin' you say to me will ever change that. I don't care what you used to be like. I'm in love with the you that I know, an' that's all I need." I tug her by the hand an' pull her to me. I press my lips to hers as I take in everything she's told me. Deep down, I always knew I could trust her with all of me. I don't know why I always shield myself from her, but I know I need to stop. It hurts her too much. An' I can't live with myself knowin' I hurt her. I break our kiss an' lead her back to the barn. We climb the ladder an' sit at the loft door next to each other. Beth had picked up the sheet an' threw it over our legs. She leaned against my side as I held my bow on my lap. For a while, we just sit quietly lookin' at the world 'round us.
"I never ate frog legs." I laugh at her. She always knows how to lighten the mood.
"Shit. You're missin' out. Spring comes 'round an' we can catch some. I'll cook those up for you an' you'll never want squirrel again." Her gigglin' fills the loft an' it's the most beautiful sound.
"I already never want squirrel again. Rabbit's not so bad. I like deer, too. But I don't think you'll get me to eat a frog. That's disgustin'."
"Girl, you tear up squirrel like it's a steak dinner. I don't wanna hear that shit. You ate snake, frog's nothin'." She nudges my arm.
"I hated that snake. An' I eat squirrel outta necessity. What I'd give for a cheese pizza..."
The rest of the night went like that. We talked 'bout stupid shit but, with her, it wasn't really stupid. It was relaxin'. I love how she makes me forget all the shit we've gone through an' how fucked up everything really is. I'll always keep my guard up for danger. But on nights like this one, I can't help imaginin' things gettin' better. Even if it's all talk. It makes her happy to be so damn optimistic an' I feel better when she's happy.
She falls asleep against me an' I pull the sheet up 'round her. I think 'bout the rest of our trip. Findin' shelter along the way, food, water. We're still a long damn ways from where we're headed. A cold chill runs through me once the pipe dream of what we could have slips away from me. I want Washington to be more than what we've ever had. I know I shouldn't waste time on hopes an' wishes, but this is more than that. It's a matter of life an' death. I honestly don't know how much longer we can all survive out here.