I open my eyes to the darkness around me. My fingers brush the hair from my face an' I realize I'd been sweatin'. My breaths come out in little gasps.
It was just a dream.
I close my eyes an' I can still see him run in front of me, in front of the gun. I can still hear the shot, see him fallin' at my feet as the blood stains his chest.
It was just a dream.
I blink again an' I see his lifeless eyes lookin' up at me an' I'm all alone at that fallen prison. The Governor's crept back into the shadows like mist over water. Bodies of the dead surround me.
Dammit, Beth! It was only your dream. Michonne said she stabbed him through the heart an' left him for dead. He's gone an' he ain't ever comin' back.
Now I'm cryin', an' I'm grateful it's too dark for anybody to see me. They're all still peacefully sleepin' while my recurrin' nightmare shook me awake. I don't close my eyes, too afraid of the horrific image that lurks behind my lids. I decide to focus on the present, anything to make me calm down.
His arm's wrapped around me, I can feel the warmth of his breath on the skin of my neck with his face buried in my hair. One leg is thrown over mine an' his chest an' hips are pressed firmly against my back. I just focus on his breathin'.
See? He's still alive. He's still here.
I match my breaths to his, concentrate on each inhale, every exhale. Focus on the rise an' fall of his chest against me. Once I feel myself calm down I notice his erection pressed firmly against the small of my back. My breathin' catches for a different reason now. I feel like a stupid girl when the heat rushes to my cheeks. I'm still a little shaken from my nightmare an' I don't know if I really want my thoughts to start down that path. I gotta get back to sleep.
I try to shift a little, make it less noticeable so I don't have to think about it. But as soon's I move, I know it was a bad idea. I brushed against him an' he moaned in my ear. I hate myself for the fire that spreads through the lower half of my body at the sound. I try to clear my thoughts, try to concentrate on anything else, but his hips press into mine in his sleep, the second moan he lets out causes me to bite my lip.
I know Daryl's still cautious when it comes to sex. I'm not stupid to think he's the type to throw me to the floor an' have his way with me, even if that's how I always pictured him. Just about every time we've been together has been initiated by me. He just follows my lead. It's silly when I'm the one who has no idea what to do. I should be followin' him. I think back to earlier in that shower, how timid he'd been when I first approached him. I have to remind myself that Daryl's like a stray animal. If you go at him too quick, corner him, he's gonna get defensive. But if you're kind to him an' gentle, he's sweet as tea.
I shift back against him again, his grip tightens around me an' he sighs in my ear. I think of how gentle he is with me, how much passion he shows me when I finally open him up. He really loves me. I purposefully move against him now, savorin' the sound he makes. I can't help it, I want him again. I decide to throw caution to the wind an' start grindin' back against him. I can feel his body reactin' to me, an' it drives me crazy. I reach my hand behind me, take a deep breath an' slip it down the front of his jeans. When I grab him, his hips buck into mine an' I hear him wakin' up. His voice is husky an' low.
"The fuck?" It only takes him a second to realize what's happenin'. Before he can make me stop I run my hand up an' down his length, he buries his face in my neck to muffle his groan. I turn my face to his now, his eyes are open an' smolderin' down at me. If I'd been standin' it woulda brought me to my knees. He makes to say somethin' but I smash my mouth to his, my tongue partin' his lips. I don't want him to try talkin' me outta this. He groans into my mouth, doesn't try to stop me. I move my hand faster an' feel his hips buckin' at the motion. I pull away from our kiss, my words are a whisper.
"I'll be quiet, I promise. It'll be like in the barn." His body goes rigid. I look into his eyes, an' they look- nervous? "Daryl?"
He reaches down to stop me, pullin' my hand away from him. He won't look at me now, won't say anything. I stare at him, waitin' for him to give me some type of explanation. He sighs, an' his voice is husky. "Not now, Beth. Not here."
I can feel the heat rush through me, but this time it's irritation. I keep my voice down. "You seem pretty ready to me. You wanna sneak back in the other buildin'?"
He shakes his head, still won't even look me in the eyes. I'm bristlin' now. It's harder for me to keep quiet. "I remember what you said last night in the field. I know how you see this. But it's not like that. I told you last night that any way we're together is love to me." I rub back against him an' hear the small groan he tries to hold in. "Please, Daryl?"
He pulls me tight to his front. One hand holds my hips still,the other arm wraps firmly across my chest. For a moment I think he's angry with me. I brace myself when he buries his face in my neck, feel his lips move against my skin. "Don't do this to me."
It's a broken whisper. He isn't angry, he sounds afraid. An' he's pleadin' with me. I ain't ever heard Daryl beg in all the time I've known him. I feel like he's just electrocuted me. I pull against his steely grip an' he finally loosens up enough to let me turn to him. His eyes are closed an' his breathin's uneven. He looks years younger like this, yet aged at the same time. Seein' him so broken in front of me, an' by my own doin', feels like ice water's been dumped over my body. I was bein' stupid an' selfish. I already knew how he felt but I tried to push him anyway. I feel awful as I look at him now.
"Daryl, I'm so sorry. It's okay. Forget about it." I pull him to me, best's I can. His face rests against my collarbone an' I slowly rub his back. I have to think of somethin' to say, somethin' to make him open back up to me. I hate when he shuts down, I hate it even more when I'm the reason. Before I can gather my thoughts, he speaks against my skin. The words are soft an' quiet.
"I'm tryin', Beth. I'm tryin' so fuckin' hard to be a good person. Lettin' go of all my shit. I don't ever wanna go back to who I was before." His voice may be gentle, but the words hit me with the force of a locomotive. I can't believe I could be so stupid. Wasn't it me all along tellin' him he's a good man? Wasn't I the one who told him he had to leave his past behind him? This whole time I've noticed a shift in him. He wasn't nearly as hardened as he was before. He kept a much tighter leash on his temper an' when he did get angry, he'd bury it just as quickly as it rose. Here he was, clawin' to climb outta the dark abyss that was his past an' I was tryin' to drag him back down. I kiss the top of his head.
"You are good, Daryl. I've seen the difference in you over time. I won't ever let you go back to the way you used to be. I promise." I feel him nod against me. I don't know if he really believes what I'm sayin' or not. I just know that he needs me to keep remindin' him. That's what he told me that night at the old shack. That I needed to remind him that he's changed for the better. I had said he couldn't rely on anybody else, but I'd been wrong. We do rely on each other. Maybe it makes us weaker, maybe it makes us stronger. I don't know an' I don't care. He needs me just as much as I need him. "Sorry I woke you up." He shrugs.
"Why were you awake?"
I sigh. I don't see the harm in tellin' him. "Nightmare." He pulls back from me an' looks into my face.
"What was it?" Daryl never asks questions, an' I assume this is just his way of takin' his mind off the dam we just broke through. I run my hand through my hair.
"The same one I have all the time. I dream that we're at the prison, that we're under attack." His eyes fall from mine. He's never been one to make eye contact when discussin' feelin's an' fears. I go on. "Everything happens the way it did that day. But I see Maggie run off an' I try to call her back. I see all the bodies around me an' when I look up, The Governor has a gun aimed at me. But every time I dream, you run in front of me." I almost feel choked. I've never said any of this out loud. His eyes meet mine. He reaches up to tuck my hair behind my ear. His voice is gentle.
"You know I ain't ever gonna let anyone hurt you."
He doesn't understand what scares me. I didn't think I could bring myself to say it but he's thinkin' I'm afraid for myself. "That's not what scares me. The dream used to end in you killin' him an' us runnin' into the woods. But ever since the first night in the funeral home, I've dreamt that you stood to protect me. He shoots you in the chest an' you die right at my feet. All I can do is watch you slip away." His hand brushes my cheek, an' only then do I realize I'm cryin'. I feel so stupid. The world around me is a terrifyin' place, an' I'm worried about silly dreams. He must think I'm an idiot. He grips my chin between his fingers, pullin' my focus back to him. His eyes are a stormy blue. There's so much emotion there that words could never give justice to.
"I ain't goin' nowhere."
I give him a small smile. Deep down, I know he means it to be true. But the wounded part of my heart reminds me that no one, not even Daryl Dixon, can make it outta this life alive. I kiss him, just a slow kiss, an' he follows my lead as usual. But I stop before we can get back to where this all started. There will be more chances for us to be together like that, I don't need to shake the frail foundation of what we've been workin' so hard to build.
"We're a mess, Daryl." He lets out a small laugh, but I finish what I meant to say. "But we're beautiful together." He smiles at me then, an' it's the rarest of all. A full, face splittin' smile that sends my heart meltin' like butter on warm biscuits. I snuggle into his chest as he wraps his arm around me. I can feel my eyes gettin' heavy, realize just how exhausted I really was. His hand gently massages my back, only further puttin' me to sleep. He leans into me an' whispers in my ear.
"I love you, Beth." I can't help the silly grin on my face as I slip into unconsciousness.
"I thought we all agreed that the mission was to get to D.C. as soon as possible?" I glance over to Rick.
"Look, Abraham, there's no change in our plans. All I meant was we could use the rest for another day or so."
They'd been goin' back an' forth like this for a while. Carol had brought it up earlier that we could use some more time here an' Rick said he'd discuss it. I stand there with Rosita, the others still eatin' inside.
"Rick, brother, I appreciate how much you care about keepin' us all alive. You do a damn good job at seein' to us keepin' fed, watered and sheltered. But we need to move on. We wasted time at the tracks, the lake. We need to focus on gettin' back on the road." Rick sighs.
"You're right. I know you're right. But at least give us another hour or two. Get our people fed, cleaned up, whatever it takes to make sure we don't burn them out. Don't forget that you're the one who asked for our help. It wasn't the other way around." With that, Rick heads out to the front of the church an' I follow him as the other two go back in the kitchen.
"Least you bought us some time." He doesn't say anything, just sits on the front steps of the church. I stand next to him an' stare over at the three vans. "You think the Good Father will let us take one or two?" He follows my gaze.
"I'm sure he'll let us take at least one. Doubt he needs all three when it's just him." I decide to voice somethin' that's bothered me since we first got in that van.
"Weird, ain't it? Him bein' alone since the start of shit. You'd think he'd run into at least some other person 'fore he found us. Maybe he weren't tryin' to find other survivors as much's he says." Rick glances up at me. From the look in his eyes, I can tell he's had the same suspicion.
"It's crossed my mind a few-" his eyes seem to lose focus as he looks straight ahead. "What's that on the back window of the vans?" It's a strange thing to point out, but it's the strange shit you gotta keep your eyes open for nowadays. I step to the other side to pick up what he's spotted. When I see it, my blood turns to ice. Son of a bitch.
"You think it's a coincidence?" I spit on the ground as we take the stairs an' throw open the church doors.
"We ain't got the luxury of believin' in coincidences no more, Rick."
Gabriel's at the front, talkin' to Maggie an' Glenn. Me an' Rick shoulder past the other two to get to Gabriel. Maggie looks like she's 'bout to mouth off, but I hold my hand up to silence her.
"Them vans out there? They all yours?" Gabriel looks confused at the question, so I continue. "All three of them, they yours?" Glenn starts to ask me what I'm tryin' to say. Rick cuts him off.
"It's a simple question, Father. Do you own those vans or not?" He nods, but his expression hasn't changed. Everybody else's come in from the kitchen to see what's happenin'. I see Beth next to Tyrese, an' I almost wish she'd get back in the other room, she don't needa hear this. I turn back to Gabriel.
"You ever have a car? Black? Had the same white cross on it's back window that all them vans of yours got." His look changes to understandin'.
"I did. It was my personal vehicle. A couple months back I heard it start up in the middle of the night and, by the time I got to the door, the person who took it was long gone."
I don't know if I can believe him. What's to say he ain't some nasty fuckin' cannibal like the ones he says stole his car? He coulda been in on it all along. Openin' up church doors to fool people there's some sanctuary an' all the while leadin' 'em to slaughter. Rick's temper gets the best of him. He shoves Gabriel into the podium. Glenn reaches to stop him but I hold him back.
"Bullshit! Your story hasn't made a bit of goddamn sense from the beginnin'! You couldn't have stayed in this church alone the whole time!" Gabriel's begun to cry, but Rick keeps goin'.
"You never had anyone with you? Nobody ever came here? Not one person?" Gabriel shakes his head. "It's all bullshit, Gabriel. Your cover story doesn't make sense! Who are you workin' for?" He doesn't say a word, just keeps shakin' his head. I hear some of the others gasp, some murmurin'. I pull Rick offa him, get right up in the lyin' bastard's face.
"The people in that black car took one of our own. They were cannibals, wanted to kill us all. You mean to say you ain't know nothin' 'bout that? You gotta be workin' for someone!" Gabriel hangs his head, but he finally speaks.
"No one! I swear I'm not workin' for anyone! I don't know what happened to your friend. I'm alone. I was always alone. It's all so clear to me now, I didn't find you. You were sent to me by God. You're here to punish me." Rick grabs the front of his jacket again, shakes him hard.
"For what? Dammit, what did you do?" Gabriel takes a deep breath, looks 'round all us an' drops his head again as he speaks.
"When it all started, I was here. Alone. It was late at night when I first heard about everything. I got scared, I locked up. Just to be safe. The next mornin', they started comin'. Neighbors, friends, members of my congregation; not many at first, then more as the days went on. They wanted a safe place to stay, a sanctuary." He lets out a sob an' I look to Rick. Before I can say somethin', he continues.
"I turned them all away. I only had so much food, I needed to be sure I could survive long enough to be rescued. I couldn't have those people comin' in, I'd starve. I chose my life over theirs. Most of them stayed outside the church, yellin', screamin' for me to let them in. They never left, they didn't stop. Until the dead came for them." I step away from him tryin' to understand what he was sayin'. There's more than enough food in that fuckin' kitchen. He turned all them people away, an' for what? He sobs again.
"Women, children, entire families. I heard their screams of agony as they were torn apart. Some of them callin' my name, damnin' me to Hell. I know what I did, I know what I deserve." He reaches his hands to the front of Rick's shirt.
"Kill me. Please, I've suffered enough. I want you to do it. I forgive you. Kill me and I forgive you. You are only carryin' out God's will. They died, they all died because of me. You have to make this right." Rick steps away from him. He's at my side. "Please, just do it."
Rick turns to head down away from Gabriel. Carol steps up from the front of the others. "What're you doing?" Rick looks 'round all of us.
"I believe him." Carol's face drops.
"What does that mean?" Rick speaks directly to her.
"It means I don't think he had anything to do with the cannibals, or with Beth bein' taken." At the mention of her name I turn to her. She's cryin', I can see her tremblin' from here. I can't tell which part of this set her off, my guess is him sayin' he left all them poor people to die. She always tries to see the best in everybody. How can a man of God, someone who should be the best of us all, turn his back on his own? I shake my head at the thought an' make my way over to her. She wraps her arms 'round me in sobs into my chest.
"Rick, we gotta go. You told me to give you time, and I did. We just found out that our gracious host-" he spits at Gabriel's feet, "-ain't as gracious as he made hisself out to be. We can't stay here. Everybody, go pack your shit. We're getting the fuck outta here." Abraham reaches for the door when Michonne grabs his arm. He turns to her an' she places a finger over her lips. We all catch the gesture, an' we all strain to pick up what she has.
Moanin'. A lot of it. The herd musta followed us here. I glance out the window 'bout fifty yards away to the shelter. The same shelter where all our fuckin' weapons were left as we came in to eat. Jesus Christ.
A/N: First of all, I want to apologize for leaving it here. I PROMISE I've already started writing the next chapter! I was so excited to bring Gabriel into the story, his background story intrigued me so much while reading the comics. I'm also glad that so many of you were equally excited to see him show up! For those of you also familiar with the comics, you may notice that I took the exact conversation Rick and Gabriel had (for Gabriel's confession) and made it work into my story. As always, thank you for sticking by me with your support and kind words. You're all so wonderful! Hope you enjoyed this, and I hope you're ready for everything I have in store! :)
** I do NOT own the characters from The Walking Dead (show or comics).**