The room's tense. Nobody moves. We ain't got no weapons an' we're 'bout to come face to face with the biggest fuckin' herd we ever seen. People are startin' to panic. They're arguin' over what we gotta do to get outta here. I look back outta the window. Fifty yards ain't that far. I make out walkers back behind the trees. It's a big group, but it ain't all the ones offa the highway. Shit. If I run, I might be able to make it.
"What're we gonna do? All our fucking guns are out there!" Rosita freakin' out only adds to the suffocatin' feelin' in this room. It hangs heavy over all us. That tension's gonna strangle us 'fore the dead even get in here. Abraham tells her to keep her voice down. I let out a deep breath. We're wastin' time. I know what I gotta do. I reach for the door but a hand pulls me back. I'm surprised to see it belongs to Maggie.
"Are you insane? You go out there an' you might as well ring the damn dinner bell!" I don't have the fuckin' patience to start this shit with her. Everything we need to keep from gettin' torn apart is just out there. Right fuckin' in front of us. I pull my hand away an' grab the handle. Her grip on my wrist feels like iron as she hisses in my ear. "Don't be so damn stupid! You die, who the hell's gonna be the one to put Beth back together? Or aren't you thinkin' of her anymore?"
I can feel the anger at her words course over my muscles, everything tightens up. I clench an' unclench my fists, tryin' to calm down. I ain't ever hit a woman in all my life, but fuck if she weren't close. I can feel the muscles in my jaw tick. It's takin' more strength than I got not to shout at her. Maggie ain't ever been afraid of me, so she don't know when to back down. She keeps goin'. "You told me you loved her, Daryl. Said you'd never hurt her. But here you are, about to rip her heart out!" That's my limit. I get right in her face.
"Who the fuck you think I'd risk doin' this for?"
She takes a step back from me, tears in her eyes. It ain't fear, it's worry. Maggie's told me 'fore how she considers me family. That's when I realize that she ain't just worried 'bout Beth's feelin's. The anger rolls offa me at the look on her face. I feel like shit for snappin' at her, but she knows how I feel 'bout Beth.
"You can't go, Daryl. It'll kill her if somethin' happens to you." I can't meet her eyes. I remember what Beth said last night when she told me 'bout her nightmare. She was afraid of me dyin'. Of everything in this world to be scared of, she's afraid of losin' me. I don't think I ever meant so much to anyone 'fore, 'cept maybe Merle. It kills me to think I could hurt her. Deep down, I know Maggie's right. I clear my head of the thought, pushin' it far back in my mind. Shit, I can't take a guilt trip on top everything else. For fuck's sake.
"You gotta better plan?" All eyes are on us now. My hand on the door's all the evidence they need to figure out what I'm 'bout to do. Nobody says shit, they all know. Those weapons are worth the risk. This is all we can do. We stay in here unarmed an' there ain't gonna be no need for a fuckin' dinner bell.
"You really think you can make it?" I look over at Abraham. He's starin' just past me, out the window. He probably sees the beginnin' of just what the hell we're up against.
"What choice we got?" He nods to me.
"Alright, I'm in. Maybe we can find somethin' in the kitchen to last us to the buildin'." We head through the side door an' start diggin' through cupboards an' drawers, Gabriel right behind us in the doorway. I'm through my second drawer an' still ain't found shit.
"Dammit! How the fuck you gotta kitchen an' ain't got no real knives? Holy Rollers ain't gotta cut up their food?"
I try to keep my voice down, but my temper always gets the better of me. Gabriel's broken into a sweat. He's more scared than the rest of us. Figures. Ain't like he ever been out there dealin' with this shit. I'm almost ashamed for him. Abraham tosses somethin' on the counter: a butcher knife an' a meat cleaver. It definitely ain't our best defense but it'll have to work. I can't tell how many dead are already out there, but if we're makin' a run for the weapons we'll needa use somethin'.
"These good enough?"
I nod to him an' grab the cleaver. I shove Gabriel outta my way as I go back through the door, Abraham behind me. The others are gathered over by the cross. Glenn looks at what we got.
"You guys can't be serious. That's all you could find?"
Abraham tells him there weren't shit in there 'sides these. Rick asks us if we could look for pipin' or anything bigger. Heavier. There ain't time for that shit, even if it would be better. Glenn runs his hands over his face, through his hair. He lets out a deep breath.
"What if we make a distraction?" Maggie speaks up an' she's pissed.
"You offerin' yourself up as walker bait? Thought those days were behind you, Glenn?"
"Don't, Maggie. That's not what I meant. I mean, what if we can make it out to the vans-" Abraham scoffs at him.
"And leave all our weapons and ammo out there? Not likely."
"Will you guys stop cutting me off? Look, there are three vans out there. Someone can take one the way we know they're coming from. Distract the ones that haven't gotten this far yet. Blare the horn, flash the lights, squeal tires. Whatever it takes to draw walkers to them." He looks up at Rick. "Remember Atlanta? It worked there. It makes sense. Drive a few miles, whip over the median and come back this way. Keep a couple here for getting the weapons. Take a van right to the door of the shelter, slide the side door open and load up there. If you run into trouble, you already have the weapons."
I gotta admit, it ain't a bad plan. The kid knows how to come up with shit like this in tight spots. Glenn's always come through on these runs. He's drawn attention to hisself with the group. They're circled 'round us now. Tyrese speaks up.
"What about the others? The ones not on the weapon run?" Glenn shrugs his shoulders.
"They drive like hell to get out of here in the third van. We all meet up back at the state line and drive out from there using all three vans. At least then we'll have our weapons and vehicles."
"Those of us in the bigger group can run out there with as much food and water as we can carry in one trip. I saw grocery bags in the kitchen, we'll have to be fast and just shove in what we can. This is a good plan, Glenn." Carol pats him on the shoulder.
"That leaves the dividin' of tasks and we gotta be quick. Time's a major factor here." Rick scratches his beard, tryin' to figure out who does what. Glenn offers to be the distraction.
"You can't leave me again, Glenn. I went through hell to find you already." Maggie wipes away her tears. I can't help but feel bad for her, even after what she said to me. I know she was only sayin' that shit to make me change my mind. I know she didn't mean it. Gabriel clears his throat an' it's the first he's said since his confession.
"I'll do it. I'll drive down a ways and try to lead them off you. Wait a little while after I pull out of here, give me enough time to cause the distraction."
I don't know how I feel 'bout that. Part of me doesn't trust him. But I wanna think it's him tryin' to right his wrongs. We all done bad shit in this world, bad shit we gotta carry with us the rest of our lives. I look to Rick. I can tell he's still pissed at Gabriel. Shit, so am I. But it's the best we can do. Rick looks right in his eyes.
"You think you can handle that, Gabriel?" I know what he's gettin' at. How's he plan on sacrificin' hisself to save all us strangers when he couldn't even risk his neck for the people he says he knew? Gabriel picks up Rick's meanin'. He nods. Rick turns back to all us.
"We'll need at least four people for the weapon run. We already know Abraham and Daryl volunteered. They'll have what they found in the kitchen, two others can run to the van and bring it back to the shed. Help them load up then get the hell outta there." Before Rick even finishes his last sentence, Michonne steps up. Carl grabs her by the elbow.
"You don't have to do that. You don't always have to volunteer for these runs! Haven't you done enough for us?"
The look on Michonne's face's nothin' short of pain. I gotta turn away from the sight. I decide to walk over by the window again. They don't need me for the rest of that discussion. I hold the cleaver firmly in my grip, test the weight of it. Enough force'll put it through a skull. That's all I needa know. Beth walks up to me. She ain't cryin' no more. I move the hair outta her face. "Be done 'fore you know it."
She just smiles up at me. It ain't her real smile, though. This is the smile she uses to try to hide whatever she's really feelin'. I know better, but I ain't gonna call her out on it. She reaches up an' kisses my cheek. "You'll be fine. I know you will."
Beth ain't like other women. She don't beg me to stay. Deep down, she knows what those weapons mean to us. My girl's shapin' up to be a damn good survivor. I pull her to me as I see everybody startin' to split up. I place my hands on her sides, lean down to kiss her. I tell her that I love her. She smiles up at me. "I love you, but I'm not gonna say goodbye." I can't fight the small smile pullin' at my lips. I kiss her again.
"You ain't gotta."
Gabriel grabs the keys to a van an' heads out the door. Tires squeal an' the horn blares. We all run in the kitchen an' start throwin' shit in bags while we wait for him to get enough time. After 'bout five minutes we go back into the main room, Abraham stands next to me at the back door.
"You think Gabriel's had enough time?" I shrug. Can't hear the horn no more. Either he's taken off on his own an' abandoned us, or he's drivin' them away. Guess we're 'bout to find out. The others are all standin' at the front. I keep my head to the ground, ease my muscles, soothe my breathin'. I strain my ears.
The moanin' ain't as loud as it was earlier. Glenn's idea for the distraction seemed to work for the most part. When the others open that door, we're runnin' out. Michonne an' Rosita are gonna pull the van to the buildin' an' help us load our shit up. I keep tellin' myself the plan's simple enough. I gotta keep tellin' myself that. I lift my head up an' see Beth standin' with her sister, lookin' over at me. A chill runs through me as I think this might be the last time I see her. I push it down. Thoughts like that make you careless. Careless makes you dead.
"Alright! Head out!" Rick's voice's low, but I heard it like he was standin' right next to me. I tighten my grip on the handle of the cleaver an' Abraham nods to me. I hear the front doors open, hear everybody crammin' through the frame to get out. I throw our door open an' take off runnin'.
The cold air hits me hard. Realization of just how fuckin' stupid this is hits me harder. My muscles switch to survival, pushin' me forward full force. Behind us, I can hear the two vans start. I keep my focus straight ahead, shovin' down the thoughts of this bein' a suicide mission. Abraham's just behind me.
"Daryl! Left!" I turn mid-step an' crack the blade through it's skull. The milky eyes are locked on mine, but it's arms drop. I kick it in the gut as I yank the handle back. I don't stick 'round to watch it fall. Abraham's at my side now, keepin' my pace. He can fuckin' run for a big guy. Another walker stands between us an' that fuckin' door 'bout twenty yards away. I glance to my left an' barely make out the shadows of the dead in the woods. Abraham shouts to me as we hear our van comin' back.
"C'mon, they're 'bout to come 'round!" He rushes ahead of me. Drives his knife through the jaw of the bastard in front of us, raisin' it up in the air an' throwin' the rotted body to the side. Like it weren't more than a damn doll standin' in his way. He reaches the door 'fore me an' throws it open as I get to him. We run in, closin' the door behind us. "Grab all of it. Throw it in a pile at the door. The girls can start loadin' shit when they pull up."
Abraham runs to the back, grabs the duffel bag fulla our guns. I run down the aisle, grabbin' up bags as I see 'em an' slidin' 'em up the floor to the door. He kicks another bag to me as the door opens. "You two start loadin' that shit up! Me and Daryl got the rest."
I run back to him to grab the last of our shit. I can just make out the sound of decayed hands clawin' to get in. The same hands that'll rip the flesh from our bodies if they do get in. I try to ignore it. We run back to the other two.
"Abe, hurry the fuck up! We gotta go!" Rosita starts throwin' shit in the van. Abraham tells her to get back at the wheel an' be ready when we close that door. I almost think it was an easy run. How damn lucky we were it worked out. But that's when I see Michonne fall to the ground an' see the walker under the van pullin' her to him.
"Michonne!" I grab her sword an' toss it down to her. She's quick to run it clean through the head, kickin' the fucker offa her before gettin' back to her feet. We jump in, pullin' up the last of our shit. Abraham shuts the door an' shouts for Rosita to floor it, but we don't move. I look 'round us at the fuckin' swarm of dead. Their hands beat at the the sides an' windows. Dark, rottin' blood smears 'cross the glass. We're trapped.
I'm on my knees next to Michonne. All I hear's the sounds of the walkers, the sounds of Rosita an' Abraham shoutin'. They're arguin' over stayin' put or drivin' through. Rosita says if we drive through we could fuck up the van. We'd be stuck. But sittin' here means we're stuck, too. He suggests openin' the windows an' shootin' 'em down one by one. But we only got the two front windows.
I realize our chances of gettin' outta this alive ain't good. For a second, I think 'bout Beth. How I had that sick feelin' that I may never see her again before we split up. I start to search through our bags, tryin' to find somethin' to get us outta here. I remember the night at that shack an' the way she smiled at me. I told myself that I'd make my last thought of her if I was 'bout to die. I close my eyes.
I think 'bout how she looks when she first wakes up. Her hair a fuckin' mess an' how she arches her back catlike when she stretches. The way she laughs at the dumbest things an' how my heart almost bursts at the sound. Those big blue eyes that hold a flame when she's lookin' at me. I think of how good her mouth feels against mine, how she tastes on my lips. The way she runs her hands through my hair. I can almost hear her whisper my name, tellin' me she loved me as I made her mine for the first time.
I open my eyes again. Tossin' aside the two bags I already searched, I can feel everything inside me burn. I knew from the start that openin' up to that girl would ruin me. Told myself her fire would reduce me to ashes, but I approached the flame anyway. I can't regret fallin' in love with her. She made me push to be better. It's wrong that I don't get more time with her. Everything this world's taken from me, an' now it's tryin' to drive us apart.
Rippin' open the fourth bag, I remember last night. How she had wanted so much more from me than I thought I could give her. I felt so broken layin' next to her, torn between right an' wrong. She'd told me before that she didn't care how we were together, that it was always love to her. I'd been so caught up on tryin' to save her from me, from the man I was. I hadn't even realized what it was doin' to her. She don't see it the way I always had. In her eyes, it was her bein' with someone she loved. An' I love her. I can't fight the guilt of not givin' the girl everything she wanted. She'd already given me more than I ever had.
As I listen to the walkers tryin' to get at us, I remember somethin' else from last night. When she'd told me she was afraid to lose me, afraid of me dyin', I'd told her I weren't goin' nowhere. I ain't ready to give up. Death ain't gettin' me 'til I'm ready for it. I reach into the bag I've carried since the fall of the prison. My hand grips tightly 'round the thing I've been lookin' for. I glance up to the others, pull their attention to me.
"We ain't dyin' like this. Rosita, when I tell you, open your window." I make my way up to the front seat, set myself between Rosita an' Abraham. "Soon's I say go, you better fuckin' floor it. Don't even hesitate." When Abraham sees what I'm holdin', a big fuckin' smile spreads 'cross his face. He whistles.
"You crazy motherfucker."
"Alright, now!" The window goes down, Abraham guns the nearest walkers down. I hear Michonne cussin' behind me, Rosita looks scared shitless. I pull the pin an' launch the hand grenade out the window, right in the middle of the swarm.
"Floor it!"
"I didn't say goodbye."
It's been a long time now, maybe an hour. Daryl an' them still aren't back. Maggie an' I opened the backdoor of the van an' we're sittin' there together. She puts her arm 'round my shoulder. I watch through misty eyes as Rick, Tyrese, Sasha an' Glenn discuss where we go from here. Everybody else is busy sortin' through the food we grabbed. Carl brings us a water bottle to share an' goes back to Judith in her carseat.
At first, I wasn't worried. I knew Daryl, knew this was what he's best at. I kept tellin' myself that if anyone could get through somethin' crazy, it's him. I saw a van speed up to where we were an' was relieved that he'd come back to me. When I saw that it was Father Gabriel, I began to panic. They should've been back by now.
"What're you talkin' about, Beth?"
"I told him I wasn't gonna say goodbye. It's somethin' we've talked about. Neither of us like goodbyes."
My sister looks at me with pity. It makes me feel all the worst. I pull my knees up to my chest an' wrap my arms tightly around them, tryin' to hold myself together. I fight back a sob, but my voice is still small an' broken. "Maggie, he can't die. I won't survive if I lose him, too."
What I've said to her is true in every way. If I lose him, my heart wouldn't be able to handle it. I know it'll kill me. But I also know that he's what's kept me livin' for so long. He's guarded me, fed me, sheltered me. I thrive on his will to survive, siphoning strength from him. He's taught me so much in the time we've been together. I can't hold back the tears as they finally spill over at the thought. We haven't had enough time together.
"It's okay. He's gonna be fine. He's with a damn good group that knows what they're doin'."
I can't grasp comfort from her words, words ain't enough right now. If there were ever a time I needed her at my side, it's right this second. I can feel all the emotions flood through me, fallin' down my skin in tears. We never got to talk about Daddy, we were split before we had the chance to grieve together. But I don't think I can think of such a devastatin' loss while tryin' to concentrate on Daryl bein' alive. My head drops to her shoulder, I cry against her sweatshirt. "I love him so much, Maggie. I've just finally started openin' him up. God can't take him from me, too."
She wraps me in her arms, holdin' me close. Her hand runs over my hair, her best attempt at soothin' me. I want to tell her everything, I want her advice. I haven't had anybody else to talk to besides Daryl. I feel like I've drifted so far from my sister in the last few weeks. But I need her. As painful as worryin' over him might be, I need somethin' to distract me from what might happen. I whisper into her shoulder, "He loves me, Maggie."
"I know he does, Beth. We've all seen it." I pull back an' look into her eyes. She doesn't look upset with me. I remember when she saw us that mornin', how she'd punched him. I don't know what's safe to tell her. If he survives this run, I don't want him walkin' into the barrel of a gun when he gets back. But she loves me. She knows he loves me an' that I love him. I bite down on my lip.
"Daryl an' I've... I mean, we've-" I take a deep breath. She gives me a questionin' look that reminds me of Daddy. I let out the air I was holdin'. "We've come a long way from how we were. Before." I backed out. Maggie searches my face. I can see her expression change from confusion to understandin' in an instant. She lets go of me, pullin' her own knees up an' mirrorin' my stance. Before she speaks, she lets out a heavy sigh.
"I know." I stare at her, tryin' to figure out what she means. My pulse's racin'. She looks at me an' shrugs. "I went in your bag last night while you were in the shower. I only thought my sweatshirt was in there, I couldn't find it in mine. An' it was. Right on top of the box. At first, I thought it was mine an' Glenn's. But I remembered he'd kept ours in his bag. That's how I knew."
I put my eyes to the ground. I don't know if I'm embarrassed or relieved. I'd wanted to tell her myself, but I'd been afraid. Now I don't have to do it. I run my hand through my hair, pullin' it back into a ponytail. She nudges my arm.
"I'm not mad, if that's what you're thinkin'. I understand. Guess I'm just glad you're smart enough to use protection. I don't ever want you to think you can't talk to me about things like that, Beth."
It's what I'd hoped to hear. I mean to open up to her. I want her advice on how to handle someone like Daryl. But the words escape me as I hear the sound of a vehicle comin' down the road. I jump to my feet, place my hand up above my eyes to block the sun. It's a white van. I hear Rick shout that they're back. We all gather in the middle of the road. When it gets closer, I can see the blood stainin' the white. They stop just in front of us. Rosita an' Abraham climb out from the front an' open the side door. Michonne jumps out an' they start walkin' towards us. When he steps outta the van, I lose all sense of everything else around me.
He swings his crossbow over his back, his eyes search ahead of him 'til he focuses on me. I throw my hands to my mouth to muffle my sob as he starts makin' his way to me. But he isn't goin' fast enough. I take off at a run, not carin' how stupid I might look. Just before I get to him, his arms reach for me. I jump into his hold an' look down into his face. I'm fully aware that I'm cryin' like an idiot. My fingers tug on his hair, trail down his neck an' grip into his shoulders. He's really here. Even through my tears, I can't help the giggle I let out as the relief washes over me. I give him my warmest smile as I look into his eyes.
"You had me scared to death, Daryl Dixon."
An' it's there again, just like last night. A full, face splittin' smile that heats my blood. His eyes are the same stormy blue, dancin' wildly over me to take all of it in. I feel all the love I have for him surge through my veins.
"Told you I ain't goin' nowhere."
I laugh again as I lower my face to his, my mouth hungry for our lips to meet. He kisses me fervently as he holds me up by my thighs. I forget everything in that moment. Where we are, where we were, who we're with. None of it matters right now. My tongue parts his lips, achin' to taste him again. One of his arms grips me under my legs as the other reaches up to the back of my head, lockin' my mouth to his.
I finally pull away. I look behind us to see the others were watchin'. I almost worry at how he'd react to them seein' us like that. He sets me on the ground. I know he isn't a fan of publicly displayin' what we are together. After almost losin' him, I realize I don't care anymore. I'll do whatever it takes to make him happy. He reaches back to swing his bow in front of him, bendin' down an' smirkin' up at me. I climb onto his back an' hold tightly to him as we make our way back to the group. I catch Carol smilin' at us. He doesn't set me down as he turns to Rick.
"We still headin' north?"
As we all situate amongst the three vans, Abraham tells us how Daryl got them outta there with a grenade. "If it weren't for that crazy jackass, we'd all be dead." Michonne smiles at Daryl, Carl close to her side.
"The crazy jackass almost killed us hisself usin' that damn thing." He laughs at her.
Everybody else is too busy talkin' 'bout the weapons, gas in the vehicles an' where we go from here. Daryl sets me down an' walks me to the back of the van where Maggie an' I were sittin'. We climb inside, he sits against the wall an' pulls me back against him. I can feel the rise an' fall of his chest against my back. I'm so grateful that he's here again. He wraps his arms around me. I smile, even though he can't see it. "I'm glad we didn't say goodbye, Daryl."
The rest of them are splittin' into groups between the three vans. Food an' water are bein' divided. Glenn gets behind the wheel of the one we're in, Maggie sits beside him. I see Michonne an' Carl comin' towards us, Rick's just behind them holdin' Judith. Daryl kisses the top of my head an' leans into my ear.
"We ain't ever gonna say it." His hand reaches up to my chin, turnin' my face to his. His eyes hold mine, they don't even slightly shift. I can feel it, somethin' in him's come alive. Somethin's changed. The force of his gaze confirms the truth behind what he's said to me. His lips fall to mine as he tells me he loves me, his words brush gently over my skin. I realize I don't care anymore what lies ahead of us. As long as I'm with him, I'd walk through Hell an' back.
"I love you, too."