-You disgust me. You sicken me.-

-I think that you should just die.-

-I just want him. I just want him so badly.-

-This is the last song ever written.-

-ALSDFKASDFLAHS!-

Oh God. I'm back, back again, Youtube's back, tell a friend, na na na.

I roll a bit, and nearly black out. Holy fuck. Holy shit what was that?

"DAAAD!" I shout. I'm not willing to get out of bed. I want to go back to Prospit, far from this fucking hellhole where there was no voices that hurt me or boys that confuse me or parts that hurt.

"DAH-AAAHD! PLEASE! HELP ME!"

Tears run hot down my face, and I slowly work my way to a sitting position. Mary mother of God, I think the pain might kill me. I lift up my sweater to see how badly I'm hurt.

And it's bad. Like, the fire-in-Burma-factory kind of burn. My skin phases from white to pink to dark red and black, the worst of it being on my chest. I don't even look human, and I've lost one of my tits. The skin's bubbled and warped, red and black, but I don't smell anything, which means no infection. Hopefully.

My handheld pings, and I scrabble for it through my patchwork quilt with my good hand.

[Fanfiction Dot-net (FFN) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

FFN: Hey! I know you've been quiet since the game started, but I've got news!

FFN: I've met my Patron Player, and he's super cool!

FFN: I really like him. He's just...he's so unique! And he's helping me hedge my way through my planet, which is nice because my sister ditched me and Interobanaraangsprite is a pain in the bum.

YTB: so u really like him?

Anything to get my mind off my body.

FFN: Yeah! He's so interesting, and although he keeps teasing me about stuff, I think he's super nice, and funny, and he's just so beyond words, y'know?

YTB: OHHHH

YTB: ;D

FFN: I don't follow.

I send him a quick link. More accurately, "I won't say I'm in love", from Hercules. It's super gay, but damn if it doesn't suit the mood. Damn my chest.

FFN: I love this song!

FFN: Wait.

FFN: Wait. A minute.

YTB: think it thru...

FFN: I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM! OH MY GOD! I'M NOT GAY!

YTB: u keep on denying who u r and whut ur feeling bby im not buying can't u see

YTB: THAT U'VE

YTB: GOT

YTB: GOT

YTB: GOT IT BAAAD!

FFN: NOOOOOO! I'm not in love!

YTB: Yes u r! U want to do bad thngs wit him!

FFN: Eww. No. Although, come to mention it, he does talk about it a lot.

YTB: SEEE! Lissen to Utube, bby. i got ur best interests in mind.

YTB: nail him!

FFN: I'm not in love. God. I can't believe how much you're reading into this.

YTB: either ur tryin to mak me helaous

YTB: or ur in love and terrificed to admit it

YTB: dont be porud it's okay ur in love.

FFN: I'm not talking to you anymore.

I giggle, rolling over happy and then gasping with pain. Damn my chest! But a boyfriend! Fanfiction's got himself a boyfriend! What a cutie.

Why hasn't my dad shown up to yell at me? I get that he's hands-off, or more likely hands-never, but I have a feeling he'd like to know why he's gotten the fuck out of Dodge for no reason.

But first, I have to share the good news. First aid can wait. Gossip is boss.

[Youtube (YTB) messaged Ficwad Dot-Com (FW)!]

YTB: hay gurl

FW: hey girl hey!

YTB: look i god some PRIME gossip, k?

FW: SPILL.

YTB: its about ur cuz tho it that ok?

FW: FFN? DOUBLE SPILL!

YTB: he mau or may not have a boyfreind.

FW: WHAT

FW: NO

FW: HES GAY?!

YTB: dont kno about gay but hes totally crushing on his patron palya

YTB: so maybe hes bi or polysexual or something

I haven't gotten a single message from Pottermore. Whatevs. He's probably off adventuring and exploring his new planet. "DAAAA-AAAA-AAAAHHHHD!"

I need some chill tunes. Anything to get me out of here and shut up my head. I start humming, but lose the beat when I try to stand up.

I crack open my bedroom door, and I catch movement in the hallway. Dad?

It's not my dad. My Sprite zips into my room and starts sniffing at my arm. I know it's bad. Really bad. But I don't want to lose the arm, so I'll just let it fucking fester and stuff.

"Yo! Catsprite! What's going on?" I ask, keeping my good hand on her head. I slowly draw out my flame-broiled copy of The Great Gatsby and then just sort of jam it in there.

Why on earth did I play this stupid game?

Ergo, Catsbysprite.

"Dahling! It's so very nice to meet you!" she trills. She looks like a furry, if they had furries in the 1920's. But her eyemakeup's legit cool, so whatever.

"I need to fix my arm," I tell her.

"And your hair," she informs me.

"What the fuck is wrong with my hair?"

She frowns. "Don't use such uncouth language. Your hair is a rat's nest, that's what's wrong with it."

I try to drag my hand through it, but I quickly hit a tangle that could scalp me if I go through it.

"Can you fix my arm?" I ask, hoping that I can just camp out in here until it heals. I lift up my shirt to show her, and she sucks in her breath. "Kitten, I'm so sorry, but I don't think you'll be able to keep it."

I nod. What else can I do at this point? I'll probably have to do it myself, too. Yikes.

My handheld buzzes with incoming messages.

[ ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? (MSPAF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

MSPF: hi there! :B

YTB: fuck off

MSPF: Well I Never

MSPF: Can You Not See Im Here To Help You

YTB: what the hell dude u sound lik my dad

MSPF: YOU'RE SERIOUSLY STARTING TO AGGRAVATE ME, FUCKASS!

YTB: meth head

MSPF: Le siiiiiiiign

MSPF: i think we got off to the wrong start.

YTB: no really?

MSPF: I am MS Paint Adventure Forum!

YTB: holy shit

YTB: what a mouthful

MSPF: yeah i had pretentious parents.

MSPF: D- But I am here to make your gameplay as STRONG as pawsible!

YTB: what the fuck is up with ur typing style?

MSPF: ...Did you...not read the comic?

YTB: no but ive seen vids and stuff

MSPF: FUUUUUUUUUCK. WHY DOES NOBODY READ THE COMIC...

YTB: its boring thats why

MSPF: Oh shoosh. You sound like Tumblr.

MSPF: If y0u read the c0mic, y0u'd get all these excellent references.

YTB: the damn thing's eight gabillion pages hell naw

MSPF: okay we can either argue in circles or we can actually get shit done.

YTB: latter plz

MSPF: aight. First off, why are you not killing anything?

YTB: dunno. mostly cuz i need to get a fucking amputation.

MSPAF: What's your class and title?

YTB: wtf

MSPF: UUUUUUgh. the things i do. for yoU people.

MSPF: Okay. So I'm the Heir of Time.

MSPF: Which means that I'm protected by time and can use it to protect others.

YTB: does erreryong get a thing lik dat

MSPF: YES!

YTB: so wats mine?

MSPF: I don't know yet, but I do know one of your teammates titles!

MSPF: The youngest in your squadron, Ficwad? Sylph of Doom.

MSPF: She can heal others from doom. Eventually. It's not like titles come free!

YTB: expalin everything now.

MSPF: Okay. So this is how it works. Everyone gets a title, but not everyone gets to use their powers that come with the title. Sure, some aspects might come up but they won't stay forever.

YTB: not even urs?

MSPF: Nope. I'm able to jump back and forth in my timeline, but only up to a certain point. After that, everything blacks out.

MSPF: I try to stop things that'll end my timeline from happening. I can't get caught by enemies, and I get to protect people.

MSPF: All alternate timeline clones die though. I've had to bury my own body a few times.

YTB: so how do u get it 2 stick for good

MSPF: Well, there's the kissing rule, which means that if you die, and somebody kisses you, your dream self can leave their planet and you live as your dream self.

YTB: WTF actually

MSPF: Yes. Completely Canon.

MSPF: buuuuuuuut then there's God Tier. God Tier is when you die in the right spot in the right time and you come back to life with powers and shit.

MSPF: That's abridged, by the way.

MSPF: But don't worry! I'm here to help you! And make sure you don't die!

What a complete and total freakshow. Then guess who shows up?

[Pottermore (PM) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

PM: Hi dear! :)

PM: I hope you're doing okay.

PM: I'm just worried because you seemed a bit stressed when you were coming in.

PM: But we've got a joint team grist account that you can use.

PM: So there's that.

YTB: wepon upgrade

YTB: now

PM: Whoa there! What's wrong?

YTB: brned arm

YTB: cant keep it

PM: Oh my! I hope you're okay!

PM: Please tell me you're okay.

PM: You can talk to me whenever you like.

PM: I don't mind. At all. I'm always here.

YTB: artne yu sweet

-Where's your soul?-

-Where's your dad?-

-Where is my mind?-

-Ted Anyone?-

"Shut up!" I snap, and I hear skittering and shrieks from the next room. "Oh, Youtube! Dear me! Are you quite pawlright?" Catsbysprite flutters to my side, wrapping her arm around me. I nod. "I'll be okay. It just sucks right now," I murmur.

"Oh, you poor thing. I'll take care of the meownsters. You just work on getting us out of here," Catsbysprite purrs, floating gracefully after the monsters.

I look up from a window to the Gate above my house. Fuck, it's not that far.

I do a couple update floors for me and then give a couple to FFN. Why not. And I'll worry about Alchemization when I get through the Gate.

But...god, the internet Homestuck freak won't leave me alone.

[MS Paint Adventure Forums (MSPF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

MSPF: :33 Do you trust me?

YTB: no go f urself

MSPF: Charming, aren't you?

MSPF: If you go all the way to your planet now, prepare for even more burns.

MSPF: Sick ones, if you will.

YTB: shut up

MSPF: Don't say I didn't warn you.

Catsbysprite carries me through the Gate, seeing as I can't climb myself, and then there I am. Everything is covered in a thick green smog, and the wind whistles over the desolate landscape. It's sort of pretty in a fucked up sort of way. But I inhale and choke, choke hard, and start coughing. Fuck, what is that? I fall forwards, and Catsbysprite takes me somewhere, away from the choking green and down under the ground.

[MS Paint Adventure Forum (MSPF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

MSPF: I warned you about the gas, bro.

MSPF: I told you, dog.

YTB: wut the fuck is all this

MSPF: Chlorine gas! Listen, your new planet has pretty much no breathable oxygen. It's all underground in caves. So make yourself a helmet and suit, because the atmosphere will literally burn the flesh off your bones.

MSPF: the chl0rine gas will burn y0ur lungs until they pop.

MSPF: y0u will die by coughing 0ut and up y0ur lungs and eyes.

YTB: eurgh thanx for that prick.

MSPF: FREE LUNG FOAM FOR EVERYONE, FUCKER.

I take a break from lung foam and look around. The cave I'm in is swirling with moths, little brown things, and Catsbysprite is pawing through them, meowing like a lady. And even though my eyes burn, and my arm kills, I manage to make out the title on the wall.

Land of Song and Pestilence.

The chlorine gas managed to blister the skin on my right hand, but my chest is still the biggest issue. I can't do anything about that right now.

So I take out my boomerang and go to work on my hair, pale blonde knots falling to the floor of the cave, and I can feel air on my scalp. I probably look like Anne Hathaway in Les Mis. But I've got some serious Grist to earn, and I lurch heavily to my feet. Water would be good right now. Water would be excellent.