My new planet is called the Land of Plot Holes and Leviathans. I've scarcely been here before my sister ditches me to try to find a way back to Ficwad. So basically, I'm in the care of Banana Sprite, who doesn't shut up. I mean, it's not like I need anymore guidance from her, so it's cool that she ditches me. And right now, it's not that bad. Because...there's...well, I don't know how to put it.

There's a boy. I guess.

And I'm not sure if I'm gay or what, but he seems really attractive and charming, despite the fact that he seems a bit overly violent and he is totally confusing me with mixed signals.

And I don't even think that it should matter who or what I'm into. So why do I care? Other than the fact that I really can't talk to anyone about it, then yeah, I'm just in the pink.

Interobanaraangsprite slams a fist into a boulder, cracking it in half, and giving us enough space to walk through.

"Thanks."

"Aynothang."

A cold wind starts blowing, and I pull out some new gear I made specifically for me. Such as a Glee blu-ray and a hoodie, making the "Gold-star lamè sweatershirt."

My palm vibrates, and I know who it is before I answer the message.

[? ? ? ? ? ? ? (HSG) messaged Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN)!]

HSG: fuck

HSG: we need to talk.

FFN: What's wrong?

FFN: You're not mad at me, are you?

HSG: What? God no. Chill your self out.

HSG: I'm just injured and pissed as fuck.

HSG: And I'm just having a bit of a think.

FFN: A think, you say?

HSG: yeaaaah. A Think.

HSG: About retribution.

FFN: Yeah?

HSG: Because Tumblr did a thing. Tumblr lieed to me.

FFN: Okay.

HSG: She told me that Homestuck updated, but that wasn't true.

HSG: And I've got a jetpack that runs on rage. So I just fell out of the sky.

HSG: Pschoo.

HSG: and I nearly died.

HAD: And then my rage skyrocketed and sent me skidding through the glass on my planet so I look like I just exited a passionate lovemaking sesh with Edward fucking Scissorhands.

HSG: So I'm wondering how I can make her amends.

HSG: Implies she can't get away with this.

FFN: Hey, she was probably just messing around! Don't worry about it!

FFN: And stop using such vivid metaphors. Because that sounds almost as painful to experience as it is to picture.

HSG: SHE WILL PAY DAMMIT. And I'd give you more details but the human vocabulary lacks the eloquence to convey the actual amount of blood I've lost. So if I'm whimsical, please forgive you and blow me.

HSG: Or is it the other way round?

We end up ping-ponging back and forth about this for a while, but I actually couldn't care less about Tumblr. Because I know that he's not gay, and most of that misplaced homoerotic sentiment is actually misplaced irony.

I half-heartedly slice through an imp, and collect the grist it spits out. This game is actually super boring and I'm having no fun, and I hate everybody.

Interobanaraangsprite slugs my shoulder, and then hits me again, harder.

"Ow! Quit it!" I snap, swinging a fist at him.

He just chuckles and goes in for another quick three punches.

"Ow! Don't hit me!" I shout, swinging at him with my Mosh Jot Strife. He ducks under the arc of it and then goes bounding off into the forest, giggling madly.

"I'll get you!" I call, and go running after him, unwilling to cut sideways and divert my path, so I end up springing off various arboreal elements. I clamber up a tree and out on a branch, then jump off. My body weight sends me careening down to the forest floor landing in front of Interobanaraangsprite, but he floats over me and keeps booking it.

"You won't escape so easily!" I shout, and roll up after him. The ground squelches under my feet, and I am so focussed on catching that guy that I run off a cliff.

The surf is cold, and the water goes straight up my nose. I float to the top, and a wave pushes me to the cliff wall. Interobanaraangsprite perches on the wall, sitting on a larger handhold.

"You suck so hard," I tell him, water running out of my nose and down my face. He shrugs. Cocky little jerk. But he does get a wave to push me to the cold sand shore. My gloves are still functional, and HSG's finally shut up, although he's yet to tell me his real name. Interobanaraangsprite starts digging in the sand, unearthing a few caulk grist tokens, but nothing major. He starts making a hill, and I lie down. I should be fighting monsters right now, but I worked really hard running after Intero, so no, I'm not moving any time soon.

Meanwhile, in Deep Space, The Author watches Fanfiction Dot-net with hooded eyes. This lazy idiot is the key to the survival of all the characters, him being the Knight of Life, but he is such a churlish hooligan with no value for his friends or family that she wonders if she damned the whole session by giving him that title. She cradles her aching head in her hands. No wonder nobody likes her work.