Here's one not-so-fricking-A thing about the Land of Song and Pestilence. Okay, LOSAP. Happy now, thickhead?
The only oxygen's down below in caverns. The monsters like the oxygen. So really, how badly do I want that air? Pretty damned badly, as a matter of fact.
I've hollowed out the emerald ogre that thought it could interrupt my chat with Pottermore, and I collected the grist it spat out. At this point, it's not even killing-for-the-sake-of-killing, it's more, hey, this gives me some hella sick swag so why not just drop it? On the up-and-up, my hair's started to grow back in tufts, so my head looks like I took a weed whacker to it. The burn on my arm and chest have crusted up nicely and don't smell or look infected anymore. But I'm still keeping an eye on them. My hand's still a bit stiff, so I'm moving it whenever I get the chance. And even more good news, I've made myself a set of armor. Regulationator is such an unoriginal and sort of blasé name, but whatever. It's supposed to be white, but it doesn't stay white. For serious, how do girls in video games manage to keep their white clothes white? But I've got lifts in the soles to make me look taller and stylized shoulder things to make me look bigger. Kind of like a guy. The helmet's red, with white stripes, and the black visor is outfitted with my computer and it keeps track of my hydration and injury rates.
And yeah it put a bit of a hole in the Grist account but who cares? I rake in more than the rest of the team combined.
My breath mists against my visor. I slide through a small crack between some elephantine boulders, rocks grating against my arms. I've stumbled upon an underground lake, something clear and looking pretty monster-free right now. My helmet comes off, and I tuck it under my arm. I let go of it when I get to the shore, and kneel down to drink straight from the source. I should probably boil it or whatever, but I'll be fine. Fuck ebola and dysentery.
The rest of my armor follows my helmet, clothes too. Kneel on the shore and wash them out, spread them flat out. Because darn if a girl can't build up some serious sweat stains running around in these caverns. I take a few steps back, then get a running start. Cannonball into the middle of the lake.
I sink, water flowing into my ears. I never realized how much I missed the feeling, irritating though it might be. Weird how you miss stupid things.
And then my brain pops.
-Fucking fuck shit hell goddamn it, why can't you leave me alone, asshole?-
-I'm done with you.-
-Shut up. Back off.-
Whoa! Okay! I float to the surface and tread water. And just like that, it's gone. I mean, yeah, I've always had issues with hearing voices, but they've been...managed, I guess. They've been better. And yeah, they just sort of pop up in a giant spam field sometimes.
Okay, mood ruined. Thanks for nothing, useless hallucinations.
I swim back to shore, and my helmet starts to buzz with incoming messages. I slip it on over my wet head. Oh look. It's Pottermore again.
He's got some sort of group message going on, and drops the Christmas bomb. Like I care. Fuck Christmas. My dad's not too big on the Christmas. So I shared the only happy memory I had. I mean, I never really knew my mom or what happened to her. So when my dad slurred "You Look jus' Like Your Mother," I kind of felt like maybe I meant something.
My helmet buzzes with a new message. Just great. More Christmas Bullshit. I'd rather blast my music and ignore all of them. Ever get the feeling that everything would be better if they were all dead?
I open the new chat window. Ooh, MSPAF!
[MS Paint Adventures Forum (MSPAF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]
MSPF: Hey. You there?
YTB: wut up?
MSPF: fuck. Fuck. FUCK!
YTB: Hey hey hey whoa there shorty
YTB: u aight?
MSPF: Shit. Shit, honey.
MSPF: It hurts so badly.
MSPF: God, Tumblr, sorry.
YTB: ?
MSPF: Oh. Oops.
MSPF: What timeline am i in again
YTB: wtf
MSPF: listen to me
MSPF: im dying
YTB: HOLY FUCK WHERE ARE YOU I'M SAVING YOU PRONTO.
MSPF: dont bother.
MSPF: I'm a time player. And I'm not really yor version of me either.
MSPF: I think I'm on an alternate timeline from you.
YTB: o srry
YTB: is tha eveythin
MSPF: Not. quite.
MSPF: Listen. My session's not been entirely...
MSPF: What's the word...
MSPF: Truthful.
MSPF: with yours.
MSPF: we didn't jjust randomly pick yours
MSPF: for no reason. okay
MSPF: without your session, mine's toast
MSPF: we can't move forward in the game without one player from your session.
MSPF: The rest of you can die. That's alright.
MSPF: But if the one we need dies, then we all die.
MSPF: and I'm the hero. it's me.
MSPF: so i cant let this happen because i need to protect everyone
MSPF: Fuck ow.
YTB: wait move forward?
MSPF: Yeah. At the end of the game, you get to create your own universe.
MSPF: But you need two specific types.
MSPF: To do that. we don't got em. weve got one. Fuck, that stings.
YTB: Wut 2?
MSPF: You need a knight. and a space player.
YTB: wait i dont rmember theis shit
MSPF: WOULD IT ACTUALLY KILL YOU TO READ THE COMIC?
MSPF: weve got the space player
MSPF: Tumblr's the Thief of Space but we've got no knight.
MSPF: you guys do.
YTB: so basically u guiz only buddyed up bcuz weve got a player u need
MSPF: Aren't you quick.
MSPF: Sorry for messaging you out of the blue like this.
MSPF: Because my version of you died early.
MSPF: And I really, really miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss your laugh.
MSPF: I mean, we had this excellent matespritship going on and you just died.
MSPF: So I'll pretty much settle for anything here.
YTB: WHOA OKAY easy ther
YTB: matesprits? fo shor?
MSPF: I love you.
I've curled into myself, helmet on, watching the messages scrolling steadily upwards. Whoa. Like, seriously, wow. What do I even say to that? I mean, it's sad that he's lost his...me. Or whatever. But does he really need to do this? God, what do I even say? Ms Paint Adventures Forum keeps talking, substituting his version of me for the one I am.
MSPF: In the timeline im in right now?
MSPF: I fucked up. Again.
MSPF: I'm the only one left alive.
MSPF: And I don't think I'll be here for long.
MSPF: You're dead. HSG's Dead. DA's Dead.
MSPF: FFN's Dead. Shit, man, even the little girl's dead.
MSPF: Little girl Ficwad. She died last.
MSPF: She crawled over to her cousin and held his hand, even though he was long gone. Didn't want to die alone.
MSPF: and i'm dying too.
YTB: ur scaring me
YTB: wut do i do
MSPF: GOOOD! VERRY GOOD!
MSPF: Get scared! Prepare yourself! Please! PLEASE!
MSPF: please.
MSPF: i cant watch any more of you guys die.
MSPF: I can't keep doing this.
MSPF: I can't lose you again.
MSPF: I'm trying not to screw up. I can't keep doing this anymore.
MSPF: im not even sure whats real.
YTB: ur here. with me. um its okay and stuff
YTB: everythings going to be fine
MSPF: im supposed to be the hero
YTB: u r the hero.
YTB: hello?
YTB: hloy shit.
I rip my helmet off. Sweat's pocked up along my spine, and the voices are back, harder than ever. He's dead. Oh My God. Fuck! He's dead. Shit. Shit. Shit. He's dead. I'm in over my head.
I wonder who he needed? I don't think any of us have gone over titles since we started the game.
My helmet buzzes like an angry bee and I slide it back on.
[MS Paint Adventure Forums (MSPAF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]
MSPF: hey sexy! :B
MSPF: Listen Up!
MSPF: 1'M F4STR4CK1NG YOU L1K3 TH3R3'S NO TOMORROW! :]
YTB: um.
YTB: u just messaged me
MSPF: Haha what no I didn't!
MSPF: God, must've been HSG trolling you. Oh, him!
YTB: u died...
MSPF: Again? Man, I suck at this!
YTB: u said I died too.
MSPF: Yeah, well...I've seen everybody die and infinite amount of times. because im a time player and it's what I do.
YTB: no nuh uh gut that out okai
YTB: i just listened to one of your alt selfs DIE
YTB: and he said that we had a thing
YTB: n that he loved me
MSPF: Um. Um. Um.
MSPF: wow okay
There's a silence between us. The quiet runs with the things that we don't want to talk about, like dying and love. And think I'm crying but I'm not sure. Because I don't need this drama. I hate playing on a team and it would be so much easier if everybody kept it in their pants and nobody cared all that much.
YTB: and one more thing
YTB: you need a player from ur teem for ur final stage whatever
YTB: is that tru?
MSPF: yeah. it's true. dont be mad at me.
YTB: who is it?
MSPF: i cant tell you!
MSPF: IT WOULD LITERALLY KILL EVERYONE. PROBABLY.
YTB: okaz who ISTN it?
MSPF: clever little thing.
MSPF: It's not you. Unfortunately.
YTB: wats my titel hs boi
MSPF: ugggggh can we not do this
MSPF: your title's non-canon.
MSPF: you are
MSPF: THE BARD OF MIND!
YTB: wait. can't only guys be bards twf
MSPF: ...
MSPF: I think you might actually be learning something.
MSPF: but yeah bard is traditionally male dominated
YTB: but aint the red karkat a seer?
MSPF: what.
MSPF: HIS NAME IS NOT. RED. KARKAT.
MSPF: IT IS KANKRI. and yes, he's a seer. Which is traditi9nally a female d9minated class.
YTB: so why cant i get a dude costume and stuff
MSPF: There are so many things wrong with your interpretation that I can't even begin anywhere. You are nigh unfixable.
Okay, he got me. I start laughing, while MS Paint Adventures Forum launches into explain-stuff mode.
MSPF: Allow me to inform you about your duties as a Bard of Mind.
MSPF: YOU GET TO BRING DESTRUCTION USING YOUR MIND.
YTB: so basically i get to be jean grey with a codpiece
MSPF: you ruin everything.
YTB: love you 2 bby
There's a brief silence. I wonder if that made him laugh?
MSPF: but in all seriouznizzit
YTB: please god never say that again
MSPF: There's a massive blackout coming up. I can't time travel past it.
YTB: so it's a big deal?
MSPF: IT'S A SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE ON MY PRECIOUS TIMELINE.
MSPF: YES. IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
YTB: so wut?
MSPF: warn your team. they need to be prepared!
YTB: lol okay.
MSPF: do it now!
Back in Deep Space, The Author notices that Youtube does not warn her team about the coming blackout. She merely keeps moving from oxygen-filled cavern to oxygen-filled cavern, chatting with MS Paint Adventure Forums. As the Heir of Time, he's reset both his and her timelines multiple times to try to protect as many people as possible. On the first wall to her left, Ficwad curls up in the shade of a tree and goes to sleep. On the third wall, is slaying monsters while trying to sext HSG. Neither pursuit is going well.
Behind her, on the second wall, Pottermore is debating messaging Youtube to tell her about his feelings. Youtube's on the fourth wall. She begins to bond with MSPAF, who tells her stories of his daring time-traveling expeditions, battling all sorts of creatures to bring peace back into the world. He forgets his spot multiple times, but she doesn't get cross. She merely reminds him of what happened last. He tells her it's hard to remember stuff from all the timelines he's been in-he doesn't remember which he's in now, even! That makes her laugh. She tells him about her dad. About her friends, about being Albino and the boomerang cuts. They form references. Inside jokes. And Youtube lightens up a bit. Shocking.
Behind The Author, on the second wall, Pottermore taps out a quick 'Hey, I love you' to Youtube, but erases it just as quickly.
Eventually, MSPAF sends out the message to Youtube that will make everything complicated later.
MSPF: Hey, you know I wear glasses, right?
YTB: o rely?
YTB: i kinda like boys who wear glasses.
YTB: :D