"GO! GO! GO RUN MOVE NOW!"

Interobanaraangsprite doesn't need any more prompting than that. I'm nearly to the mouth of the cave, feeling the hot breath of a million monsters on my ankles. I trip, tearing a hole in the knees of my jeans. Nearly immediately, something lands in between my shoulder blades.

My mind fills with late-night zombie movie clips where the best friend/token ethnic friend/stoner trips over their stupid feet and is clawed to shreds. Mosh-jot-strife's way too unwieldy to use in such a small space, so I reach back and toss him forwards, leaping over a slimy imp-like body on my way past.

See, I got a little bit idle. A wee bit curious, if you will. Or, really really really really stupid dumb. The others were taking a lot of stuff out of the Grist account, but they weren't putting in as much as they were sucking out.

Wow, that sounds erotic.

So I decided to go fight my denizen, and claim every bit of Grist he would bleed.

I have yet to find my denizen. I just found a big bunch of monsters that decided that I was majorly infringing on everything and must die for my crimes. Thus, Go Time has become Run For Your Life Amateur Hour.

I skid out into the murky sunlight, which is practically blinding after being in choking darkness for two hours. Blink to clear your eyes. C'mon, idiot, your sis taught you everything. You can survive this. Fuchsia whorls condense at the edges of my vision, and I focus on skirting the edge of a row of trees. If I go in, the smaller imps and basilisks will climb up and jump down on me from there. Interro's not that far ahead of me, and he doubles back to help me out.

"NO! GO! FORWARDS!" I shout, and it feels like my lungs are collapsing. I suck in more oxygen, willing it into my blood. Interobanaraangsprite cocks his head, not getting the message.

"CLEAR A PATH!" I shout, and look back over my shoulder. A rolling tide of blue imps and basilisks is still behind me.

He gets the message, turning around and pulverizing the dirt into flat land.

My mouth tastes like battery acid, and I know I won't be able to outrun them all forever. I'm also not stupid enough to take them all on at once. I don't have any gadgets to help me escape, so whatever I do here is up to me.

My legs start to burn, and an enterprising basilisk swipes at my calves.

I leap forwards, and my pants rip, cracking at the seams. Whoa baby! Way too close! Mosh-jot-strife is out and snicks off the head of that pesky beast. I scoop up the meager sapphire grist and face down a horde of ravening monsters.

It's weird how your mind can completely detaches in situations like this. All you can really see is teeth and drool and eyes and you move fast enough to hit them off.

But I'm just catching caulk and lich and ruby left right and center. Man, I'm a machine!

In time, Intero notices that I've fallen behind and am fighting for my life, so he comes back for the assist.

"GET BACK!" I call to him. He doesn't listen, and dives right in.

I keep thinking Defend as I'm hacking through limbs. I remember that. It's super weird because Bananasprite's proven he can take care of himself.

I fight until my limbs feel like lead. The ground sinks under my feet. The grist cache is stuffed with, well, grist. But there's just one more ogre I have to take care of and then I can sit down and pass out.

He's a mean looking thing, with two sets of tusks and glittery white skin. Diamond? Maybe a little bit of oil? I roll beneath his feet, and jam mosh-jot-strife in right next to it's Achille's tendon.

Do ogres even have Achille's tendons? That's so weird. I mean, I'd assume so, mostly because they are relatively close to people in anatomy or at least they are from what I'm able to see. But would they call it an Achille's tendon or would it be the tendon of Urg-Rar the Ogre god?

That is really interesting. Right, yeah, I'm supposed to kill this guy!

But maybe he's got a family and a bunch of ogre babies. Like Shrek. Maybe he's Shrek's dad. And that's why Shrek has such bad abandonment issues is because his dad wanted to kill a knight or something but the knight killed him.

I stalk backwards and press myself behind a tree. The ogre snorts, looking around in circles, assuming I'm hiding in his shadow. Then he looks up at the sky, because maybe I've flown away. Then back at the ground. After a while of repeating sky/ground lookabouts, he stumps back off towards the cave from whence he came. Interobanaraangsprite floats up to where I'm hiding, arms folded.

"Hey dude. Pretty sweet haul, huh?"

He furrows his brow, glancing back to the ogre's white back.

"I know, but what if he's got little ogre kids?" I respond.

He sighs. "Juswhathemtoo!"

"I'm not killing little ogre babies just for no reason! That's mean!" I respond, pushing away from the tree.

"But thegrewup! And theUUURGH!" he swings his arms, miming a big dad ogre.

"But...I can't kill babies! That's mean!" I protest. "Besides, we got some good loot out of it too, so what's the big deal?"

He shrugs, and then punches me in the shoulder.

"Ow."

He grins, and giggles, picking me up, and flies me back home. This is what happens when Fictionpress goes away. I come up with really half-baked plans and Intero almost becomes capable of speech.

A dark spot appears on the horizon, swelling blackish-blue. Great. Another Plot Hole. They're quite literally everywhere, this being the Land of Plot Holes and Leviathans. Plot Holes are basically black holes, except if you fall into them they can spit you out anywhere.

Interobanaraangsprite stops, turns his head back to the ocean to watch the plot hole grow. I'm sure there's some really big metaphor here, but right now I can't be bothered to think about it. So I get my gloves up and running and start talking to my friends.

Who haven't messaged me.

Jerks.

[Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

FFN: So. Are you guys dead or what?

YTB: wat

YTB: wiat u okt?

FFN: Yeah, I'm "Okay."

FFN: Psych. No, I'm not. Where've you guys been?

FFN: I'm on this team, don't shut me out.

FFN: No offense to the rest of you guys, but I am EASILY the best fighter.

FFN: So not talking to me at all is just hurting the team.

YTB: ...

YTB: ...

YTB: omg

YTB: aright okai pm trys to stnd up 4 u,

YTB: telln us to nt b so meen

YTB: and then u do somethig like this

YTB: and remind us tha total self-centred prik

FFN: Wow rude.

YTB: THIS GAME ISN'T ALL ABOUT U!

I wave my hand to clear the message. Screw them. They don't know what they're missing.

My message program comes up on the palm of my gloves, heating up my whole hand. I expect Youtube again, with more scathing, ill-placed hate, but it's not. Yay, HSG!

[ ? (HSG) messaged Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN)!]

HSG: Holy fucking hell pixieboy.

HSG: Nice shooting there.

FFN: Um. Good morning?

HSG: Implying it's good?

FFN: What's new with you?

HSG: UUUUUGGGHH.

HSG: Listen you know how Tumblr and i have a pretty

HSG: difficult

HSG: Relationship.

FFN: I know you guys hate each other, but that's about it.

HSG: OHHH HO HO HO.

HSG: THIS IS WHY I'M SMARTER THAN YOU.

Interobanaraangsprite flies me low enough that I can kick at treetops. I pedal my feet try to keep my eyes focussed on my palms.

HSG: SEE, HATE DOESN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DEFINE OUR RELATIONSHIP.

HSG: I HATE HER SO MUCH THAT I'VE BROKEN THE FUCKING HATE BARRIER.

HSG: Hate barrier reef is effing broke.

HSG: And I swear to God if she tells me to check my fucking privilege or blog about it I am going to seriously FLIP. MY. SHIT.

HSG: And MSPAF's on her side so whatever but DA's still in love with me because I'm hot.

HSG: Y'know I used to be in a relationship with MSPAF. But that's history.

FFN: That's interesting?

HSG: Bet your cute ass it's interesting.

HSG: Anyways. Your land. I like that shit.

FFN: Thank you! :D:

HSG: It's very...

HSG: LOPHALLIC.

My breath hitches. Excuse me?

FFN: What did you just say?

HSG: Hmm?

HSG: Oh yeah.

HSG: Your land's very LOPHALLIC, isn't it?

FFN: I...don't...

HSG: Implying something's wrong?

HSG: Implying it's not LOPHALLIC?

FFN: But...I...what?

HSG: Oh man.

HSG: Man oh man. God, look at the poor thing. He's got no idea what to do.

Unfortunately, most of our conversations these days revolve around you-know-what.

Y'know.

Sex.

Which is kind of gross, I guess. But...I dunno. No, wait. It's sort of...weird? Should I put a trigger warning on this?

HSG: What's on your mind?

HSG: Have you finally hit puberty and thinking about some fine female specimens?

FFN: NO.

HSG: It's perfectly fine if you are. I'm just trying to get a read on what you're into.

HSG: I'm into feet. Just girl's feet, mind you.

HSG: Tumblr's got nice feet.

I try to terminate the conversation, but he just won't leave me alone. The trip through the Gate dropped the house in the middle of one of the isles interspersed through the freshwater oceans on LOPHAL. Intero drops me off on the roof, and I go in through my bedroom window. I start ripping bloodstained clothes off me and shedding them on the floor. Screw all of this! God! Who needs that douche canoe anyways? I hate him! I don't want to talk about sex all the time or his drama.

Bathroom still mostly works, now that I got the shower hooked up. I switch the shower on. Does he even care about me?

The shower is nice. It is a friend shower. God, I hate being a teen.

Afterwards, I nearly message Youtube, but decide not to. She's probably off having great adventures with Pottermore or something.

My gloves vibrate on the counter. I dry off a hand and reach out to answer it.

[Ficwad (FW) messaged Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN)!]

FW: hey

FFN: Hey back.

FW: i just ginda realized something

FW: Kinda*

FFN: Oh really?

FW: yeah. everything's pointless

FW: and everybodys dead

FW: that girl you wanted to talk to?

FW: dead.

FW: that place you wanted to see?

FW: Gone.

FW: I'll never see mychem in concert :(

FW: BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING DEAD.

FFN: Look on the bright side.

FFN: At least they didn't break up! :):

FW: aww thanks