Steven knocked on the silo's new front door, which was from a vintage, blue pickup truck-looted from the barn's entablature. The door was flat and squarish, but, seeing as it was planted into the side of a fat cylinder, it didn't fit quite right. It was installed deeper into the wall of the silo so either side of the door would connect with the silo's support beams. The door still sat awkwardly, with its polygonal frame and its top and bottom not lining up with the curvature of the silo. Also, the door's faded blue clashed with the silo's faded red, and Steven could not decide whether this was aesthetically pleasing. The window was up.
Next to the silo, Steven found the wagon that he and Lapis used for harvesting crops. He had placed the blame on Pearl because he thought she didn't like it sitting under the porch; for days, Steven forgot to ask Pearl about it, but, here it was.
After giving the door a few good ole rap-tap-taps, he called, "Peridoooot! You in theeeeerre?!" He put his face to the window. He was still unable to see much, even when he cupped his hands.
After several more minutes of knocking and fogging up the window, the ghost of Peridot's sour apple face appeared from the void.
Putrid. That's the word Connie used once to describe, much to Steven's offense, Fish-Stew Pizza, and its purest definition had slithered into Peridot's face as she leered at Steven.
She took her time to do so, but Peridot unplugged the lock on the truck door. Steven mashed the button under the door's handle with his thumb and entered the silo.
Peridot was already ascending some wooden stairs made from old 2x4s when Steven shut the truck door behind him-the bang echoed up through the metal silo. In what little light there was, old machine parts slept on the floor-greasy engines and boxy computers-and tubes and wires hung from the beams of the second floor. The second floor, also rigged from squeaking wood, was supported by moldy fence posts that still had bits of barbed wire nailed to them. It only extended halfway across the silo.
Peridot strode upstairs, her small feet drumming the wood. She cast a shadow over Steven from the light up there.
Steven made his way upstairs like he was walking on glass; the wood cried under his weight. Six times he escaped death; he made it to top. Peridot was at her working desk.
"Some place you got here," said Steven. His voice carried up the silo.
"The echo is insufferable..."
Peridot's words sank into Steven's skin and he looked down at the truck door. "Sorry for knocking so much," he said. He inched up to her. "What are you working on?"
"A tool to measure the acidity level in a patch of soil."
"Oh, is that for Lapis?"
Peridot waved her hand as if she were shooing away a bad smell. "Lazuli can have her plants. This is for me."
"What will you do with it?"
She shook her head impatiently. "I needed something to do."
Peridot took her soldering iron in one hand and the wire for it in the other. She used them to solder some copper wire to a circuit board.
"You know," began Steven, "there was this one time when a friend of mine insulted my mom. It made me really angry, and sad. And even though I was pretty quick to forgive him, I still carried the pain from it with me for a while after that. And even though I hate to admit it, it was tough to even look at him for some time."
Peridot reached for her wire cutters. She snipped the copper wire she attached to the circuit board.
"Well, anyway, during that time, I'd be doing things to take my mind off it, like playing video games or board games, or being with other people-something. Because... well, I didn't like to think about it-that my friend, someone I'd known for years, had insulted my mom."
Peridot stripped the other end of the copper wire and pinched an adaptor to it.
"I was just... ya know... trying to keep myself from thinking about it..."
She hooked the adaptor to a clamp that was a part of some glass tubing and screwed it down.
"...my friend... insulting my mom..."
She stripped the end of more copper wire.
"...and the emotions that came with it..."
Peridot laid the exposed wire onto the circuit board.
"...and the pain-"
Peridot slammed her fist on her desk. "Steven! You're distracting me!"
"That's what I'm getting at," exclaimed Steven, throwing up his hands. He lowered his voice once he caught the raff of his echo. "You've been acting different lately. I'm just trying to figure out why-I mean-" He was about to directly ask Peridot about Topaz, but he couldn't. "-i-is something the matter? I'm always here for you. We are. I mean, and I know you don't like to talk about stuff, but you don't have to keep it all to yourself, all alone, a-and I just..."
"Steven." There was that putrid face again. Steven's toes clenched. The silo was a sauna; he could feel the sweat seeping into his shirt from his armpits.
"Actually," said Peridot, "I had been wanting to speak with you about a matter that is altogether displeasant for me to dwell on, and to continue dwelling on." She rose from her seat and crossed her arms. "This is the deal: I will tell you my thoughts and reservations about what has been plaguing me recently, and you will listen and give me your active, considerate and thoughtful response as you're so keen on doing. You will act as my third party, to aid me in settling my cogitations. You will receive nothing in return, nor any reward other than offering your Peridot counsel. And as needless as I feel it is to say, I'll say it..." Peridot sharpened her eyes to needle points. "None of this goes beyond you or me. Should I hear any of this reached anyone, especially those Crystal Clods, I'll find out exactly what it is that makes your existence possible, even if I have to break your composition down one molecule at a time..."
A bead of sweat made it to his chin before Steven realized Peridot was waiting for his response. He promptly nodded.
"Good," she said. Peridot switched off her soldering iron and took a seat in her Prisher-Fice chair. When she didn't see Steven in the other seat across from her, she glared at him. She wiggled her hand at it. "Sit."
Steven's chair was an upside-down bucket.
Peridot began, "So, how do we do this? Should we exchange pleasantries beforehand, to lull me into a state of vulnerability? Do we meditate first, potentially discover the roots of my discontent through spiritual clarity? Or, do you have a pocket watch to hypnotize me with? Or-"
"How about," said Steven, "you just start with telling me what's on your mind."
Peridot stared, startled, it seemed, with the simplicity of Steven's suggestion. "Right," she said. "Straightforward. Of course. I mean, why shouldn't it be as straightforward as simply TELLING you what I've been thinking about?" She could've performed Romeo and Juliet with how dramatic her hands and her head were. "Because how will we ever reach the SOURCE of the issue if I don't give you the full and unabridged information about what I've EXPERIENCED and my emotional and cognitive REACTIONS to those experiences?"
"Yeah..." said Steven.
"It's BOGGLING, really, to imagine that one should seek out a counselor, not give them full disclosure, and expect an educated and well-thought response from them."
"Uh-huh..."
"And if the counselor should ever have the GALL to give their respondent some half-witted advice, that they believe to be an all-inclusive ANSWER, as if it were some hot meal ticket, some 'How to Life' PAMPHLET, then they should be STONED to death."
"Uhh... Peridot?..."
"Uncivility for an uncivilized, unempathetic response. I mean, how DARE they?"
"Peridot!"
"YES?!... Steven?" Peridot didn't blink.
"Are you nervous?" said Steven.
Peridot crossed her arms. "I may be having some... difficulty getting into the subject matter." She uncrossed her arms to flail more. "I mean, why should I have difficulty? It's not like I've NEVER confided to anyone of any emotional TURMOIL." She crossed her arms again, tighter.
"Ok," Steven assured, "ok. No rush. Whenever you're ready. It'll be easier when you start."
Steven clasped his hands together in his lap.
Peridot crossed her legs. She tapped her foot that was in the air. She looked to the side.
Steven rubbed his thumbs together.
Peridot said, "I could also add the function of analyzing the soil content to my acidity tester. That way it can be used for general soil examination." Steven was nodding, and Peridot glanced at him. If her eyes had rolled any farther into her brow they would have seen her brain (or whatever Gems had in there). She sighed. "It was last month..."
Steven's hands were sweaty so he wiped them on his pants. Then he reassured Peridot he was listening. "Yeah?"
"It was last month..."
"Mhm."
"It was last month... when I saw her, again." Peridot quit shaking her leg.
Steven laced his fingers again. "Mm."
Peridot stared at the floor. Steven waited, seeing her think. "She was just there," she said. "Just right there. And... I was scared. I was really scared. Maybe it was because the fusion was there, I don't know-it was despicable of her to do that, by the way-but... I was scared when I saw her again.
"There was dread. And fear. But... not so much anger as I expected. I thought I'd say something slick, but all that came out was, what are you doing? It was stupid. And all that happened was we ended up fighting again...
"And she..." Peridot inhaled sharply and it cut Steven. "...she grabbed me and..." Peridot was crying now. "Sh-she had never said that to me before." She spilled herself onto her arms and her hands as she wiped her face.
Peridot grumbled. "And that whole thing, that mess, just made me... realize how much I missed her. I miss her, Steven. I miss her so much!"
Steven couldn't move, and he let Peridot cry. Her whimpers filled the silo. Steven's toes clenched and knuckles whitened and he wanted to puke. He came out of his trance when sweat dripped onto his arm. He wiped his face.
"Peridot..."
"Ok," she said, holding up a hand, "so, no, I haven't forgotten everything that's happened since being here. Her jumping off that cliff, the impasse with the Crystal Gems, her deserting her Homeworld-it's only taken me until recently to understand why she did that.
"She's changed in some ways. But, so have I. Honestly, your Crystal Gems and I still aren't exactly comfortable with each other. Not to mention Lazuli. She just sits there all day, every day. She only ever gets up to water her little plants, and when you come by. That's it. That's all she does. Much less can I hold down a conversation with her, unless it's about Camp Pining Hearts--the only thing we have in common.
"And when I think back to last month-all this time I've been thinking-and I just think that that dread I felt was me dreading that she would leave again, and the fear was wanting her to not go away again. And that's why I ran towards her. I can't think of any other reason I would."
Peridot dropped her hands in her lap. "Now... I don't know what to do because she's been so awful to me, and we've been at each other's throats for so long!
"It wasn't always like this. Stars, we used to enjoy each other. We laughed." Peridot leaned in with a growl, "And do you have any idea how HOT I felt compared to the other Peridots? I felt so superior to them because I had my Topaz. None of them knew about us, of course, we had to keep it a secret. Against protocol-forbidden..." A wry smile tugged on her face.
"But, it got to a point where we didn't laugh anymore. I resented the sound of her voice, her face, and her just being in the same room as me. I hated how content she was with not striving for more, and she hated how discontent I was with that. How am I enough for her?
"I mean, Topaz tried. She tried to have me back. She got down on her knees and begged me to have her back. And I pushed her away. Because it didn't. Make. Sense. There was no way that my-that Topaz... would be grovelling.
"I didn't know what to think about it for so long. I thought it a trick. Because, ever since coming here, she'd been acting like a little lost human child who couldn't tell its sire from its dam. I reasoned that she wanted me back because, as she had deserted Homeworld, I was all she knew. But, by that point, so much had changed; she was a stranger to me. I hated her. Especially after the things she did."
Peridot gasped again, but remained composed. "It's been a year since then. I don't know what she's been doing all this time, but, knowing that she's still around, I can't stop thinking about it, that maybe she's changed for the better.
"I've cut ties with my Diamond and I feel liberated in some ways. Maybe that's what Topaz needed.
"But, will I just sit around and never know? In regret for making her leave?" Peridot gazed at Steven. "What should I do?"
Steven was gaping. Peridot rubbed her nose and sniffled.
Steven said, "Uh..." He swallowed. His mouth was dry.
Peridot waited, kicking her foot again.
Steven unlaced his fingers and let the feeling flow back into them. He adjusted his bottom.
Peridot wiped her face. She looked down and away from him.
Steven's heart fell down to his Gem. "I think," he said, "that, um, you shouldn't... be with someone that hurts you."
Peridot grimaced. "Haven't you been listening to anything I've been saying? It wasn't always like that. And Topaz has changed. Maybe for the better. I want to know what she's done with her free will. I want to... be there."
"What if things haven't changed for the better?"
"We can't know for sure unless we find out," said Peridot.
"I just don't want you getting hurt anymore," said Steven.
"It wasn't always like that! I'll admit, Topaz and I have been through a lot of struggles-we've blatantly hated each other. But, we've also recklessly loved one another. This time away from each other, and without social status in the way, maybe it's what we needed. I want to try again."
"Ok. I get you... But... hate. You've talked a lot about hate. Hating each other. I feel that goes beyond just struggling... Love and hate don't mix."
"Of course they don't. When I think about the hatred, it came in moments, when Topaz and I fought, for example. Then, after some time, it overtook the feelings we had for each other. Just like the hate overtook the love, I feel the same can happen, but in reverse. I just want to get past it."
Steven sighed. "Peridot. This is just what I've noticed. Most times I've seen you and Topaz together, you two fight. There was only one time I saw different-"
"Exactly," said Peridot. "The love can come back."
"But, it didn't last. I don't want to see you hurt anymore. When I see you here with us, and how good you're doing, it makes me smile. Fighting doesn't... You seem to be doing well here."
"Tch. Maybe to you. Frankly, I've yet to acclimate to this planet. It's nothing to what I'm accustomed to. And this junk doesn't really stimulate me. Human advancement is so primitive. Imagine trying to build what you call a computer, but all you have are sticks and mud." Peridot shifted in her chair. "I want more than this."
Steven frowned. "Ok. I hear you. You want to be with Topaz again. Because you miss her. You still care about her. And whatever it was you two had, it pulls you back to her and you want it back."
"Yes."
"But, I want you to know, what I need you to know, is that... while I saw both of you caring about each other in the past... I didn't see that so much in Topaz last time we saw her. I'm not sure Topaz feels the same way you do. Especially with the way she treated you last time." Peridot shut her eyes. "I don't know. I'm not an expert in relationships. Maybe you two should try to just be friends? Like you and Lapis."
Peridot scowled. "Friends." She shook her head. "We had something. We had it."
"Peridot..."
"All that time. Was all that time for nothing?"
"No-!"
"Did I waste my time on one person for nothing?"
"It wasn't for nothing," said Steven.
"Then what?!"
"I don't know."
"If not nothing, then what was it?!"
"I don't know!" Steven clenched his knees. "I don't know. But, I know it wasn't for nothing."
"You're darn right it wasn't for nothing," exclaimed Peridot. "There's got to be more to it than just hormones."
Peridot huffed.
Steven's brow furrowed.
They both just sat there on their junk.
Steven grabbed his Gem. "Whatever you had with Topaz, it sounds beautiful. But, it's not that beautiful thing anymore. From what you've told me, it seems there came a point where you wanted to hurt each other.
"Last month, I couldn't tell if either of you were happy to see one another. What I saw, I realize, it was like both of you were scared to death of each other. I'm only now wondering..." He paused. "Well... I'm wondering if you feeling scared that day had anything to do with how Topaz has treated you, afraid that it might happen again."
Peridot replied, "Then why would I run to her?"
"I don't know..."
"I was only nervous because I was caught off guard and I didn't know what to say. And I didn't want her to run off again, or-"
"Ok, ok," said Steven, raising his hands, "I understand. It was just a thought."
More dust collecting on the table, and more sweat trickling down Steven's face. Peridot was holding her elbows.
Steven looked down at the old floor boards that had been warped from years of weather. The nails that bound them together were bent and there were divots around them that looked like the toothy face of a hammer. Some of them had chipped red paint on them.
"Hate can be overcome," admitted Steven. "Years ago, especially after I was born, Pearl hated my dad. And before that, they hated each other. All because they both loved my mom. After I was born and mom was gone, Pearl blamed my dad as the reason the Rose Quartz she knew no longer existed. And that lasted a long time. It was only until recently that Pearl only ever stomached my dad because of me. It was also one of the reasons why dad never lived with us. Dad was so mad about that, too."
Steven blinked. "After all these years, though, after they got past all that anger, they finally talked it out and now they've resolved everything and even like each other now. I'm pretty sure..."
Peridot looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Anyway," said Steven, "it took Pearl and my dad a long time to stop hating each other. Years. I don't think they could've just talked it out at any time." Steven breathed. "I don't know what that means for you and Topaz. This is the closest example I know. If last month was any clue, though, maybe you and Topaz need more time to get past things that have happened between you? Like, you and Lapis."
Peridot got up from her baby chair and moved it back to her desk then sat in it again. She turned her soldering iron back on and picked up her work-in-progress.
Steven watched her. Unable to leave, he got up, too, and went to Peridot. "I'm not trying to tell you what to d-"
"It's fine," said Peridot. "Fine."
Unable to stay, Steven turned to inch his way down the stairs. At the truck door, he said, "I'm here for you, ok? We all are."
Peridot didn't say anything.
After Steven had said goodbye to Lapis-who had asked him to leave his movies-he called Connie again on the way home.
"I think you said the right things," she said. "Peridot needed a reality check. But, I think that she and Topaz can have what they had again. I mean, why not? If they want it bad enough."
Steven wasn't going to tell the Gems about the talk he had with Peridot. Maybe it was selfish of him to do so, but he made a promise. And maybe that was selfish of him, to keep a promise to someone who obviously needs more help than he can give. Yet, Steven had told Connie everything, so maybe that was selfish, too. At the least, Steven had conceded not to tell the Gems, and, for him, that was fulfillment enough to Peridot's deal. At least for now.
Home, Steven made himself a sandwich and got a bag of chips, then crashed on his bed to watch TV. He tried to eat.
...