You sure you want to do this, baby?" Steve said, as he drove past the throng of reporters and pulled to a stop in front of the gray mansion. "If you want to stay in the car-"

Kayla shook her head. "Don't be ridiculous. They're my family."

And they're pissed off at me - with every right to be. "All right," Steve said. He got out of the car, walked over to Kayla, put an arm around her shoulder and slowly approached the house. Kayla rang the bell and they waited a few minutes until the door was opened by a man Steve did not recognize.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah . . . . We're here to see Kim and Shane." She paused. "Oh . . . you must be Andrew's bodyguard. It's Mike, isn't it? I'm Kayla, Kim's sister. This is my husband, Steve." From the look Mike gave, it was clear he knew exactly who Steve was.

"Mike, who's there?" Kim's voice carried down the hall on the other side of the door. She came into view. "Oh."

Kayla sounded exasperated. "Kimmie, would you please let us come in? We'd like to explain."

For a moment, Steve seriously wondered if Kim would agree, but she finally gave a curt nod. Mike stepped out of the doorway and they walked inside.

"Where's Shane?" Steve asked.

Kim looked at him. "I think you're the last person Shane wants to see." She gave him a withering glare. "You'd be dead by now if not for him. Did you even think about that for a second? Or were you so mad about a stupid job that you needed revenge and it didn't matter what might happen?"

If she had been yelling at him, it probably would have been less harsh. Something about the disappointment in Kim's voice made it worse.

"It wasn't like that," Kayla said. "You have to-"

"Sweetness." Steve cut her off. "It's okay. Kim's got every right to be angry. I'd be a lot madder than she is."

"You have no idea how mad I am," Kim said. Steve detected an undercurrent of anger in her voice.

Steve lowered his head. "I don't want to cause trouble. I . . . I just want to talk to Shane - to apologize and explain." He hoped she could tell he was being sincere. "Please, Kim. I need to talk to him."

There was a long silence, but finally Kim relented. "Fine. He's on the lakeside." As Steve turned and started for the back door, he heard Kim add, "He's not in a good place right now. Don't hurt him any more."

Steve doubted that was possible, but he just nodded and headed for the back. A few minutes later, he emerged through the garden gate onto the grassy expanse between the house and the lake. Shane was standing in the distance, near the water's edge.

His legs feeling like lead, Steve slowly made his way down to the water. When he got close enough to be heard, he called out Shane's name. Shane turned, his eyes widening in surprise. He recovered quickly and when he spoke, he betrayed no emotion.

"Steve . . . I didn't expect to see you here."

Steve looked down at the grass. "Yeah . . . well, I am." He kicked a nearby rock. "I wanted to talk to you, to try to explain. And to tell you I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen." He was surprised that Shane had not cut him off. In fact, once Steve finished, Shane just looked at him for a minute, then turned back to the lake. Shane did not respond.

"Come on, dude," Steve said. "Let me have it."

Shane remained silent.

Steve extended his arms out to the side. "I'm serious, Shane. I screwed up. Get pissed. Hit me. Hell . . . use some of that Kung Fu mumbo jumbo. Beat the crap out of me. I deserve it."

He saw a small smile play on Shane's lips for a moment, but then it disappeared. Shane continued to look out over the water as he said, "A couple of days ago, I wanted to tear you apart. And I would've if I'd had the chance." He shook his head. "I was so bloody mad. I probably walked a couple of miles back-and-forth in that cell, wishing I could break your neck."

"Then do it," Steve said.

"And then both our children can grow up without their fathers?" Shane shoved his hands in his pants pockets and took a few steps along the path that circled the lake. "Is that really what you want?"

"At least you should be mad."

"Trust me, I was. And I probably still am." Shane's voice never wavered. "But what's the point? I've got maybe two, three months to spend with my son before they lock me away. It seems like a bloody waste of time being angry with you." He shrugged. "Besides, the more I thought about it, the more it didn't really matter who talked. It was stupid of me to think the truth wouldn't come out. Any member of the ODA could've let it slip. Then there were the pilots, the doctors in Cyprus, and a whole mess of people at the ISA who might have leaked the story. Any one of them could have done it."

"But they didn't," Steve snapped. If Kim's disappointment had hurt him, Shane's calm reaction was even harder to take. "I was the one who gave you my word. I promised I wouldn't tell, and I did - to the worst person possible."

Shane seemed to think for a moment as he continued to stare out over the water. "So then . . . why did you tell Jack?"

Steve was glad at least that Shane wanted to know. Maybe the truth would bring his anger out. "I got drunk," Steve said. "After I slugged you at Wings, I wound up at the Heart. I guess Jimmy saw me tossing those drinks back and he called Kayla, and she called my baby brother to come get me. She figured I needed to talk." Shane's shoulders seemed to shake and Steve thought for a moment that he might be laughing. No, he was laughing. In disbelief, Steve thought, What the hell is going on? He raised his voice, trying to get Shane riled. "So I talked! I don't even remember doing it, but I talked. Told him everything that was in that damn article."

"So you were drunk and angry, and you can't even remember if you intended to do it?" Shane sounded almost amused. "It's almost tragic in its absurdity."

"Everyone's a critic, dude," Steve said bitterly. "I know it probably doesn't matter now, but Jack told me I said he couldn't tell anyone and he broke his promise."

"So I guess keeping one's word is an admired trait among the men in the Johnson family," Shane said. Steve could not tell if that was sarcastic or serious.

"Well, I guess we both trusted the wrong dudes." Steve was growing frustrated that Shane would not look at him. "Okay," Steve growled. "You won't get angry, fine. But it's my turn now. Why the hell didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me what would happen if I talked?"

"Would it have changed anything?" Shane asked, without turning. "Would you, in your drunken stupor, have said, 'gee, I'm mad at Shane and I'd break my promise to him, but I'd better not because instead of just thinking he'd get in trouble, he might get arrested'? Would that have made a bloody difference?"

Steve grimaced. "That's not the point. This is a hell of a lot more than 'getting into trouble.' Hell, they were talking murder charges in there!"

For the first time, Steve got the reaction that he wanted. Shane wheeled around and glared. "You don't have to tell me what the charges are."

Steve held his arms out again. "Go ahead. Now you're angry. Hit me." He was met with disappointment again. The angry glare in Shane's eyes faded and he heaved a sigh.

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to feel beholden to me," Shane said. "You already were angry at me for keeping you in Cyprus, and I knew you'd be even more angry when you found out about me and Kayla. . . . It just seemed like it would make things worse."

"But you put so much on the line to get me out." Steve was still baffled. "You could've chosen to stay in Salem and not take that risk."

"I could have chosen?" Shane made a sound like an almost-amused snort. "You don't get it. There was no choice. I couldn't leave you there. And even if it wasn't for you, I had to do it for Kayla."

Steve's eyes narrowed and he scowled. "For Kayla?"

"I don't know what Kayla's said about our . . . relationship." Shane's word made Steve flinch; the thought of Shane and Kayla together was still hard for Steve to take. But he said nothing as Shane continued. "What we had - whatever it was - it was founded on one overriding principle. We just wanted to make each other happy. Kayla was never going to love me like she loved you; I knew that. I accepted that. But after you died, she was in so much pain and I saw it every day. And I just wanted to take away a little of that pain and make her happy."

Shane took a few steps along the path, and kicked at some of the dirt.

"Nothing could possibly have made Kayla happier than having you back."

This time, Steve shook his head. "Nobody's that noble, Donovan."

Shane held up his arms and shrugged. "Consider me practically ready for knighthood. It just might have to wait about 40 years."

"Dude, that's not funny." How could Shane even joke about a thing like that? Steve wondered.

Shane turned back to the lake. Slowly, he said, "No, it really isn't. But it's the reality. I can't beat these charges."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Steve's voice rose again. "Of course, you can. Just prove you were on an ISA mission. It can't be that hard. Don't tell me you have helicopters and soldiers at your beck and call whenever you want them."

"I'm the number 2 man in the ISA." Shane paused as if he had to think about what he had just said. "Sorry . . . I was the number 2 man. Do you really think it would have been hard for me to fake some personnel orders and requisition some helicopters? Do you think the ISA isn't sitting right now on a stack of documents that I supposedly 'created' for my unauthorized mission?"

"Then call the soldiers," Steve said. "You saved Deakins' life. I heard him goin' on about 'Spooky this' and 'Spooky that' at that hospital. He'd come and say it was an official mission."

Shane glanced sideways at Steve. "Yeah, you're probably right. He probably would. That's why I'm not calling him."

"Oh, give me a break, dude," Steve argued. "The ISA's trying to make you their scapegoat and you're just gonna let them? At least, fight back."

"By ruining Deakins' life?" Shane asked, his dark eyes settling on Steve.

"What does that mean?" Steve said. The way Shane was looking at him was unnerving.

"If I call Deakins and he testifies, what happens to him? He gets arrested for revealing classified information. He's got kids too, and a wife. What happens to them if he's court-martialed? He'd lose his job, his reputation, and the pension his family would probably need to survive." Shane's eyes remained fixed on Steve. "Basically . . . he'd be exactly where I am right now. No, Steve. I won't save my own skin by asking Deakins to trade places with me. I bloody well knew what I was getting into. He was just following orders."

"I don't get you, dude."

"No, I suppose you don't." Shane shifted his gaze back over the lake. "That's not surprising really. There's a difference between us, Steve. You believe in 'me first' or, at least, 'me and my family first.' I guess that's understandable. You grew up without a family. You didn't have much and you had to fight for everything. So I can understand; if you hadn't put yourself first, you probably wouldn't have survived."

Steve shifted uncomfortably. He wanted to tell Shane to shut up, that he didn't know Steve at all. But he also thought Shane was hitting uncomfortably close to home.

"I'll tell you a secret, Steve. When I left England last month, it was for a mission in Baghdad. The thing was a bloody disaster. I should have died. I mean I was staring down the barrel of a nine-millimeter waiting for the Iraqi to pull the trigger." He touched his forehead. "Right here. Another few seconds and the bullet would have gone right here. I would've been a dead man. Thanks to our friends in the Army, I'm not. They showed up like the cavalry coming over the ridge at dawn." Shane fell silent for a minute, before adding, "I can't destroy any of them."

Steve didn't know what to say. He understood what Shane was saying, but it was stupid. There's no point throwing your life away like that. "At least, let Deakins make his own decision."

"I can't do that. Like you said, he'd probably agree." Shane shook his head. "He'd think he owes me-"

"For saving his life, you're damn right," Steve insisted. "He does."

"And I owe him for saving mine, so we're even. And-" Shane turned again to face Steve and sighed. "Okay . . . let me see if this helps you understand. The ISA depends on the military all the time. For things like the raid to get you, for extractions, for all sorts of things. What soldier's going to put his life on the line for an ISA agent if it means losing his career and who knows what else?"

Steve rolled his eyes and did not hold back on his sarcasm, "So you're going to let them send you to jail to save all those future ISA agents. Oh, that's just great, Donovan. You'll take a bullet for them, but where are they for you? The ISA doesn't give a damn about you. Don't you get that, dude? You're like some broken part of a car. If you break, they just toss you away, replace you with another part, and drive on. Don't you understand that?" Inexplicably, to Steve's annoyance, Shane responded to that by chuckling. "What's so damn funny?" Steve demanded.

"We're just from two completely different worlds," Shane said, obviously amused. "But you're right. That's exactly what I am to them."

If I'm right, why aren't you pissed off? Steve thought.

Shane grew serious. "What you just said. It reminds me of something Tarrington said the other night. 'Anyone's expendable.' That's what he said. And he was right. That's the first rule of being a spy - no man is more important than the mission."

"That's just stupid," Steve replied. He just couldn't believe this crap Shane was spouting.

Shane sighed. "Maybe, to you, it is. But I'm not asking you to agree with me. I just want you to understand."

"Well, I don't," Steve said angrily. "I don't understand, and I'm not going to let you rot in jail when a guy like Deakins can save your ass."

"It's not a request, blast it," Shane shot back. "Bloody hell, Steve, if you won't drop it because I asked, then drop it for yourself and Kayla. If you start trying to track down the ODA, the ISA will be all over you - and this time, I won't be able to protect you."

Protect me? What the hell is he going on about now? Steve asked himself. He stepped toward Shane. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Shane looked up at the sky, before saying, in an exasperated voice, "Did you really think the ISA wanted to just let you walk away and return to your normal life? Did you really think I arranged for Kim to come to England to help you only because I was trying to be a nice guy?"

Steve did not understand.

"The ISA was going to lock you up," Shane said sharply. "They were going to tie you down, drug you, do whatever it took to find out what you knew about Alamain. I kept them off your back, because I knew what that would do to you." He paused and made a point of looking down at Steve's hands. "I didn't go into that compound just to turn around and let the ISA torture you like Alamain did. So I brought Kim to England. And I lied to Tarrington about how much progress you were making. And when you broke into Alamain's and Tarrington decided you were too much of a loose cannon, I told him I'd go to the press - to Jack, no less - if anything happened to you."

Steve felt like he had been punched in the solar plexus. But even as he shook off the shock, things started to make sense. "So that's why Kim was trying so hard to get into my head? She knew, didn't she? You told her what the ISA was going to do, didn't you?" From Shane's silence, Steve got his answer. "You both knew and you didn't tell me? You didn't tell Kayla? Even though the goddamn ISA could've come down on us at any time?"

"I was protecting you," Shane repeated.

"We wouldn't have needed your damn protection if you'd told us the truth!" Steve shouted. "Damn it, Donovan!" He began to pace a little, turning away from Shane, as he absorbed the news. Here he was worried about Shane's family being in trouble, and all this time, Shane had kept secret the danger Steve was in. And what if the ISA hurt his family? They were not above using family members for leverage. That was how Steve had been dragged into the whole Stockholm fiasco. "How could you keep that secret from us?" Steve cried.

Shane spoke softly from behind Steve. "We needed to know what you knew. Everything you knew about Alamain. You wouldn't have told Kim if you knew what the ISA might do and, Steve, it was important. Just what you told us about the toxin they gave you . . . that could save countless lives."

Steve whirled around. "Don't tell me what I would or wouldn't have done!" he yelled. "I'm not some child; you should've given me the choice, not kept us in the dark about the ISA." His mind was reeling. How am I going to keep Kayla and Stephanie safe? How do I stop them from coming for me? "Damn you."

"I'm sorry," Shane said, his voice still even. "Maybe I should have told you. But if there's anything you're still holding back, Steve. . . . Tell them now."

Steve was no longer listening. After all Steve's concerns about the ISA playing games with Shane's life, he was basically admitting that he had done the same thing to Steve. He took a few more angry steps toward Shane, his hands clenching into fists, but he stopped. Shane just stood there, doing nothing, and Steve knew he would not defend himself if Steve threw a punch.

With a shake of his head, Steve growled. "I don't get you, Donovan. I never will."

Shane looked away again. "In a few months, it probably won't matter."

Steve stood there, stewing, waiting for Shane to say something, but he continued to stare silently at the lake. After a few minutes, Steve turned away. This is pointless. Saying nothing further, Steve began stalking angrily back to the house. If Donovan wanted to let the ISA screw with his life, that was his choice. But Steve was going to make sure that they stayed out of his.