The sun was starting to drop lower in the sky. Shane had no idea how long it had been since Steve had left - a couple of hours probably - but Shane had stayed out here by the lake. He watched the water lap against the shore and stared out at a couple of the late-afternoon fishing charters returning to the docks.
He had always loved this house and the lake. It was not Donovan Manor, but it was as close as he could find in Salem and, ever since they had moved in, Shane had pictured living a life here and watching Andrew grow up safe and happy. But that picture was now nothing more than a distant dream. Whatever happened, he would never see his son grow up along the banks of this lake.
All because Steve Johnson decided to tie one on.
Shane laughed again at the absurdity of the situation. He knew he should have felt angrier. He probably should have taken Steve up on his offer and beaten him mercilessly, but what Shane had said was true. There was little point wasting time being angry. Time was too fleeting.
Yet here he was standing outside and wasting it. Hadn't he told Steve that this was time to spend with Andrew? Shane still did not know what to say to him. How could he possibly explain this to a five-year-old?
With a resigned sigh, he turned away from the water and began trudging back to the house. He passed the stables and headed toward the garden gate. As he got closer, he saw something move near the gate and caught a glimpse of dark hair as a small figure ducked out of view.
Shane took a couple of breaths as he reached the gate. He opened it and stepped inside. From the corner of his eye, he spotted Andrew crouching low behind a couple of rose bushes.
"Your mom won't be happy if you tear your shirt on those thorns," Shane said softly.
Andrew did not move. "I don't care." From his sullen tone, Shane could tell that this was not going to be an easy discussion. Whatever excitement Andrew had shown at Shane's return had passed.
Shane walked over to the bush and knelt down in front of it. He could see Andrew's face better. His eyes were downcast and there were lines of dirt on his cheeks that looked like they had been spread by tears.
"I guess you're probably pretty mad right now," Shane said, trying to figure out what to say. "At those men the other day. And I suppose you're probably pretty mad at me."
"You said you wouldn't let the bad men take you."
"I know, Sport," Shane said. "I . . . Would you give me a chance to try to explain?" He held out a hand, waited until Andrew took it, and then helped the boy climb past the bushes without getting scratched. Then, unable to stop himself, Shane pulled Andrew into a tight hug. When he let go, he felt almost embarrassed as he saw Andrew staring at him, wide-eyed and confused.
He lifted Andrew, carried him over to the wooden bench in the center of the garden, and set him down. For a moment, Shane debated standing, but he forced himself to sit down next to the boy.
"I'm sure you have a lot of questions about what happened the other day," he said.
Andrew frowned, but just continued to stare at him.
"The men who came the other day. . . ." Shane said. He could feel his face growing warmer as he remembered the embarrassment and shame he had felt at being shoved face-first into the ground as Andrew screamed.
"Why didn't you fight them, Daddy?" Andrew asked.
Shane put an arm around Andrew's shoulders. "Sometimes, fighting - I mean hitting someone - it's not the right thing to do. Those men. They were just doing their jobs." And they would have shot me if I'd fought them.
"But why did they take you away then?" Andrew frowned again. "Mommy said it's because of Uncle Steve. She's mad at him."
"Yes, I guess she is, but it's not really Uncle Steve's fault." Shane thought for a little bit before he tried to explain. "I know this is hard for you to understand, son, but sometimes, when you're a grown-up, there are things that you need to do because you think they're right. Do you remember when Uncle Steve left, and Aunt Kayla and Stephanie were living here?"
Andrew nodded.
"That was because some very bad men had taken Uncle Steve away. And Aunt Kayla and Stephanie were missing him."
"Like when I was in Los Angeles with Mommy?" Andrew looked down. "I missed you, Daddy."
Shane squeezed Andrew's shoulder. "I missed you too. It was like that, except you knew you could call me and we would see each other on visits. Aunt Kayla didn't know where Uncle Steve was. She didn't know if she would ever see him again." He thought better than to try to explain that they thought Steve was dead. "And then I was told where he was."
"And you found him," Andrew said. "In England, right?"
Shane chuckled slightly. "I found him, yes, but it wasn't in England. See . . . to find him and bring him back, I had to do something. And some people didn't like what I did. To them, what I did was wrong and broke the law."
Andrew took a minute to process that, before he asked, "Did you go to jail?"
Taken aback by the question, Shane hesitated. He did not expect Andrew to understand, but then realized he had told Andrew about sending law-breakers to jail before. And with Roman a cop, Andrew had probably heard a lot of stories from Eric. "Yes," Shane said. "I went to jail, and I may have to go back there."
"But I thought only bad men went to jail."
How did Shane respond to that? He took a deep breath. "Some people think I'm a bad man for what I did. But you see, I couldn't leave Uncle Steve where he was. I had to find him and bring him back." Andrew frowned and looked away, but Shane told him, "Andrew, look at me," and waited until his son looked back up. Shane pointed to right above Andrew's heart. "Part of being a man is understanding what's right and wrong - not just what the law says is right and wrong - but what's right and wrong in here. They're not always the same thing. And I know that's hard for you to understand right now."
"Are you saying the law's wrong, Daddy?" Andrew asked. "Why don't you tell them that?"
If only it were so easy, Shane thought, as he smiled slightly. "Life doesn't always work like that, Sport. But that's another part of being a man. If you decide to do what's right in your heart, and you know that the law says it's wrong, you can't expect the law to change. You have to accept the consequences of breaking the law. And when I left Salem to rescue Uncle Steve, I did that. I knew it was possible I'd go to jail for doing it."
Andrew's eyes were even wider than before. "Are you sorry you found Uncle Steve?"
"No," Shane said quickly. "Not for one second. The men who had Uncle Steve were hurting him, and I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't try to rescue him." Shane slipped off the bench and crouched down so his eyes were level with Andrew's. He put a hand on Andrew's shoulder and looked his son in the eye. "I want you to understand one thing, if nothing else. What I did . . . I'm as proud of that as of anything I've ever done in my life. And even if it means that I have to go to jail for a long time, I'll never be sorry for rescuing Uncle Steve. Aunt Kayla and Uncle Steve are happy now. And Stephanie has her daddy back."
Andrew shook his head. "No!"
"Andrew-"
"It's not fair!" he said, his voice rising. "It's not fair that she gets her daddy and I don't."
Andrew jumped off the bench. Shane grabbed for his hand, but he jerked away. "You said you won't go away!" he yelled. "You promised!"
"Andrew," Shane said, but Andrew was no longer listening. Tears filled his eyes and he shook his head angrily.
"You promised!" Andrew repeated. "And now they're gonna take you away and you're not sorry!" Before Shane could respond, Andrew spun and ran toward the house. Shane could do nothing but watch him race away.
He sat back against the bench and closed his eyes. If felt like someone had just reached into his chest and ripped out his heart. How can I possibly make him understand? he silently asked himself. How do I explain? Shane forced himself to take some deep breaths as he tried to suppress his own pain. Then he let his head fall into his hands.
"He's too young to understand."
Shane looked up to see Kim standing by the brick arch. She looked apologetic. "I came looking for Andrew and . . . I couldn't help but overhear."
"How much did you hear?" he asked.
"Enough." Kim walked to the wood chair across from the bench and took a seat. "He can't understand," she said. "At night, he has nightmares of you being dragged away by the FBI. When you tell him that what you did was right and you're not sorry, he only sees that as you saying you're not sorry you might leave him. That you don't love him."
"But what else can I say?" Shane said. "I'm not going to lie to him again."
Kim nodded. "I know. But you could be honest and tell him that you're scared."
She was wrong, Shane thought. "That's not what he needs. He needs me to be strong and set an example for him." For the little time I have left to do that.
"So he can be stoic and bury his emotions like you? So he can pretend he doesn't feel anything when he's hurt?" Kim's voice had an edge to it. "Okay, if that's what you want to sell him, then at least tell him you're going to fight to stay with him."
Shane looked down. He could not look her in the eyes.
"You're not going to fight this, are you?" She knew the answer already. Her disbelief was plain.
"I don't think I can," he said softly. He did not try to explain. Kim would understand even less than Steve did. "Barring a miracle, Kim, I will be convicted."
"And you're just going to let the ISA get away with that?" she said from her seat. Shane did not have to look at her to hear the pain and anger in her voice. "When Steve said you'd just go along with them, I didn't believe him. What about your son, Shane? Are you just going to leave your son without a fight?"
Shane did not want to argue. He felt so drained that he just closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Kim said after a brief silence. "I know this is hard for you. And I know you could never have left Steve in that place. But it shouldn't have to be like this." He could hear her moving and, a moment later, he felt her crouch next to him and take his hand. He opened his eyes and looked into hers.
"It shouldn't be like this, Kim, but it is." He thought again about how long he might be locked away, and the alternative of being exiled to England was not much better. "I know what this means. I'm going to miss so much of Andrew's life."
"No," Kim said adamantly. "I won't let you do this, Shane. Don't you even think of giving up. There has to be a way of beating this, and we're going to find it." Shane started to shake his head, but she grabbed his chin and forced him to look in her eyes. "Don't you dare give up, Shane Donovan, because I will never give up on you."
"Kim-"
She shook her head. "We're going to find a way to beat this. I know it." She stared into his eyes, her eyes shining hopefully. "You said the other day that I didn't believe in our love, but I'm telling you right now . . . no matter what happens, our love is going to get us through this together."
Shane tore his eyes away from hers and pulled his hand away. He could not handle this right now. Hope was the last thing to which he should be clinging. He was about to lose years of his life and miss seeing his son grow up. He could not talk about love or being together. Those were pipe dreams.
Rising to his feet, he looked back at her. Right now, there were so many things he wished were different, so many things he wished he had done differently. But he had told Andrew the truth; he did not regret what he did to bring Steve back and now he had to accept the consequences.
Kim was still staring at him. He could see the love and faith in her light eyes. That made it even worse; it cut even more deeply to see that she was responding to this by clinging to some hope for something that could never be. Deep inside, he felt the aching pain that he had tried to bury rising inside him. Shane took a deep breath, trying to suppress the pain once more. Then he turned and silently walked away.