DISCLAIMER: Don't own FMA. Don't have the creativity for it :/

Standing in front of the testing building I would be residing in for the next five or so hours and eyeing all the hope-to-be's entering the building, I suddenly lost my nerve.

"Hey, yeah, so is there a way for me to go back to Tucker's?" I ask in a meek resigned voice, giving incredulous eyes to the determined brothers as I pointed at the building with a pale face. "Because I am regretting everything. More than usual."

"No, Madison, we've talked about this. If we're going so are you," Ed growls, snatching my wrist in a firm hold when I attempt to leave.

I don't bother to hold back my in-human screech of terror as I attempt to tug away from Edward's hold, breaking into song, "Is it to late to apologize~."

Ed is too used to my antics to blink an eye.

"I will literally backhand you and screech assault if you do not unhand me you insignificantly small human ostrich."

This makes him look at me. "I don't get you sometimes, Madison," he growls under his breath with Al's firm hand on his shoulders, his fists shake at his sides. Awe, he was upset about my small comment.

I nod. "I've been told." Blowing a raspberry, I add, "I've also been told I'm great at repressing my emotions and avoiding my problems," I warn. Not even seconds afterwards do I let my body go limp.

Ed scrambles to catch my my limp body as Al screams in distress, both in concern for me and the fact that multiple people have begun looking in our direction. Let it be known that I didn't regret anything. "Madison, please go inside," Ed begs.

"I don't wanna," I whine, still slumped in Edward's arms while I gazed at the monstrosity of a building and all the adults and much more talented alchemists that entered it. "I don't want to walk in and face the inevitable disappointment of not passing and succumbing to the fate of an amnesiac with no future."

What I am faced with is the stunned silence I inflict on both Al and Ed. "You... you really think that?" Alphonse mutters.

I shrug. "I mean, it makes sense, as much as I hate it," I say, letting Ed help me to my feet. Brushing my pants off with a sigh, I add, "Everyone applying is so much more talented than I am. There's such a little chance of me actually passing I don't really know why I'm bothering to try."

My hiss makes both the Elric's look at me with their equivalent's of frowns. Ed steps closer to me, and when I think he goes to place a hand on my shoulder, he surprises me by slamming his hand on my head. "Ouch!" I complain, hands flying to my head as I glare at him heatedly. "What the holy hell was that for you jerk?!"

His glare matches my own. "You're trying," he swings at my shoulder, which I barely dodge, "because," another swing, "you," my left side this time, "have," he tries to go for my face, "a goal!" I block his punch with my hand, heaving as I barely keep back his fist. Continuing to glare at me, he continues, "Why the hell would you give that up just because you're getting cold feet?!"

Gritting my teeth and trying to ignore stares around us and Al's distress and constant begging for us to stop, I spit, "I'm not getting cold feet, Edward! I'm trying to be reasonable!"

"Well be reasonable by at least fucking trying," Ed hisses and I block another punch. It makes me pissed as I realize he's not using his full strength. He's patronizing me. "You spent all those months studying, determined that you would succeed and for what?! To give up right before you're there?!"

Tears stab my eyes at his words because they stung. "I'm not giving up," I try to growl, but it's hard when all that comes out is a sob.

He releases his fist, and smacks my head again, but I barely try to resist. "Then act like it," he orders, his eyes aflame.

I notice how they soften too.

Letting my arms drop to my sides, I turn so I won't look him in the eye so he won't see my shame. God, what was I doing? Ugh, he was right, again. I had gone through so much reading and bruises and all-nighters so I could get back home to feel my mom's hugs again or to be annoyed by my sister, joke with my dad, watch t.v with grandma, laugh with Kate. Why the hell did I suddenly let my insecurity take control of that? Why the hell was I letting it get the best of me?

I swat the tears away and with a large inhale, face the brothers. Al looks at me in concern while Ed has his arms crossed and has his ever-present annoyed face on, but the tapping of his feet show his own way of concern. Shaking my arms, I smile weakly at them. "Sorry, guys," I chuckle. "Don't know what got into me."

"Finally," Ed groans, turning so he can stalk towards the testing building. "Now that your meltdown is over, can we do the exam? Some of us want to become state alchemists."

Al shakes his head while he criticizes Ed, and I can't help but laugh, feeling better as I follow the two into the building.

Five minutes later I feel the full extent of my embarrassment at my earlier meltdown as I twirl a pencil in my hand, gnawing my lip as more and more people enter the examination room. I scowl once I realize most of them are eyeing me with distaste and scrutiny. Screw all you fuckers, I don't care what I said like, five minutes ago, I am acing this thing.

Five hours later, I'm exhausted, mentally drained, and just want to have something to eat and please dear god a nap.

Ed and I are both staggering out of the building as Al trails behind us. I don't have the energy to brighten up when I see Nina standing outside beside Tucker, both anxiously awaiting.

"Big brothers, big sister! How did you do?" she asks, jumping up and down in excitement behind a restrained and barking Alexander.

I try to smile; its more of a grimace. "I didn't finish all of the questions, but I spent a lot of time with the formula's and going in depth, so hopefully that'll score me some good points?"

"I didn't finish like Madison, but I was pretty close," Alphonse added with a sigh of disappointment.

"I finished but my hand feels like jelly and its cramping like hell," Ed groans, hopping into Tucker's car before Al and I do.

Tucker laughs as he sits in the front. I smile down as Nina hops on my lap with a giggle. "I don't doubt that you all did very well. It's not often you can find such prodigies like yourselves."

I blush at his praise. "While I agree with Ed and Al, I'm not a prodigy."

Ed's glare shoots dagger into my skull. "Do you have bruises on your head?"

I scowl, touching my head delicately. "Don't remind me."

We're just about to leave before an officer comes running towards the car, tapping on the window. It takes me a second to recognize him as Jean Havoc, cigarette lover and trusted soldier who worked under Mustang. He smiles when he looks at Ed, Al and I in the backseat. "Mind if you step out? The colonel would like a moment with you."

We turn to Tucker, as if asking for his permission, but he simply laughs. "Well, can't disobey the orders of the colonel. Go see him, we can wait here."

And so, we step out of the car (reluctantly) and follow Jean down a street just beside the testing building. I raise an eyebrow when he leads us to an alley, and when Ed spots Mustang in the shadows, he asks the question in my mind. "Why the hell did you ask to meet us here?"

Mustang raises an eyebrow toward the headstrong blond as he replies, "Would you rather the whole world aware of what you and your brother did?" Ed and Al both freeze and bow their heads.

"Excuse me, but I don't appreciate you talking to them that way."

When Mustang stares at me with cold eyes I shrink in on myself, screaming, look what you did you idiot you just talked back to a military colonel oh god you're so dead. "I assume she's aware of your... predicament?" Mustang asks.

Edward, having recovered, scowls back up at the colonel. "Yeah, so whatever you have to say you can spit it out."

Mustang nods, and holds up a stack of papers I recognize to be the exam I just spent five hours on. "This is Alphonse's exam. I've already looked it over, and from what I've seen it's most definitely up to the military's standards."

Alphonse is the one to speak up, "So what seems to be the problem, Colonel?" His nervous voice betrays his calm outward exterior. "Did I mess up...?"

"Quite the opposite," Mustang's cool voice replies. "In fact, if you had completed it I'm sure you would have nearly aced it."

"So why did you bring it up?" Ed growls, his fierce protectiveness for his brother coming apart at the seams.

Mustangs lets out a resigned sigh like his next words are a weight his shoulder's can barely handle. "Because while your brother passed with flying colours, I'm afraid it was a completely wasted effort." The three of us are stunned by his words, so he continues, "The next exam is an interview, and it has come to my attention that they will also be doing a physical with it to gauge how healthy your body will be, and if you can stand being in the military. I'm quite sure you have no intentions to reveal that your brother is hollow in that armor."

"No way!" Al shouts beside me, causing me to wince at both the loud noise and the disappointment in his tone. "I've spent a year studying so both my brother and I can become state alchemists! There's no way I'm going to give that up!"

"Save it, Al," Ed interrupts with a resigned sigh. Alphonse whips around to face him to exclaim his protest, but Ed merely smiles weakly. "Besides, one of us will be enough. You wouldn't want to be a state alchemist anyway." Looking down at the ground, I could see how he grit his teeth despite the fact that he was trying to keep himself together for Alphonse. "Remember what aunt Pinako said? You'll be a dog of the military. You'll have to ask how high when they say jump! It's best if you don't continue with the exam."

It's silent, and the weight of Al's disappointment and Ed's guilt weighs down heavily on all of us. I barely notice when Mustang turns to me. "I looked over your papers as well."

Gulping, I try to not squeak as I ask, "Well, should I resign to my fate as a homeless person or did I do okay?"

He smirks, flipping through what could very well determine my fate in this world. "Well, considering you only had a year to acquaint yourself with the world of alchemy, I'd have to say you exceeded my expectations." I let out a sigh of relief and let all the tension in my body let go as I slumped, before he stared at me with hard eyes. "But that won't be enough to impress the rest of them. You'll still have to do something truly extraordinary if you want to get this certification."

Rolling my eyes and letting my nervousness show by saying a sarcastic, "No pressure or anything," he waves us off so we can head back to Tucker's car.

As we're entering and trying not to let Nina aware of how much Mustang's conversation had affected us, the man in question tapped on the window. "The state wants you to know your assessment day is coming up soon, Tucker. You better impress them."

I can't explain it, but seeing the way Tucker's knuckles turned white around the steering wheel and how his glasses tinted in the light, a cold shiver went up my spine and my heart to drop down into my stomach.

"Yes, colonel. I am aware."

Mustang waves us off as the car starts and I sigh in relief. "Is it just me, or does he just emit an aura of, 'Obey me or I'll singe your flesh,' or something?" I joke, trying to ease the tension in the car.

Ed snorts as he looks out the window, mouth obscured by his glove. Ah. He was really upset, not that I could blame him. "What did he mean by assessment day, mister Tucker?" Al asked.

Coughing, Tucker continued looking at the road, glancing only briefly at Nina who had curled up on both Ed and mine's lap. "Well, every year the state will asses what accomplishments you've done through the months." He smiled wryly, pushing up his glasses. "Unfortunately, last year I didn't get a very good assessment." The three of us tenses up nervously as Tucker's voice hitched. "I tried so hard to get in, so I can't afford to lose my certification."

Ed perked up. "Didn't you transmute a talking chimera?" he asked, his voice betraying his curiosity.

"Ah, yes... that was two years ago," Tucker replied, delicately touching his state watch. "Before I was a state alchemist, my family and I were very poor, you see. My wife couldn't take it anymore and left us. Eventually, I used my grief of her absence to transmute a talking chimera."

"What did it say?" Alphonse inquired, his own interest piqued, making me chuckle. These boy and their insatiable curiosity.

Tucker looked into the mirror to look at us, and I nearly jumped in my seat when his eyes met mine. They were... I couldn't describe them but the most I could come up with was...

Gleeful.

"It only said three words," Tucker finally replied as he ripped his gaze from mine to my immense relief. However, his next sentence had be startled in my tracks.

"I want to die."

I gulped, heart leaping in my throat when the tips of Tucker's mouth curled upwards. I didn't know why, but the way he smiled as he talked about the chimera was chilling me to my core. It was as if the chimera had excited the man and... intrigued him. I tried to avoid his gaze, but his caught my eyes in the mirror once again, and my grip on Nina's hand tightened at the way his eyes shined.

"Sloane, Madison."

I tried to ignore the many stares and glares people threw my way as I stood to head into the interview room. Ed had gone before me, so I was all alone for this examination.

I found myself seated on a three-legged chair (Al told me this story once, a symbol of strength and balance, he had said, so I trusted him and sat down), facing a table of multiple alchemists, and one man who I assumed to be the Fuhrer. Mustang was there too, smirking as if to asses me, but I wouldn't let his gaze get to me.

"Why do you want to become a state alchemist?"

The question had me stop. I had never really questioned my decision before now, it had just seemed like the right choice of path. But now as the question was given to me I found myself asking why.

The imagine of my home floated into my mind. The image of my family who had been distant but nonetheless kind, of my friends that I would laugh and joke with at school, of my three dogs and my cat, of my messy room with all it's books. I wanted to see it again. I wanted to feel and touch and smell it all again.

"I want to become a state alchemist because..." the sentence had come to me naturally and my eyes met the Fuhrer, nails digging into my jeans, "because I have a home I want to protect. Because I have a life I want to live to the fullest, because I want to be strong for those I care about."

My answer made my chest fill with pride.

Whelp, here we were. The practical exam.

Alphonse, Nina and Alexander had come to see us off and to cheer us on from the background. Though Al was still upset about not being able to apply anymore, he had simply told his brother, "Become a state alchemist for the both of us."

"Well, we're off now," I wheezed, barely containing my anxiety. Ed nodded and took the lead into the building as I followed him.

"Wait, not yet!"

We turn to face Nina who had called out to us as we noticed she had her hands behind her back. She hopped from foot to foot anxiously and seemed to look to Alphonse for guidance, who merely nodded his head to us. She smiled, and held up to papers for us.

Tentatively, I grabbed the one she had offered me and unraveled it only to barely contain a gasp of surprise. It was a drawing. Well, a very crude and not well done drawing, but a drawing nonetheless of the four of us with Alexander and in the middle had a transmutation circle.

I tried not to cry when I saw nearly un-intelligible writing at the bottom of the page that read, "For big sis, who maks prety draings for me. Lov Nina."

"They're to help you get your wish!" Nina laughed cheerfully.

I smiled, kneeling down so I could pat her head. "Thank you, etoile. These are amazing." She giggled as Edward added in his own thanks causing me to smirk at him when I noticed his distinctly wet eyes.

"Good luck!" Alphonse shouted as we entered the building.

We found ourselves outdoors with other candidates staring at the large lot of land with trees, water, rocks, ice and other materials surrounding it. "We have collected an impressive amount of materials for you to demonstrate your alchemy. If we find what you have created to be merely satisfactory, you will not pass. So impress us!" the Fuhrer told us joyfully despite the suddenly nauseated contestants before him.

"Oh yeah, no pressure, just impress a large amount of professionals, no biggie," I muttered, causing Ed beside me to snort despite his pale face.

"Begin!"

Barely even three seconds after the words had fallen from Mustang's lips did a man run forward with chalk in hand. Quickly, he had drawn a decent sized circle in the dirt before clapping his hands and slamming them down.

I'd never get tired at the sight of alchemy. The pure raw energy that would come forth and the electrical charge that would be created from it was always fascinating to me. You could physically feel the energy of nature and the balance of the elements being shifted into your imagine was amazing.

The man had sprouted a tower from the ground causing talks and gasps of awe. I was certainly impressed with the design, detail and sheer size of it until I noticed he was barely able to sit up.

"You can't get tired after making a transmutation!" Ed scoffed, shaking his head. He yelped when a man shoved him as he made his way to the trees.

"Out of my way, brat. I'll show you why someone as little as you shouldn't be here," the man boasted, throwing water and some logs onto a sheet that had a circle he had drawn onto.

"Watch it, Ed," I warned to the steaming blond. "Not surrounded by soldiers with guns."

The man clapped his hands and once the transmutation had ended, a large paper blimp began to rize into the sky.

"A paper blimp huh," Ed stared in awe, completely transfixed. "He must be strong."

I smiled. "Using the hydrogen from the water was pretty impressive..." My eyes widened. Wait, I remembered something from home, something important about blimps and hydrogen. It was dangerous, I think? Since hydrogen was reactive that meant it was...

"Flammable," I said, making Ed turn to me. I didn't reply to his question as I instead turned around, shouting in distress, "Everyone, move! It's dangerous!"

Many scoffed at me making my teeth grit. "It's gunna explode, listen to me!"

Ed, realizing what I had, begun to shout, "It's flammable, and with this much alchemic reactions it'll explode!"

What do you know, a second later, my prediction came true.

The blimp exploded in a brilliant flash of light causing screams and panic. The blimp had slammed into the tower in its wake, and more screams erupted when rocks and debris began to fall.

Before I had realized it, my hands had clapped together and slammed against the ground, the equations and elements rushing though my head and the thought of how desperately I needed to save these people.

Brilliant red flashes of alchemic energy blinded my vision, the beautiful streaks of red almost calming and inviting and freeing. It felt so natural for this power to sweep through my hands and into the ground, bringing my vision to life.

A large blockade of solid metal had erupted from the ground, protecting the people that had no way to protect themselves. The debris had no way to penetrate the wall and simply broke apart upon impact.

Ed had rushed into action as the tower begun to fall upon the screaming man who was too exhausted to move. His hands slammed against the crashing tower, and with a flash of blue energy that nearly blinded my vision, the tower had begun to fall in delicate flower petals.

Falling onto my rear in relief it took my nearly five seconds for my eyes to go wide and stare at my hands in disbelief. I had... I had done alchemy without a transmutation circle! Like Ed! But how...?

Oh yeah. Gate. Duh.

"I believe we have found our two state alchemists."

A hand obscured my vision and I followed it up to the kind eyes of Fuhrer Bradley before the weight of his words hit me.

"You mean...? I whispered, accepting his hand to stand up.

He laughed joyfully. "Congratulations, miss Sloan. You've passed!"

Heading outside to meet up with the others was almost like a daze as the Fuhrer's words kept repeating in my head. 'You've passed.' It was almost like a dream! I had done it! I was a state alchemist! Like Edward Elric! Me!

"How'd it go, guys?" Alphonse asked anxiously, Nina on his shoulders.

Edward grinned widely. "Guess who are both state alchemists!?"

They gasped before laughing. "Yay, yay! You did it!" Nina proudly exclaimed causing me to chuckle happily as she clapped her hands.

Edward smiled up at her before staring seriously at Al. "I promise, Al," he began, holding out a fist. "I'm going to get your body back. I'm going to fix what I did." Alphonse chuckled, before offering his own fist to the older brother. It was a sweet sight to see the two brothers so close and caring towards each other.

"I had no doubts you two would pass."

Tucker walked forward from behind Alphonse, eyes glinting as he smiled. Ed grinned proudly sticking out his chest at the praise.

"We have to head to Mustang's office to get our certfication's and watches," I said, shifting from side to side as I eyed Jean Havoc who stood nearly twenty feet away to wait for us.

Alphonse popped up. "Can I go with you two?" he asked in excitement.

I shrugged as Edward shook his head. "I don't see why not," he replied.

Nina giggles gleefully. "I wanna come, I wanna come!"

Alphonse smiled up at her in reply but before he could say something, Tucker had placed a hand on his shoulder. "Actually, Nina. I was hoping you could come home. Why don't we play together today?" he suggested smiling up at his daughter.

Nina's face brightened up like the sun at the prostpect of playing with her usually busy dad. "You mean it?" she asked hopefully, and when he nodded, she cheered delightfully at a barking Alexander. "Did you hear that? We're gunna play with daddy! Daddy's gunna play with us today!"

The three of us chuckled as she blabbed away happily in Tucker's arms while they walked away to his car. "It's nice to see her so happy," Alphonse commented, making Ed and I nod in agreement.

"Whelp," Ed stated, twirling on his foot. "Let's get this show on the road. I want to start researching as soon as we can!"

I hid my yawn behind my hand. "And I want to take a nap," I replied tiredly.

"You always want a nap," he snorted ignoring, my glare.

We followed an excited Jean all the way to Mustang's office. I tried to ignore the way officers and soldiers whispered and stared at Ed and I as we walked passed them in amusement, as if they couldn't believe we had passed and it was all some sort of fluke. Instead of letting it get to me, I stuck my nose high in the air to fake confidence.

"He's waiting inside for the two of you," Jean said, pointing at the door that lead to Mustang's office. I gulped and tried to contain my squeal at seeing Riza Hawkeye and all the other people that made up Mustang's team. It was amazing to see them in the flesh and I still couldn't get over meeting characters from the anime. "Unfortunately, your brother will have to wait outside."

Alphonse nodded in understanding and sat down, and while Ed seemed a little annoyed he let it pass.

"Good luck," Riza nodded, causing me to nod in barely contained excitement.

Edward was the one to open the door, and soon we both stood before the colonel. He had two folders with a watch placed on each, which he handed to us. I tried to contain my groan of displeasure at seeing my utterly awful picture, but I tried to ignore it as I read the ridiculously professional papers.

"The Fuhrer was completely impressed with the both of you," Roy said, his chin placed on his intertwined hands. "Disclosed inside those folders you will find your certifications, and the written approval by the state that will allow you access to many research projects and materials."

"Does this mean that by the state we're considered legal adults?" Edward asked, near excitement in his voice. Ah yes, I think I remembered him mentioning his displeasure at having Pinako be his legal guardian for both Al and him despite also having to take care of Winry. He had hoped to relieve her of that by becoming a state alchemist.

Mustang nodded. "Indeed you will. That means that by law you will be in charge of your brother and you have a lot more freedom than most citizens do."

I snorted. "The state made a mistake giving me that freedom." Mustang smirked at my sarcasm while Ed barely contained his snickers.

"Along with your certification, the state has assigned you both your title. It will be printed down at the bottom of the last page." With growing anxiety and excitement, I quickly flipped to the last paged and let my eyes trail down.

'The Crimson Alchemist.'

"The Crimson Alchemist?" I asked in confusion, raising an eyebrow at the flame alchemist.

He closed his eyes in amusement. "It seems they took inspiration from your alchemic energy, as well as your rather... bright hair." I sort of felt like glaring at my offending hair, but 'The Crimson Alchemist,' was a pretty bad-ass title, so I didn't complain.

"Fullmetal Alchemist?" Ed read in growing excitement. He chuckled. "Fits me to a T." I could barely contain my grin at finally hearing that name. God it was so familiar.

"Indeed," Mustang smirked. "Now, we'll give you the night to get acquainted to your title, so you can head back to Tucker's for now. We'll have a car ready for you two."

There's only been one time in my life where I had misjudged a situation to the point where I had wanted to black out and forget the world existed. Where I had shut down and screamed in my head until my temples throbbed and stung and hurt.

Now was one of those times.

The moment I had stepped through the door of the home we had stayed in for the past year, a feeling had sunk down into the bottom of my gut and a lump got stuck in my throat.

But I had ignored it. That was probably my worst mistake.

Al's voice had rung through the house, happy and chipper and excited. But somehow, it was hazy and clouded in my ears. Once again, I had ignored it.

Once the entire house had been searched we saw the door to Tucker's lab creak. My mouth had opened to tell Edward and Alphonse, to warn them of the sinking feeling in my gut but I crushed it down. I ignored it.

I hadn't even realized time had passed before Edward had crouched down in front of me, admiring the chimera Tucker had created, Tucker had transmuted. Ed was amazed and transfixed, but something in me said it was wrong.

It was only when the chimera's eyes had met my own and whispered the word I had used too often, the word I would whisper and chuckle out, the word Nina was, 'Etoile,' did my mouth let out a heavy sob as it came crushing back. Images and words and pain came flowing through my head as I stumbled backward, eyes never breaking contact as I slid down the wall in my daze.

I heard Ed yelling. I heard his scream of anguish and pain and Al try to console him, Tucker laugh hysterically, but I couldn't register it. The wall was cold and water was suffocating me, submerging me but not letting me drown. Fire scorched my throat and eyes but didn't burn me.

It hurt but there wasn't physical pain. It hurt but I couldn't do anything because that was Nina. That was the sweet little girl that I had called, 'etoile,' and she's gone.

I never liked kids, and I don't think I will. But Nina had stumbled her way into my heart and filled it with affection and love and I had killed her.

Children are dangerous because you can't protect them. Because the moment you let your eyes off them they're gone and it's your fault because it's your resbonsibility. You're supposed to raise and cherish them and protect them from the horrors of the worse but you can't.

I hadn't realized before its too late to fix anything.

I couldn't remember in time and now she's gone. Truth had taken my only weapon in this world I could have used to protect her but I didn't remember. If I had just remembered a moment sooner she would be here with us, happy and laughing and care-free, the way a child should be. But I had failed her.

I could have saved her. But I didn't.

Ed couldn't have saved a little girl if he had tried. I could have though, if I had tried.

I killed Nina. And I have never hated myself more in my entire life with that realization.

AN: All aboard the angst train! Sorry if it felt rushed, but I really wanted to get this out this week, so here it is! It's also the most longest chapter yet, so hurray!

Prepare to cry next chapter, as it will have a lot of angst! Prepare yourself! :3

Internal_Nightmare:

I'm glad to know you enjoyed it! Hopefully this chapter wasn't too sad or serious for you

Lizyeh2000:

Thank you for saying so, and here it is!

That's it for now, until next time!

-Adios!