Lapis had been living on her lonesome for about two months. She seemed to be getting better. Not necessarily because Peridot wasn't there, but because. Lapis still didn't do much with her time.
Recently, Steven learned something about Lapis that has haunted him since.
"I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite, how I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me... I... I miss her."
What was worse was that Jasper had also showed up wanting the same thing: to be Malachite again.
Thankfully, Lapis had denied her, and everyone had made it home safely-she, Steven and his father.
It haunted Steven, what Lapis had said. Being a part of something bad and not realizing it is one thing, but to long to have it again, fully aware of how depraved and unhealthy it was? Steven spent days trying to rationalize it. But, Lapis' want went against everything he knew to be good and obvious, no matter how he looked at it.
Steven also thought a lot about why had Lapis fused with Jasper in the first place. The Crystal Gems could've taken Jasper, or Lapis could've herself-the ocean was there for her. She had tried to fly away, but, given the opportunity, decided to stay and fuse into Malachite to take Jasper hostage and drag her down into the bottom of the ocean. The only person Lapis had done that for was herself.
Was it truly revenge, though, against the universe that dealt her one bad hand after another, each somehow resulting in her imprisonment? Did Lapis choose to take her anger out on Jasper because it was Jasper, or because she was convenient? Steven still didn't quite know, nor could he grasp the effects constant impotence has on somebody.
But, Steven thought Lapis had left that all behind when she was separated from Jasper. He expected nothing but relief and freedom for her. He expected release from her struggle, her stupor. And he also expected that Jasper was the one who was inflicting all the emotional damage, until he heard how she called Lapis a monster.
Lapis didn't sacrifice herself to become Malachite, she wanted it. Free from it now, a part of her appeared to have been torn; she acted as though she were still imprisoned.
Had Lapis become this way because she wanted to be Malachite again, or because she felt guilty from the decision she made to become Malachite, from what it had done to her? Or, was it something else? Again, Steven hadn't a clue.
Steven consulted Garnet.
"She lacked control. She fought for control. It seems she's still fighting for control."
"...What do you mean?"
"Much of her existence has not been out of her own free will. As a result, she's felt powerless. And, as a result of that, she forced herself into a position of power, one that nobody truly wants. And, as a result of that, Lapis may be... uncertain with who she is, especially now that she has free will."
This was all very cryptic to Steven. Power, though-in physical prowess, in relationships, politics, armies, religion, knowledge, wealth, even within families-why did everything have to be about power? Steven asked his father that very question.
"Instead of thinking of it like that, I think it's better to think of it this way: what can be done to prevent things from being about power?"
"...Like what?"
"By trying to make things about sincerity and understanding instead."
What his father told him was that to find a way to have love overshadow power and things like it would have to be discovered depending on the situation, like, when there's a disagreement, setting aside one's differences for the sake of understanding. And treating everyone as an equal was a given.
This was very noble, and it resonated with Steven for he didn't think about things in terms of strength and weakness. There was one perspective, however, that proved troubling(?) for this outlook: one must possess power in order to protect the things and the ones loved from those forces that wish to take them away.
"So, power can be a good thing, when its for the right reasons?"
"I think so."
"But, if everyone got along, there wouldn't really be a need for it, right?"
"Uh... I don't know about that one. But, if everyone got along, then no one would have things like fortitude to build them up and stand up when they needed to."
Getting back to the less metaphysical and philosophical topic at hand, Steven had asked his father about Lapis.
"Oh, boy..." Greg scratched his head. "Well, I'm sure that Lapis was very upset and wasn't thinking clearly when she made her choice... She might've been wanting anything to be in control of, and... what she told you the other day might mean that she missed the one thing she had control over... I guess." He looked at Steven. "Regardless of why, she made the right choice in the end, and I think Lapis is going to be just fine."
After all was said and done, and all his thoughts exhausted, Steven hadn't come to any conclusions per se, but he had come to accept Lapis and what she had said and that she had wanted control and now has troubles with it. Maybe Lapis just needed time. She knows that he's always here for her if she needs him. Maybe he should help her to understand that life isn't about power.
"Maybe Philosopher Steven should go to bed..."
Steven suddenly felt he was getting too old for this. He left all those ideas of power, control, and love alone to be digested or forgotten-whichever, he didn't care at the moment-and delicately laid his head on his pillow.
Steven's relief, however, was destroyed when it hit him that Peridot may be going through the exact same thing Lapis had.
...