Every night after District 10 Katniss and I sleep in her bed. The contact that we have either makes the nightmares less real, more dreamlike or the presence of other one makes calming down much easier. Sleeping together is innocent, I would never treat Katniss otherwise, but still we hear people talking about it on the train. Haymitch just rolls his eyes when Effie obviously tries to tell him to convince us to stop. I overhear the end of the conversation when I step into the dining car a little before lunch one day. "Let them be," I hear Haymitch say. He catches sight of me and whispers, "I wish I could have had someone to make the nightmares better." It's normally that we hear Haymitch talk about himself and I know he wouldn't want me to say anything about what I heard.
A few night later, after our visit to District 4, Katniss and I are laying in her bed and she says, "You know, Effie talked to me about this today. Asked me if we could try to be a bit more discreet. I told her we would try, but I really don't want to change anything." Again I know her saying these kinds of things is very difficult for her, so I stay quiet as she explains. "Even though the dreams are still there you help me come back to reality so much quicker. I am able to catch your voice and it pulls me right out." She pauses and buries her face into my chest. "I need you to be here," she confesses. I give her a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder and take a chance on giving her a kiss on the head.
"Katniss, you know how I feel about you. I will be here for you whenever, wherever and however you need me to. You can bet on that," I say quietly. She nods and settles in to drift off and I know that I will soon do the same.
We are exhausted when we finally pull into the station in the Capitol. Katniss has lost at least 15 pounds despite the rich food we are constantly being served. There is defiantly unrest in the Districts. The crowds never riot or anything during our ceremonies, but you can feel it in the atmosphere, the people in the Districts are tired of the Capitol and the hold they have on us. The Capitol is endless celebrations. We are their sweethearts, they have no clue what is going on beyond the limits of their privileged city.
We are staying in the same quarters that we did before the games. Haymitch, Katniss and I are sitting around in the little sitting room, the same one where we watched our scores a few days before going into the arena. We are not really talking, but I can tell that we are all worried about the possibility of uprisings in the Districts and I have a feeling seeing us on the tour, no matter how much Katniss and I tried, just made the situation worse.
"Maybe you should propose?" Katniss says in a small voice. I am shocked. Even though I thought about this once before, I really didn't want to do it this way. Being forced. Even though I long for it to happen, I want Katniss to love me the way I love her and want to marry me.
Haymitch just looks at her and then he looks at me, sadness in the features of his face. He must have known this would be the course we would have to take since every year during the games we will have to go back to the star-crossed lover's routine. I sigh and say, "Let's do it." Then I get up and walk to my room before I could cry or say what I really think.
What do I really think? So many things at one time. But mainly I am thinking that I really wish that I would have died in that arena, before Katniss could have found me, before the games makers decided to pretend to change the rules and let two victors as long as they come from the same District. I have no doubt that Katniss could have won the games against Thresh, Cato and Foxface. Then she would be free to live the life she wanted, that she deserved. She could marry if she wanted, to whomever she wanted, not because she is trying to please the president and the people of Panem, but because she loved that person and wanted to live the rest of her life with them. Instead she is stuck with me. Not that I am horrible and not that we do not have a connection, she may even grow to love me one day. Not that I wouldn't treat her with all the respect that she deserves. To know that doing this could make her unhappy, for the rest of her life, is almost unbearable. She deserves to live the life she wants and I would do anything to give that to her.
It seems like minutes later when I look up and see the sky growing dark. Dinner will be soon and I need to get myself presentable. I go into the bathroom and look in the mirror. It isn't until then I realize that I have been crying. I just cannot make things right for Katniss. I should have never confessed my love for her or at least died in that damn arena like I was supposed to.
This is not the way to compose myself. I strip down and step into a shower. I turn the water on as hot as I can stand it and wash myself off. The hot water calms my muscles and almost seems to clear my head of the fog that come along with all my self-loathing. I know what I have to do to keep her safe. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and protect the people I love. Mainly Katniss.
Dinner is a very quiet affair that night. I want to let Katniss know that my disappearance this afternoon was just my way of dealing with the stress and that I am still with her, 100%, but this is not the time or the place to have such a conversation. I save it for bed, since we are still sleeping in the same room. I am secretly hoping that word will get back to President Snow, maybe even rumors started around the Capitol about us already sharing a bed, but the attendants from the train and in our rooms at the Training Center are very quiet about it.
Since I took a shower earlier I just change into my pajama pants and slip in Katniss's room. I can hear the shower running so I just quietly wait in the bed while Katniss prepares herself in the adjoining bathroom. I'm not really sure what I am going to say to her. I just need her to know that I will do all in my power to keep her safe. That includes asking her to marry me in front of the entire country tomorrow.
When she walks out of the bathroom she seems a bit surprised to see me in the bed. I wonder why that is? Does she think I do not want to be her with her? I think I might be wrong at that because she smiles warmly and walks over to the bed.
"I was afraid you would still be mad at me and wouldn't be here," she says quietly. She sits down next to me, her eyes on the blanket.
Her words surprise me. "Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you?" I ask, honestly curious at how she came to this conclusion. I infuriate myself by never really doing right by her, at least not in my eyes.
Her eyebrows come together as she thinks of an answer. "Because of us having to get married. Because no matter how it plays out, you will be hurting." Wow. She actually thinks marring her will be painful to me? No, that pain is the pain of her not having a choice in the matter. I put my hand on her chin and pull her head up so I can look into her eyes.
"I was not mad. I just wish it could be different. I wish you wanted to marry me for all the reasons I want to marry you, not because you are afraid of who might get hurt otherwise. See, knowing I am taking right from you, one of the few rights we have in the country, just because I had to admit my feelings for you in front of everyone and start this ball rolling." I wonder if her thoughts are on Gale and whatever they had together but she is shaking her head.
"No, Peeta. This is on me. I am the one who pulled the berry stunt. I played the audience and made them believe that I was madly in love with you. I am the one who didn't tell you the truth. Me. Not you. You are so good, you know exactly what to do, how to do it and get it right every time." Except not dying when it needed to happen, I think.
"I think we are at odds, Katniss. I think it is my fault, you think it is your fault. Let's just call it a draw and try to get some sleep." She smiles and nods. I scoot down in bed and hold my arms out to her. She falls into the willingly and in no time we are both into our normal, restless, nightmare filled dreams.
The next night we are on stage in front of a live audience, in front of all of Panem, since this is required viewing for all the Districts. Caesar Flickerman, his hair, lips and eyes still dyed the light blue color, looks perfect in a dark blue suit. He asks us questions. Seems like a million questions. How is life back in District 11, how are our talents coming along, how are we liking the new houses, how we spend our days, how our families are doing. We spend a good thirty minutes just talking about Prim, Caesar and the rest of the Capitol adore her. We talk about how we are enjoying each other's company away from all the cameras. "Where you two can really be alone," he adds with a sly wink. I smile and say, "Nothing is better than a love you can share with the world." The audience sighs in unison. I know the big moment is getting close and I am getting more and more nervous with every passing word. "And what do you two kids have planned for the future?," is the very next question out of Caesar's mouth. I pull a huge smile and respond, "I was kind of hoping we would touch on that subject today." Mouth dry and with slipper palms I take Katniss by the hand and pull her up with me off the small couch they reserve for our interviews.
"Katniss Everdeen," I begin, sliding down onto my good knee. "I love you more that life itself. Our love has bet the most impossible odds," there is not sound in the room. I wonder if anyone is even breathing. I pull out the ring Haymitch and I picked our earlier that day. A simple gold band with a small stone in the center. "Living life without you will be like living without my soul. Living one lifetime with you will just scrape upon the eternity that our love will last." I take her left hand and slide the ring onto her third finger. The finger that has that one little vein to her heart. I wonder if she knows what this means to me. Even though I know she will say yes and she is only saying yes to save the people she loves, including Gale, this is still the most important thing I have ever done in my entire life. "I know I will not survive if I am without you. Please. Please say you will honor me by being my wife." My voice gets thick and I feel small tears falling down my face, but I do not care. "Please, Katniss, say that you will marry me."
I look into her eyes and I know that she knows I am not just putting on a good show. This is as real for me as it gets. She has small tears around her eyes as she accepts my proposal and I jump up and bury my face into her shoulder. Get a grip, Peeta! I yell at myself. I whisper, "I love you," so quietly I am not even sure she will hear. The crowd is going nuts. Periodic shots around the rest of the country shows happy faces as well, although I am not sure I trust the looks on the faces of some of our fellow countrymen, but right now, I think we might have actually done it.
President Snow comes out right after Caesar has gotten the crowd to settle down. He grabs my hand and gives it a hearty shake with a hard slap to the shoulder. I smile and pray that him surprising us tonight is a good sign. What is that? Roses? That is so strong. What else was the smell from him, iron? I just cannot place it. He gives Katniss a hug and she seems staggered. Out of the corner of my eye I see her raise her eyebrows at him…..a small, silent question. A quickly, so quickly that I might have imagined it, I see him do a very small shake with his head. My heart sinks. We didn't do it? What else could we have done to convince people of our love? Katniss just smiles, a smile that does not seem forced at all, and straightens her back.
President Snow gets the crowd quiet and asks, "What do you think about s throwing them a wedding right here in the Capitol?" I smile widely at the suggestion and Katniss seems overjoyed. Of course, this is the way he can make sure it really happens.
"Do you have a specific date in mind, Mr. Presdient?" Caesar asks.
"Oh," Snow says, shaking his head a bit, "Before we set a date, we better clear it with Katniss's mother." Everyone laughs and Snow put an arm around Katniss's shoulders. "Maybe if the whole country puts its mind to it, we can get you married before you're thirty," he jokes.
Katniss surprises me with a small giggle, one that doesn't sound forced and says, "You'll probably have to pass a new law."
Snow shrugs and says, "If that's what it takes." He keeps a smile in place and the show ends on the high note that we will be getting married in the Capitol, in front of every person in Panem. Snow leaves as soon as the cameras are off and I get the chance to pull Katniss to the side and make sure she is ok.
"Yes. Overwhelmed, but I'm ok." I have to take her at her word because at that moment she is escorted back to her room to prepare for the nights big party. The final party before we head home is in the mansion of none other than President Snow. It is amazing the amount of decorating and energy they put into these parties. There are comfortable looking chairs everywhere, around dining tables, off to themselves in corners and close to cozy fireplaces. There is an area in the middle of the room that mainly serves as a stage/dance floor.
The food is the main thing, it seems. Not even the star-crossed lovers can compete with it. There are too many tables to count covered in thinking linens and full of all different kinds of food. There are things you are used to, the lamb stew Katniss loves so much, nuts, fruit, bread, vegetables, candy, cookies, even whole roasted cows and goats. I think even a pig might be slowly spinning as well.
Katniss looks at me, excitement in her eyes and says, "I want to taste everything in the room." I look at her confused, I know she must be worried, but maybe she is excited about our engagement? Maybe she really cares more about me that I think. I quickly control my expression since we are still on camera, smile and say, "Then you'd better pace yourself."
"Okay," she says, smiling also. "No more than one bite of each dish." We begin going table to table taking small bites of dish after dish. We have greeted by everyone we come across. Some just say hello, some seem too excited or scared to say anything and others trying to tell us everything there is to know about them. We nod, answer questions and smile for pictures. A lot of smiling, a lot of pictures. I begin to notice something as we look around at people. There is an oddly familiar little bird that has seemed to have cropped up in the Capitol as of late. Katniss's little mockingjay seems to be everywhere. We see embroidered ones, stamped ones, a few tattoos in places I don't want to see again. One lady even had her hair styles to look something like it. This must be what they call a fashion craze…..
As Katniss hands me a piece of some kind of bird covered in a delicious orange sauce I see her prep team coming towards us. I quickly finish the bird and turn to greet them. They seem to be more along the lines of Haymitch on a normal day than the team I am used to seeing.
"Why aren't you eating," The one I believe is named Octavia asks.
"I have been," Katniss explains. "But I can't hold another bite!" They three of them laugh like that is just ridiculous to say. I stand quietly while the one with the curly, orange hair exclaims, "No one lets that stop them!" They motion for us to follow them to a table that is covered small wineglasses full of clear liquid. "Drink this!" Curious, I pick one up to try it and they all start laughing hysterically again.
"Not here!" Octavia screeches.
The last one, the one with blue hair and gold tattoos, points to the restrooms and says, "You have to do it in there, or you'll get it all over the floor!" What? A drink to make you sick so you can eat more? Are they serious? "You mean this will make me puke?" I ask, barely controlling my anger. They just continue to laugh as Octavia says, "Of course, so you can keep eating. I've been in there twice already. Everyone does it, or else how would you have any fun at a feast?" I carefully sit the little glass back down and turn away from the table.
"Come on, Katniss, let's dance," I say, pulling her away from the crude little drink in the small, little glasses. We make or way to the dance floor and I pull Katniss into my arms and begin to sway in a small circle to the music. I am so angry I can barely breathe. I have seen so many people go hungry at home. I was one of the lucky ones, being a merchant's son, but I still know what it feels like to be hungry. I can see Katniss now, soaked from the rain, skin tight over her cheek bones, looking in our garbage cans for something, anything to eat. To take to her family. And here, in the Capitol, people make themselves sick just so they can eat more food. For entertainment, for fun.
"You go along," I say in a small voice. "Thinking you can deal with it, thinking maybe they're not so bad, and then you…."I stop talking before I can say something that will get us both into a heap of trouble.
"Peeta," Katniss begins, "They bring us here to fight to the death for their entertainment. Really, this is nothing by comparison." She's right, but it still makes me sick.
"I know. I know that," I say quietly, still slowly moving us in our little circle. "It's just sometimes I can't stand it anymore. To the point where….."I pause, too afraid to put my true thoughts into words. "I'm not sure what I'll do." I stop for a moment, lean down and whisper. "Maybe we were wrong, Katniss."
"About what?" she asks, confused.
"About trying to subdue the districts," I say in such a small whisper I wonder if she can hear me. I know she does though, because her head whips from side to side quickly and I look around too. Luckily the camera crew is busy at a table of food and no one on the dance floor is paying us any attention. "Sorry," say quickly.
"Save it for home," she says as Portia shows up with a man who looks like he might have been one of the gamemakers in the last games. I think I remember him from our individual evaluation.
"Katniss, Peeta, this is Plutarch Heavensbee. He is our new Head Gamemaker this year," Portia says. I smile and shake his hand.
"May I cut in?" Plutarch asks me, gesturing to Katniss. I smile and put her hand in his.
"Just don't get too attached," I say jokingly. I
I know Katniss is uncomfortable, but in this situation dancing with him is better than declining. I back away and Portia takes my arm.
"I want to show you something," she says. She leads me over to a table covered in beautiful cakes.
"Wow," is all I can say before I am bombarded by the bakers. I cannot help myself. I begin to ask questions. How they achieved that color, what kind of dyes do they use, how to make the icing that smooth, make the cakes stay so moist. The bakers seem delighted at my interest. I want to look closer at the cakes, really examine them, but I am having trouble concentrating with the music, people stopping to talk and congratulate me and the lights flashing different colors every so often.
"Would it be possible to take some home to look over? I really want to learn these techniques," I ask, doubtfully.
"Of course," one of the bakers says. That is when Katniss finds me. I feel sort of guilty leaving her along here of all places, but she seems to still be in pretty good spirits. I take her hand and pull her close.
"Effie said we have to be on the train at one," I say. It has to be getting late. "I wonder what time it is," I glance at the walls, trying to find some kind of clock.
"Almost midnight," Katniss says. I watch her grab a chocolate flower from one of the cakes and smile at what Effie would be saying to her right now.
"Time to say thank you and farewell!" Effie says from right behind us, startling me a bit. We walk through the room, collecting Portia and Cinna, telling people goodbye when Effie points them out to us. What about our dear president?
"Shouldn't we thank President Snow?" I ask. "It's his house." Surely that would be the right thing to do.
"Oh, he's not a big one for parties," Effie says quickly. "I've already arranged for the necessary notes and gifts to be sent to him tomorrow." She looks around and says, "There you are!" Haymitch is draped between two Capitol attendants, clearly enjoying the party a bit too much.
The ride back to the train takes a little longer due to people being out in the streets celebrating. I am afraid we will not make it back to the train by one o'clock, but I do not know why I would question Effie's planning. At exactly one o'clock we are all on the train, settled around a table waiting for some tea. Everyone except Haymitch, who got taken straight to his room and are pulling out of the station.
Effie is still in business mode and reminds us that we still have the Harvest Festival in District 12 to attend. "I suggest we all drink our and tea go straight to bed," she says. Everyone agrees and one by one we make our way to our rooms. Katniss and I wait until Effie has excused herself and walk to Katniss's room hand in hand. We are both exhausted and don't talk while we prepare to go to bed. Since we clearly have not stopped staying in the same room my pajama pants have shown up in the top drawer of the dresser in Katniss's room. Katniss gets ready in the bathroom as I get ready in the bedroom. She always takes a long time and I wonder if it is because she is afraid to catch me before I am able to get dressed. While I scoot in to the bed and get in my normal position I think about how she blushed when she washed the dirt and grim off my body in the arena, how she would not look at my while I pulled off my undershorts and threw them at her in the stream.
When she finally walks out of the bathroom I just cannot help but be happy. I know this, us sleeping together, is just so we both can sleep easier, but having her in my arms makes so happy words cannot even describe it. I love the feeling of her laying on my chest, her even breath when she finally gets to sleep, the feeling of her hair against my hand. I am smiling while she climbs in bed and she looks at me and says, "What?" I just shake my head. I don't want to tell her what I am thinking because I don't want her to think she is playing with my heart. I know exactly what I am doing and I will take any pain to have these moments with her.
When I finally wake up to realize with a jolt that it is the afternoon. Katniss is snoring slightly on my arm. No nightmares of my own and no waking up to nightmares of Katniss? Wow. I have forgot what it is like to get a goodnights sleep. I don't move, not wanting to wake up Katniss.
Just like last night I cannot help but be happy in the moment. The girl I love is here with me, trusting me to help her during the time that she is the most vulnerable. I could stay in this moment forever, right here with her. I look down when I feel her turn. She looks at me and I think she might have forgot that I stayed with her last night.
"No nightmares," I say.
She seems confused. "What?"
"You didn't have any nightmares last night," I explain, my fingers playing with a lock of her hair.
He pauses as she lets that sink in. "I had a dream, though," she says, clearly trying to remember. "I was following a mockingjay through the woods. For a long time. It was Rue, really. I mean, when it sang it had her voice." She smiles at the memory and I ask, "Where did she take you?" I brush a few loose strands of hair off her forehead.
"I don't know," she ponders. "We never arrived. But I felt happy."
"Well," I say, smiling at her smile, "You slept like you were happy." She keeps the smile on her face for a few moments, but slowly it droops and she looks away from my face.
"Peeta," she begins, "How come I never know when you're having a nightmare?" Oh, I guess I have never woke her during one of mine.
"I don't know," I say quietly. "I don't think I cry out or trash around or anything. I just come too, paralyzed with terror." I remember the dream I had the night before last. Cato had Katniss tied to a tree while Clove slowly sticks shiny knives into her body. Each time she screamed I felt like something was clawing at my heart. I could never free myself from the grip on me by Marvel and Glimmer. I woke up, frozen in my terror, stuck while I realized where I was and that Katniss was sleeping next to me.
Katniss snaps me back to reality. "You should wake me," she says, looking up at me. I look down into her eyes and compelled to tell the truth.
"It's not necessary," I say and explain, "My nightmares are usually about losing you. I'm okay once I realize you're here." I see her eyes tighten and I immediately feel guilty for telling the truth, but I continue my thought, "Be worse when we're home and I'm sleeping alone again." I hope I don't hurt her feeling too bad. I want her to know that I just want to tell her the truth and that we are in this together. I do not expect anything from her. I start to explain this to her, but then we hear rapping on the door. Effie is reminding us about another "Big, big day!" I sigh and realize that I will have to put this off, again. Katniss looks at me for a few more moments. I am not sure what she sees in my eyes, but before she gets out of bed she kisses me. I am surprised by her lips on mine. Not for show, but because she felt the need. I kiss her back and hug her body to mine. No, no. This is not supposed to happen. I promised myself I would not do this. But while she is not stopping the kiss, neither am I. She seems to come to her senses and lightly pushes away from me. She gives me one small kiss on the forehead and goes into the bathroom.
I lay in bed for a few moments. I feel horrible about kissing her that way. I feel like I am taking advantage of the situation. I cannot believe I let myself do that! I should have just politely pulled away. I do not want Katniss to think I have any kind of expectations when it comes to this sort of thing. Even after we are married, I would never expect her to do anything that she didn't want to do. Or anything she didn't want to do while we are alone, without the pressure of the Capitol.
I am so confused. I get up and walk back to my room where my prep team is waiting. They do not seem to notice my distraction. I want to have Katniss. I want her to marry me, I want to kiss her, hold her for the rest of my life. But I know she is only doing it to keep us all alive. If only there was a way we could fall out of love in the public eye. But how could that happen?