Let the Rain Come Down
Disclaimer: All characters owned and created by Stephenie Meyer.
This chapter is unbeta'ed – any errors are mine and I apologise in advance.
~o.O.o~
Chapter 19
Jasper's POV
Esme's muffled sob pierced the sudden moment of silence. Edward jerked his hand free from my grasp and wrapped both arms around her, the pair of them hugging and swaying. I swiped my hand across my eyes in time to be dragged into the hug by Edward, feeling their arms tighten around me in love and reassurance.
Esme's husky voice whispered in our ears.
"Let's get you packed up and out of here. You're better than all this." We separated, all wiping our eyes then, and set about pulling together our possessions for the last time in what we hoped would be a good long while.
I removed the blankets and linens from the bed, folding them up into a tidy package. My gaze rested on the covered slats, our last desperate act of making do, of pretending to ourselves that everything was fine. I touched the bedhead, scared to believe that this was it, even now. Hope was a dream, something dangled before us to ensure we kept going, kept struggling. We had faith in each other only and would fight until the bitter end to stay together, to hold on to each other.
Walking over to the box of groceries on the counter, I placed the linens on top. Would we have need of the food pantry again in the future? Probably. For now, we could use all the food in the box I held without fear of where the next meal would come from. It would mean that in the immediate future at least, we wouldn't need to buy spoils; we could eat fresh food as we had done over the holiday period.
Edward had repacked our clothes, towels and linens. Our kitchen equipment was unused since that morning's return, only the kettle needed to be emptied and repacked. I bent down and unplugged the heater, looking around for anything missed. I looked up and saw our privacy curtain rigged around the bath and I contemplated leaving it, but the truth was I couldn't afford to leave something that might be useful for us in our next place. Reaching up, I unclipped it and pulled it down, folding it roughly and adding it to the other items.
I gathered up the box, Edward picked up the bags, and we followed Esme out to her car, packing our belongings into the trunk. There was one thing left to do and I motioned to Edward to wait while I trudged upstairs to the landlord's door. I didn't want to face him and so I pushed our door key, tucked into an old rent envelope, under the door where he'd find it. We hadn't paid him any advance rent and so there was nothing to be gained. Our key returned would be message enough.
A part of me felt sorry for the next tenant. The room would be a dry place for them to sleep, but that was all. The struggle to survive was all too real, the loneliness and ever-present terror of not making rent would be their permanent companions. Walking out into the cold, brittle air, I dragged in a deep breath and took a long, last look at our neighbourhood and the alley where I'd worked, where Edward and I had met on that miserable, wet day. My mind recalled him, his too-big coat swamping his thin frame, his hunched, defensive posture borne of fear and self-preservation. I smiled when I remembered his gratitude for a bruised apple and a bottle of fresh water, the way he'd followed me at the promise of more of the same.
A warm hand found mine and our fingers laced. I looked down at them, my future inexorably tied with his, and felt a wave of gratitude for how my world had improved since then. He made the sun shine on a dull day, and his was the only smile I wanted to see when the world was grey with pain. He was burned into me like a hidden truth.
Neither Edward nor Esme spoke, both waiting for me to give them a sign. I could feel myself shaking, standing on the brink of change.
Edward's words were feather-soft against my ear, for only me to hear before they were stolen and carried away on the breeze to who knows where.
"Jas? It's okay. It's okay to trust this. Nothing will wipe away our memories of the past but, in time, maybe we'll only remember the good things. For me, there's been a lot of those since I came to live here with you."
I squeezed his hand and smiled, seeing his earnest expression.
"Let's go. We don't live here anymore."
The short drive was quiet, Edward and I deep in thought. What had happened was a shock, and as such, took time to process. To be offered out of the blue somewhere to live, somewhere safe and warm with good food? This kind of thing didn't happen, not to people like us. Was this false freedom – the illusion of choice and possibilities but in reality, a prison of another design? Were we giving up our own rules to live under another's?
Realistically I knew the answer, but that proud part of me would always baulk at letting go of the reins of my own life.
We would find a new home. Maybe the housing application was the answer – a new landlord and an apartment with a proper cooking area, our own toilet facilities and a legitimate lease. Our dreams were modest; there had to be somewhere we could rent that gave us more than we'd had. With our earnings stable now we were a better prospect as tenants. We were clean, quiet and reliable with rent. We just needed a chance and a home on a decent bus route to enable us to continue bettering ourselves.
I was still thinking when the car pulled into the driveway, the engine falling silent. I pulled myself together and climbed out.
Come on. Make Edward happy.
Once we had everything inside and Rosie was engrossed in her supper, I sat down at the kitchen table to think some more. Esme joined me, followed by Edward. The folder of papers lay on the table and Esme scuffed the tips of her fingers across the outer flap.
"No need to do this tonight. It can wait until you've both settled back in. Have you eaten?"
We shook our heads.
"I thought not. I didn't smell cooking. So, tonight I say we celebrate. How does pizza sound?"
Her infectious smile and Edward's joyful grin spoke volumes. She pulled open a drawer and fished out a menu, handing it to us.
"Choose whatever you like. If there's any leftover you can always have pizza for breakfast!"
Leftover? One pizza and three of us?
I pored over the menu with Edward and we chose a meat feast. Esme nodded and waited. When we looked blank, she grinned.
"What side orders would you like with that?"
Confused, we looked at each other and back down, running our fingers down the page until we found the list of sides. Mouths watering, we chose loaded fries and cheesy garlic bread. The fries came with cheese, bacon and scallions, and Edward's eyes lit up when he read that. They sounded amazing. Esme scribbled down what we said and then chose something different for herself when she rang through the order. We looked at each other, immediately guilty that we'd chosen something she didn't like and so couldn't share with us. We should've asked her – it was wrong of us to just have what we wanted and waste money.
While we waited for someone to deliver our food, we drank coffee and sat, the air thick around us until Edward broke the heavy silence. His throat bobbed with nerves.
"Esme, we want- " He looked at me before continuing, "we want to talk about rules and what you expect of us as paying guests. We like to be clear in what we owe and how to behave."
He sounded like he was giving a well-rehearsed speech and I knew then that he'd practiced it in his head on the way here.
Esme listened and nodded with a reassuring smile, letting him finish before answering.
"I understand this is a huge change for you both, and you may feel like you've had your independence taken away. I thought about this a lot today and if I'm being completely honest, I've been thinking about this quite a bit before today too." We blinked and said nothing. "I want you to have your personal space and to feel like this is your home. I'll trust you to keep your room clean and open a window for a few minutes now and then. In exchange, I won't enter your personal space unless invited in. I'll show you both how to do your own laundry so you can carry on as usual with your own routine because I understand how important this is to you. I've two sets of bed linen for that room that you can use and I've different coloured towels for the bathroom so you'll know which are yours. I've already seen that you keep the bathroom clean and tidy." She beamed. I breathed out, unaware I'd tensed until that moment. She had no need to worry - we would treat her home like a palace.
Edward squeezed my hand under the table. "That all sounds great to us, doesn't it, Jas?" I nodded, scared that all this would dissipate before my eyes. "That just leaves the subject of payment." He cleared his throat, gulping loud enough for me to feel his trepidation. "So, we're used to paying $140 a week plus extra for use of the heater, and-"
Esme's sharp inhale stopped him in his tracks. We shot worried looks at each other, Edward backpedalling. "We understand if it's not enough, I mean your home is so lovely, and we can-"
Her face crumpled, her hands fluttering to her eyes. When she lowered them again, I couldn't understand her expression. Then she spoke.
"He charged you all that? With no hot water or proper heating? That evil…" She covered her mouth with her hand. "I had no idea. I knew you struggled to make ends meet, but-" Her words tailed off.
My heart sank and I felt my face flame with humiliation. How could I have known? Had I done so wrong? Had I been a fool? I'd tried my best, but no one else would rent to me when I was living on the street. That place had been the only one I could find that didn't ask for references and only one week's cash up front. He also didn't care what I did so long as I paid on time. He had no idea how hard I'd worked to scrape together the money; how on the frequent bad weather days I had earned little to nothing, trying to make up the rest on the decent days when my regulars came looking for me. He knew nothing of how often I'd gone a couple of days without food.
I struggled to explain.
"No one else would rent to me when I was only just eighteen with no references. I didn't have to sign any papers so long as I paid him every week, and he didn't care how I got the money so long as I came up with it. I-I knew it wasn't legal, but-"
Edward's arm was around my waist in a moment. My defender. Esme pushed herself to her feet and in a moment was crouched between us, hands rubbing our shoulders.
"Sweetheart, you're not to blame here. You did what you had to do to keep yourself safe. That person exploited your situation and convinced you to be grateful. Students pay that sort of money in house-shares and they get the use of a proper bathroom, hot water, kitchen facilities and a warm room to sleep in. He gave you nothing and took your money and it makes me so angry, but not at you. Never at you, sweetheart."
My throat tightened. "I couldn't say anything about it in case he threw me out. I just worked and worked until I had the money each week so he'd leave me alone." I fought back tears of shame, determined not to cry again, but this was sorely tested when she pressed a kiss against my temple, then Edward's.
She stood and walked round to the kettle, refilling it and switching it on. Turning to face us, she smiled, but I sensed her anxiety.
"I can't… I won't take your money from you. It'd make me no better than that thieving…" She paused and gathered herself. Edward looked at me then back to Esme and I sensed his growing anguish.
"We must pay you, Esme. It's the right thing to do. There has to be a figure we can agree on. After all, we're using your room and your facilities. That all costs money."
His worried eyes flashed to me. I nodded in understanding and took a breath.
"Esme, we don't want to offend you. Please, tell us how much you would accept so we know where we stand."
I watched her grip the counter behind her while she tried to find the words.
"Like I said, I've thought about this for a while. Up to now, all your money has gone on rent and food with little to no money left for anything more. I cannot for the life of me see how you living here can increase my bills by much. I mean, the heat is on in the winter anyway so there's hot water, the room isn't being used and you look after yourselves." She ran her hand through her hair. "I didn't invite you to live here in order to make money from you. You need the opportunity to get back on your feet, put some money aside for your future, and I'd like to help with that."
We weren't getting very far and we needed to know where we stood. To us, it was essential to have everything in black and white. It was how we survived – our bedrock.
"Please, Esme." Edward's words were tentative, cajoling.
She took a loud breath, turning to make the coffee. Leaning round, she placed two full cups on the table in front of Edward and me, reaching round to retrieve her own.
"Very well. If you insist on paying I will accept $100 per month to cover the use of your room and your share of the utilities."
We looked at each other, frowning.
Edward spoke, his voice wobbly.
"But, Esme - that's only $25 a week for the both of us. No. It's just wrong."
She sipped her coffee and set it down, running her finger around the rim of the cup. With a deep sigh, she looked up.
"I've made my decision. No arguments. I won't take more from you than I need. That leaves you money to buy your own food and anything else that you want." She smiled then. "I did have one idea but it's okay if you don't want to. I thought that we could all go shopping in the car each week. That way you wouldn't have to carry everything home by hand. You decide – I want you to have choices and not to just go along with what I suggest." She looked at us, a hopeful smile on her lips. "I'd love it if you'd like to share the cooking when we're all home together. I know how much you enjoy it." She grinned at me then. "It'd give us a chance to catch up at the end of the day, like a proper family. And at other times when I'm not around you're free to look after yourselves like you're used to doing."
Family. She called us family.
I was stunned into silence and I looked to see Edward staring at the table, his eyelashes glistening with unshed tears. The immediate concern on Esme's face when she noticed was how I imagined a mom would look at her child. I tried to distract her attention before he lost control. My voice was rough and unsteady.
"Of course we'd buy all our own cleaning and laundry products and..."
"No, you won't, Jasper. I have to buy those things anyway and I keep the laundry cupboard stocked. I'm no stranger to the coupon!" She fidgeted. "Until you both came to stay at Christmas that room hadn't been used. Having you staying in there will cost me nothing. Any debts you feel you owe can be repaid in walking and minding Rosie when I'm out for the evening and by keeping your room and the bathroom clean and tidy, which I already know you do."
This was a redundant point – to us, it was second nature. We were used to being in a confined space with limited resources. Esme turned to Edward with a hopeful look in her eyes.
"Edward, sweetheart, is that okay with you? Are you okay with minding Rosie when you're not at work? You know she adores you."
A watery grin flowed across his face, helpless in the face of such blatant persuasion.
"Of course I'll look after her. You know I love her."
With that, the deal was sealed without any more needing to be said.
We sat in silence, letting our change of circumstances begin to sink in. My mind was racing, thinking about finding ourselves a new place to live, not wanting to take advantage of Esme's generosity of spirit.
But she called us family. That means we're not in the way. We're not tenants. We're… wanted.
My thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell and we both jumped before realising it was our food. Esme raised her eyebrows at us with a grin before grabbing her purse and heading for the door. We heard the delivery guy greet her and her cheery reply. I heard the word 'celebration', and looked to Edward, seeing him flush a little. Seizing the moment, I leaned in and kissed him, unable to resist a moment longer. I felt his immediate response, the sudden hitch in his breathing, the wonderful feeling of home in his kiss. When we heard the door close we parted, a lingering glance betraying a hunger that had nothing to do with supper.
Seeing Edward's mouth a little open, his eyes locked on my lips, I had to take a deep breath and turn away, hearing Esme approach. She stepped into the kitchen, her arms full of boxes exuding the tantalising aroma of melted cheese. My stomach growled. I took the small boxes from the top of the stack and set them down, waiting for permission to start. She looked bemused and flipped open the larger of the boxes, turning it to face us. We gaped at the sight of eight slices of meat feast pizza for just the two of us, looking up to see her smiling at us in obvious enjoyment. The two smaller boxes held our side orders and couldn't believe all this was for us. Now I understood what she meant about leftovers. She had a small pizza cut into four pieces and some garlic bread that she took a bite from with obvious enjoyment.
Edward broke free from his trance and we both reached for pizza, needing to taste the source of the maddening, mouth-watering scent. That first bite was heavenly and I realised that we didn't need to eat it in tiny bites to make it last – we could eat it and enjoy it, knowing there was more if we wanted it. Edward's hand was in the box of fries so I fished out some garlic bread, my teeth sinking into the crispy, cheesy slice. The flavour was amazing and I handed one to Edward to try. He took it, pushing the fries towards me and I took a bite, my mouth filling with bacon and sour cream.
I shook my head, not able to fully believe how this day had turned out. Next to me, Edward was taking blissful bites of pizza, filling his empty belly. I was so happy he was enjoying food again and could've just watched him eat and been content. He saw me watching, a helplessly fond expression on my face, and lowered his eyes a fraction before looking back, a faint blush staining his cheeks. I grinned and took another slice of cheesy heaven from the box.
When we were done, all the boxes were empty. I hadn't realised how used to portion control we were until someone told us it was okay to eat. Had we appeared greedy to finish all that food? Maybe it wasn't a lot to some but it was at least double what we usually had. It was hard to break the ingrained habit of holding back, of saving some for later in case the weather turned and I couldn't work. I gave myself a mental shake.
Past tense, Jasper. That's not who you are anymore.
Beside me, Edward burped, momentarily mortified to do so in the presence of a lady. Esme chuckled and we both relaxed.
"I might not have cooked it, but I'll take that as a compliment, Edward!"
He smiled then, ducking his head, embarrassed but happy. Esme gathered the empty boxes and bagged them for the trash. I pushed back my chair.
"If it's okay, Esme, I'd like to go and put away our things in our new room."
She beamed, waving her hand in the direction of the door.
"Yes, of course, off you go. Go unpack properly and settle in." Her smile was warm.
I reached for Edward's hand and led him back to our room. Now that it was ours for more than a night, we allowed ourselves to look around with fresh eyes and we saw how wonderful it truly was. Soft rugs either side of the bed, nightstands for our morning coffee and my small stash of beloved books. When we looked closer, we saw that we each had a tiny nightlight with a pull cord. I could read in bed and not disturb Edward.
Now that he was well again, I could appreciate the true luxury of our new surroundings, not to mention the comfort of the bed itself, ensuring we woke without aches and pains.
We had a proper closet and dresser that swallowed up our clothes. Our own laundered sheets and blankets were folded and stored away in clean drawers until we needed them again. Our few kitchen items were boxed and slid back under the bed for safe storage. When we stood and looked around, you still couldn't tell anyone lived there. We had nothing personal, nothing nonessential, to decorate the room and made it ours. Burrowing back under the bed, I found our Christmas card and stood it on the empty dresser where it caught the light, twinkling its message of friendship and hope.
It was a start. Maybe soon we could add a picture of the two of us. I knew Edward would love that, as would I.
That night there would be no worries about our immediate future. Everything was warm, comfortable and secure in our little world.
When we were done, we made our way back to the lounge to find Esme making something with coloured yarn, the TV on quietly. Edward paused before crouching next to her.
He cleared his throat and I watched him, his closed stance betraying his mounting anxiety, wondering what he was going to say.
"Esme, I wanted to warn you that I sometimes have nightmares. Not too often anymore, not since I started seeing the therapist, but sometimes. Jasper knows how to calm me down, but they can be pretty bad when they happen. I-I just didn't want you to be worried if you heard me."
For a moment I wondered if Esme would think this was a ruse to cover up any odd noises she might hear coming from our room at night, but one look at Edward dispelled that. His fingers clutched in discomfort at the arm of the chair, baring a small part of himself that he hid from everyone else. Esme set down her yarn, resting a hand on his tensed fingers, her head tilted in understanding.
"Thank you, sweetheart. I can't deny I'm relieved that you're getting help to deal with whatever causes them – I absolutely hate the thought of you suffering. I just want you well and happy. If it happens again and you can't settle, open your door and call Rosie in. Maybe with both Jasper and Rosie protecting you, you'll feel relaxed enough to fall back to sleep." She smiled at me and I returned it, watching Rosie's ears twitch in her sleep. "And don't worry about waking me. It's not something you can control, after all. Hopefully, they'll fade over time like old scars do. I'm no doctor, but I hope that's the case."
I watched his body sag in relief at her acceptance. She didn't know why he had the nightmares - we'd been careful not to allude to the attacks we'd both endured and we wanted to keep it that way. Our dark pasts were not something to burden her with. We had each other for the bad stuff.
After that, we felt able to relax and watch a little TV, getting used to having background noise after so long hearing nothing but the monotony of gusting wind and rain. I was getting familiar with some current songs after hearing them play at work and found myself humming along to one that was playing during an ad break. Up until now Edward still spent most of his day outdoors and looked up at me with a surprised grin. I stopped, feeling momentarily foolish until I realised that he was impressed with my newfound knowledge.
He was proud of me.
That night, we headed to bed when we were sleepy, not because we were cold. Rosie trotted in to say goodnight once we were washed up and she got her cuddle before we closed the door and snuggled under the covers, cocooned in our own private world.
Edward shuffled close and I felt a jolt of exhilaration at the feel of his warm, bare skin under my fingers. A sigh of contentment rumbled through his chest, warm breath ghosting across my ribs.
"Can I tell you something?"
His voice was low, tentative. My hand stroked his back, not missing a beat.
"Anything."
"While you were at work today I went for a walk."
I frowned, confused.
"That's a good idea – making sure you felt ready to go back to work?"
A heavy sigh vibrated through his body.
"Sort of." He backtracked. "No, not really." His fingers were tracing soft circles on my stomach that caused delectable shivers. I forced myself to focus.
"So…?"
"I didn't want to stay there alone. I didn't want to say anything but it just didn't feel like home anymore. It was like you said – I saw it with fresh eyes. I didn't want to disparage the one place that was ours, but I was pretending… I mean, when we moved back in I was pretending to be happy about it. I didn't want you to see that I didn't want to go back. It felt so ungrateful. I just wanted to be strong."
"I know."
He looked up, brow creased.
"You knew? I thought I'd hidden it." He sounded sad and I wasn't having that, not at all.
"My love, I know you so well now. I saw you put on your brave face, your 'let's get this done' face. You were determined to make a go of it and so was I. We're used to getting on with things." I paused. "Although, despite wanting us to get home and back into our familiar way of doing things, I was lying to myself about it and now that I know you were lying to yourself too, well..." I pressed a kiss to his neck. "I guess we both realised we were worth more. Plus, staying here had softened us a bit, I think I'll always be grateful though, for you having had somewhere safe to recover and people around you who care."
He smiled his secret smile, the lop-sided one that made my heart thump.
"It never crossed my mind that she'd do this." His quiet half-laugh betrayed his emotion. "Never in a million years. Thanks to her, we can save our money for when we get our own new place and be able to buy things for it like… a microwave! And our own TV!"
I grinned.
"I need to think bigger. I was getting excited about being able to buy peanut butter!"
He giggled then and I joined in until our lips found each other's and we sank into the first of many long-overdue kisses.
~o.O.o~
The next evening, supper eaten and cleared away, we sat down with Esme and tackled the housing forms. Edward filled them out in his neat writing the way he had at the medical centre. It took a long time and Esme helped with all the complicated questions, but eventually, we were done. Our possible future was now in the hands of strangers who only knew what they read about us on a form.
Esme saw our subdued faces and reached for the cake tin, cutting two slices of chocolate cake and sliding them across the table to us on plates painted with small blue flowers.
"Try to remember that, no matter what happens next, taking this first step is an achievement."
We ate our cake, letting that thought sink in.
She was right, of course. I didn't know whether it was her wise words or the magic of her incredible chocolate cake, but by the time we'd cleaned our plates we were both feeling far more positive.
~o.O.o~