Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter. Another happy flashback today, even if bittersweet against the backdrop. I am trying to get a balance of happy/sad just so that we don't all get super depressed - it is interesting thought that the sad ones get a deeper response :P Are we all masochists? In other news, I think I may be posting another one-shot soon too (another missing scene from 1x19) so keep an eye out for that!
Thanks for the love so far, only about half way through this episode! Thanks to thesameguest for reading this one over.
"Guess what, kids?" Stef bound into the kitchen armed with supplies.
"You got pizza for dinner?" Jesus asked excited, hopping his arms onto the table and kneeling on his stool.
"Jesus!" Mariana chastised him for shouting out so flamboyantly.
"She asked..." he shrugged, sitting back down. The twins had been there for a few weeks now but it was clear that Mariana's sense of security wasn't yet as solid as her brother's.
"Even better than pizza, my boy!" Stef ended their imminent bickering, taking the attention back.
"Lasagne?" Kasey asked.
"Not lasagne. Guys, not everything is about food...it's something we're going to do as a family!"
"Take Kasey to live with grandma?" Brandon asked hopefully to an evil squint from Kasey.
"No, and don't taunt your sister."
"Are we all gonna live with their grandma?" Jesus asked, creasing his forehead.
"Trust me, I am never going to voluntarily go and live with grandma." Stef replied, getting frustrated.
"You're not just sending us to live with their grandma are you?" Jesus asked scared as Mariana's eyes widened.
"What? No! Nobody is going to live with grandma..." she suddenly remembered why she'd vowed never to start questions with "guess".
"Even if Kasey backchats?" Brandon asked disappointed.
Stef barely had time to squint in confusion before Kasey filled her in.
"You said last week that you'd send me to grandma's and see how well I could get the last word there."
"Woah-Kay" she chopped her hands out as all four mouths snapped shut.
"Camping guys, we're going to have a camp-out."
"We're going camping at grandma's?"
Stef covered her face, momentarily contemplating sending them all to grandma's.
"No, in the garden. Nobody is going anywhere near grandma, OK? Grandma is temporarily not even part of this family, got it? She is not to feature in any imminent family discussions."
The children were all silent and open-mouthed at Stef's revelation. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes wide with a smile to attempt a new chapter. She momentarily enjoyed the moment of silence before the next tirade began.
"How are we all going to fit in a tent?"
"Can I bring my video games?"
"Can I bring my keyboard?"
"Why would you bring your keyboard?"
"Why are we going camping in the rain?"
Stef braced a hand over her forehead as the hum went on before the last one caught her attention.
It had come from a usually quiet Mariana and there was suddenly a crash of thunder that caused them all to turn.
Lena appeared through the door, shaking off an umbrella.
"Camp-out's off." She commented as Stef's face dropped.
"No! What? It hasn't rained for weeks, how can we have a thunderstorm today? I even bought all the supplies."
Lena shrugged and gave her a kiss.
"Can we not still camp out in the house?" Kasey suggested.
"We can't fit a tent in the house..." Brandon replied pompously as Kasey dipped her head in smug annoyance.
"We can still all sleep in the living room together, Brandon!"
Stef's expression turned to a wink as she turned to Lena. "That is actually an idea..."
Lena shrugged a nod. "We could do everything we would do outside, just inside."
"It'll just be like the last time but without the snakes." Kasey gave a pointed look at Brandon who rubbed his hair defensively in frustration.
"It looked like a snake!"
"There are snakes in the garden?" Jesus replied, excited as Mariana instinctively brought her legs as far from the floor as possible.
"Kasey...you promised." Lena warned her as Brandon broke into a hysterical rant and Mariana cuddled towards Jesus.
"But it was so hila-" She stopped her protest at a glare from Stef and dipped her head down.
Stef shook her head at Lena with a disheartened sigh as Lena rolled her eyes and clapped her hands, stopping the babbling going on before them.
"Enough. If we're going to do this we have to get sorted. We need to make a campsite."
"Where are we going to put the fire?" Kasey joked.
"Fire? Are we going to have a fire in the house?"
"Won't the room fill up with smoke?"
Stef closed her eyes and re-thought her recent vow to never move back with Sharon.
"No fires. No snakes. Let's just go and get some sheets and supplies from upstairs. Go grab your bedding and the first one back gets to pick the first game."
The boys immediately dived off their chairs to bolt upstairs, the girls not even attempting to compete.
"There aren't actually snakes" Kasey assured Mariana who still had a nervous look. "Brandon just saw a skipping rope and got scared. He started crying, it was - "
"Kasey." Stef warned as her daughter rolled her eyes and sighed in submission to her gagging order not to bring up that particular humiliation of her brother.
"I'll tell you when they're not listening." She indiscreetly whispered, prompting a small giggle even from timid Mariana.
As the two of them left, the landline rang and Kasey quickly moved to pick it up.
"Kasey Foster." She chirped proudly, perfecting her telephone voice. "Hi Grandma..." She began as Stef began to saunter towards her casually, realising she would soon be called anyway.
"I don't know if Mom will want to speak right now, she said you weren't part of the family at the -"
Stef's eyes widened as she lunged forward ripping the phone from Kasey's hand and squashed her anxiously into her side.
"Hi Mom, nope not a clue...kids you know she probably misheard my - ugh" she closed her eyes, noting the damage had already been done. She squinted down at an innocent looking Kasey before pushing her towards the stairs roughly, her palm encasing the crown of her daughter's head and walking herself into the kitchen to be nagged in peace.
"Look out!" Brandon yelled as a pile of bedding came flying down the stairs just ahead of where Kasey and Mariana were about to step.
"Brandon!" Kasey yelled
"Wait, are you gonna..." she looked up at the two boys, sleeping bags getting unravelled. Her face lit up.
"Quick! Come up before Moms see."
"Come on Mariana..." Kasey grabbed her hand and pulled her up the stairs as the boys sat in prime position.
"Are we gonna slide down...?" Mariana sussed the setup, her eyes expanding again.
"Don't worry, we've done it tons...you just have to not get caught." She whispered with a twinkle in her eye.
There was still some uncertainty in the little girl's face. Kasey put her hand on her shoulder.
"You trust us don't you?"
Mariana looked at the two eager boys at the top of the stairs and down at the soft cushion at the bottom.
"It'll be fine, Mariana! They know what they're doing!" Jesus reached his hand out towards her and she gave Kasey a shy smile who beamed back, taking her hand as they both ran up.
Kasey took her position next to the boys and pulled Mariana close to her tummy. She delicately slipped into their assigned sleeping bag. Brandon sat tight with Jesus in the same position.
"Hey - it's like a Foster family sled!" Brandon observed as Jesus and Mariana shared a smile. They both felt the same buzz sat with what finally felt like siblings. The two older twins counted down before they slid down the stairs, laughing and cheering before collapsing in the pile of bedding.
The kids all climbed out of the car and dispersed in a similar silence that had plagued the whole journey.
As they got into the house, Kasey's phone bleeped.
"Hydrogen peroxide and bandages in the bathroom cabinet."
She sighed at the motherly reminder that came through. She remembered her promise to Lena and walked up to the bathroom striding in to find Jesus slumped over the sink.
"Sorry. I'll come back later." She turned to move, but his voice stopped her.
"You thinkin' it too?" he asked bluntly. He moved away from the sink, clearly having had splashed cold water on his face. He grabbed a towel and patted it down.
"Thinkin' what?" Kasey asked, folding her arms.
"How pissed you are at me for putting your Mom in danger after you took us in." his tone was fed up and severe.
It wasn't a tone Kasey was in the mood for.
"What? You think now suddenly this is just my family?" Kasey was almost offended at the inference. "That'd be nice and easy wouldn't it! That every time you screw up you can make it seem like you don't have any responsibility as our brother?" her voice was staying quiet but her tone was damning. "You don't pick and choose, Jesus. I'll never not think of you as my family. What I don't understand is when you stopped thinking of me as part of yours." she added bitterly, striding past him to get the bottle of antiseptic.
"What do you mean?" his eyebrows creased, clearly upset but also confused. "Because we tried to help our birth Mom?"
"No, Jesus! Because you didn't tell me. I thought we were close - how could I be the only person who didn't know about this?" She threw off her dirty bandage and began to get it cleaned up, not breaking her rant. It had been building up too long and now they were out of the hospital it seemed to flow freely.
"I'm pissed at you because you cut me out! You did something so mind-numbingly stupid and I find out from a cop?"
"I tried to tell you what was going on!" he fired back.
"When?"
"The other night! I came to you for help and you blew me off."
"When you were writing your pap-" Kasey froze, her new bandage hanging down from her wrist, and let out an exasperated sigh. She wasn't sure when she had forgotten those details. She had played every one over in her mind but somehow over the night everything had been distorted.
"Jesus, how could I have known that's what you wanted to tell me?" Her voice now went from angry to frustrated. "How was I meant to guess this?"
"I don't know! You usually do!" He shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets and dipping his head. He saw as she struggled again trying to fit the gauze one handed. "You always figure me out. You always know what to do. I can just leave it to you and it all works out. I just...I just figured I wouldn't have to tell you because you'd get it out of me." his brow frowned deeper with her continued struggle.
"Look, let me help you Kase." She was about to reject it but saw the concern in his eyes. She held her hand out.
"I know I should have just said..." he began to explain. "I just...I'm so used to you just knowing what to do...and this did feel like it didn't involve you...or that it shouldn't. Truth is Ana's screwed up my life and Mariana's, I didn't want her screwing up yours too. If I got you involved you'd have got into trouble too."
"I already got into trouble for you, idiot. Remember? Over your damn pills." Her voice was now softer but still cutting. "And I would do it again, and I will do it every damn day just like I did for Jude - whether he liked it or not. That's what we do!"
"Well that attitude didn't exactly turn out great for Mom..."
"And you didn't exactly tell her." they bickered back and forth. "Maybe if you had done..."
"Then what? She wouldn't have got shot?" Jesus bit back, cutting her off. He was frustrated but it was also clear it was the guilt talking.
Kasey bit down at her lip, pacing her response carefully to calm him down.
"Then you wouldn't have had to deal with all this alone." She quivered, exposing her sadness not only at the situation they faced now but the grief that all of this had passed her by. That her brother and sister had got themselves into this position right under her nose and it was yet another force she was apparently helpless to have prevented.
They locked eyes for a moment as Jesus tied the bandage sharply, gratitude taking over his face.
Eventually he nodded. Nothing she could say would make him feel less guilty, but the fact it was clear she didn't blame him as much as he blamed himself was of comfort - after all he valued her opinion more than most. After their momentary pause, they pulled each other into a tight hug. They stood clasped together until he eventually pulled away and leaned against the sink.
"What if she doesn't make it tomorrow..." he asked quietly, his eyes wrought with fear.
Kasey put an arm on his shoulder. "Mom won't let a sleazeball druggie with a gun win. She doesn't even let one of her own kids beat her at Monopoly."
She joked even though the emotional and physical exhaustion pulled at the delivery. Jesus gazed at her fondly, the sentiment behind it was warming but the twinge of nostalgia didn't help to reduce his remorse.
[Sleepover Flashback continued]
"We won't even have a chance at Monopoly!" Jesus commented with a huff. "Stef has won that both times we've played!"
"Mom will win whatever we pick." Kasey added. "It's just gotta be a fun game."
"I think we should take this one...and this one...and this one..." Jesus piled up game after game in Kasey's arms, his attention from Stef's competitiveness immediately switching to collecting as many colourful boxes as possible.
"OK - I don't think we'll have time to play all these." She assessed, struggling under the weight.
"What about those..." Mariana's small voice squeaked.
"What?" the other two looking up to the shelf.
"The little one..." she clarified as they saw a small packet of playing cards peeping over the edge of the shelf.
Jesus turned to look at her with a smile, proud she was making her voice heard. "I like that idea!" He said leaping up onto the shelf as Kasey placed the games down to make sure he didn't fall.
He grabbed for it as it clattered down, him slipping back into Kasey's diving grasp along with a tumble of other things. The two of them fell back with a screetch and some laughter.
"You guys behaving?" Lena's voice called. "We don't want any more mischief..." she stressed after the already near miss when the stair sledding was uncovered.
"We are!" Kasey assured her with a shout as Mariana offered a hand to help them up.
"Hey...look what I found..." Jesus beamed holding up a elongated, green toy. Kasey's face lit up as she saw it.
"Know what I think we should do?" A mischievous look grew across his face as Kasey immediately clocked. They shared a cheeky grin before Kasey hid the toy under her shirt and they ran to join the others downstairs.
The family gathered around in their various sheets and pillows; pyjamas were mandatory dress code.
"Cards, huh? Old school. I like it. Do not comment, Missy." Stef pointed to Kasey whose mouth was about to click open. "So what are we playing? Go Fish? What do you reckon, Mariana?" She flashed her eyes to her new foster daughter with a daring smile.
"I don't know any card games..." she responded, embarrassed.
"Why did you pick the cards then?" Brandon asked confused as Lena placed an arm around his shoulders to hopefully calm his bluntness.
"I wanted to see how you played them I guess..." She whispered
"We can learn!" Jesus bounced forward grabbing the deck and emptying them out all over the floor.
"OK, maybe I should shuffle them for now." Lena flicked her eyebrow up and freed her hands to gather the cards.
"I just wanted to watch you play with them..." Mariana asked quietly, gripping the blanket she held tightly in her hand.
"But that won't be any fun for you..." Brandon replied, still unsure of what to make of this alien attitude.
"Why don't you play with Mom, then you can learn as you go and you'll probably win." Kasey suggested.
"That, my friend is an excellent plan! Gold star for you." Stef applauded with a wink.
"More like lose!" Jesus challenged.
"Oh! You gonna let him speak like that, Mariana?" Lena responded, looking up as she tidied the cards into their neat pile.
"I'm hurt!" Stef added, shocked. "We need to teach him a lesson, I think. Teach them all a lesson."
Mariana giggled, cuddling up to Stef's leg.
"We gonna beat them?" Stef asked, squeezing her tightly.
"We'll try." Mariana rolled her head into Stef's body.
"Hey I'm not having that, come on, let me hear a 'Yeah!'" She poked her gently.
"Yeah." came the embarrassed response.
"I think you can do better than that." She said, tickling her side.
"Yeah!" the small girl giggled.
"Yeah!" Stef shouted heaving her up on her knee.
"We're gonna kick their butts!"
"Stef." Lena scolded.
"Sorry sweetheart. We're gonna kick their butts." she whispered in Mariana's ear as Lena rolled her eyes.
"OK, Kasey, you wanna deal?" Lena passed the deck to her eldest daughter.
"Jesus gets to start 'cause he's the youngest." Brandon explained.
"Hey, I'm the same age." Mariana spoke out, inducing a shared smile between Lena and Stef as her confidence increased.
"Yeah but Mom's super old so it doesn't count." Kasey giggled, throwing the cards into each pile.
"Oh! OK, gold star revoked and just for that we are going first!" Stef tickled Kasey's neck as she squirmed round and Brandon began explaining the rules.
"Which one should we ask for?" Stef whispered as Mariana pointed, using her other hand to bring her blanket to her cheek.
"Good choice!" Stef poked it out and kissed her head, Mariana sitting back against her chest.
Mariana stroked the card packet with her thumb, placing it back into the cardboard box. She was deciding to be proactive in working off her guilt.
She looked at the collection before her, all things she had begrudged her Moms telling her over and over to sort through. She never understood her parents' endless need to clear things. To reduce. It seemed like every week she was advised to sort through her wardrobe or find toys for the children's home. It's why it surprised her that she was having an overwhelming urge to purge.
"Wow, you have a lot of stuff." Callie smiled, walking into the room.
"I guess when you come out of living from a backpack you become a hoarder." Mariana shrugged.
"How many homes were you in?" Callie asked, moving to help her with a particularly heavy box.
"I'm not sure I even remember. Some were so brief. I just know they all sucked." she paused before she sat down to the ground. She stared into the boxes, looking back into her thoughts. "All I really remember is the instability. That and the loneliness. The distance."
"Yeah, I know the feeling." Callie sympathised, thinking back to her own pre-Foster fostering days. Even though there was no permanent arrangement for them here, it was still the only place that felt as if they at least wouldn't be hauled out. She had known distance too. The homes where you were only present in body, you weren't part of the family. Some in which you weren't even acknowledged.
Mariana knew those too. How scared they had first been when they came to live with Stef and Lena. How they were the first people to really embrace them. To let them be children rather than a pay-check from the government. The first ones who cared when she was crying because she was sad, not just because she was making noise. The first ones not to blame everything on them. Holding a palm to her face, the tears began to flow.
"I just can't believe I screwed it all up!" she cried as Callie dropped down next to her to pull her in tightly.
"Hey, look, everyone makes mistakes." she rubbed her back.
"Mom's lying in hospital because of me!"
"She's not lying in hospital because of you, Mariana." Callie soothed her as she continued to sob into her shoulder.
"You didn't make Stef go into that house and you didn't pull the trigger. Right?"
Mariana breathed trying to collect herself.
"But..."
"That isn't going to help." Callie assured her as she sniffed and pulled her head back up, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.
"And anyway, Stef is gonna be OK. The doctor told us that." Callie rubbed Mariana's back but Mariana's lip simply twitched down again.
"But we won't be. Me and her. She's never going to forgive me. Neither is Lena."
"You don't know that." she brushed her hair behind her ear as Mariana wiped her other eye.
"Stef and Lena are the two most forgiving people I know. Don't give up on them." Mariana looked down to the floor. She knew Callie's words made sense but she still couldn't bring herself to believe them.
Jesus had returned to his bedroom leaving Kasey alone in the bathroom. She sat on the edge of the bath, thinking about what had happened that night, playing with the corner of her bandage. Don't play with it. She heard her Mom say in her head, imagining the wrist slap on her good hand. She got lost in the smile for the moment before rubbing her face down with her palms.
She thought about her track record of the day. She had fought with Stef, Mike - even Lena. She had snapped at Callie and fought with Jesus - they were things that never happened. She was amazed she hadn't fought with Brandon, but then they hadn't been in the room together long enough. She was so crushed by the constant swell of anger - that had been one of the hardest things. She was washed with guilt at how little that would be helping anyone. Freeing her face from her grip she took a deep breath - with the exception of her twin, the only one left in the house she hadn't fought with was Mariana - in some ways the one she was most angry at. She couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness for her, though. The poor girl would never have anticipated this and the punishment far outweighed the crime. No-one deserved having this over their head. She had seen the way Lena had acted around her - knowing it wasn't her fault either, but the effect that must have had would be overwhelming for the young girl.
And Lena. Ugh. She was still haunted by what she said to her - that however was probably beyond any repair for the night. Nevertheless, she thought about her stuck at that hospital alone and decided it was probably best to take at least a step on the road to recovery.
She flicked her phone out and opened the message Lena had sent. Hitting reply she began to type.
Next Chapter Preview: Kasey and Mariana over the events that unfolded at the sleepover and Lena contemplates a world without Stef.
"I'm trying so hard to forgive them. I'm sorry I'm not doing a better job." she held back a tear, her hands trembling in the absence of where Stef would usually have grabbed them.
She was needing that touch. That support. That soft caress which transferred the strength she needed to pull her through anything.
She wiped a tear from her cheek as it escaped.