Hello readers! Thanks for the reviews to the last chapter - glad it went down as well as I hoped as it was definitely one of my favourites to write. All of the remaining ones will be more that kind of reconciliation focus rather than angst focus I would say. This is probably the turning point for Kasey in the whole story and then the next chapter will be her big Stef scene which really ties everything up for her apart from the fluff in I Do - to be honest that whole episode will be mainly fluff though I'll cover the trial and the adoption decision.
Anyway - on with the show...
[During the divorce]
Brandon and Kasey exchanged a worried look as the car jolted, Mike too heavy on the break around the corner before it regulated again.
"I don't know what your Mom is so worried about anyway!" Mike continued to rant. They could hear the hint of a slur and Brandon drove his head down to look at the floor. Kasey subtly held her hand out to his as it grabbed onto the fabric of the seat.
"We have fun, don't we? Right?" He laughed to himself and shook his head, closing his eyes in the scene he was becoming consumed with. He sniffed, checking the kids in the mirror but only seeing their faces. His eyes got lost in them for the moment. Swept up in the pure love he felt whenever they caught his vision. This type of acknowledgement was increasingly common now his time with them seemed less and his thought were becoming a simplistic swell of what he had and what he didn't - the alcohol doing well to make it even more simplistic.
He thought of the day they were born. The first time he held them in his arms. He closed his eyes for another moment, the mixture of the nostalgia and the liquor making his eyelids heavy. He wanted to be able to focus on them for a second, pulled into a dreamworld. As his mind swept away it was blasted back as he felt the car jolt and turn. His eyes flew open as he steadied the wheel and immediately threw his arm back to shield the children. As the car jumped he stamped on the breaks and felt another pound, this time his heart as it jumped at his chest. There was a deadly silence. There were no other cars. Very few lights. Just his pounding heart and the sound of two desperate children panting.
He swallowed hard and turned, his mouth open in shock, similar to those of his two kids. Both of whom were plastered with fear and he could see their hands gripped tightly to each other.
"We're OK. We're good." He assured them, though his own panting was a sign it was also for himself. "We're good." He whispered. "You're nearly home..."
He revved up the car again as both children sat speechless in the car. He got to the driveway and stopped, crippled with his own shame at the silence that had haunted him for the rest of the journey. Both kids still had their hands firmly clasped together in mutual sympathy.
He was suddenly very aware of the smell on his breath. He wasn't sure if it was because he had been sobered but could still taste it or if it was the guilt. He knew for sure though that he couldn't face Stef.
"So...I'll drop you here, right?" He turned to them. "And you tell Mommy we...you tell Mommy we're all home safe." he repeated, once again himself being the hardest to convince. He had never endangered the lives of his children before. Never.
He hopped up, seeing both children still paralysed, and opened the door. They watched him from the side before unbuckling themselves and jumping out. Brandon was first. He got out and lingered momentarily by his father. He could see the dread in his eyes but quickly looked anywhere else. He knew that he was the cause of his Dad looking so terrified. That it was them being in there that was the elephant in the room and with that he knew that it was fear he wouldn't be trusted with them again. Brandon quickly gave him a flash of a hug, breaking contact before Mike even had the chance to return it.
Next Kasey edged out, shimmying over the seat where Brandon had been sat. She too looked up at him, speechless. Mike's head dipped as their eyes locked. Kasey's full of the terror he was sure was mirrored in his own.
He placed a hand over her forehead but she didn't go in for the hug. She ran off behind Brandon, looking back to her Dad and wondering, just for a second, if a bridge had now been lit to burn.
Mike followed them with his eyes as they entered the house. He saw Stef's sillhouette in the window and quickly jumped in the car, rubbing his face. This had been a wake up call. He looked down at the bottle next to him and thought about tossing it out straight away...but then it called. It talked him down. As the seconds ticked and his heart still pounded the lure of forgetting it had happened at all slowly overpowering the fear that had captured him. The bottle softly singing in his ear. He closed his eyes and revved the engine, pulling away to a way to forget the ordeal he had just had to face.
The children ran into the house, Stef already speeding towards them.
"Your Dad not coming in to say hello?" She asked, twitching the curtain. What she really meant was "He's not even bothering to walk you to the door now" but she had decided against the phrasing.
"He was...tired." Kasey spoke up as Brandon looked to her. They exchanged a silent acknowledgement. Stef may have been trying to hide her anger with Mike but her kids were smart enough to pick up frustration. She had never been good at hiding it, especially recently.
"We're tired too." Brandon added. "I think we want to go to bed." He added with another side glance to Kasey.
"OK - well..." Stef looked down to them. "Good - "
"I love you Mom." Kasey cut her off and leaped up to give her a tight hug.
Stef, taken aback by the speed placed her hands on her back and pulled her in but kept her eyes wide, watching Brandon twitch his head back an forth to the door. "Love you too, baby." she replied.
Kasey pulled off and immediately ran upstairs as Brandon edged in for his turn.
More prepared this time, Stef knelt and held him close. She could feel him tremble slightly and looked into his eyes.
"Brandon, are you OK?" She asked softly, glazing his cheek with her thumb. "Did daddy upset you?" She asked. He could see the anger in her eyes with the question. See the rage and he felt a wrench in his stomach. He was scared in the car, but he was even more scared of the shouting and the screaming that they heard less and less. He remembered the threats that they would hear, the cursing and the kicking of stools as Stef warned him to get his act together because she would do whatever was necessary to protect her babies.
"No." He replied, gulping down the truth. "I just don't like saying goodbye to him." He added, in heartwrenching honesty.
Stef bit back her lip and hugged him again with a soft kiss. Kasey blinked back a tear as she lingered at the top of the stairs. Frozen in the helplessness, still feeling buckled in to the seat and watching her dad react. She held back until Brandon was back in his room. He had crawled onto the bed and sat on his pillow, his head firmly in his hands. She wormed her way in, trying to look into his face but his gaze was firmly locked.
Seeing him still not moving she pulled herself up and took a seat in front of him, eventually being rewarded with a look.
"I don't want to tell her either." She offered up. He looked at her hard, his lips turned down in a frown.
They both knew, but they both had to stay the only ones who knew that.
"He'd been drinking, hadn't he." A sixteen year old Kasey asked, leaning against her twin's doorframe. Brandon raised his head a little off the pillow. Seeing Kasey wasn't there for just a fast confirmation he sat up and crossed his legs, indicating she join him.
She walked in slowly and looked around.
"I dunno how you cope with it so dark in here." she commented, looking around but hopping next to him, her legs crossed too at the bottom of the bed.
They sat facing each other but Brandon's eyes were down at his knees.
"I could smell some in his coffee." he admitted.
"Figures." Kasey commented with a sigh. "I thought you looked kinda pissed." it seemed all energy for anger had been obliterated from her system. She now took it with sorrowful resignation.
"I think it's pretty bad, Kase." he added looking back up, his bottom lip firmly bitten down.
"I think if it wasn't before...this will send him over."
She looked up to him and shuffled forward till their knees were touching. She studied his bed sheets with a hard sigh, her chest rising and falling before she focussed on his face.
"Did you ever think we'd be back here again?" she asked looking up to him from a dipped pose.
He frowned his eyebrows down.
"Back with Dad drinking?"
"I dunno." she shrugged. "Back like this. Me and you. What with our family being so big now and us not being able to stand each other an' all." she teased hopelessly, ignoring his earlier comment.
"What and you not making fun of me long enough for me to get a word in edgewise?" he flicked a small smile back, both easily accepting the change in direction.
"I'm just too tired to think of a good enough thing to tease you about." she replied softly as she knocked his knee with hers.
Brandon brought a hand to his head and skimmed the back of his hair, his eyes looking deep into his memories.
"You know I really thought the divorce would be the worst thing we'd have to face." Brandon replied, no longer able to ignore the real issues on their mind.
Kasey nodded gently in solidarity, clearly in agreement.
"I can't believe we came so close to losing her." Brandon quivered, the stress of it pulling on his strength and his lip fluttering. He quickly tried to mask it flashing his hand round to his forehead as Kasey grabbed his knees.
"You'll start me off, B. Don't." she bit back one of her own, her voice falling limp and raspy.
"I thought you wanted something to tease me over?" he laughed desperately as a tear escaped, pulling Kasey's further to the surface.
She squeezed his knees tighter as he rubbed his face.
"We didn't lose her though." she assured him, the sight of her brother breaking being enough to give her the ability to be the one to attempt to supply the optimism.
"We didn't lose her." her voice dropped down to another whisper to try and stop the vulnerability fighting her efforts off. Brandon collected himself and breathed out heavily, his lips pursed.
"And we're not gonna lose Dad either." she added decidedly, her eyes closing firm.
"Mom?" Jesus knocked gently on the door as Lena sat propped up against the headboard. She had dozed off but the sudden noise had pulled her out quickly enough.
"Hey sweetheart, what's up?" she asked softly with a slur but slowly waking herself to reality. She, patted the bed as he walked over and sprung on, propelling himself with a leap.
"I just wanted to say how sorry I was." he said, looking up from the bed.
Lena's head dipped to the side.
"I shouldn't have hid these things from you, I shouldn't have taken the blame for Mariana and I definitely shouldn't have gone round there."
Lena held her arm out, beckoning him under it. He scootched in, her arm snug around his back.
"I know you were just trying to protect her. And your sister."
"I shouldn't have tried to protect her though. She's never tried to protect us." he added rubbing his hair with frustration. "I don't know what I was thinking."
Lena looked down at him, seeing the anguish he'd slipped into.
"You were probably thinking she's still your birth mother. Honey, it's OK for you to have had some...feelings."
He looked round as if she'd exposed his best kept secret. He didn't need to say what he was thinking for her to know how to answer.
"Jesus, I'm not upset that you felt a loyalty to your Mom. It doesn't change how much you love us."
His eyes darted around Lena's face as his leg began to twitch.
She gently caressed it to stillness with her free hand
"You didn't take your pill tonight did you?" she asked softly, a look of realisation flowing over him.
"I completely forgot, what with...I'm not even sure what time it is."
Lena squinted at her phone, she too had lost track.
"I should probably go have it. Mom always says the only tattoo I'm allowed is one that says "Have you taken your pill?" he chuckled quietly with the memory as Lena rubbed his leg. It was one he'd usually shake his head at or roll his eyes bit he felt a warmness in thinking of Stef's chastising tone.
"That's probably a good idea." Lena replied with an affectionate smile. "The...taking it. Not the tattoo." she added lazily, glad to see him keep his smile. "But listen," lists her voice dropped more serious. "If you want to talk about how you felt, you should. You don't have to hide anything from us. It's hiding things that makes things worse." her eyes urged him on. Turning the key in his mind.
"I got really angry." he replied almost immediately, almost to Lena's surprise. "When I saw him, I mean. The boyfriend."
"Like, I really wanted to hurt him...for hurting her."
"Well, he was a bad man." Lena soothed him in return.
"Well yeah." Jesus shrugged. "But to protect Ana? Why wasn't I as angry at her?"
Lena rubbed his arm trying to think of the right answer. She was already physically and emotionally drained but knew this was an important talk for him to have.
"Well, how did you feel when you saw Ana? For the first time again, I mean."
He paused to think it over before finally sighing heavily.
"Sad...mainly. Not for me, but for her."
"Well, you were very small the last time you saw her. You probably never saw how vulnerable she was. She's still someone you're genetically wired to love."
He looked back to his Mom, the endless font of kindness and understanding.
"I guess you're just kinda selfish when you're small. All I could think of was what was gonna happens to us without her."
Lena squinted and tried to hide a shake of her head.
"You..." she squeezed him "don't have a selfish bone in your body, and I doubt you ever did. You just weren't old enough to understand. You're more mature than her now, Jesus. That's not an easy thing to see in someone you once looked to for support, even if it was lacking."
He looked up at her again.
"You just have an instinct to want to protect people - in whatever way you can. You're a lot like Stef in that way. Also why I've resigned to the fact I'll probably spend half my life trying to convince my loved ones to think or ask someone's advice before they do the first thing that comes into their head. That's why it's important not to keep things to yourself. Full disclosure at all times. We should get that tattooed on all of you."
Jesus laughed as his leg began to go again.
"OK, now you really do need to take your pill." Lena rubbed his back, disrupting his chemical balance starting to worry her. He nodded and leaned forward to move before she went through her mental list of other motherly duties. "And can you ask Kasey to make sure she changes her bandage before she goes to sleep."
Jesus' eyes widened at the mention of his sister's name, Lena immediately picking up on it.
"Go on." she beckoned, closing her eyes momentarily. "Full disclosure remember."
"She said to only bring it up if you woke or were worried." He winced. "Promised it was the last time and she will absolutely stay grounded tomorrow."
Lena tipped her head back, blinking out her frustration as it lost out to her lethargy.
"She wanted to make sure her Dad was OK." Jesus added with a shrug. "Said he's the only one without someone to take care of him tonight."
"OK, well thank you. I'll check if she needs picking up later." She shook her head in resignation. She knew it was a battle not even worth trying to fight, nor one she felt she needed to. Seeing Jesus still trying to read the situation, her mouth twitched into half a smile. "Go!" She waved him away before a gentle rub of his arm, pushing him off the bed.
As he left she cast her head back again, brushing her hair with her fingers and letting out a long sigh. There was a strange mix of normality creeping in and against the backdrop of the days she'd just hovered through, it was draining her energy even more. Now all she really needed was sleep.
Kasey sat, once again mulling over the sites of the now too familiar waiting room. She saw her Dad coming out of the hallway to Stef's room.
"What are you doing back?" He asked surprised. He looked so beaten and dishevelled, Kasey couldn't help but cock her head in sympathy. She had spent so much time being angry with him, Callie had been right. There becomes a point where it has to blow itself out. "You wanted to talk to your Mom?"
"If I can" She shrugged. "I more wanted to you know...check on you."
He took the seat next to her and placed his hand on her knee.
"How'd you know I'd still be here?"
Kasey looked hard at him.
"Because none of us want to be alone right now." She shrugged. "As you don't live at ours...well. I thought it was worth a check."
He breathed noisily as he sat back in his chair.
"I'm assuming you've spoken to Brandon. You here to finish off what we started?" He asked folding his arms and looking down to his feet, ready for the inevitable turn of conversation. She could see he had all but given up.
She took a deep breath, mentally checking if she could actually bring herself to say what she was about to.
"If you're wondering whether I'm angry about it..." She paused. "I'm not." He turned to her confused as she realised she couldn't look him in the eye.
"I'm not angry that you had whiskey in your coffee because...well" She looked into the details of her fingernails, her voice straining but determined. "You're an alcoholic, Dad." She said the words as informatively and confidently as she could. Mike's shoulders dipped down.
"I'm not arguing about it anymore. I'm not fighting it anymore. And if that's the case..." She shrugged. "I guess we can't be surprised you have whiskey in your coffee." She said the words with a humourless laugh before finally looking to face him. She could see the hurt in his eyes. The brewing denial which he didn't have the energy to fight. She wasn't confrontational and he wasn't defensive. Neither could play those roles anymore. They both had learned too much about themselves and about each other through the pain staking hours that had unfolded.
This was the way it was.
"Is it OK? No. It's so not OK. I'm so not OK." Kasey added, finally saying the words she had been sitting on. "There's nothing OK about this...but I can't pretend that it's not there. I nearly lost one of the people I love most in the world and I don't want to have to face losing another." Her eyes grew watery but for the first time she was holding the tears back successfully, despite Callie's words ringing in her head. She had to be strong. She didn't care what anyone said about whether this was her responsibility or not, right now her Dad was broken and she may not be able to fix it, but she was sure as hell going to tell him why she needed to try.
"I'm tired Dad." Her voice grew weary as she said the words. "I'm tired of pretending this isn't happening. I'm tired of hiding that it breaks my heart and I'm tired of pretending that every time I see you drink I feel like that 6 year old kid in the back of your car as it spun off the road." She informed him, equally as strong but the energy in her words draining.
"Are you not tired, too?" She asked as her face screwed up into a look of pure confusion. Mike took the words in before looking down to the floor. He rubbed his face in three brisk motions before wrapping Kasey under his arm and pulling her in close. He grappled his other hand to her cheek, pulling her head as close as he could and as if he would never let go. The contact finally pulled out the weaker of the tears she had so far held back in her most successful of her attempts yet.
"I'm sorry, Kasey." He whispered. "I'm so sorry."
They sat in silence for a few moments. The final peace between them saying more than anything their words could.
"There's a meeting." Mike finally broke the silence. "Here, actually. I looked into it."
Kasey nodded with another tear.
"That definitely is OK." She laughed wiping it away.
"It's at 9 so, I may not be able to take you home..."
Kasey looked towards her the door leading to Stef's room. "I think there's someone else I need to say things to...even if I don't want her to hear them." She replied quietly, yearning to offload the last of the emotional baggage she had been accumulating so freely. He turned to her with a look of sympathy but also heavy in guilt. The sadness but pure love in his eyes prickled her body again in places she was surprised the emotions hadn't dried out of yet. She widened her eyes to avert another tear and patted him on the leg "I can wait till you're done. I brought my book. Don't worry."
Mike pulled her in to kiss her head one more time before moving off to his meeting. Taking a few moments Kasey buried her head in her hands. She was overwhelmed with a mixture of relief along with the knowledge that even if this was step one there were still many of the hardest ones to come. She took a deep breath and got up, beginning what she hoped would be the last few steps of her journey lost in the past.
Next Chapter Preview: Kasey shares her innermost thoughts and fears with Stef in the past and the present.
She finally closed her eyes to make the steps forward, taking the seat next to her Mom. She winced as it screeched, not wanting it to stir her. Once she was sure she remained unmoved she quietly began to talk.
"I guess you're pretty mad at me." She remarked, not expecting or wanting a response. She knew that against everything that had happened, her small level of acting up was dwarfed, but it was easier to think about than the bigger events that had transpired.
The silence that followed made it easier for her to continue. She had so much to say but wasn't sure if she wanted to hear the reply.