Naruto slammed the shot glass down hard against the counter, harder than he meant to. His eyes were fixed on his phone, sat in front of him as it had been for the last fifteen minutes. He reached for it again, but only got halfway; once again he sighed, leaning both hands heavily against his kitchen counter, eyes closed.

Why is this so fucking difficult?

It was two days after his last training session with Kakashi, and Naruto had been coming to terms with what he'd just learned: that barely half a year after he'd left Naruto bleeding in the street, Sasuke had been training with one of his teachers. While he was in rehab learning how to use his hand again, Sasuke was getting stronger off the back of Naruto's hard work.

He knew he needed to confront Sasuke about this, otherwise it would drive him mad. But every time he opened up his messages, he found it quite impossible to type anything out. Sasuke had sent him several texts asking to meet up, and Naruto hadn't replied to any of them.

Saturday afternoon, after a morning of moping about and procrastinating, Naruto had placed the phone on his kitchen counter, vowing he wouldn't move until he sent the text. He'd decided a small nip of vodka, liquid courage, couldn't hurt. Now, five shots later on an empty stomach, and Naruto was starting to feel quite drunk.

"God fucking damn it!" He yelled, slamming his fist into the counter, shaking the phone and shot glass. It was childish, but the outburst was cathartic.

He hit the centre button of his phone, making the screen light up. 2pm. It was two in the afternoon and he was well on his way to being drunk.

"Fuck's sake," he sighed, gathering his strength. He pushed the vodka bottle out of arm's reach, trying to remove the temptation for another shot, and picked up the phone.

Like he had a thousand times before, he opened up his messages and clicked on Sasuke's name. He stared at the flashing cursor for a while, unsure of what to say. Resisting the urge to throw the phone away once more, he kept it simple.

'we need to talk.'

He exhaled sharply, dropping the phone. He'd done it. Now he just had to withstand the clenching in his gut until Sasuke replied. He shook his head, grabbing the bottle and shakily pouring himself another shot.

"Last one," he promised himself before throwing it back.

Sasuke replied in record time.

'Good to hear from you. Meet me in Banshee's.'

'time?' Naruto typed back, trying to concentrate.

'Now.'

He double checked his phone in surprise, but it was still 2pm. Then again, he supposed he had no right to judge, given his current state.

"No time to waste I guess," Naruto muttered, grabbing a hoodie and stalking out of the flat.

As soon as the crisp air outside hit him, Naruto knew he'd made a mistake. He was really feeling the effects of those shots, having to take several deep breaths. He had to focus hard on walking. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot…

This is not a good idea. Not a good idea at all.

(╯'□')╯︵ ┻━┻

After what seemed like an eternity, the bus reached Naruto's stop. He had been drifting in and out of concentration the whole journey, having to jerk himself upright and hit the 'stop' button at the last minute. The moving bus not helping his inebriated state, he staggered down the aisle and off into the street. It was only when the bus had rolled off he realised he'd forgotten to thank the driver.

Naruto pulled his hood up, not wanting to be recognised like this. His heart was pounding as he walked the steep path down to Banshee's, a rush of emotions flooded him; he was most acutely aware of anxiety, stomach twisting in knots. Dodging a pile of vomit outside one of the nightclubs – which seemed to reappear every few days with near clockwork regularity – he almost knocked another man over, spinning away at the last minute. Mumbling his apologies, Naruto felt ashamed of the state he was in.

I must look like a fucking junkie…

He stumbled to an abrupt stop outside Banshee's, still surprised it was open so early. Shrugging off his hood, he wandered inside and tried to find Sasuke. As he passed the first bar, a woman cleaning tables looked up.

"Sorry dude, we're closed." She said, continuing as if he wasn't there.

Naruto stumbled over his words, surprised: Sasuke had said now, hadn't he? "But… but I was meeting someone…"

The girl looked up again, brushing a stray lock of blond hair out of her face. "Black hair, miserable? Likes whisky?" She sighed as Naruto nodded, gesturing down a set of stairs. "He's just down there. Dunno why the boss lets him open early just for three people, but there we go. Remind him he has till six."

He descended the stairs, immediately seeing the back of Sasuke's head. He sitting at one of the tables in the corner, the seats designed to look like church pews – for all he knew, they could have been originally. He was with engaged in a quiet, heated debate with another man sitting opposite. Or, at least, heated from one side; from what he could see, Sasuke seemed to be fairly still, the other man looking quite agitated. He was tall, his mid-long spiky hair almost violently ginger.

Naruto wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but couldn't help overhearing the exchange. "I keep telling you, Sasuke, this is not the time to be celebrating. What we did to the Sound Four is going to earn us enemies. And that's not the worst of it. You can't have your cake and eat it, I-"

Naruto could barely hear Sasuke's voice, but it was steel enough to cut the other man off mid-sentence. "I'm not celebrating, Jūgo. If I wasn't doing it here, I'd be doing it at home."

So that's Jūgo, the one that was worried…

Sasuke leaned forward, the pew's high back obscuring him. "I've heard this all before. I've got plans for the rest of them. Trust me or don't." He sat up again suddenly as Naruto approached. "Go back and tell Karin the same. I'm done here."

As Jūgo sighed and made to leave, Sasuke held a glass out to his side, not turning round. "Drink, Naruto?"

Naruto stopped in surprise, still a few paces away. He went to cross the last few feet, a completely different fear suddenly gripping him.

What if Sasuke's hurt again?

That suddenly seemed so much worse than Naruto's grievances. Sasuke's wellbeing had been at back of his mind, suddenly bursting forth just seconds before seeing the man himself.

He cautiously accepted the drink, walking round the table to see Sasuke. He was… fine. As fine as Sasuke could look anyway: he was still unnaturally pale, even for him, the bags under his eyes prominent and heavy. But there weren't any new gashes, cuts, or scrapes. His black eye had even healed up, some slight yellow discolouration still visible around his temple.

For a second, everything else seemed trivial: Sasuke was here, in one piece. But slowly the information that had weighed so heavily on Naruto began to gain mass again, until it felt like it was physically pressing down on his shoulders.

Jūgo grabbed a long, black coat from the pew and threw it over the white shirt he wore, glancing sullenly at Sasuke. As he brushed past Naruto, he whispered into his ear. "Look after him."

Taken slightly aback, Naruto turned to watch him leave. Trying to concentrate, he slipped into the now-vacant seat and took a sip of the whisky; he didn't think he should drink any more, but it seemed impolite not to. There was silence for a few moments.

"How did you know it was me?" Naruto finally decided to ask.

"Your gait," Sasuke replied, looking pleased with himself. Rolling his eyes at Naruto's blank look, he explained. "The way you walk. You shuffle your left foot."

"Ah."

Another pause. Naruto had been topped up with vodka and anger when he'd sent the text, but now he was here the wind had gone out of his sails. Thinking about it, Sasuke always seemed to do that to him.

"You said you needed to talk?" Sasuke helpfully offered, taking a deep drink. His face was displaying its usual stoicism, but he seemed slightly more relaxed. "It's not about that damn couch, is it?"

"No, no. I'm… sorry about that." Naruto said awkwardly, stumbling over his words slightly.

You're on the back foot here and you haven't even started. Go on! Tell him why you're really here.

"Sasuke, I…" Naruto sighed, pausing to take a large gulp of whisky. He was still rather drunk, the fortification more psychosomatic than anything. "I talked to Kakashi."

His expression didn't change. "And?"

"You told me you were training with him before you left. But it was after." Naruto was gaining steam, the alcohol pushing him on. "You fucked up my arm, left all of us worried sick, then what? You get lessons from my teacher while I'm struggling to hold a fucking pencil?"

Naruto's anger was boiling over, coming to the surface. He knew he was almost shouting, but he didn't care. "I thought you'd left. We all did. And you were getting, what, therapy from Kakashi? 'Look at me, I'm Sasuke Uchiha and my life's a fucking train wreck! I can do whatever I like, cause I'm so goddamn sad.'"

He sat there panting, fingers clutched around the squat glass so hard he feared he'd break it. Sasuke was silent, his jaw working slightly behind that calm mask.

Naruto knew he shouldn't have said it: it was one of the thoughts he was most ashamed of, one he'd pushed right back down whenever it floated to the surface. But it was there, at the back of his mind, and now he'd said it.

"Are you done?" Sasuke eventually asked, taking another swig. Without waiting for Naruto to reply, he continued. "I think this is the first time you've been more drunk than me. Certainly this early."

Naruto fiddled with his sleeve awkwardly, not wanting to meet Sasuke's gaze. He looked up after a second or two, surprised to find his eyes sad.

"I'm sorry Naruto."

It hung in the air for a second, thick and heavy. Naruto didn't know what to say. Thankfully, Sasuke continued.

"You're right. It must seem like I'm just… obsessing. And I owe you a lot more than this." He ran a hand through his perfect hair, sighing. "You deserve the whole truth. I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you what happened the night I left."

Naruto's jaw went slack: for three years he'd been going over it again and again, not able to make his peace with it until he knew all the answers. And here he was, on the precipice of knowing, and suddenly he wondered if he wanted to. That night had pushed Sasuke over the edge. Did he really want to know every gory detail?

Sasuke didn't give him a chance to think about it. "I'm only going to ask one thing: I don't want any interruptions. Naruto, I've never had to tell anyone this before. I… I don't know how it's gonna feel."

Naruto steeled his resolve and nodded wordlessly. Then Sasuke began.

(╯'□')╯︵ ┻━┻

"I know everyone at school always wondered why I was… well, why I was this way. I didn't make friends easily. I kept to myself. Did I ever tell you I got counselling? After it happened… my parents, that is." Sasuke snorted, shaking his head. "It was such bullshit. I knew what had happened changed me. Just not the way they thought."

Sasuke finished one whisky, pouring himself another glass. It was a rare thing, ordering a bottle at a bar; Naruto wondered if he'd always planned to tell this story today. He continued. "I wanted only one thing. I wanted to see them dead. The ones that murdered my parents. I kept training, threw myself into it with all I had. And you did the same, Naruto. Funny how it wound up ending, isn't it?"

It was clear from his expression that Sasuke didn't find it funny at all. "On that day they called me into the headmaster's office. He kept asking strange questions, questions about my brother. When I asked what it was about, he'd deflect. I could tell he was hiding something." His eyes snapped from the glass to Naruto. "You remember how the headmaster's office was set up, right? I should think so, you were in there often enough. Computer on the desk, in front of that big window? It was raining that day, very dark. When he got out of his seat, I saw the computer screen reflected on the window."

"'Itachi Uchiha, prime suspect in Uchiha Massacre.'" He threw out his hands, framing the imaginary title, laughing humourlessly. The look in his eyes… it was terrifying. "I didn't hang around. I ran. I went straight home, didn't think he'd be there, but… I wanted to know. I was torn: he was my big brother. He raised me, after our parents… it couldn't be true."

Sasuke's mouth hardened into a thin, grim line, his voice barely above a whisper. "He was waiting for me. The TV was on. The same news report. He knew I'd seen everything, but didn't try and switch it off. He said nothing, just staring at me. It was like looking at an entirely different person. I wasn't looking at my brother any more."

Sasuke swallowed hard, his hand shaking slightly on the glass. "He didn't deny it. He just walked through to his room. I followed, insisting he tell me what was happening. Then I saw it all: a shit-ton of weapons, half-packed. Pistols, knives, even an assault rifle and a fucking shotgun. And he finally answered me. Just… 'It's true. Every word.'

"For the longest time I couldn't process it. I'd been training every day since my parents had died, determined to face their killers…" Sasuke shook his head slowly. "And I was incapable of doing anything. Then the floodwall just… broke. All my rage, all the misery, it overflowed. I attacked him. And he beat me so easily, like he wasn't even trying. He didn't hurt me. He didn't have to."

Sasuke's eyes were far off now, haunting, unblinking. "He threw me down to the floor. Pulled out a gun. I can remember every detail of that moment, Naruto. Every detail. He loads it. Racks the slide. I'll never forget the sound it made as the round was chambered. He puts the muzzle to my head, right here." He tapped the centre of his forehead, eyes not moving an inch. "It was cold. Blunt end digging into my skin. And he just looked down at me like he was bored. Disinterested."

Sasuke finished his drink, closing his eyes for a second. When he opened them again, he seemed calmer. More composed. His hand was steadier as it gently placed the empty glass down on the stained wood.

"Eventually he put the gun down. Says 'you're not even worth killing.' His voice was… clinical. Like he was looking at a fucking specimen. He left me there on the floor, shaking. I could see him through his bedroom door, packing the rest of his things. He was slow, methodical, like he had all the time in the world. I wanted nothing more than to get up, keep fighting, but… my body wouldn't. I was paralysed."

Sasuke finished another whisky, the fastest Naruto had seen him drink.

And that's saying something.

"He came back through, coat on, massive suitcase in tow. You'd never have guessed it was filled with case after case of weapons. He turns to leave, and I finally manage to say something. I tell him I'm going to kill him. And I meant it. He didn't seem to take it seriously. I remember the exact words he said to me."

Sasuke finally looked up at Naruto, his black eyes burning. He could see how much this was hurting him, reliving the moments vividly. They were tortured. "'If you want to kill me, little brother, take every ounce of hate you have. Let it fester. Let it make you strong. Then we'll see.'"

Sasuke slammed another whisky, breaking eye contact. For a while, neither of them said anything. Naruto was trying to process everything.

So this is what he's been sitting on all these years? Holy fuck…

Sasuke, however, wasn't done. "Then he left. I don't know how long I spent there, on the floor, shaking. But when I could finally move again, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to leave. I grabbed anything essential, left the rest. I realised I was still wearing the necklace Itachi gave me, the leaf one. Threw it as hard as I could. Think I broke it."

One more mystery down…

"Then you came."

Naruto felt a chill run down his spine. He knew where this part of the story ended up. But with the additional context, it was more… muddied. Naruto wasn't sure if he was on the right side of things any more.

Sasuke looked away, eyes glued to the table. "It was… confusing. My head was absolute chaos. Itachi, my parents, leaving, it was like a maelstrom. All the thoughts crashed together, rising and falling. But out of everything, one thing rose above it all: 'protect Naruto.'"

Naruto felt a sudden surge of anger, the whisky fanning the flames.

No. That's not how it happened at all.

How dare that bastard try and twist things to suit himself? Naruto was about to say something, but Sasuke interrupted him.

"I know. I didn't do a very good job, did I?" Sasuke laughed, choking halfway through. He was now almost whispering, his voice sounding strange. "I tried, Naruto. I really did. You just kept coming, you didn't stop, and- and I had to keep you out of it. Because I knew if Itachi killed our parents, he wouldn't think twice about killing you."

This stunned Naruto into silence. He had never even considered that.

Sasuke's voice was shaking, his face obscured by the hand on his temples, elbow resting on the table. "I didn't… I didn't think it would happen that way. The only way you'd stop is if I hurt you. I figured a broken arm, a month to heal, it wouldn't be too bad. You'd hate me, but you'd be safe. That was all that mattered. You, Sakura, everyone, you'd all be safe. But…"

Sasuke gulped, pausing. "It went wrong. I… you…" His voice cracked, and he slumped down on the table. It took Naruto several seconds to realise he was crying, silent sobs wracking his body.

Naruto was getting teary himself, hesitantly reaching out a hand and gently took Sasuke's. They didn't say anything, Sasuke gripping his hand tight as he rode out the emotional storm.

Eventually Sasuke raised his head, tears cutting tracks down his face. He rubbed his eyes with one hand, the other not leaving Naruto's. With visible effort, he continued. "You were in so much pain, there was blood everywhere. I sometimes see it when I'm trying to sleep: the bone, the blood running with the rainwater… do you remember what you said?"

Naruto thought hard, but couldn't come up with anything specific. "Honestly, I don't remember much after… well, y'know."

Sasuke nodded. "You were half delirious. But your words stuck with me as much as Itachi's. 'If I can't use my arms, I'll use my legs. If I can't use my legs, I'll use my head. If I can't use my head, I'll stare you down. I'm not just gonna let you leave.'" He let the words hang in the air. "Sound familiar?"

"I don't remember saying it, but it does sound like the sort of dumb shit I'd come out with."

Sasuke smiled for a fraction of a second, more of a twitch than anything. "Be glib if you like, but you've proved that you more than live up to it." He got serious again very quickly. "For a second, I didn't know what to do. What I'd just done, I could feel it. Like a thousand knives in my stomach. I wanted nothing more than to help you, but… but the damage was done. Where I was going, you couldn't follow. And I'd burnt the bridge."

Sasuke looked up again, his expression softening. "At least I thought I had. You're… you're something else, Naruto. You really are."

Naruto laughed gently, still reeling slightly from everything he'd just been told. "Jiraiya once said I'm either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid."

"Maybe a bit of both," Sasuke teased, before suddenly seeming quite shy. "Seriously, Naruto. I don't think I've ever met anyone like you."

Naruto blushed, face flushing as tried to stutter out a thank you. Sasuke chuckled, before his eyes snapped down to their hands, still linked. He relinquished his grip quickly, but reluctantly, his hands sitting awkwardly on the table.

"So now you know everything." Sasuke sighed, sinking back into the high-backed chair, rubbing his face dry. "Jesus, that was exhausting."

"Yeah," Naruto agreed, suddenly feeling very tired; however, it may have been the alcohol. "That must have taken a lot, Sasuke. I… appreciate it. Honestly, not knowing all this time, it's been killing me."

Sasuke rubbed his brow, closing his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Naruto. About that night, about everything. I was so convinced I was doing the right thing. Now look at us: drunk in the middle of the day."

Naruto winced, suddenly aware of how drunk he was. "So," he started, shaking his head very slightly to try and concentrate. "Now that it's all out… how do you feel?"

Sasuke thought for a second, before simply answering. "Tired."

"Still not sleeping well?"

"Not really. Caught a few odd hours, but I've been… well, I've been having nightmares."

Naruto nodded. "Right, here's what we're gonna do: we're gonna finish off these whiskies, then we're gonna go to mine and just fucking sleep."

Sasuke grabbed his half-empty glass, reaching for the bottle to top Naruto up. "That sounds amazing."

Naruto forced himself to smile as he accepted the whisky, but he was starting to feel ill. He figured one more wouldn't hurt.

He was very wrong.

That, coupled with all the tension that had just been released, was all that he'd needed to tip himself from 'very drunk' to 'blackout drunk.' Sasuke looked back at him as they climbed the stairs to the exit, frowning. "You're completely wasted, aren't you?"

Naruto was going to deny it, before realising it was futile. "Mhmm."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and continued out the door. "Come on loser, I'm getting us a taxi."

"No, wait," Naruto tried to catch up with his friend, but the ground seemed less than solid. "Look, I have a bus pass. See?" He proudly pulled it from his wallet and waved it in Sasuke's face.

Sasuke smiled tolerantly at the hand. "That's nice, but I'm paying."

"Noo," Naruto protested weakly, but he didn't have the energy to complain. He just wanted to collapse. And maybe some chips.

It didn't take them long to flag down a cab. They were on the cusp of rush hour, but managed not to get tangled on the congested streets; they were only going a little ways, after all. But the longer the journey went on, the more ill Naruto felt. He said as much to Sasuke, but the other man just patted his knee reassuringly.

After what seemed like a disproportionately long journey, they arrived at Naruto's. Sasuke dealt with the fare, adding what Naruto thought was a very generous tip, and helped his friend up the two floors to his flat.

"How comes we never stay at yours?" Naruto slurred as he fell onto the couch, happily stretching out on the comfy material. Sasuke didn't reply, just got him a glass of water. Naruto refused to take it at first, but Sasuke was extremely patient; it was obvious he had done this sort of thing a lot.

Naruto only got a few sips in before his mouth started feeling strange. Like it was too wet…

Oh no.

Naruto struggled off the sofa, thrashing upright as he felt the viscera rise in his stomach. He just made it to the toilet, his body cramping as he threw up a mixture of whisky and vodka. Groaning, he wiped his mouth and laid his head on the seat, his mouth and throat burning. He heard Sasuke sigh from the other room, before coming to check on him.

Despite the door being open, he still knocked before coming in. After Naruto moaned what could have liberally interpreted as a yes, he wandered in, and sat on the floor next to him. He sat cross-legged, his jacket still on, leaning over to rub Naruto's back.

"You okay?" He asked, smiling empathetically.

"No. Gonna die." Naruto burped, head primed over the toilet again, just in case. When nothing came of it, he drew back and rested his cheek on the cool toilet once more. "How the fuck do you do it?"

Sasuke chuckled, closing his eyes in a long blink. "You've got to have a bit more experience if you're gonna day drink with the best of us. The trick is not to let yourself get sober." He got up briefly to get Naruto's glass. "Here, drink up. Small sips, but I want you to finish it."

Naruto grumbled slightly as he sat up, trying to wash away the taste of vomit. It was like trying to dam a flood with toothpicks.

"Can I get you anything?"

Naruto grinned drunkenly. "I reaaally want chips. Here," he fumbled for money in his pocket, eventually pulling out a crumpled note and thrusting it at Sasuke. "There's a chippy round the corner: Saeed does the best fucking chips."

"Naruto, I'm not getting you chips," Sasuke replied evenly, ignoring the money Naruto was prodding him in the chest with. "You've just thrown up."

"What?" Naruto groaned, dropping the money and slamming his head back down. Maybe a little too hard. He winced. "You're no fun, Sasuke."

"I'm not, no. But I know what I'm doing."

"I'm gonna dieee." Naruto repeated, drawing the word out.

Sasuke smiled, shaking his head. "Trust me, this is tame; you haven't had to deal with a 200lb amateur wrestler in a ket-hole that's convinced he's died and is now a ghost. Seriously, he was convinced he could phase through objects. He'd just punched his way through the toilet door."

Naruto sniggered before retching again, his stomach tensing so hard he got a leg cramp. He was then forced to stretch one leg out behind him while he was on all fours, puking his guts out. Sasuke fell back laughing at the sight, not even the least bit sympathetic.

As soon as his head was out of the toilet, he swatted at his friend, missing by quite a margin. "Shut up." Draining the last of the glass, he presented it to Sasuke. "Okay, nurse, I've finished my water."

Sasuke smirked, raising his eyebrows. "That's a roleplay I haven't done in a while. Who'd have thought that was your fetish, Naruto."

Naruto swore at Sasuke as he grabbed the glass and stood up to refill it. As he did, a small notebook fell out an inside pocket of his jacket, Sasuke not noticing. As it bounced gently off the linoleum, Naruto couldn't help but pick it up to have a look.

I really shouldn't: this could be private shit, he'll be back any minute.

But Naruto heard Sasuke's phone ring as he shut off the tap, and he chose to answer in the kitchen. "What is it? No, I'm not free tonight… well I don't care what Jūgo said, I'm not there anymore…"

Naruto leafed through the compact but thick notebook, picking out a page at random. It seemed to be a journal, this particular entry dated a few months ago. Focusing hard until the words became less blurry, Naruto began reading.

(╯'□')╯︵ ┻━┻

I ended up spending the night at Suigetsu's again. A few drinks down, he told me something pretty… interesting is one word, I guess. Fucked is another.

After the whole debacle with the car, Suigetsu got some pretty harsh punishment. It was one of the few things that Orochimaru hadn't told me. Can't give me a reason to distance myself from the organisation further. I think he can tell I'm drifting from him, almost ready to break out on my own.

My original goal was to tear down Orochimaru: I was to destroy his gang, his labs, his whole lifestyle, and throw him to the sharks. I wanted to watch him get skinned alive. But now I'm wondering if it will be that easy. Orochimaru's a snake, and he can certainly shed his skin. With him having been Akatsuki before they kicked him out, I don't think destroying the organisation will be enough.

To stop him, I might have to kill him. And, frankly, after what Suigetsu told me I want to.

The day after we hooked up, Orochimaru had him jumped: five men, masked. I'd bet my left nut it was the Sound Four. They took him to one of Kabuto's labs. He became the subject of numerous experiments; nonlethal, but extraordinarily painful. Kept him there for about a month before releasing him back into the workforce again with a threat: further disobedience would cost him his life. He told me it was just a matter of time before either he or I kill Orochimaru, and he was determined to get there first.

And as much as I wish I could leave it to him, I don't know if he's got what it takes. Don't get me wrong, Suigetsu's a cold-hearted killer. But Orochimaru's surrounded by security almost constantly. The only ones that get to see him alone are Kabuto and I. Not to mention that he's proficient in firearms and hand-to-hand combat: I should know, he had me spar with him regularly, and he taught me everything I know about guns.

I never wanted to kill anyone, save for one. I followed Itachi's training so I would never be a victim again; so that I could find the ones that had killed my parents; so that I could once and for all protect those close to me. After I found out what Itachi was, that goal turned into revenge. I lived for it, breathed for it, and nothing else mattered.

I still live for the day I wrap my hands around his bastard throat. And initially, destroying Orochimaru would just be a means to an end: he wouldn't let his best man go without a fight. But now I find myself in the position where I can help other people and genuinely make a difference. I can kill one of the cancers that plague this city, so long as I abandon the only moral I've stayed true to this whole time.

I need to think about this more.

I bought a cheap notebook so I could scrawl any errant thoughts down and transfer them to my journal later. Suigetsu's sleeping now, but I couldn't settle down after he told me what he'd been through. Looking at him now, he seems so innocent: the snarky grin is gone, his face half buried in the pillow as he snores quite happily.

He's tangled himself in the thin sheet that we've taken to using when it gets too warm. Stops right at his waist: even in his sleep he's a teasing fuck. On his stomach, arms thrown above his shoulders and under his head. Reminds me why I keep coming back for this. The position perfectly accentuates his swimmer's form, both arm and back muscles thrown into sharp relief by his naturally skinny frame. His back slowly expanded and contracted, Suigetsu's deep breathing shifting his visible ribs. I could just see his hips, looking like they were carved out of fucking iron; if I flipped him over I knew his chiselled obliques would form the perfect 'V' shape that many coveted. And I had it all to myself. For tonight anyway.

Jūgo said to write about what was on my mind: at this particular moment, it seems to be fucking the ever-loving hell out of Suigetsu.

After writing that little description I spent some time just admiring the form in front of me. I considered waking him up again, the display he was unintentionally giving having quite the effect on me. My appetite is, after all, insatiable. I could get the sheet down his legs without waking him, past that firm, toned ass. I could see how long it took him to wake up under my ministrations, my hands, my tongue, then…

As excited as the thought made me, I decided against it; It would be a shame to ruin what I understand is one of the few peaceful nights he's had since Orochimaru's experiments.

My thoughts soured as they turned to that once more. It has become apparent that I had developed quite an attachment to Suigetsu, he and Jūgo being one of the few I could count as friends by this point. It won't go beyond this: as outwardly attractive as I find him, Suigetsu unnerves me. He's remorseless. I suppose that scares me the most because I can imagine myself turning into that if I'm not careful.

My hair's full of sweat. I think I might take a cold shower and try getting some sleep.

(╯'□')╯︵ ┻━┻

Naruto stared, stunned, at the page for a second or two longer. This wasn't what he had expected at all. He tried to focus on what he'd said before, something about Orochimaru, but he found himself fixated on Sasuke's description of Suigetsu. He kept reading it over again, thoughts of the two of them rising unbidden in his mind…

He needed to keep reading. He hurriedly turned the next page, the date somehow familiar to him. It didn't take him long to realise why.

(╯'□')╯︵ ┻━┻

It finally happened. I was caught for so long between hoping it never did and praying it for it, at least once.

I saw Naruto for the first time in three years.

I was out, drinking after a job, when some meatheads next to me decide they're gonna start arm-wrestling at the bar. That sort of machismo bullshit is annoying enough, but they managed to spill my drink. I demanded they replace it; they didn't feel like honouring that. By this point security was on its way over, the three of them trying to get in my face. I wasn't in the mood for a fight that night: I've been trying to quit this habit cold turkey, even though the last month hasn't been going too well. I was perfectly content to let the bouncers take care of it.

But I really hate the word faggot.

My tolerance for bigots is always at its lowest when I drink. So I decide to teach them a sorely needed lesson, something they won't ever forget. When we walk outside though, I begin to feel the craving hit me again: the thirst for pain, for that righteous self-loathing to be satisfied once more.

I was weak. I gave in.

So I let them have their fun, savouring the hurt. I couldn't help it. In moments of lucidity I know that it's wrong: it's just an elaborate method of self-harm. Only difference is I'm far too proud to put a knife to skin myself. But it just feels like the right thing. Like I deserve punishment.

So when I'm at the very edge, I finally start fighting back. I put my all into it. And I break them. I bask in it, in their fear and their reverence. All bow at the altar of your messiah, your judge, and pray that I don't take your life.

I'm out of control. And I love every second.

But tonight was different. He shows up out of the blue to "rescue" me. He can't have seen it was me from where he was: he must have thought he was helping some stranger.

That was always like Naruto though. He'd help anyone that asked, no matter the consequences. And those that didn't ask for it too.

His form wasn't too bad, considering it looked like he'd had quite a few drinks by this point. He separated me from the choke-hold the blond one had me in and finished them both off pretty quickly. Forgot about the one behind him, though: situational awareness never was Naruto's thing. So this guy, big dude, manages to punch Naruto in the head. I was pretty worried, until I remembered his capacity for punishment. He had taken a lot worse than that.

Hell, I had put him through a lot worse than that.

I decided then was probably the time to intervene: I broke the big guy's arm, and sent them the fuck out of there. I normally would have taken the time to exact a bit more pain from them, but being in front of Naruto made it all seem wrong somehow.

It took him a second to realise it was me, but he had just taken a pretty big knock to the head. I wanted nothing more than to help him up, and tell him how good it was to see him. I wanted to apologise for everything that had happened. But I had to force myself to stay aloof, stay distant: I'd spent far too long building this facade to have it fall down around my head now.

I lit a cigarette, trying desperately to stop my hands from shaking. Naruto was as shocked to see me as I was him, but he'd always worn his heart on his sleeve. First thing he tried to do was stop me bleeding. I hadn't even noticed I'd been cut. It was exactly the sort of care he'd always shown.

I could see that the years had done nothing to dampen Naruto's kindness. Despite all I did to dissuade him from this course, he just ignored my efforts. It made me both happy and sad.

I had to leave, to get out of there: I couldn't let my life put Naruto's in danger. I belonged to a different world now, one of unspeakable violence, a path I can only walk because I've abandoned my humanity.

But Naruto reeled me back in. He asked me to go for a drink with him. My mind told me no, but every fibre of my body told me yes.

As I said before, I'm weak.

Naruto was maybe slightly taller, and he'd definitely filled out more. Even though he was wearing baggy clothes I found myself undressing him with my eyes, wondering just how much he'd filled out. It wasn't the only time I caught myself doing it that night.

As we made our way to a bar he fell in step beside me, doing that thing with his hands behind his head. I'd almost forgotten he did that: I told him he looked like an idiot, which wasn't a lie, but it was rather endearing. In response he asked about the suit, told me I looked like a gangster. Although I didn't find it particularly amusing at the time, I can't say it wasn't accurate.

The chosen bar was a particular favourite of mine: the music was good, the people kind and the drinks cheap. It was the kind of place you went to avoid the sort of scum you usually find at other pubs and clubs. I came here when I wanted to just relax and enjoy a night, maybe pick someone up if we hit it off.

It was busy, but where wasn't on a Friday night? I almost held the door open for Naruto before remembering I had a role to play, letting it swing back on him. It was difficult, pretending I didn't care. But I've a lot of time to practice.

He seemed to find the clientele… interesting. It might have been the first proper rock bar he'd been to, the way he stared at some of them. We get to the bar, order drinks. He was so nervous. It was pretty cute. I almost told him how I felt then and there, but-

(╯'□')╯︵ ┻━┻

"What the hell are you doing?"

Naruto jumped, dropping the notebook. He hadn't even heard Sasuke finish his phone call, much less come back through. He had been completely absorbed by his journal.

His face shut down into that impassive mask as he squatted down and picked the notebook up, stuffing it back into his jacket. "That's personal, Naruto. How much did you read?"

Naruto squirmed, feeling like he was kid again. "Not- not much. Just…" He paused, his drunk brain trying to construct a solution. "Just the night we met up again. The bit saying how much you… missed me."

Sasuke sighed, looking at the floor, offering Naruto the glass of water. "Don't do that again, Naruto. I mean it." But when he looked up his features had softened slightly.

"I'm sorry." Naruto dutifully took a sip of water, and neither of them knew what to say. "You write well. You should write a book."

Sasuke smiled a little. "Thanks. But this is just for me. Lets me get things out of my head, onto paper."

"Well if you ever want a gig, I know a guy," Naruto grinned. "Jiraiya would snap that shit up, bet you anything."

"I'll think about it," Sasuke said, in a tone which suggested he would do no such thing. "Now come on, brush your teeth and we'll get some sleep."

Naruto nodded emphatically, managing to peel himself off the bathroom floor. He tottered through to the bedroom, pausing only to grab a bucket, just in case. He crawled slowly into bed, awkwardly kicking off his jeans as Sasuke stripped off in the background. The journal entries worried him, but he was beginning to forget why, losing the details as they slipped through his fingers like a half-remembered dream.

I'll worry about it in the morning. Till then…

And he was out like a light.

(╯'□')╯︵ ┻━┻

Naruto screwed his eyes up as he began the long climb back to consciousness. This was starting to become too familiar, he thought groggily as he slowly opened his eyes. He was in the bed, alone. Hadn't Sasuke stayed the night? They'd come back from Banshee's, and there was something about a notebook…

He wasn't sure what had woken him at first, but soon the smell of cooking wafted into the room, something sweet. Sitting up slowly, he was surprised to find he wasn't feeling too bad. He could tell he was dehydrated, his tongue like tarmac, but someone had left a glass of water on the bedside table. He grabbed it, fingers slippery on the beads of condensation, taking long, greedy gulps. It didn't quite feel right – the inside of his mouth felt very acidic for whatever reason – but it was a start.

Carefully, he got to his feet, throwing on a dressing gown and padding through to the kitchen. Sasuke was at the stove, wearing only his trousers, slowly pouring some kind of batter on a sizzling pan. It because obvious it was pancakes; partly by the smell, but mostly by the big stack of them on a plate next to him.

Sasuke grinned as he entered, eyes not leaving the pan. "Morning dude. How're you feeling?"

"Oh shit, we got the naked chef up in here," Naruto replied with a yawn, Sasuke's (lack of) attire not bothering him: he was probably just out the shower. "Honestly, I'm not terrible. Although I can't remember shit."

"Doesn't surprise me, you were blackout drunk." Sasuke frowned slightly as he concentrated on the pan in front of him, going at the edges with a spatula. "I don't have to go through everything again, do I? About Itachi, I mean. That was emotionally exhausting enough the once. Don't wanna have to do it again."

Naruto took a seat, trying to dredge up some memories. "No, I remember that. I… I had no idea it was that bad. I'm sorry." There was a slightly awkward pause. "It's after the bar I don't remember. We came home, and…"

"And you immediately threw up."

"Ah."

"Yeah," Sasuke grinned, delicately flipping the pancake. "Might explain why you aren't dying, actually. Got it all out of your system."

Naruto grunted an affirmation, sitting down at the counter. "Need a hand?"

"I'm almost done," Sasuke said over his shoulder. "You had just enough stuff for pancakes."

"I did?" Naruto asked, shrugging. "I usually buy the pre-mixed stuff."

"Fucking heathen."

Naruto smiled gently, rubbing his forehead. While Sasuke finished up breakfast, Naruto strained his mind for details. He vaguely remembered being in the bathroom. Sasuke dropped a notebook… like a journal or something. But the details were unclear. Something about it had bothered him, something big. But try as he might, he couldn't bring it past that point.

Sasuke slid a plate of pancakes in front of him, searching around for cutlery before Naruto pointed out the right drawer. Thanking him for the meal, Naruto dug in: this is just what he needed.

"So you really don't remember anything?" Sasuke asked between mouthfuls, slow and methodical as ever. He looked up for a second, but when Naruto met his eyes they returned to the plate.

"No," Naruto replied truthfully. "I remember being in the bathroom, but not much more than that."

Sasuke nodded, apparently satisfied. "Makes sense. When you get that drunk, your brain isn't actually 'recording', as it were."

It didn't take long for Naruto to finish up, leaning back with a sigh. "Dude, thank you. That was so good."

Sasuke waved it off, his mouth full. "I'll teach you sometime." He said after he'd swallowed. "Looks like you need to know how to cook some proper food."

Naruto nodded, absent-mindedly checking his phone: his texts had blown up since last night, and a few missed calls too. He must have slept through them all. Sifting through them, he found a culprit: Hinata.

He went back to the start of their conversation from last night, one he couldn't remember.

'Hey Naruto, how's it going?'

'heeey! It's gooood, dude! Out with Sasukee :)'

Naruto cringed, looking back over his drunk texting: this had been at 4 in the afternoon.

'With Sasuke? Be careful, okay? Text me when you're home.'

'will do'

This was followed by a complete lack of communication on Naruto's part. And that was followed by messages from Hinata, more and more urgent, her usual punctuation and grammar going out the window. Several missed calls came next. He felt like a total ass as he scrolled through them, hastily typing a reply and letting her know he was okay.

But she wasn't the only one: going out of that chat he discovered Sakura had also been trying to reach him.

'You there, Naruto? Hinata says she's worried about you. Let me know you're good.'

Several missed calls later, and she wasn't as friendly.

'where the hell are you, jackass? We're really worried. Call one of us. Now.'

Writing a similar response to her too, Naruto sighed and put down the phone, feeling bad that he'd worried his friends. He needed to be more careful next time, especially with Hinata: now she knew about Sasuke she'd been worrying constantly. Since the movie night she'd been texting him with increasing frequency, checking up on him more than usual.

"You okay?" Sasuke asked quietly, taking his plate.

"Cheers," Naruto quickly replied, not wanting to ignore his friend's actions. "Yeah, I'm good, just… worried someone is all."

"Can't imagine what that's like," Sasuke said dryly over his shoulder, depositing the plates in the sink.

Naruto half-smiled, getting up to shoo his friend away from the sink. "You're not doing the washing up today. I mean it, Sasuke."

He raised his hands and walked away, smiling wryly. "Yes sir."

Sasuke disappeared into the bedroom as Naruto washed up, coming out in his shirt and jacket. Disappointed, Naruto shot a glance at him as he put the frying pan up to dry. "Leaving so soon?"

Sasuke chucked, checking his watch. "Naruto, it's almost eight: I'm late enough as it is."

Naruto suddenly felt bad as he was drying his hands. "Aw sorry man, I didn't mean to make you late."

"Hey, had to make sure you were at least half alive when I left. And you were right, the last time: they can manage okay without me for a few hours" Sasuke grinned, pausing to check his inside pocket for something. "Besides, you made me breakfast last time: it's only right I do it today."

"Fair enough," Naruto conceded, letting his friend out. "Stay in touch, yeah?"

"Always," Sasuke replied with a half-smile, before setting off down the stairs at his usual slow pace.

Naruto shut his door, jumping slightly as his phone buzzed with a message. It was Sakura.

'Thank fuck for that. Arsehole. There was something Hinata said last night, it's worrying me. Call me when you can. We need to talk.'