Just two quick notes before this chapter.
First, hopefully, the next few chapters will begin triggering some more comments. However, in commenting, please consider spoilers. There are some upcoming twists and turns that I would hope people don't give away.
Second, in response to the review from "frustrated," it always is a shame to lose a reader, particularly one who has invested so much time in this story. It is not the intent of the story to "regress" and "distort" the characters in "the most negative way possible." The goal is to try to portray these characters as real people, with flaws, who are struggling with very difficult circumstances. Sometimes they do the right thing. Sometimes they do the wrong thing, albeit usually with the belief they are doing the right thing. They take steps forward and then steps back. And sometimes things get worse before they get better - or something happens to make a character realize his or her mistake. We obviously see the show's canon as it relates to the characters quite differently, but I recognize there is room for disagreement. In any event, thank you for giving the story a shot. I'm sorry that you are giving up.
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Last night was a mistake.
Shane repeated those words silently as he stared out over the river. The problem was that the more he said them to himself, the less certain he became.
He had thought coming over to the pier would clear his head, but it was just causing his mind to spin even more. He almost wished some of the dock-workers would hassle him like they had the other day, so he had a distraction. However, the few he had seen had given him a wide berth. Now, the sun was setting and most of the men had long since left the area.
"She must really love you a lot. . . ."
Mickey's words echoed in his ears. Shane knew Kim loved him, but what did that really mean with everything they were facing? Even if he pled guilty, could she really wait three years for him?
Kim had accused him that morning of doubting she could stay faithful. As much as he tried to deny it, the doubt was there - deep down. He knew Kim. She had always needed a man. Look at how quickly she hooked up with Cal.
"Stop it," he told himself. "You promised to put Cal behind you."
He had, and he was trying. But his focus was not on Cal really, but on Kim. Shane knew her past; she had spent a lifetime feeling that she needed a man in her life to have any self-worth. That was one of the scars Kim's uncle had left with her.
Could she really wait? Or would time and an uncertain future prove too much of an obstacle?
And even if they overcame his time in prison, what would that future be like? Shane had not been kidding when he told her that they would probably be shunned if they returned to England. Could Kim really live a life like that?
"I don't care what anybody thinks." That was what she had said. But was it true?
Shane looked out at the darkening harbor and asked, "Why can't I let myself trust her?"
He knew the answer. It went back to the very beginning of their relationship, when they had each kept running into the other's walls. His mind flashed to when he nearly left Salem for that job in Stockholm. He had tried to get Kim to beg him to stay, but she had refused. She accused him of running away and, then, she had pretty much summed him up:
"You're not afraid of guns, or terrorists, or even of getting yourself killed. But you are so afraid of a commitment."
That really was what it all boiled down to, wasn't it?
Shane pulled his coat tight as he was blasted by some frigid air off the water. No wonder the dock-workers had left. Until that moment, he had barely noticed the cold.
Kim was right. Shane was afraid of committing. He was afraid of committing and then having everything fall apart again. Like he had told her, he could not spend years in prison clinging to some hope of what they might have, only to have her walk away.
But what will you have otherwise? The same prison sentence, but no hope at all. Was that somehow better? Wasn't he saying it would be better to lose all hope just to avoid the possibility of being hurt?
"You're a bloody coward, Shane Donovan," he muttered under his breath.
Kim was so right. Look at him. He had rushed off to Egypt with a bunch of Green Berets and had nearly gotten himself killed. Why? Because he wanted Kayla and Stephanie to be happy again. But when it came to his own happiness - or Kim's and Andrew's - he would not even risk the chance of being hurt.
He was a coward. He was afraid of what Kim could do to him. He thought about the night before and how, as they made love, he had felt like she could see through him. Just the way she looked at him had laid bare his entire being. It was exhilarating. It was terrifying.
But if their love failed again. . . .
A foghorn blew in the distance, interrupting Shane's train of thought. He glanced around the still-empty pier and sighed.
After three years in prison, they would return to Donovan Manor. Simmons would stick with them; his ties to the Donovan family would survive anything. But other than that? Shane doubted his old friends would sully their reputations by associating with a traitor.
Or are you more concerned about your own reputation? Like you'd have any reputation no matter what happens.
Shane stared out into the darkness and asked himself why he was so hung up about pleading guilty. He had been telling himself it was for Andrew, so that his son did not have to live with the stigma of being a traitor's son. It was stupid, really. All Andrew wanted was his father. Besides, it was not like being a murderer's son carried no stigma.
Let's face it. You're the only one who sees a difference.
Like Mickey said, only a spy would find murder a lesser crime than treason. He laughed at how absurd the thought even was. Or maybe there was more to it. Maybe he was clinging to his own hope of a sort - that if he did not confess, that if he maintained his innocence, someone might see the truth. Yeah, he thought, shaking his head at the absurdity of the thought. That's just a pipe dream.
He suddenly remembered Andrew asking why Shane did not tell government the law was wrong. How had he responded? That if you believe you're doing the right thing and the law says otherwise, you have to accept the consequences.
Ever since the arrest, he had told people he was doing just that. He had made the decision to rescue Steve and he would not let anyone take the fall for him. He still felt strongly about that, but maybe he also had to accept that law was not on his side. On some of the minor charges, he probably was guilty.
Maybe it's time to accept that.
Three years. It was a generous deal and then he would be free. Shane tried to picture life in England. Andrew would be eight by then, still with some of his childhood remaining. Shane would have a lot to make up for; he had already missed a year-and-a-half of Andrew's life between Andrew's kidnapping, Shane's capture by Jericho, and Shane's subsequent amnesia. By the time he got out of prison, he would have missed more than half of Andrew's life. Still, that would be better than missing it entirely. He would still have some time to be a father to his son; he and Kim could at least try to make a life together with Andrew.
And with Jeannie.
She would be there too, of course. How would he handle that? He had pledged to put Cal behind him, and Shane knew Jeannie was not at fault for who her father was. Jeannie was just a beautiful little girl and Kim's daughter.
But not yours.
That did not have to matter. Shane reminded himself that he had let Stephanie steal his heart, and she was not his daughter. He had been willing to accept Andrew when he believed the boy was Victor's son. There was no real reason he could not do the same for Jeannie.
Shane pulled his coat tight again as another blast of cold air hit him. Earlier that morning, he had told Kim there was no chance for them. He had been so afraid of what the night before had meant, so terrified of being hurt again. It was like Kim had said so long ago; he had tried to run away.
It's time to stop running, he told himself. It's time to stop and fight for what you really want.
There was a pay-phone across the pier. Shane walked over to it, picked up the receiver, and dialed. Shane's heart was racing as the phone rang a couple of times. Then, he heard Mickey's voice on the other of the line. Shane took a deep breath before he spoke.
"Mickey, it's Shane. I've made a decision. . . . I want to plead guilty."