Kensi felt emotional. She took a deep breath, she wiped her tears as they still fell. "Do you ever wonder what would have happened had I not been sent to Afghanistan."
Deeks paused for a moment. The thought hadn't really crossed his mind recently. "Maybe when you first left. Kens, I guess I still have a secret too,"
She looked at him puzzled.
"I don't think I ever told you That I blame myself for you going to Afghanistan."
"Deeks, that's ridiculous."
"Is it? I couldn't come to terms with my feelings and I'm pretty Hetty knew we needed time apart before one of us got hurt or even worse killed being reckless with our job, and our hearts."
"I was careless too, charging into the building where you were, without clearing it with Sam and Callen first. I almost got us all Killed. All I could think about was you in danger, losing you forever. Never feeling you close to me, never holding you, never kissing you again."
"Fine, we were both careless and reckless with our feelings, but I still think of I would have admitted to you and not kept playing games, she wouldn't have made you go."
"She still would have Deeks. Hetty knew I wouldn't kill Jack."
"Maybe," he huffed.
She sighed deeply. She was more hesitant to tell him her secret after that revelation. "You're making what I have to tell you harder. You have to know none of this was your fault."
He ran his hands through his hair. She grabbed his hands and held them tight. "I love you,so much, I hope you know that."
"I do. And I love you. I'm sorry, for everything."
"I'm sorry for not telling you this all sooner."
"Baby, you're freaking me out with this. Can you please just tell me."
"Ya know, I had every intention of telling you the night we arrested Paul Angelo and then the stupid three hearts thing he told us and you pulled away. I knew you were as scared as I was."
"I guess you getting sent away set us back, huh. The way I tortured that old man to find you, I knew then, there would be nothing I wouldn't do to protect you. Even if it got me on the other side of the table, and Angelo's word, well they reminded me of that."
"We ultimately got where we were supposed to be," she tried being positive, but shrugged in the process.
He kissed her forehead, "I guess we did."
She took in a deep bout of air and blew it out. "When we flew home from Afghanistan, I had to have a full medical work up, check to make sure I wasn't bleeding internally, everything, I had to heal, talk to Nate, etc." she began to tear again.
He hated seeing her so distraught. "Baby, we don't have to do this. Whatever it is I don't need to know. I don't wanna know if it's gonna cause you this much pain."
"I found something out, something you had the right to know. I can't keep it to myself. It's not fair to you. There were so many times I almost told you, I just couldn't find the words. I figured it was better if you never knew. It could never hurt you they way I was hurting, they way I still hurt."
"Kensi, What did they find? What was or is wrong with you?" He was more concerned now.
"Deeks, I was pregnant. I was pregnant with our baby. They killed our baby. Our baby, we made growing inside me, that I didn't even know about. That I didn't take care of. That I didn't protect. The night we made love for the first time. The night neither one of us could hold back our feelings anymore, I think about all the what if's." She just kept spewing out words that she had held in side for the last two years. "The trauma from the beatings I took was too much," she broke into sobs again. She couldn't stop rambling while she was crying. The flood gates of words opened and there was no way to stop them at this point. "The doctors at home had to do a procedure, that's part of the reason it took me almost a month to return to work. I couldn't make myself tell you. I didn't even talk to Nate about it. No one knew. You were busy with cases, I told you I was fine the few times we texted. I wasn't. I'm sorry, I can't say it enough."
He stared at her. He was at a loss. Part of him wanted to hold her. Part of him wanted to be alone. Part of him wanted to cry. Part of him felt nothing but numbness.
"Deeks, say something," she cried harder.
He couldn't find words, only tears forming that he fought so hard to keep in, which in turn made her cry more.
Finally he spoke , "A ba, baby? Our baby?" The words didn't register completely in his brain even though he was speaking them.
"The night you asked me on a date without actually asking me on a date. We came back here and we were so careless, another example of recklessness from avoiding our feelings for so long, but I didn't care, you didn't care, we just wanted each other, we needed each other."
"I'm not blaming you, Kens. I wish you would have let me help you through it. We could have mourned together," he shrugged with pain in his eyes.
"I honestly had no idea. I can't believe I didn't. A great mom I would have made Huh," she shook her head sobbing more.
"Kens, don't say that. You weren't in a normal situation."
She continued on, "When the doctors told me, I was shocked. I was probably around 11 weeks they said. I hadn't been taking the pill for a few years, my love life wasn't exactly existent, my women phase, as you call it, had been irregular due to our intense jobs, I never expected that night to happen between us. And when it was happening, I was more worried about what would happen with our partnership to think about anything else and then my feelings took over and we let that night happen. I don't regret it one bit, what I regret is not having time to know we made a baby that night. I wish I wouldn't have gone to Afghanistan the next day, I wish I wouldn't have went off alone chasing my own ghost."
"Why did you go off alone?"
She looked at him, her eyes full of regret. "I had to know, if it was really Jack."
Deeks knew that was why without her saying, but he wanted her to confirm. He didn't even know why it mattered. Deeks knew it was himself she loved, he knew he had been the only man she could see herself with since the day they met, even if it took years to come out. He knew she had walls that he was the only one to break through them.
"If I hadn't," she looked down desperate to relive the past and change her decisions. "It was bad, really bad," she reiterated her words to him. "They beat me, kicked me, threw me against walls," he didn't want to see the terror in her eyes any longer.
"You didn't know, how could you have. You didn't know any of it," he interrupted her. "You were shipped out to another country the day after we made love. Please don't blame yourself."
"I was never really sick at all, a few time I felt dizzy, but I assumed it was all the stress, everything about being gone. I never thought being pregnant was a possibility at that point. I'm just so sorry. There's nothing else I can say." She continued to weep.
"I'm sorry, so sorry too. Everything, I caused all of this. I need some air," he wanted to stay, but he needed to be alone for a bit. She looked at him eyes with tears, heart broken. "I'm not leaving you baby, I promise. I just need some time to process."
She nodded knowing he was putting the blame on himself. Figuring what he should have or could have done to prevent this. "You didn't cause any of this, Deeks. You didn't beat me or make me follow a ghost. You're not to blame."
Deeks stood up without responding to her, "walk boy?" He called for Monty. The pup stayed put. Deeks shook his head slightly. Kensi wrapped her arms around the dog and laid their in sadness.
He thought he probably should have stayed and talked to her more. She was finally opening up about what she experienced, but the air in his chest was so hard to intake. He put on his shoes and drove to the beach. His place of solitude.
He sat and stared out into the ocean. The tears he was fighting so hard to keep from flowing, began to pour. As he looked out into the darkness listening to the waves, he pictured him and Kensi with a little toddler running in front of them on the beach. His heart broke a little. His whole thoughts from the morning completely flipped flopped. He thought about if they would have had a boy or a girl. If he or she would have her eyes and his hair. A perfect mixture of the two of them. Brave yet funny, strong and stubborn, all the things he loved about her wrapped in a perfect bundle. So, many new emotions ran through his soul. He realized in a flash of a second, he wanted to be a father. He would make damn sure he was a good one. One he never had. He wondered about Ray and his girlfriend and their baby. The baby that would be almost five by now. He remembered how Ray risked his life to make sure his girlfriend and their child were safe. Deeks wished he would have had the chance to do the same thing. He would have traded himself for Kensi and their baby in a heartbeat. He knew the pain he felt was the main reason she didn't tell him. There was nothing he could do, even back then there would have been nothing he could have done. He was happy where they were in their relationship now, but now he was determined to make the past, the future with a better ending. An ending with him and his wife the parents of a beautiful child. Not one to replace the one they lost, but one to make their hearts whole.
Kensi, on the other hand, mourned her lost baby differently. Kensi feared feeling that pain again. Her feelings flip flopped as well. Now instead of having the urge to have a baby, she feared hurting him the way she just did again. She still wanted to have a family with him, but now wanted to make sure she was ready to quit her job. Make sure there would be no terrorist to capture her and murder a growing baby inside of her. She was afraid to lose another child. Her emotions were everywhere. She hoped they could heal together along the road. She loved him so much. She cried herself to sleep and she lay with Monty on the bed.
He returned home longing for her touch. He felt awful that he left her, he just wanted time to think on his own. He hated seeing her hurt and instead of embracing the news and dealing with it, looking at her sad eyes, he would have just broke. When he opened the door, Monty's head perked up.
"Hi," he quietly whispered.
She turned her head to look at him. The stains of tears still existed though her eyes were dry now. "Hi."
"How are you doing?"
"I love that you are worried about me after everything."
"I love you, Kens. But we have something we need to do together. Maybe it will help us heal."
She nodded, trusting her boyfriend with everything.