"Hellwoe doggy!" Baby Papyrus smiled and waved to the three-headed dog, Cerberus. The baby bones had fallen a long way down, but luckily he had his wingdings to help him cling to the wall so he wouldn't fall into the water...or onto the rocks.
He was such a smart baby.
"BAY-BEEE! LOOK OVER HERE BABY!"
"Nyeh?" Papyrus turned his head to see Blood Blocks and Bad Seed huddled in the crook of a rock. Blood Blocks was waving to him, eyeing the sleeping dog warily.
Curious, Baby Papyrus crawled towards the two. He hadn't seen them in a long time.
"Why you not visit da' baby no more?"
"Why YOU no visit?" asked Bad Seed frowning at Papyrus. She remembered this bad baby...he ate her crayons and pushed her out of her crib! She still hadn't forgiven the little Horror, and she made it a point to remind everyone what he did whenever he came to visit them. "Dis a bad baby over here! He eat-ed my crayow-ns!" exclaimed Bad Seed for the hundredth time.
"Babies don't know no better, sissy. They always eat the crayow-ns..."
"They were deleecious."
"EERRRRRRNNN!"
Papyrus grinned as the baby girl whined, he didn't know why she was always accusing him of eating her crayons, but he had long since stopped asking about it. Right now, he was interested in what she could do, rather than what her complaints were. He had already heard about Bad Seed, she grew plants that ate people...could one eat the doggy in their way?
"You plants a seed to eat da' doggy?"
"I could, but I doesn't want to get eat-ed for it get's big..." said Bad Seed. She also didn't want to help Papyrus. Bad babies deserved to get eaten.
"I can distract da' pooch! I's a brave bae!" Papyrus crawled over to the sleeping dog and pet its nose before the baby bones could respond.
One of Cerberus's heads opened a lazy eye and yawned loudly.
"Ewww! You gots dat doody breath! Snas was right, you licks da' doody!"
The giant three-headed dog opened the rest of its eyes and picked the baby bones up by his orange feet pajamas. "NOOOO! SAVE DA' BABY!" screamed Papyrus kicking his little legs in the air.
"HEE HEE HEE HEE!" Bad Seed laughed as the giant dog carried him away.
"NOOO! DAT'S MAH BABY!" yelled Blood Blocks running after them. Baby Papyrus wasn't REALLY their baby, but if they were gonna be the best parent ever, they needed to practice taking care of ALL of the babies...
Bad Seed waddled after her brother. "Don't weave me!" she cried, carrying her chew-scarf and struggling to keep up.
Luckily the dog heard them and turned around before getting into the water, kneeling down it used its other two heads to pick the babies up and soon it was off, doggy paddling to Elysium, the place where all babies, heroes, and children went when they died.
"Ooooooooh!" cried the three baby bones looking into the water with awe. There were pretty glowey people in there! They drifted with the river's current and Baby Papyrus noticed that there were actually FOUR rivers; each leading into the one giant river they were on and the expressions on the glowey people's faces were different in every one.
The first river was made entirely of fire, he couldn't see in it because it was so far away and the flames were too bright, but it led down another waterfall. He had a bad feeling about THAT river and was happy that Doody-Breath was swimming far away from it. This doggy was smarter than other doggies thankfully.
Another river was strangely empty. The mist that seemed to encompass the entirety of the area was apparently coming from it and he could have sworn he heard and saw a lady in there laughing at him.
"Hee hee hee hee!"
"What YOU laughing at?! Baby WANTED to be close to da' water! Dis' planned!"
The lady didn't respond and it made Papyrus angrier, but his irritation soon vanished upon nearing the last small river. This one was the most interesting...at least to Papyrus. The other babies turned away from it in disinterest as it seemed to them to be the same as the river they were already on, but as the Lying Font, Papyrus could spot a liar almost instantly if he paid attention and this river was FULL of them. The glowey people in this one had their eyes open and were already making plans, probably to escape. Everywhere the baby looked there was a liar thinking about lying to...someone.
Was there someone bad down here?
He struggled to see where the river was headed, but the path he was on veered away from it, much to the baby bones disappointment. How was he supposed to prepare for danger if he didn't know what area it was in?!
The place HE was going apparently led to a bright field of tall yellow grass that looked like wheat. It was filled with children and babies and there was a big tree in the middle and...
and he was already bored.
"Why we stop here? Dis place suck!"
"Dis place be incwedible!" exclaimed Blood Blocks obviously disagreeing. They wanted to play with all the babies as soon as possible. But how were they gonna get down without the doggy's help? They couldn't ask the dog to put them down gently unless one of them knew how to speak doggy and everyone knew babies weren't bilingual. They still had trouble speaking ONE language!
"Oh dear, this is certainly unexpected. It's rare for you to come down here personally so often Cerberus..."
The babies turned their heads to see a beautiful woman in a long white dress, looking at them with worry. She was the most breathtaking woman Baby Papyrus had ever seen. Her long hair was by far her best feature as it seemed to mirror the season perfectly, though her bright blue eyes were nothing to scoff at either.
"NYEHHHHHHHHH!" cried Baby Papyrus loudly, hoping to get her attention. The other babies glared at him, knowing he was faking, but the woman took him from the dog and cuddled him unaware.
"Oh you poor little dear...I bet you were terribly frightened of this gentle giant weren't you?"
"*Sniff* Doggies are scary. They eats widdle babies..."
"Oh ho, Cerberus won't eat you! Not unless you try to leave..."
Now why would the baby ever want to leave this place?
"You's so nice to da' baby...and you's pretty too!"
"Awww, thank you so much! You certainly are a polite little Font aren't you?"
"Yep. I's charming."
"You certainly are! My name's Persephone, what's your name little one?"
"Papyrus."
"...Oh."
Persephone put Papyrus down.
"Dat's a nice dress you gots..."
"Mm."
"I likes it good."
"That's nice, this place is called Elysium and it's for-"
"It would look better cwumbled up next to da' baby's cwib dough..."
"..."
"..."
"...This place is called Elysium and it's a place for babies, children, and heroes who have passed away. Apparently, you three are not dead and thus should not be here-"
"Can I gets some booby-milk peas?"
"You are the second group to have arrived here too early. I don't know what's going on, but this cannot stand-"
"I wish to dwink yo' boobies!"
"...You are a very disturbing baby," said Persephone, looking down at Papyrus.
The baby bones clapped his hands in glee. He didn't know what "disturbing" meant, but it was most likely a compliment, seeing as he had given her one already and he'd been very polite.
Papyrus was glad that she liked him.
"Excuse me child-"
Papyrus turned towards the sound of a male voice somewhere near the tree. "I's not a child, I's a baby! A disturbing baby!"
"Yes you certainly are." The person the voice belonged to stepped out of the tree, much to Papyrus's amazement, fixing the baby bones with a smile that was somehow amused and cold at the same time.
"Who you be? I's wooing over here!"
"Is that a fact?" The man's smile faltered a bit above his dark beard, a fact that Papyrus promptly ignored.
"Yep, I's gonna win the pretty lady's heart and she gonna be mah sugar mama and gives me da' milk!"
"..."
"I don't think so, my name is Hades and this pretty lady is my wife therefore I'll thank you to halt your advances-"
"You keeps your thanks and I keeps yo' wife."
"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Persephone burst out laughing at the baby's clever retort.
"Heh heh heh! Baby bones ARE amusing, are they not? Tell me CHILD, have you ever heard the tale of Pirithous?"
"My Lord, this Font is but an infant...!"
"No, and I's not inerwested in yo' fairy tales," said Papyrus curtly, glaring down at the grass. The man's tone said it all, he and him were enemies and they were probably gonna fight. The baby was already plotting the Lord of the Dead's demise...
"Well maybe you'll be interested in this, I am the god of everything you see before you. You're in MY domain, everything the light touches here is our kingdom-"
"I's not afraid of the Lion King-"
"If you cross me, you'll have a lot more to worry about than mere lions child-"
"Go backs to Africa!"
Many of the babies and children laughed at Papyrus's reference as they remembered watching the movie while they were still alive, but Hades was not so happy. This baby was becoming more and more annoying as time passed.
"You are speaking to the Lord of the Dead you insolent little insect!"
"Didn't Hercles drop you in da' people toilet?"
"What...?"
"He put-ted you in da' swirly glowey toilet with the peoples in it. I seens it!"
"I've not an inkling as to what you are referring to-"
"How you get out dat toilet? The glowey people grab you and you went down da' drain!"
"That never happened. Persephone please take our uninvited guests to their proper places until this...mess, is sorted out,"
Persephone hurried to obey, gathering up the three babies and moving them quickly to an area filled with baby bones and Font children. Each area seemed cut off from one another and the one Papyrus was placed in happened to be a playpen of sorts made of stone.
On the front there was an engraved sign, worn with age that was difficult to read, but he could just make out the top part. It said "The Crappy Courageous."
"Dis for cwap babies?!"
"Of course not, we hold all our children in equal value-"
Papyrus took out the FontSearch he had stolen from Sans' pocket and pointed it at one of the little ones.
Thievery: The Stealing Font
"DIS FOR CWAP BABIES!"
"No, this is for children with orange souls-"
"THEN WHY HE HERE?!" yelled Baby Papyrus pointing to Bloodthirsty taking a nap.
"Oh dear, you know him?"
"YES! WHY YOU PUT BABY IN DA' CWAP CORNER?!"
"The name was another resident's idea, not ours," said the goddess walking away.
"I DIDN'T ASKS ABOUT DA' NAME!"
Persephone vanished behind the giant tree.
"NYEHHHHHHHAAAHHHH!"
"Shut up Papyrus, damn..."
"You shuts up..."
The other babies crowed around Papyrus like ants around an Oreo cookie, tugging on his jammies curiously.
"Go way babies! These MY jammies!"
"We're not babies!" said Thievery. He was wearing a ski mask and he looked like a cliché bank robber in his black and white striped sweater.
"Yep, we's toddlers." A baby girl in a blue dress with short blonde hair pulled on her bow.
"I'm five," said another boy in a magician's outfit holding up three fingers.
"We's both five..."
Baby Papyrus took the FontSearch out of his jammies again and pointed it at the toddlers.
ERROR...NO INFORMATION AT THIS TIME. PLEASE UPDATE YOUR FONTSEARCH OR CONTACT YOUR NEAREST CAPTURE FACILITY IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ENGAGE THE SCANNED FONT.
The baby looked at the screen in confusion before hitting the new button that popped up saying "Update." The screen turned white and a blue bar began to quickly fill, confusing the baby bones even further. He wasn't used to THIS FontSearch, he only played with his Daddy's...
UPDATE COMPLETE.
"Nyeh?" Did the baby just accomplish something? Would the FontSearch work now?
Supernatural Thing: The Novice Magician Font
"Nyeh hee hee hee hee!" Papyrus laughed happily and listened to the entry with pride.
Attribute: Horror
Type: Summoning
Supernatural Thing is a child exclusive, meaning only children can obtain this font; when the child grows up they will obtain another font based on their personality.
"I's a toddler, not a child!" exclaimed the young magician angrily.
Always practicing their magic, Supernatural Thing is only a few years away from becoming the adult Font Supernatural, however their summoning ability leaves much to be desired.
"NO! DAT THING BE LYIN'!"
They tend to accidentally summon the wrong things and can cause major havoc if not watched with a sharp eye. They often use their summoning to impresses unsuspecting victims in the various kid-like magic shows they put on in busy areas. When this child-Font asks for a volunteer, the victim is promptly killed by whatever is summoned after taking the stage. The things summoned could be anything including food, strange creatures, and objects. After the victim is killed, the child cries due to their failure and embarrassment and as a result they are then often showered with pity rather than scorn.
This Font, because of the way they catch their prey and the fact that they are an exclusive, is NOT to be reported to the Capture Facility. The FontSearch is used to inform of dangers that may be unavoidable and the Capture Facility is there to protect you from said unavoidable dangers. Supernatural Thing only preys upon volunteers and so death is not assured.
Extreme caution is advised.
"Oooooh! You know da' magics!"
"Yep, I's a magic skelly just like you and sissy," said Supernatural bitterly.
"You puts on a magic show for da' baby...?"
"I don't gots my hat! I needs my magician hat or people gonna think I'm Harry Potter-"
"Me next! Scan me next!" exclaimed the girl in the bow excitedly. She loved it when she was scanned because she had the prettiest name.
"My name is Beautiful Liar-"
Beautiful Liar: The Gold-Digging Font
Attribute: Normal
Type: Verbal
Naturally beautiful, Beautiful Liar uses their good looks to manipulate others into buying things for them. Beautiful Liar is also a child exclusive, meaning only children can obtain this font; when the child grows up they will obtain another font based on their personality.
Although they mean no real harm, they are known to empty the wallets of those with weak wills before moving on to the next person, without pause. They can often be seen skipping around in crowded malls or shopping centers by themselves wearing a big smile and it is said that they feel no guilt for their actions whatsoever though not all of them value integrity.
Often mistaken for a Horror, this Font is widely avoided although they're usually non-aggressive and it is common for them to have their font changed to Lonely Liar due to the isolation. Because they depend on magic to survive and they are runaways by nature, this Font is in danger of going extinct due to starvation as labor laws prevent them from earning money and thus buying magic foods.
Evolution however, seems to have smiled upon Beautiful Liar as they have in recent years learned to form symbiotic relationships with thieving Fonts; distracting victims and sharing what is stolen as a result. If this Font approaches you carrying food there is a good chance that a thieving Font is somewhere nearby waiting to steal your belongings, however the Capture Facility is not to be called unless a thieving Font is actually spotted. Beautiful Liar is NOT a threat to anyone's life and is NOT considered a criminal by nature, please keep in mind that any unlawful reports made to the CF can result in a large fine of variable proportions and even a prison sentence if considered a hate crime.
"Oooooh! You's partners in cwime!"
"Yep, we was till we got dusted by a baby-hater," said Beautiful sadly. She pulled her dress down a bit to show off the bullet hole in the fabric. She and Thievery had been victims of bigotry and shot on sight, but hopefully the baby-hater got in trouble for it. Shooting toddlers and babies was a horrible thing to do!
"Aww..dat's sad. What's da' world coming to when cute todd-ilers get shotted for no weason?"
"No reason? They're fucking thieves!"
"Shut it up, Thirsty!" said a baby bones in a strange suit glaring at the older Font. He was smaller than the toddlers, but Papyrus could see this wasn't someone to be messed with. There wasn't a scary aura about him, but one look at that mustache and goatee was all he needed to tell that this baby, though not a Horror, was evil.
Ransom: The Villainous Font
Attribute: Normal
Type: Verbal
One of the most infamous Fonts in the world, Ransom is hated by both Horrors and Normals alike, their horrible reputation matched only by their horrible personality. Massively intelligent, this Font is responsible for both the betrayal of the Horrors AND the Normals back during the Font War, playing for multiple sides simply for sport until finally almost wiping out their own species entirely.
The reason for their evil behavior is to date, unknown. Interviews with the caught Fonts each hold different answers and it is difficult to discern their true motives. Ransom has been known to target multiple world leaders and is thought to be responsible for countless terrorist attacks in random countries. Their crime waves come to a temporary stop when they contact their person of choice and demand a sizable amount of money in exchange for peace.
They specialize in coaxing others to join their evil causes using naught but their wit and charm, turning all who would listen into their "henchmen." They have the natural talent to enlist even other Fonts with their honeyed words simply by use of manipulation, though their font doesn't work on other skeletons, proving that Ransom is not to underestimated simply because they're a Normal. It is difficult, even after Ransom is killed, to turn their "henchmen" back into upstanding citizens and in most cases those victims need also to be put down.
Though this Font constantly wears a suit, they are not easily found, preferring to send out their underlings rather than get their hands dirty. Over the years over thirty two secret lairs have been found underground, inside volcanoes, and even under the sea; all trapped and dangerous. The technology inside suggests that this Font is practical and tends to target the talented, stopping when they've all the help they need. Blueprints on doomsday devices have raised considerable alarm among the populace and for this reason Ransom has been placed at the top of the FMWL. If you or someone you know think you've seen this Font, do not approach them, stay where you are and contact your nearest Capture Facility IMMEDIATELY.
Extreme caution is advised.
"You can't judge a skelly baby by their font you know," said Ransom smiling. "I's hoping we can be friends."
"..."
The baby bones crawled over to Papyrus and stood up, extending his hand. "I gots lots of friends in here, but I wish to weave and go back to da' surface. I can get us out this cwap pace if you helps; I's sure you gots a neat power..."
Papyrus shook the baby's hand. "Yep! My name be Papyrus...I can makes people believe whatever I tells em'!"
"Dat sounds useful-"
"I can also tell when people be lying."
Ransom's smile faded.
"..."
"..."
"Hey uh, are you two okay?"
"..."
"Course we's okay! I gots a new friend Thirsty! Ain't that right Wansom?"
"...Yes."
Bloodthirsty looked at them nervously; he didn't sense any friendliness between those two at all.
When he was alive, he got into a lot of fights at Ebott Elementary, a school he once went to before being thrown out for excessive violence. It was a terrible place filled with corrupt adults and they were the ones he usually fought with. They were racist towards the Fonts that attended the school, targeting them mercilessly as well as anyone else that stood up for them.
Bloodthirsty had been one of those people.
He didn't like how unfair the teachers and deans were at the school, it wasn't right to use your authority to hurt students you didn't like! They were supposed to protect ALL the children at the school, not just the humans, even if he didn't like Fonts. When he voiced his opinion about the injustice of it all however, he became the center of their attention. He had to deal with the lying, condescending, manipulative fuckers on a regular basis, dodging untrue accusations and making sure he followed the rules perfectly so they wouldn't have anything to bitch about. It got to a point where he had to watch everything that came out of his mouth, less his words be twisted and used against him and he had to go get his assignments personally due to his teachers "forgetting" to hand him his worksheets like everyone else, or failing to make enough copies.
Not that Bloodthirsty didn't fight back. He was never the type to back down from an adult. He decided that if they wanted to ride their high horse, he'd cut off the horses legs, if they wanted to hide out in their ivory tower, he'd smash it with a wrecking ball. He used his age and bad home life as an excuse for the pranks he got caught pulling and brought a recorder into the classroom to record the terrible things the teachers and deans said to him and the Fonts. He got a lot of people fired, as the principle could not ignore the evidence presented, no matter how much he wanted to, less it be introduced to a lawyer instead. He made their hateful lives hell until finally one bitch accused him of sexual harassment...even though he was seven. Bloodthirsty was so outraged, he ended up attacking her with a sharpened pencil and ultimately put her in the hospital which was enough to get him expelled.
The point was, Bloodthirsty knew a manipulative bastard when he saw one and right now he was staring at two.
"Is you gonna introduce da' baby to yo' friends?"
"Course I will! We's gonna be closer then family! We's like a superhero team!"
Bloodthirsty glared at the mustached baby. If he was gonna get out of there and find his siblings he needed to pick a side.
Lying little fucker's trying to use the other lying little fucker...he's filling everyone's heads with promises of freedom, but he doesn't give a damn about them.
...
But Baby Papyrus sucks soooo hard...I hate the little bastard! Everyone does!
"*Sigh*"
But although Ransom is a good manipulator, Papyrus is supposed to be the KING. Also he and Blood Blocks are friends..probably. He might help me find the others and find a way to get everyone out of here, assuming Blood Blocks wants to save their siblings.
Ransom is a douchbag anyway...
"Dis be Kidnap Note, he good kidnapper and knows how to write good. Dis be Guilt Trip, she makes people feel real guilty and then they does stuff for her...or kills themselves. She Virus-"
"They all orange?"
"Yep. Cept' Thirsty cause' he too bad to be anywhere else and Guilt Trip makes em' stay."
"Whatever! She's too dumb to even know what's going on and you know I can surprise her and break her face right?"
"Shut it up, Thirsty!"
"Yeah Thirsty, you be ki-et!" said Papyrus smiling.
Bloodthirsty crossed his arms and turned away.
"Baby just kidding, you's my friend even dough you sucks. You bedder be nice to Thirsty Wansom or Imma weave you behind."
I'm his friend...?
"You can't weaves me! I's da' leader!"
"Not no more. I's stronger-"
"So?! I's leader material!"
"You can't judge a Skelly baby by their font dough, you said it!"
"He's right, you did say that Ransom," said Bloodthirsty smirking. It was good to be on the winning team for once.
"NO! I'S DA' LEADER!" yelled Ransom angrily.
"Nope. Baby can makes people do stuff too AND I gots basters, see?" Papyrus summoned his Gaster Blasters and the rest of the babies eyes sparkled with wonder.
"SO?! THOSE BE USEWESS! NOBODY DIE HERE!"
"But they float in the air. He can use them to get over the gate-"
"SHUT IT UP, THIRSTY!"
"You wants a wide Guilt Trip? I puts you over da' gate and you go home to yo' mommy and daddy."
"Bah, gahhh..." The baby bones put her hand in her mouth, unsure as to what Papyrus had just said.
"NOOO! GUILT TRIP'S MAH FRIEND!" yelled Ransom, stomping his little feet.
"She my new sissy, you said we be family..."
"YOU WEAVE HER AWONE OR I'S GONNA CRY!"
Papyrus smiled at nothing. "Well then I hopes you know how to beeth underwater, cause' I aspect you's gonna cry an ocean fore' I gives a damn-"
"SCU YOU PAPYRUS!"
The baby said nothing, he merely put his thumb in his mouth and continued to smile. He knew he had already won the respect of the other inmates and now the playpen washis. HE was the boss now...and Ransom couldn't do anything about it.
Too bad the baby bones didn't have Papyrus's experience. He was smart, but his reputation most likely got him killed as soon as he turned two. Ransom was no match for Papyrus as he was now, even if he WAS a prodigy.
Not that Papyrus planned on taking his eyes off the little rat. He was smiling, but on the inside he despised that particular baby bones. The fact that he'd lost the other babies respect so quickly meant that Ransom hadn't been practicing his font and there was no excuse for that even if he had just been put in the playpen. It didn't take long for a baby bones to grow big. They had to work hard during that time to practice their font and eat their nutrients so they'd become big, strong, and skilled...that's what GOOD babies did anyway.
That, was the baby bones way.
"You's a lazy baby bones, Wansom. You's lazy and bad and I's gonna weave you behind if you doesn't be good."
It was probably best to leave him behind anyway, but if Ransom knew people didn't die...wherever Papyrus was, then he may know other stuff too. Perhaps he could be useful to the infant?
Ransom's diaper made a scrunchy sound as he plopped down in the grass, his tantrum over. "Kay', I'll be a good baby. I's sorry, I just gotted jelly-ous cause' I don't gots no power here."
"Is okay," said Papyrus giving him a hug. "Baby didn't know you was chokein' on dat jelly. We gets out of here together!"
The two babies smiled at each other.
They still weren't friends.