Steve carried Stephanie into the guest room Simmons had set up for his use. A part of him thought it was ridiculous that he and Stephanie were staying there when they could just go home. But Steve just was not ready to face that apartment without Kayla there. And at least here, he had Simmons as a back-up babysitter.
As he set Stephanie down in the crib, Steve was only mildly surprised to find a pair of pajamas waiting there. Steve had no idea where Simmons would have gotten them, but he had little doubt they would fit perfectly and that there would be a fresh outfit for Stephanie in the morning. As had been the case at Donovan Manor, every detail would be seen to.
Within a few minutes, Steve had a wriggling Stephanie changed and ready for bed. Holding her in his arms he walked slowly around the room humming a soft tune. As usual, the music worked; it was not long before Stephanie's eyelids were drooping.
Smiling at his daughter, Steve placed her gently in the crib and softly stroked her hair. As he stood there, memories flooded his mind. He remembered the day Stephanie was born and how, despite all the turmoil and uncertainty surrounding them, it had been the happiest day of their lives.
Stepping back from the crib, Steve sat down on the bed and smiled as he remembered his initial reaction to Kayla being in labor. He had tried so hard to stay calm, but it was really Kayla who had it under control. The best he could do was serve ice chips and regale her with stories to keep her focused on anything but the pain.
And then their daughter had arrived, and Steve had been overwhelmed by emotions he had never believed possible. Love, happiness, completeness had all been just dreams prior to Kayla and Stephanie. But, for a brief shining moment, he had everything he had ever dreamed of in his life. And then it was gone.
Steve knew that there was only one thing that kept him alive during those 10 long months in Alamain's hell. It was the chance, however remote, of making it back to his wife and daughter. Without the reality of his family, without the possibility of seeing them again, he would have given up long before Shane and the ISA arrived.
And what had he done when he returned? Instead of being grateful for being brought home to his family, he had been bitter. Instead of focusing on the fact that he had been granted a second chance, he had spent much of his time focusing on what he had lost, not what he had found. And, worst of all, instead of understanding that he was not the only one who had suffered, he had pushed aside Kayla's grief and thought only of his own feelings of betrayal.
Even as he and Kayla had worked through some of these issues, they had never been fully resolved. He remembered how Kayla had talked about feeling like she was walking on eggshells, never wanting to say or do something that might trigger his hurt and anger. He had walled himself off from her pain, never being willing to set aside his own long enough to really understand what she had gone through when he left.
And now, here he was, staying in the same house - maybe even the same room - where Kayla had lived when he was gone. Steve could not help but chuckle silently at the irony. She had told him that she had stayed with Shane because she could not bear to be in their house alone. He had heard the words, but never really understood them until now.
She had spoken of being lost, alone, and scared. But instead of letting her really share her emotion with him, he had focused on the person who had been there to help her through that time.
He looked at his daughter sleeping peacefully a few feet away. Why had he been so angry that she had been loved and cared for? Isn't that what he should have been wishing for? Someone to love and protect his daughter the way she deserved?
And Kayla? Since the moment he had fallen for her, he had wanted nothing but the best for her. And, for a long time, that had meant almost anyone but him. Steve remembered how she had asked him if he would have really wanted her to remain alone once he was gone. The question had caught him off guard, but he had answered honestly - that was never what he would have wanted for her.
So why was the reality so hard to deal with? Why did he let it come between him and Kayla the way he had? He did not doubt Kayla's love for him; it had been there in her eyes the first moment she saw him at Donovan Manor. So why had he been unable to accept that and move on with their lives?
As he leaned back against the pillows, Steve silently felt the emotions he had been holding back for days threatening to overwhelm him. Despite all that time he had been kept away from his family, this was different. When he had been gone, he had at least taken some comfort in believing that Kayla was safe. There was no such comfort now. He was simply enduring a different kind of captivity.
Stifling back the sobs that threatened to erupt, Steve silently begged for one more chance to make things right. God knows he did not deserve it, but Kayla did - and Stephanie did. He did not know how much longer he could go on without something to give him hope.
At that thought, Steve looked again at Stephanie and knew that he would go on as long as he had to. He had no choice because his daughter needed him to stay strong. Kayla had mentioned that it had been Stephanie that had kept her going after she thought he had died. Just one more thing he had not really understood until now.
Closing his eye, Steve let his exhaustion wash over him. Please come home to me, baby. I don't think I can do this without you.