O, that a man might know
The end of this day's business ere it come!
But it sufficeth that the day will end,
And then the end is known.
William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
Liara couldn't even begin to describe how relieved she was to see Shepard up and, from all appearances, perfectly fine. She sat with her hands clenching her knees in the comm room, waiting and pretending that the feel of Shepard's arms around her didn't still linger on her skin. She knew now, having witnessed the woman and Lieutenant Alenko embracing, that it was extremely likely that the Commander's romantic inclinations had veered in another direction, but the asari could not shake the deep longing that emanated from her bones.
It was absurd. She barely knew the Commander, and yet…
The door slid open and the Lieutenant walked in, staring down a grinning Chief Williams, before taking his seat. Shepard followed immediately after, but paused inside the room, her eyes skimming over the architecture of the room before settling on each of them in turn. Liara did her best not to blush under even this fleeting scrutiny, but it proved difficult.
"I never thought I'd see this room again," whispered Shepard, and then, seeming to remember herself, shook her head. The gesture highlighted the fact that her golden hair that Liara had so admired was long gone, and she couldn't help but wonder if it had hurt. The mood plummeted, and their Commander realized it. She smiled. "It's uglier than I remember."
"You can blame us for that," chimed in Garrus. "Turians can make some pretty striking art, but not when it comes to ships. Ships are tools, and tools are utilitarian."
Shepard's eyes rested on the turian for so long that he squirmed under her gaze. She swallowed and walked into the room, but instead of sitting, she leaned against the railing. "I've set a course for Noveria. We'll be there in about sixteen hours, give or take." She paused, her eyes glued to the floor. "I have… I've gotten some recent intel that suggests Benezia is there." Her eyes slid towards Liara.
The room pounded, and Liara struggled to remain calm as all eyes turned towards her. Most were pitying, and that was the worst. Her mother was a traitor. Her mother had used her position as matriarch to aid a genocidal… what? Terrorist? It was the only word Liara could think of and it stabbed through her chest like a hundred shards of glass. "If you're worried that I will attempt to hinder you in any way, Commander, you needn't. My mother has turned her back on the Council, and on me."
"Liara," said Shepard softly, "your mother is indoctrinated. It's not her fault."
The word rattled around in her mind, but Liara couldn't pinpoint exactly why Shepard was putting so much influence on the word indoctrinated.
"No offense," said Chief Williams, "but just because she drank the Kool-Aid doesn't mean she immediately gets a free pass, ma'am."
Though most of that meant absolutely nothing to Liara, she understood the general intent and while she was tempted to bristle with indignation, she was forced to admit to herself that it was true. Benezia had to be held accountable for her actions. No matter how persuasive Saren could be – and Liara had to assume he was incredibly so to convince an asari matriarch to turn her back on her beliefs – Benezia had ultimately made the decision.
Shepard dragged a hand down on her face and appeared to be counting, though Liara did not know what. "It's not like that. Indoctrination isn't something that Saren does, it's what the Reapers do. They infect the minds of their victims until… Well, let's just say that, in the end, there isn't even the semblance of free will."
"But the Reapers aren't even here yet," interrupted Tali. "How can they be controlling people's minds if they're not here? Can they broadcast long distance? But then how could they ensure that it would be received by the proper…"
"Sovereign is a Reaper," said Shepard flatly.
For a few beats, there was only the hum of the Normandy's drive core in the small room. Then Lieutenant Alenko said, "Sovereign? Saren's ship?"
"Is a Reaper," repeated Shepard, crossing her arms.
That… that didn't seem possible. Suddenly, the threat was all too real. Sure, she'd been discussing the Prothean extinction with Shepard since they arrived, and Shepard had been recounting the details of her vision, but they'd been discussing events that happened fifty-thousand years ago. Liara was an archaeologist – she was used to thinking of the Prothean extinction as ancient history. To hear that one of the, the things that had wiped out that advanced civilization was flying around the galaxy even now…
Oh goddess, they were in trouble.
Even as she came to this terrible realization, a small part of her could only mourn her mother if what Shepard said was true. If the Reapers could control the minds of their victims, then perhaps her mother had never stood a chance? But Benezia was near nine hundred years old and had renowned mental fortitude. Surely if anyone could've fought off mental control, it should've been her…
Garrus leaned forward, clasping his hands. "How exactly do you know all this, Shepard?" His voice wasn't quite accusing, but Liara saw both Lieutenant Alenko and Chief Williams frown at the almost-implication.
Shepard stared at him for a second time, and there was a weight there that Liara couldn't quantify. But then the Commander raised a finger and tapped at her skull, a grim, unhappy smile infecting her face. "Amazing what one can learn by watching a civilization fall."
A thought curled into the centre of Liara's brain, and she stood. Of course, the second she did so, she realized that she'd once again drawn the attention of the entire room. She clasped her hands tight in front of her and tried to look as confident as Shepard always did. "Commander, there is a process among the asari – a way to link one's consciousness with another's…"
"I know," said Shepard.
The interjection sent Liara's mind skipping off in another direction, and doubt wiggled into her gut. Had Shepard been with another asari? And if so, then maybe it wasn't that the Commander was simply sticking closer to her own species, but was just completely devoid of attraction for Liara herself… Liara had never considered herself very beautiful – accomplished and intelligent yes, beautiful no – but it hurt to think that there was some fault in her that repelled Shepard's affections.
"Yes, well," stammered Liara, "I have spent nearly my entire life studying Protheans. If I were to join my consciousness to yours, maybe I would have insights into the last days of their civilization and we would be able to determine…"
"No," said Shepard. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
Liara wasn't sure what was worse: the thought that Shepard didn't want to share the knowledge inside her head, or the thought that Shepard found her so utterly repulsive that she wasn't going to even consider the proposal. Liara's hands started to tremble, but she held her chin high and struggled to make her voice even. "Commander, this could be potentially beneficial for our fight against Saren."
"I said no," snapped Shepard, her hair gaining volume as the scent of ozone filled the room. Liara had never seen such angry energy surround the Commander, not even during some of their missions together. Shepard was normally calm, almost preternaturally so, and able to defuse as many situations with her words as with her gun. This was entirely out of character.
"Never thought I'd see the day," muttered Wrex, words laced with approval.
Shepard swirled on the krogan, who just blinked calmly back at her. She took a deep breath and steeled herself, turning away from them all. "You're all dismissed."
Liara opened her mouth to – well, to do something. Apologize, maybe. She didn't make it through before Lieutenant Alenko put a hand on her shoulder, and with a friendly incline of his head, led her out of the room. Her hands were still trembling, and in that second, she hated them.
"Shepard's under a lot of stress right now," said the Lieutenant gently, as he led her down to the crew area. "She's been through a lot in these past few weeks, and I can't imagine the pressure the Council has put on her now that she's better. And if she's right about Sovereign being a Reaper…" He let his silence speak for itself.
He was right, of course. Liara couldn't even begin to imagine the responsibility that Shepard had to bear. Perhaps it wasn't just a matter of Liara being somehow imperfect. Perhaps there was more to Shepard's emotions than Liara had even bothered to guess. The thought sat sour in her stomach, and didn't make her feel any better about the current situation.
It didn't help that it was the Lieutenant comforting her. She couldn't even resent him; all he'd ever done was try to help her feel welcome. Liara almost wished that he and Chief Williams could have a personality transplant, because at least then she'd be free to dislike him.
"You're right, of course. Thank you, Lieutenant," she said, offering up her wavering version of a smile.
The Lieutenant returned with one of his own, steadier but not much larger. "I've told you to call me Kaidan."
"Kaidan," she repeated, and he gave her shoulder a quick squeeze before disappearing off to do whatever duties he had.
Liara stayed where she was, body slumping against the wall.
She heard Tali's tentative, "That was… that wasn't like Shepard, was it?", followed by Garrus' fractured, "No, but this waiting around has been fraying all of us a little." Wrex, who Liara could only assume pulled up the rear, said, "I always knew Shepard had a hell of a quad. Now, if only she'd show it a bit more," and that was enough. The asari escaped into the medbay.
Doctor Chakwas was sitting at her workstation, head propped up on one hand, staring at nothing. She didn't even notice as Liara approached, and jumped when touched. She turned quickly with a tired smile. "Oh, Liara. I'm sorry. I was a million miles away. Can I help you?"
Liara shook her head. "I just wanted to see if you were all right."
"Yes, yes," said the Doctor. She placed her hands in her lap. "How did the debriefing go?" There was a sense of huddled expectation, and Liara hesitated. Something must've shown on her face because Doctor Chakwas sighed. "Oh dear. What happened?"
Opening her mouth to reply, Liara was cut off by, "I was unnecessarily abrupt, that's what."
Shepard stood in the doorway, running a hand back and forth over her now bare scalp as if she couldn't believe her hair was gone. It was the first time Liara could ever remember Shepard looking repentant. Shepard seemed to realize what she was doing so she shoved her hands in her pockets. "Can we talk?"
"Of course," said Liara, perhaps a trifle too quickly, and gestured into the small space she'd claimed as her own. Shepard walked in first and Liara followed, given a quick smile from Doctor Chakwas as reassurance.
Shepard stood as she had in the comm room – with her back to the room. Despite this, it was clear she was deep in thought. "I owe you an apology," she said.
"Shepard, please, you don't have to," started Liara, but Shepard waved it away.
"Your suggestion… It would've been a good one, and I would've accepted if things were different. But they're not." She took a deep breath and turned around. "You've been a good friend, Liara, and you should know that I trust you implicitly, but in light of the last few weeks… The beacon was dangerous, and the memories I now carry… I won't subject you to them."
How was it possible that she now felt worse for assuming that Shepard's intentions had been anything other than honourable? Liara tried to shove it down, because she knew, somehow, that the woman in front of her would be upset to know the disquiet she'd inadvertently caused.
"Shepard," said Liara, and hazarded a touch to Shepard's arm, "I don't know what to say."
Shepard shrugged and smiled slightly. It lasted only the space of a few seconds before dropping away. "About your mother…"
"She will have to face the consequences of her actions," said Liara quietly, wrapping her arms around herself. "Regardless of whether they were her fault or not."
"Yes," agreed Shepard, "and that's why I'm not taking you along when I go to Noveria."
"What?" breathed Liara. "Shepard, you have to let me come! She's my mother, my responsibility!"
"No, Liara, she's not. Benezia, as she was, is dead." Shepard's eyes were downcast. "There's only one way this is going to end. I don't want you to have to kill what's left of her – or to have you watch me do it."
When Liara was young, Benezia's favourite colour was yellow. She'd planted yellow flowers on their apartment terrace – the same blossoms that Liara attributed with Shepard's hair – and had cultivated them with care. Benezia had a lot of responsibilities even then, and Liara could remember countless hours poring over books while her mother conducted meetings with her followers, or fellow matriarchs, or even foreign delegations. But after each of those visits, Benezia would approach and sit with her, asking what Liara had learned. Years later, Liara realized that most of the tidbits and factoids she'd shared with her mother during those small moments were widely known, but her mother had always made her feel special, made her feel smart. It was Benezia who had encouraged her to attend university despite her young age, and she'd arrived at Liara's graduation, beaming with pride.
Fumbling for her chair, Liara sat. Her lower lip trembled, though she tried to hide it. She was almost good at it now. "Is there nothing we can do, Shepard?"
Shepard still wouldn't look at her. "I'm sorry," she said, and it was enough.
Tears leaked out of the corner of Liara's eyes of their own accord, and she tried to wipe them away quickly, to prove to Shepard that she could be just as strong as the rest of the crew. She was stopped by a pair of arms circling her, holding her close. Shepard smelled of the hospital, of disinfectant and military issued soap and, vaguely, underneath, there was the smell of ozone, of her biotics. Liara's hands held onto Shepard's shirt, and she cried.
0-0-0
Kaidan tried to focus on his duties, really, he did. He monitored the communications console near Shepard's room, and told himself that he'd been stationed there since the Normandy first took off, and that his standing there had nothing to do with waiting for Shepard. He didn't quite believe it yet, but it was true enough that it the flurry of emotion he felt was closer to a mild rainstorm than a hurricane.
It had been hard to keep it together when she'd shown up. He hadn't done a very good job hiding his feelings, and that was a dangerous line to be toeing, especially with the first ever human Spectre. After her stint in the hospital, Kaidan could only imagine that more eyes were on her now than ever before. Probably, the Council was interested in making sure that their new investment wasn't defective. The thought materialized out of the ether before Kaidan could stamp it down and he sighed, leaning his weight on the console. From the sounds of it, he'd been listening to Ash for too long.
But it was true, wasn't it? The Council must be breathing down her neck for Shepard's composure to crack.
That was a lot of responsibility for a person who'd just been discharged from the hospital. Anyone else, and they probably would've made her stay for a few days more observation. He still had a hard time believing that they'd isolated the problem and just zapped it away. The memory of Shepard's body convulsing in pain hadn't quite disappeared from the space behind his eyelids.
He sighed again, and risked a look towards the corridor that led to Shepard's quarters. He wanted to help, but he wasn't sure how. He wanted to talk to her, to be around her, to make sure she wasn't dying in there. It had been several hours since she'd last been seen. Usually, she did her reports at the mess table. If not that, she usually kept her door open, but not now. Now it was closed, and it made Kaidan nervous for more than one reason.
When she'd emerged from the medbay, presumably to talk to Liara, she'd had her arms wrapped tight around herself. She'd glanced up and caught his eye, and he'd offered her a small, comforting smile. It had become a small habit between the two of them. It wasn't anything romantic, and it definitely wasn't anything sexual, but it was always special, especially when she unfailingly returned one of her own. They'd just been a man and a woman telling each other, we'll get through this.
There'd been no reciprocating smile today. Shepard's eyes had dropped and she'd hurried away to seclude herself.
It wasn't his place to check up on her. No, that would definitely be upsetting the chain of command. He should see to his duties then bunker down for a few hours in case Shepard decided she needed him on Noveria. He tried to focus on the task at hand, but his eyes kept drifting back towards the corridor.
Aw, hell with it. He moved away from the console and towards the Captain's quarters. It wasn't as though Shepard was going to report him. If she were, there were a dozen other examples of fraternization she could've called him on before now.
Kaidan rang Shepard's door buzzer before he'd decided whether he was really fully committed to the plan he'd just devised.
"Yes?" called Shepard.
"Commander," said Kaidan. "It's me. Can we talk?"
There was the slightest hesitation, but it was enough to frazzle his nerves. Then the door unlocked and hissed open. He entered slowly and found that, rather than the meticulously clean quarters, Shepard's room was littered with the debris of what looked like the mother of all research sessions. She had schematics and lists pasted to the walls on what looked like notebook paper. Elsewhere, datapads projected schematics and maps. Above Shepard's desk, there was a calendar that ran… Wow, it looked like, what, three years?
He drifted over to the table to investigate before his attention was completely snagged by the woman in question.
Shepard herself was hunched over a console at the desk. She barely glanced up at him, but he saw her hand bunch into a fist. "Can I help you, Lieutenant?"
His rank was like a punch in the mouth. When was the last time he'd been something other than Kaidan or LT to her? And what had brought on this change?
"I just wanted to see how you were doing," he said, and as an afterthought, added, "ma'am."
"Well, as you can see, I'm fine," she said, though her voice sounded as though it were coming from down a long tunnel.
Kaidan surreptitiously inspected the scar down the back of her skull. "Are you sure, Shepard? Up in the comm room, that wasn't… that wasn't like you."
She stilled completely but Kaidan could see the pulse jumping in her throat. She slowly turned to him. "How do you mean?"
"I've never seen you lose your temper," said Kaidan and at her frown, held up his hands. "And I get it. You have a lot on your plate. Probably more than I can imagine, but I just want you to know that if you need to talk, I'm here."
Shepard's eyes softened, though she remained far from her usual self. "There it is," she said, though it didn't seem to be directed at him.
"What?"
She shook her head, digging the palms of her heels into her eyes. "Nothing. Nevermind." She dropped her hands into her lap. "I assure you, I'm perfectly fine. No damage done. The beacon gave me some extra info, and my brain isn't turning to goo… win-win, right?"
Something about the way she was talking was less than reassuring, but Kaidan couldn't quite figure out what it was. He took a step forward. "I also wanted to apologize for my behavior upon your return. I was out of line. I should've behaved more professionally."
There wasn't even a hint on her face. "Don't worry about it," she said in an equally ambiguous voice.
"It's just that I, well, after seeing what happened in the hospital," said Kaidan, and he tried to keep his voice even. He only just failed. "I care about you Shepard, and I worry."
Her shoulders slumped, and she turned her face away from him. "I know."
That was it? I know? Kaidan struggled to find something else to say, something else to add, but wherever he reached, he found nothing. That tunnel between them seemed to be stretching longer and longer, and thought he was only a few feet away, there was this abyss he didn't know how to cross. The line between personal and professional had been becoming increasingly blurry this past while, but now, now the whole thing had sunk into a quicksand of melted emotions, and he wasn't sure how to pull the whole thing out.
Shepard took a deep breath and turned back to her work. "If that's all, Lieutenant, you're dismissed."
His military training kicked in, and Kaidan saluted. "Yes, ma'am."
He was nearly out the door when she called, "Oh, and let Wrex and Ash know they're on the roster for Noveria. Suggest they get some sleep."
"Will do, Commander," said Kaidan.
As the door clicked locked behind him, Kaidan told himself that this was a natural progression. He'd known that their easy camaraderie, their intimate manner could not continue while they both still served on the same ship. He'd known. That barely numbed the sting.
Rather than going back to work, he hopped onto the elevator and descended into the shuttle bay. As he expected, Ash was at her workstation, looking down the scope of her rifle, obviously testing out some new mod. Kaidan shoved his hands into his pockets and wandered over, leaning his body against the table. Ash raised one eyebrow at him, before shrugging and continuing with her work.
"Things are different now," said Kaidan.
"No shit," said Ash, opening her rifle so she could fiddle with the heat sink. "Sovereign's a fucking Reaper."
There was a pause while Ash presumably waited for him to jump in, but he found himself pounding down a blush instead. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked everywhere but at Ash. "I was talking more about Shepard. I'm worried."
"Of course you are," she muttered, shaking her head. "Anything in particular?"
"How she blew up at Liara, for starters."
"This might come as a surprise, LT, but Shepard's got a lot of crap to deal with," said Ash, as she used a screwdriver to pop out her old sink.
"I know that," objected Kaidan.
"Course you do," said Ash, "we all do. Difference being, we can't all be buttoned up like you all the time."
Kaidan bit back a retort. There was a reason why he held back, even if Ash didn't know that. She wasn't a biotic, so she couldn't understand. One slip, one temper tantrum, that was all it would take to cause immeasurable damage – and damage with lasting consequences. He knew that, and somehow, he was sure that Shepard knew it too. How could he explain to Ash that valuable lesson without getting into details?
So he said, "Shepard isn't usually all that buttoned up."
Ash stared at him disbelievingly. "Are you serious? The rest of us would've been screaming bloody murder if we'd been dealt Shepard's hand. I think it's totally normal that she lost it. Besides, the asari isn't military. I'd get annoyed if a civilian was constantly questioning my orders too."
"She has a name," rebuked Kaidan, "and Liara's dealing with a lot right now."
Ash snorted. "Yeah, like rejection."
There'd been rumours for weeks that Liara was interested in Shepard. Seeing the two of them together, it was hard not to compare the asari with a puppy vying for attention, even if she was old enough to be his grandmother. It was hard to tell, though, how much of that was genuine attraction, how much was gratitude, and how much was simple inter-species miscommunication. She'd looked crestfallen after the ordeal, but that didn't mean anything, did it?
"I meant with her mom," said Kaidan.
Pausing in her ministrations, Ash nodded slowly. "I know. That's tough, especially if what Shepard said is true. Indoctrinated. That doesn't sound good." Her shoulders slumped. "God, I wonder if Shepard is going to bring her with."
Which reminded Kaidan of why he'd come down in the first place. "No," he replied. "She's taking you. She sent me down to let you know."
Ash's eyebrows climbed to her hairline. "Me? Why me? Who else? You?" Kaidan's eyes rolled towards Wrex, who was leaning up against the wall a few meters away. Leaning back, Ash followed him and her eyebrows disappeared completely. "No shit! Say whatever you want, but Shepard's got balls bringing a krogan onto a business planet. He's going to be like a bull in a china shop." Ash frowned, as if considering all the possible ways things could go wrong.
"I wonder why she chose you two," said Kaidan.
"We're the two least likely to put up with bureaucratic bullshit?" offered Ash. "Maybe Shepard's hoping that by bringing Wrex, she can skip all the small talk."
Kaidan couldn't help his smile. "And you?"
"I was asked for my charming personality. Obviously."
"Obviously," agreed Kaidan, and the two lapsed into companionable silence. "Hey… You keep an eye on her, okay?"
Ash scoffed. "No, I thought I'd take in the sights of the snow planet, spend some time in the bar, maybe rent a hotel room. Of course I'll keep an eye on her. Contrary to popular belief LT, you're not the only one with a vested interest in keeping Shepard alive."
It was amazing, really, how Shepard could command such loyalty from people she barely knew, himself included. Underneath Ash's sarcastic comments, he saw his concern take root and begin to flower into responsibility in her eyes. She would take care of Shepard to the best of her ability, and he couldn't ask for more than that. Well, except for Wrex to stand in front of Shepard at all times as a krogan meat shield, but Kaidan didn't fancy the searching look he'd get from the krogan or the talk he'd have to share with Shepard were he to even ask.
There was no sign of Sovereign in the sector, and Benezia was just one asari. The mission should be as clean as they come.
0-0-0
Wrex was damned pleased to finally get some action. At least, he was before he realized they were on the paper-pushing capital of the galaxy. The only thing that made the whole ordeal even marginally worth it was watching the yuppies in their suits flinch when he looked in their general direction. Well, that and Shepard.
He didn't know what had happened to her in that hospital, and he wasn't sure he much cared. As a general rule, he avoided the things at all cost – easy to do when you have tertiary organs. Hospitals meant tests, and tests meant medicines, and all you had to do was head to the female clans on Tuchanka to see what medicines did. So no, he hadn't visited, and no, he didn't feel bad about it. Shepard was a warrior, but until this trip, he'd considered her softer than most, even if she could be deadly when she ran out of fancy words to use.
But here on Noveria? He was seeing a side he hadn't before, and he liked it.
The laughable human security had tried to take their weapons – Shepard's, his and Ash's – upon landing. Instead of handing over her weapons and talking it out like usual, Shepard had turned her gun on them and flat out refused. It was only the timely intervention of yet another human that saved the so-called security team from being blown away. He would've done it, Williams to his right would've done it, and from the grip Shepard had maintained, she would've as well.
Interesting.
But then, the real kicker came when they were poking around in some cordoned off area for some turian and some human confronted them as they were entering the office. Now, normally, this is where Shepard would've tried to talk her way out of the encounter, asking the other person to please stand down or whatever other crap she could think up. This time? Before the woman had said two words, a pistol shot sliced through the air and down she fell, hole neatly between her eyes.
"I do not have time for this bullshit," hissed Shepard as she and Williams fell into cover. Wrex barged right in and took out three mercs on his own. He turned to deal with one of the few that remained, but the merc's head exploded in skull and brain fragments, and there was Shepard, shotgun at the ready, stepping over his corpse like was nothing.
Very interesting.
"Holy shit," said Williams, taking in the carnage. "Was that really necessary, Commander?"
Shepard fingered her pistol, mouth set with resolve. "The intel we want is upstairs. Let's get it and move out," she said.
"I thought this was going to be a boring mission," said Wrex, holstering his weapon. "And here I am, almost having fun."
"Glad to be of service," muttered Shepard, pushing the button for the elevator.
"This isn't your usual style, Shepard," said Wrex as he trundled up the stairs after her. "Remember when we first met? You let those warehouse workers go, even though it would've saved time to just kill them."
Williams' frown was practically audible, but Shepard didn't seem to give a damn. She cast one glance over her shoulder, unperturbed. "There's a difference between mercs and innocent bystanders, Wrex."
"As I recall, those innocent bystanders had guns pointed at us."
"Not the same."
Wrex grunted, but gave up trying. There wasn't really a difference, but Shepard liked to make her own little rules to make her feel better about killing. She'd get a lot more sleep if she just stopped caring so much. He wasn't a typical krogan, who believed that battle was the be all end all of life – one look at his species should be enough to deter anyone's thoughts in that regard – but he still didn't understand all the emphasis on morality and rules that people kept spewing about. In the end, blood was blood, and unless you were worried about a particular colour of stain, it didn't matter whose it was.
Shepard navigated the area like she knew exactly where she was going, and who knew? Maybe she did. She retrieved an OSD full of information from the back office, tucked it into her belt, and immediately swapped her pistol for a shotgun.
"There's bound to be some trouble," she said, taking point. "Best get ready."
It was the bitch from the docks, trying to look tough and failing utterly. What this planet needed was more krogan security – you just couldn't take anyone else seriously. This woman gave it a good shot, but Wrex had seen more intimidating pets on Tuchanka. "You know what we do to cop killers?" she asked.
"Don't care," said Shepard.
Her arm moved and suddenly the security head and her entire detail were being scattered by a biotic shockwave. The woman didn't go far, but she only barely hoisted herself up on her elbows when Shepard was there. Half a second later, the back of the woman's skull was gone, bone and brain splattering like spilled varren stew. Wrex took out a few that stood up, as did Williams, but by and large, Shepard took out the most, deep in the thick of them. When they'd finished, the office had gotten a new paint job, and Wrex thought it was an improvement, personally.
"I didn't know you could do that," said Williams. "I've never seen that before."
"Seen what?" asked Shepard.
"That moving… lightning… thing," said Williams, gesturing with her arm in much the same way Shepard had done. "I don't think LT has used it, and I haven't seen T'Soni use it either."
"Yeah, well," said Shepard, holstering her shotgun, "a girl's got to have secrets."
Which, it was turning out, was especially true in the case of Shepard. Could it be that the Council had pushed her too far during her stint in the hospital? Wrex knew none of the particulars, which suited him just fine, but he could imagine how someone's temper might flare when confronted with those screeching pyjaks for the millionth time. Frankly, he was surprised Shepard hadn't blown away the lot of them already. From where he was standing, they had their heads so far up each other's asses, it was a wonder they hadn't suffocated to death by now.
They descended to the ground floor in relative silence. Wrex was hoping they'd finally finished being errand boys for everyone and their brother. Williams seemed to be contemplating Shepard's change of tactics. Shepard was a complete blank slate, and that was new. Not that she was normally chatty – or, not on missions anyway – but he'd been able to read her tells for some time. She ran her tongue over her teeth when she was thinking hard about something, or when she was nervous. She would flex both hands after a fight if she wasn't satisfied with the outcome, usually because she let someone live she'd much rather have killed, if not for her morals. Today, though, there was absolutely nothing.
The elevator opened and that receptionist woman came forward, a knowing look on her face. "Apparently there was some commotion coming from that particular office."
"Yep," said Shepard, and before the woman – Parasini, Wrex remembered – could say anything else, Shepard leaned back and crossed her arms. "This is the part where you reveal to me that you're undercover and ask me to get Lorik Qui'in to testify, right?"
Parasini reeled backwards, eyes darting nervously around the hall. "I – I don't know what you're talking about."
"Okay then," said Shepard with a shrug. "I'll just get Qui'in to testify because Anoleis deserves to fry. Works for me." She brushed past Parasini. "I'll come to see you when I've secured the testimony. Have a garage pass ready for me."
Williams jogged to catch up, and Wrex followed, but not before giving this Parsini woman a once over. She was genuinely surprised, staring after Shepard with her mouth wide open. She managed to get control of herself when she noticed she was being watched, smoothing out her dress. Wrex grunted and went to catch up with the women.
"But how did you know?" said Williams.
"It was pretty obvious," said Shepard, and that was going to be that until she caught Williams' gesture to continue. "Listen, when a bureaucrat starts giving you inside information to help you out, there's always a catch. Because she did it without her boss' consent, there were really two options. Either she was undercover or she was conspiring to have him removed. I just chose one and went with it."
"Smart," said Wrex.
"Something like that," agreed Shepard, and led the way towards the bar.
Another elevator ride, and Shepard was standing in front of Qui'in with the same no-nonsense body language.
The turian was pleased to see her. "Commander, good to see you. I trust you found what we were looking for?"
"You're going to testify against Anoleis," said Shepard, staring down the turian.
Wrex snorted, which did nothing to help the turian's rapidly declining mood. "Now that you have my property, you're trying to dictate how I use it?"
Shepard shrugged. "The way I see it, you have two options. Either I give you what I found, and you get to open your offices back up. Anoleis will still be in charge, but hey, it's not like he's ever going to give you trouble again after you busted up his merc ring, right? Or, if you're smart, you'll testify. Anoleis is out of the picture, and everyone gets a not-so-subtle reminder about what happens to people who get too uppity for their britches. Hell, with the power vacuum left over, who knows? Maybe some eloquent turian impresses the higher ups and gets a cushier job than he planned for."
Normally, Wrex hated talking to people. Why try and convince someone you're right when you can just blow them away? This was especially true with people too stupid to know better. But Shepard, she wasn't budging an inch. She'd laid it out straight, and the turian's beady little eyes were mulling over the possibilities. If he followed her advice, he might advance himself and then Shepard would be owed a favour. Wrex had been in the mercenary business a long time, and if there was one thing more valuable than a good gun, it was a favour, even if only slightly.
"All right," said Qui'in with a sigh. "I'll testify. Go make the arrangements."
"Pleasure doing business with you," said Shepard with a sardonic twist. She turned and walked away, taking a deep breath when they were far enough away from the turian that he wouldn't see it.
"That was pretty ballsy, ma'am," said Williams, smiling. "But what if he'd said no? He probably wouldn't have been willing to part with the garage pass after that, and Parsini probably wouldn't have given you one either."
"He didn't have a choice, Chief," said Shepard. "If he didn't testify, I wouldn't have given him what he wanted. He knew that."
There was something about the way it was said that made Wrex pay attention. As they descended yet another elevator (seriously, how many of the blasted things did one place need?), he studied her face. There was something hard under the skin, something ruthless. Shepard had always been tough – he would never have joined her crew otherwise – but he'd never believed, even for an instant, that she'd be willing to shoot an unarmed civilian to get what she needed, especially after her little spiel about the warehouse workers earlier.
He almost believed it now.
0-0-0
Okay, on the list of creepy places Ash had been, the broken down research lab on the snow planet with the giant acid-spitting bugs was at the top of the list. And here she thought the crew had maxed out when they encountered the giant sentient plant who could spit out zombies and asari clones. Or the planet with the spikes that turned human beings into drooling, tech-infused husks. Come to think of it, there didn't seem to be a world they visited that wasn't at least a little creepy. When a compound full of biotics run by a psychotic major-cum-preacher became your definition of normal…
Well, travelling with Shepard was certainly never boring. If this ever got made into a vid, they'd certainly have a lot of ammunition.
So far, they'd been attacked by mercs, geth, krogan, rachni, and now one psychotic asari. Shepard was a machine when the combat started. It was like she knew exactly what was going to happen half a second before it did, and Ash had never seen her Commander light up biotics like the ones she was doing now. Besides that thing from before – Shepard called it a shockwave, so yeah, the shockwave – she hadn't done anything spectacular or new, but the precision and the power… It was damned impressive. Ash had no idea if it was anything close to what the LT could do, but that wasn't surprising, considering he spent half his time holding back.
Shepard didn't hold back. Never had, but she was almost single-minded now, like she was getting through this as quickly as possible.
Wrex threw a particularly painful looking warp field at the asari, who doubled over in pain despite herself. Then Shepard came up the side and pulled her arm back, body glowing with eezo, and shoved a throw at the woman who… exploded. Ash couldn't help but gag slightly as she wiped some thick purple goo from her cheek.
"What the hell was that?" she demanded.
"Biotic detonation," said Shepard, nudging a chunk of Alessia Iallis with her boot as she holstered her shotgun.
"Thing of beauty," said Wrex.
Now, it wasn't that Ash disliked Wrex, exactly, but he was just so… krogan, and there was something highly uncomfortable about the way he and Shepard were fighting in sync. In fact, there'd been something a little off with Shepard this whole trip. It reminded Ash of the ruthless pragmatism demonstrated by some of her COs over the years – notably, those who had served during the First Contact War. It wasn't bad, not really, but it was different than the Shepard she was used to, the Shepard who tried to talk her way out of situations and only beat the bejesus out of people too moronic to take her mercy. She was reminded of Kaidan, and the concerns he'd raised back on the Normandy.
But then she reminded herself, Sovereign is a Reaper and Reapers can control people and If Saren finds the Conduit, then the Reapers will have the Conduit, and the Reapers destroyed the Protheans who were, from the sounds of it, eight million times more advanced than we are…
So from where she was standing, yeah, it made sense. The whole galaxy was at risk – well, more of a risk – and Shepard didn't have time to hold everybody's hand if she wanted to get to the Conduit first, especially after her little vacation in the hospital. Not that you'd know that only a day ago, they'd all worried she'd die.
"Let's get this vaccine to the doctor," said Shepard. "Faster we do that, faster we can get into maintenance."
Ash was really beginning to hate Peak 15. So far, nothing had gone right, and they still hadn't found Benezia yet. She still wasn't sure if it had been a good idea leaving T'Soni behind or not. Would the asari have attacked if she'd been with Shepard? Hard to say.
They returned to Dr. Cohen and Shepard produced the phial of vaccine. The doctor made a grab for it but Shepard held it out of reach, frowning. "I need something in return," said Shepard. "Your key to the maintenance corridor."
"Are you – are you blackmailing me with the cure for these people?" demanded Dr. Cohen. "That's… That's morally reprehensible."
"Kind of like fabricating bioweapons, huh?" asked Shepard, and when the doctor could only splutter in response, she added, "Yeah, I thought so. Here." She handed him the vaccine and held out her hand, waiting. The doctor fished around in his lab coat before pulling out the pass and giving it to Shepard. She looked like she was about to say thank you, but instead shook her head and back out they went.
The maintenance corridor was filled with snow, and Ash couldn't help but wish she had a parka instead of her armour. While a parka wouldn't stop a bullet, it would at least keep her arms from freezing off. Shepard was totally nonplussed, as was Wrex, and Ash decided she no longer wanted to be on missions with the two of them if they were going to act like twins. Fraternal twins, mind you, with Shepard getting the looks and smarts and, well, pretty much everything of value, but still.
Together, they took out a few lingering rachni before proceeding into the back passage. Nobody said a word until Shepard stopped short in front of a door, breathing deeply.
"Benezia should be through here," she said, and Ash wanted to ask how she knew for sure but then Shepard turned around and the question died. "We know she had geth shipped to her, so expect some of those. From what I understand, asari matriarchs also have followers, so be prepared for some pretty insane displays of biotics. Wrex, I want you to cover Ash as much as possible."
"Hey," interrupted Ash, skin prickling with annoyance, "I can take care of myself. I don't need this hulking mountain to protect me." Her mind flashed back to a few hours prior when she'd spooked – slightly, barely – and Wrex had said, It's probably just debris but don't worry, I'll protect you. As if she were some little girl that needed help. Well, she hadn't needed it then and she didn't need it now.
"Careful," said Wrex, but despite the warning inherent in that one word, there was a flash of amusement in his eyes. Bastard. "You might hurt my feelings."
"Listen," snapped Shepard, "these aren't going to be your run of the mill asari in there. You've seen Liara's biotics, right? They're impressive, but she hasn't been trained to kill with them. The people beyond this door have. Stay behind Wrex and try not to get caught in their mass effect fields, okay?"
Ash grudgingly nodded.
"I suppose you realize that this means I'm going to be getting the brunt of the damage, right?" said Wrex to Shepard.
Shepard clapped him on the shoulder. "You're the Hercules of krogan, Wrex. I know you can handle it."
"You humans like to hear yourself speak, you know that?"
Ash was about to retort when Shepard moved forward, unclipping her pistol as she went. An asari came into view on a dais, wearing an outfit that practically screamed villain. She looked down on them, and there wasn't a hint of mercy in her eyes and Ash knew that this was Benezia.
"You do not know the privilege of being a mother. There is power in creation. To shape a life. To turn it towards happiness or despair," said Benezia. "Her children were meant to be ours. Raised to hunt and slay Saren's enemies."
Okay, someone was riding the crazy bus.
Shepard raised her gun and fired, but Benezia held up a barrier to protect herself, frowning. "Tell me Commander, have you faced an asari commando unit before? Few humans have."
"Just one," said Shepard grimly.
The commandos and geth seemed to come out of nowhere, flinging mass effect fields left and right. Ash ducked behind a crate and Wrex stayed close to her, both of them firing with as much precision as their cramped quarters would allow. Shepard hesitated long enough for a few shots to ding off her shields before she crouched into cover as well. "Take out their barriers," she shouted. "Wrex, I'll set them up and then I need you to do a throw. You'll know when."
Shots echoed in Ash's ears as she ducked behind Wrex when a powerful warp got sent their way. The krogan grunted, but shrugged it off like it was no big deal. Then Shepard rolled out of cover and glowed blue, throwing her arms out. Ash peeked from behind her crate and saw a wobbling singularity hoist the enemy up into the air. Wrex pulled back his arm beside her, and every hair on Ash's body stood up as the scent of ozone filled the air. A loud crack echoed through the air and purple exploded where once the commandos had stood.
"With me," ordered Shepard, clambering up the stairs.
Benezia flung a container at Shepard using biotics, but Shepard countered with a barrier. The air was thick with ozone and it reminded Ash of that moment just before a thunderstorm, when the first streak of lightning plunged out of the sky and the first sonic boom cascaded in the distance and the wind picked up ever so slightly until you felt that at any moment, you would become weightless and float away.
Wrex surged into the fray, swatting Benezia so that she fell back against the railing. He raised his shotgun to shoot her, but Shepard placed her hand on his arm. He moved away with a snort, but kept his gun at the ready. Ash did too.
"This is not over," hissed Benezia. "Saren is unstoppable. My mind is filled with his light. Everything is clear."
"Is this indoctrination?" asked Ash, who could help but relate what Benezia was saying to all the old footage of cults.
"Yes," said Shepard, quietly.
"Can we shoot her yet?" asked Wrex.
Shepard crouched next to Benezia, whose breathing had become laboured. "I know part of you is still in there, Benezia."
"I will not betray him. You will – you…" Benezia brought trembling hands to her face and ducked her head, taking a shuddering breath. When she looked up, her eyes were bright. "You must listen. Saren still whispers in my mind. You…"
"I know," said Shepard, placing a hand on the woman's shoulder. "I know about it all. The indoctrination. Saren. Soverign. That's not why I'm here."
Benezia swayed. "You want the location of the relay."
"Yes," said Shepard.
Reaching into her pocket, the asari matriarch pulled out an OSD and pushed it into Shepard's hands. "There's one thing," said Benezia, her hand grappling onto Shepard's. "Saren, he wanted my daughter, Liara."
"She's with me," said Shepard. "She's safe. I'll keep her safe. I promise."
A tear leaked out of Benezia's eye as she closed her eyes. "I'm so glad she's not here. I don't want her to see me this way. Could you… Could you tell her I'm sorry?"
Ash hadn't ever really liked T'Soni. It wasn't anything personal, but Ash had never really trusted how serendipitous her rescue on Therum had been. Right then, though, she resolved to… well, if not make friends, then at least to be friendly. It was a hard thing to lose a parent.
Shepard nodded. "I'm sorry too."
"For what?" asked Benezia.
The gunshot was quiet, and the exit was clean. Benezia's body slumped down. You would've thought she was sleeping, but for the purple leak out the side of her skull. Shepard stood up, staring down at the body. She nodded, once, to herself, then turned to the tank.
Ash was about to ask what she was doing when Benezia's body twitched and started to stand. She was ready to riddle the thing with holes when Shepard said, "Stand down."
"What the hell is going on, Shepard?" demanded Wrex.
"This one," said Benezia, which was crazy because nobody should talk with a bullet through their brain, "serves as our voice. We cannot sing. Not in these low spaces. Your musics are colourless."
And, as if this trip couldn't get any weirder, it turned out that the rachni queen in the tank was using Benezia's corpse to speak. Frankly, Ash would've flipped the kill switch on this thing immediately, but Shepard stared at it, blank faced, her hands gripping her upper arms. Ash couldn't tell what she was thinking, not even when the damned thing asked if it could be let go.
"There are acid tanks rigged up on that thing," barked Wrex. "Set them off. Millions of my ancestors died to put these things down. Don't let them come back."
"Never thought I'd say this, but I agree with Wrex," said Ash. "It's too dangerous to let them go, Commander. Last time they were loose, they almost destroyed the galaxy. With the Reapers coming, that sounds like the last thing we need, right?"
Shepard said nothing for a long time. She didn't move. Ash couldn't even tell if she was breathing. Finally, she dropped her head. "You two, head out to the tram station. I'll meet you there."
"Shepard…" said Ash.
"I need to talk to her," said Shepard. "Alone."
So she and Wrex trooped out of the room, though not without one glance back in Ash's case. Shepard was squatting in front of the tank, her hand against the glass, speaking so lowly that her words were obscured. The door hissed shut behind them, and the two were left standing awkwardly in silence, wondering what the hell Shepard was up to. What felt like forever later, the door opened and Shepard emerged, flexing her hands like they were cramped.
"It's done," she said as she barrelled past them.
"Did you kill her?" demanded Wrex.
Shepard paused mid-stride. "Yes."
"Good," said Ash, and her sense of relief was infinite. "Commander, I really think you made the right call. She was dangerous."
Silence was the reply as Shepard made her way towards the hot labs to dispose of the rest of the rachni brood. As they descended the elevator, Ash pretended not to notice the way Shepard's eyes shined.
0-0-0
The truth was, she was hanging on by a thread.
Shepard walked into the comm room and struggled to maintain her composure as everyone turned to look at her. These were faces she knew as well as her own – hell, better, probably – but right now she couldn't bear to look at any of them. She felt like she was drowning, and she struggled to keep her breathing under control as she took her place in her seat.
"So what's our next move, Commander? Head for the Mu Relay?" asked Ash.
"No," said Shepard, though she had to struggle to get out the word. "We've got another assignment from the Council. We're headed to Virmire. They sent a reconnaissance team there to investigate one of Saren's operations, but they haven't heard anything. They want us to look into it."
"If Sovereign really is a Reaper, shouldn't we be headed after it and Saren rather than wasting our time on anything else?" queried Garrus, leaning forward.
God, she'd forgotten. Garrus had never liked authority, not even at the end, but over the years, he'd learned to think tactically. This Garrus, he was so young. They were all so goddamned young. They were like ghosts of themselves. It hurt to look at him, at them, to hear his voice, their voices.
"If Saren is up to something, that means that Sovereign is coordinating it. That means it's trouble. The last thing we need is some surprise coming at us sideways. I'm going to request some additional backup from the Council, so hopefully it'll be a quick in and out mission."
Like last time? Her hands gripped at the sides of her chair and she struggled not to think about it. She'd built her career on doing the seemingly impossible, but Virmire had always loomed like her own personal demon. It was the one stunning example that no matter what anyone ever thought of her, she was human and fallible and people paid the price for her limitations. Even with the Reapers touching down on dozens of different worlds, she would often wake with those words echoing in her mind.
I don't regret a thing.
"Commander?"
Shepard shook her head and pulled herself back into her body. "Sorry. Drifted away for a second there. We'll be arriving on Virmire in forty-eight hours. Get some rest before then. Dismissed."
Liara stood and walked over, her every emotion so easy to read. This was not the stoic Shadow Broker from three years in the future. This was the awkward and adorable archaeologist who had first wormed her way into Shepard's affection.
"Are you all right, Shepard? Do you need to go see Doctor Chakwas?"
The irony of the whole situation nearly made Shepard laugh out loud. Three years ago – or, would that be now? – it had been Liara who was sent to Chakwas after debriefing, not the other way around. "I'm fine, but thank you. I need to discuss my report with the Council, so if I might have some privacy?"
Still, Liara hesitated, eyes on the ground. "Shepard… About my mother…"
Oh. That. Of course.
Shepard could still remember her own mother, and how much it had hurt to lose her. To this day, the smell of cinnamon and real books brought back memories of warm arms and gentle kisses and identical complaints of unmanageable hair. She knew, better than anyone, that Liara would never recover from this, that it would haunt her.
Back then, Shepard had taken her with, not knowing what they were wandering into. She'd watched Liara's face crumple, watched how Liara had clung to the body of her mother, watched the numbness set in as Liara washed Benezia's blood from her armour. Leaving her behind… that was meant to be an act of mercy, of kindness. Or, at least, that was what Shepard had told herself as she made the decision.
The truth was, she just couldn't bear to witness Liara help kill her own mother for a second time.
Shepard stood, and placed her hands on Liara's shoulders. "She told me to tell you that she loved you, and that she was sorry."
Tears gathered in the creases of Liara's eyes. "But… I thought you said… Indoctrination…"
"She fought it off temporarily," said Shepard, "but she couldn't do it for long. Her last thoughts were of you."
Watching Liara try to remain unemotional, comparing her with the hardened woman she had to become during the next three years, it broke Shepard's heart. "Did it hurt?"
"I made sure it didn't."
"Thank you," said Liara, and after a moment, she leaned in and pecked Shepard's cheek. Then she was gone.
Shepard could still remember how Liara died. That last run to get to the Citadel, to get to the Catalyst, to fire off the Crucible. She could still remember how she'd glanced back to make sure that Liara and Garrus were okay, and how the mako had eclipsed the light from behind, and how blue eyes had met brown and the knowledge that passed between them and the refrain of words from earlier…
This is the end, isn't it?
"Commander, the Council's on the line. Do you want me to patch them through?"
"Do it," said Shepard, "and then excuse yourself from the channel, Joker."
"Of course, ma'am. What do you think I am, some sort of creep?"
"I mean it," said Shepard, resting her hands on the railing.
The holograms of the Councillors shimmered into existence in front of her, and there was a moment of silence as they all regarded each other. Despite what she knew about the future, Shepard was well aware that these people – with the exception of Tevos – were nearly her enemies now. If her history was anything to go on (and it was becoming abundantly clear that it was), they weren't going to believe her any time soon. But they didn't have to, they just had to help her.
"We've received your report," said Tevos. "Is it true that you found rachni on Noveria?"
"Found them and wiped them out," spat Sparatus. "Do you take pleasure from committing genocide, Shepard?"
She hadn't planned on slamming her hands against the rail, but it was suddenly done and she was left raging. "And if I'd let them live, you'd be berating me for the risk I unleashed on the galaxy," snapped Shepard. "Listen, I made a tactical decision and it wasn't one I made lightly."
The choice hadn't been easy. She'd knelt in front of the rachni queen and she'd told the queen everything. Whether or not the queen had believed her was irrelevant. If she was going to wipe out the last member of a species, she at least wanted to explain herself. The rachni queen wasn't the problem. The problem was the Reapers, and the fact that, unless something drastic happened, there was a high probability that they would find the queen and use her to make Reaper ground forces. No rachni queen, no ravagers. No ravagers, fewer Reaper forces. Fewer Reapers forces, a better chance for everyone else.
It had come down to the hard line: was the harm done by rachni husks outweighed by the eventual good done by the rachni queen? Despite her best efforts, the answer had, unfortunately, been no.
So she'd hit the release on the acid tank and sat next to the tank while the queen screamed and died.
"We understand Shepard," said Tevos, before Sparatus could reply. "You were put in a difficult position and acted as you thought best."
There was no real praise there. Tevos kept her voice professionally neutral and her body stiff, but Shepard knew that it was likely as close as she'd ever get to gratification from any of the Council members, at least until the Reapers rolled into town and they were forced to confront the reality of the situation. Again.
"Thank you, Councillor," said Shepard.
"Then if there's nothing else," said Valern, clearing his throat.
"There is, actually," said Shepard, her heart a war drum in her ears. She stood up straight. "I am requesting additional assistance for the mission on Virmire."
"On what grounds?" asked Sparatus.
"On the grounds that Saren is growing himself a krogan army, and he's indoctrinating them as they emerge to follow his orders without question."
"And your source for this information?" inquired Valern, and upon seeing her flat look, added, "Ah. Yes. Your claim of foreknowledge."
"Captain Kirrahe's message was always for additional ground support – more than just the Normandy," said Shepard, licking her teeth. "There are geth and krogan swarming all over that place. We only just managed to blow it sky high last time, and that was with an improvised explosive and only seconds to spare. I'm living proof that things can change. What if we fail this time?"
Valern stilled. "You know of Captain Kirrahe?"
Irritation beat fists against the inside of Shepard's skull. "Councillor, with all due respect, can we all just assume, from now on, that I have lived this all before? If we have to debate about my origins every time I do a debriefing, we're going to waste a lot of time."
The Councillors all looked at each other and shared some silent communication that Shepard couldn't be bothered to try and work out. It was Tevos who said, "The reason we sent STG out there in the first place is that it's remarkably close to the Traverse. We can't risk openly sending our troops."
"Then send another STG squad," said Shepard.
"It takes time to establish a pretense for a ship entering that part of space," said Valern. "Your report says you're on your way to Virmire now. That's hardly enough forewarning."
The bottom plummeted out of the room, and Shepard struggled to remain standing. "So you're not going to help."
"Our hands are tied in this matter, Commander," said Tevos, even though what she really meant was my hands are tied, Shepard.
"I see," whispered Shepard. "If that's all, Councillors." She didn't wait to hear their reply before she disconnected.
The truth was, she couldn't decide if this was punishment or salvation.
She left the comm room slowly, as though her limbs were attached to balloons and might, at any moment, float away without her. She made her way down the steps, running her hand down the smooth planes of the wall, and trying not to remember how the heat had licked up against her armor during the Collector attack. One foot, then the other. She just needed to make it to her quarters. She just needed to be alone.
Kaidan was at his workstation. He glanced up with a smile and it was all Shepard could do to stop herself from losing the contents of her stomach. He was so alive. A surge of conflicted emotions threatened to wash her away. She remembered toeing the line between attraction and something more, the little dance they did with each other on the SR-1. And she remembered how the almost love story ended.
"Commander, you okay?" he asked, coming forward. His hand touched her arm, barely.
Her hands were trembling as she cupped his cheeks, eliciting a surprised puff of air from him. She wanted to memorize the planes of his face, the colour of his eyes, the one wisp of hair that wouldn't stay put. She'd nearly forgotten what he'd looked like, even with his ghost standing just behind her nearly the entire course of the war.
The truth was, she'd almost loved this man once, and she left him to die.
Peeling her hands away, she balled them into fists at her side. "I'm sorry, Lieutenant," she said, though she wasn't sure if it was because she'd been overly personal or because she'd made that fateful choice three years ago. "You should go get some sleep."
"Shepard," he said, reaching out to her.
"Please," she said.
Kaidan dropped his arm and nodded. Shepard brushed past him and into her quarters, sealing the door behind her and falling back against it. When she opened her eyes, it was not the room she wanted to see. She couldn't lie and say that going back to military-grade accommodations after the SR-2, but that wasn't it. She had so few memories in this room, and so many in the other.
She dropped her body into a chair and ran her hands down her face. She wasn't acting like she should. From the slight hitches in behaviour from Wrex and Ashley while on Noveria, she knew she wasn't behaving like… like how she would've three years ago. Three years ago, she would've given everyone a fair chance, whether they deserved it or not. Three years ago, she believed that it was critically important that she adhere to her moral standard, even if nobody else would.
The truth was, the universe didn't give a flying fuck about morality.
It was something she still struggled with, though she knew it was true. Ironically, it had been Garrus who had taught her to look at the hard truths – the same Garrus who'd been on the receiving end of a lecture three years prior about the difference between good guys and bad guys. He'd never said anything about it, never recalled Dr. Saleon, but she knew he'd remembered, and she knew he'd struggled with making the hard choices with her words batting about him like flies that just wouldn't go away.
Shepard's eyes drifted towards her nightstand and she got up to squat in front of it. She pulled a box from the bottom shelf and lifted the lid. Inside were the remnants of old books, badly burned and yellowing from age. Some of the covers were missing. They'd belonged to her mother, and they were the only thing Shepard had ever recovered from Mindoir. She'd mourned them badly when the SR-1 was blown out of the sky, and their death had been a truer than her own, in some ways.
She ran her fingers over the pages before replacing the box and putting it back. Standing, she realized there was only one person in the whole world she wanted to talk to.
Everything was quiet on the lower decks. Ash and Kaidan had retreated to sleep. Liara was probably staring at the ceiling in the medbay. Wrex was propped up against the lockers, snoring away.
Garrus was awake, tinkering with the mako. Of course.
"Hey," she said in greeting, shoving her hands into her pockets.
He startled slightly – something he did very infrequently in the future – and turned. Shepard had to bite her lip and turn her eyes to the ground to stop herself from giving him the same treatment she'd given Kaidan earlier. It was different with Garrus though. While she'd nearly forgotten the intricacies of Kaidan's face, she'd spent so much time studying Garrus' that seeing him without his scars, without the weariness in his eyes was… weird.
"Shepard," he said with a nod. "Something I can do for you?"
"Doing some calibrations on the mako?" she queried with a grin.
"Yeah," he said, "you really busted her up during your last mission." Garrus gave her a meaningful look. "Heavy stuff, down there."
"Yeah," said Shepard, running a hand over her annoyingly short hair. "It's only going to get worse." She put her back to the mako and dropped down until she was seated, hugging one leg to her body while stretching the other out.
"You, uh, you want to talk about it?"
"Not really." Shepard turned her face up to him. "Tell me something about yourself, Garrus."
"About me?" he asked, blinking.
"About your childhood or something. I need to… I need to be distracted from my own thoughts for a while. Tell me whatever."
Garrus shuffled awkwardly. "Well, I was born on Palaven…"
As he gave her a summary from his childhood, it dawned on Shepard that she'd heard most of them before. Only, rather than a litany of details, there had been stories, shared as they traced faint scars over their bodies, swapping story for story. How Garrus had played a prank on his sister, Solana, and she'd thrown a metal figurine at him hard enough to cut. How Shepard had been playing hopscotch as a girl – a game Garrus had decided was not only boring, but pointless – and had misjudged her last hop, sliding on gravel and splitting her lip wide open. How Garrus hadn't been properly prepared to shoot his first sniper rifle, and the kickback had caught him in the face.
The truth was, his awkward conversation was like a knife in her heart.
If this had been in the future, if this had been her Garrus, she would've wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his chest and cried while he held her. He would've made adorable attempts to soothe her, while nuzzling her hair with his face, his body thrumming with the vibrations of his sub-vocals. Probably, they both would've shed their clothing and curled together, for sex or sleep, spending the night together regardless of which.
Only, this man in front of her had never done any of those things. Not yet.
Always.
And... things become complicated.
This chapter was a bitch to write. No real idea why. I think the next few should go easier.
Hope you enjoyed!