Surviving on Your Own

Innocence Lost

Mondays are always the worst. I'm putting off paperwork in favor of playing another game of online poker. At this point I don't know my wins versus my loses. I've done this too much and I know that. But I need a rush to fill the endless boredom that is my life these days. Unfortunately, my money is inextricably linked with the company's. I must not be loosing too much since no one has seemed to notice.

I think my gambling got worse after that kiss with Kenta a month ago. He hasn't looked at me the same since. When we interact we try our best to avoid eye contact. Our once friendly relationship has turned very awkward.

Maybe I should just face the music and admit I might be gay. Might be. It's not like I would be faced with endless discrimination. Of course there's still bigots and groups of people who hate homosexuals, but it's not as bad as it used to be. Gays can marry and adopt children and live normal lives just like heterosexuals. So why do I fight it? I just, I just don't want to be that way. I'm the only male in my family left. I should marry a woman and have a wholesome life that way, right?

But I keep finding myself looking at men. And I have dreams about Trowa. Hmm, Trowa, I miss him. I still miss them all. Sometimes I'll start an email to one of them with the intent of sending it, but in the end I never do. Every now and then I'll look up Trowa's circus troupe to see where they are. They travel throughout the colonies and occasionally go to Earth when they have a sponsor. They're coming to L4 soon. Maybe I should go, just to see how he's doing.

Fuck! I just lost, again. I feel like I'm loosing more and more these days.

Read documents, sign papers, revise propositions, sit in tedious meetings that seem to go nowhere. That has been my morning so far. It's only Tuesday, and Friday can't come soon enough.

But it's lunch now, and I sit in a very fine restaurant waiting for Rashid to join me. I see him enter the establishment, smile and wave for him to come over. He's come all the way from the Middle East just to visit, and I couldn't be happier.

"Master Quatre, it's been far too long," he says in that rich deep baritone voice.

"Hello Rashid, it's so good to see you," I say with a smile. We shake hands and sit.

He gazes fondly at me, "Tell me Master Quatre, how have you been doing?"

I smirk and roll my eyes, "The wars over Rashid, you don't need to call me 'Master' anymore. And I've been doing fine. Working with my father's company and trying to live up to him and his expectations. It's rather dull though."

A deep chuckle rumbles from him, "Alright, from now on its just Quatre. It's good to see you are doing well. Do you enjoy your place at Winner Enterprise Inc?"

I huff out a sigh, "Not exactly, I'm not sure I like being so involved in the business world," I answer honestly. "And I don't take any pleasure from being thrust in front of the media, but someone has to do it, right?"

"If it's not what you wish to do, why don't you hand over the position to one of your sisters?" Rashid implores.

"My father wanted me to follow in his footsteps."

"Yes, and he wanted you to be a pacifist like him, but you fought alongside the Gundams anyways."

"Good point," I laugh, but it lacks humor. "I'd just like to honor him in someway. Even if it is working in a career that I don't really care for."

The waitress comes and takes our order for food and drinks. I'm glad for the distraction, and for the end of that particular conversation. I try not to dwell on the fact that I'm living in my fathers shadow.

"How have you and the Maganacs been?" I turn the table from myself to him.

"We've done very well. It's nice to have so much peace in our homeland. Many nations of the Middle East have seen so much turmoil and war, it's nice that for now, our countries have laid down their guns," he says while appearing to reflect on something. "We even have some of our peace thanks to your friend, Wufei," he grins.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"There was a terrible slave prostitution ring going around, and Wufei was in charge of the Preventer unit that took them down. Now our women are safer and more protected from being kidnapped and sold into sex slavery."

I'm - for lack of a better term - fucking amazed! "When was this?" I ask excitedly.

Rashid looks at me quizzically, "About half a year after the Eves War. Didn't he tell you about it?"

I slump a bit in my seat, "No, we have not kept in contact with each other."

He shrugs his big shoulders and says, "I guess that's not too surprising. He was always a lone wolf. What about the others?"

I shake my head. "I haven't contacted any of them since we said goodbye after our last battle. They haven't contacted me either," I answer.

"That's a terrible shame. Do you miss them?" Rashid asks.

"Yes, of course I do. I miss them all. Maybe one day we can reunite," I shrug.

He smiles at me, "Yes, maybe one day. I bet you miss one of them more than the others though, hmm?"

"What do you mean?"

"I saw the affection in your eyes whenever you looked at Master Barton," he says while bouncing an eyebrow. All I can do is blush, and try to find something to look at besides Rashid's face. "You know, he gave you the same look."

No I didn't know. Or maybe I don't want to know. Or maybe I did and just feigned ignorance. Either way, I can't face this now. He's not even here and I haven't seen him in almost a year and a half. Why aren't these feelings gone? Who holds onto a crush for this long?

I didn't just think that. I never crushed on him. *Yes you did. More than a cru-* SHUT UP! I can't deal with this right now.

Rashid, sensing my discomfort, lets the conversation end there. Our meals come and we enjoy a nice lunch with no further prying into me or my life.

After lunch, I returned to my office. Finished my duties and left. Now I can relax and try to win back some of the money I lost. I need to check my email first. Hmm, looks like there's an evening get together between politicians and business figures at Relena's estate in Brussels this Saturday. She's invited me personally. I'll have to attend to save face. It might even be nice, I haven't been to earth in a while.

The guest list tells me who will be attending. I recognize many of the names, but there's one that stands out. Dorothy Catalonia. Great, I get to socialize with the wench that stabbed me. At least it's on Saturday, I'll still get to see Trowa at the circus on Friday.

My Wednesday affairs were no different from the norm. Just work and fucking around on my desktop. Today was uneventful, and I'm glad I haven't been forced to make a public speech for the media for a while now. I think that's my least favorite part of this job.

I don't want to be in the public eye. I wish I could have faded into the fold of time like the others.

Damn. That just brought up my bizarre dream back to the center of my mind. Being an extreme empathe gives me lucid dreams that I'm not sure what to make of. I saw Duo, drowning in some kind of glass fixture. Wufei, cradling his head in his hands. I saw Trowa, lonely and an emotion wafting off him that I can only describe as longing and loss. Heero, falling into a dark void. I awoke with my chest in severe pain. Dear God, I hope my dream was just that, a dream. But that voice that is my space heart, tells me otherwise.

It's three in the morning, technically Thursday, and I'm making a cup of tea after having that awful dream.

"Mister Winner," I hear the whispered words come from behind me. It's Kenta. "What are you doing up at this hour?" I feel déjà vu claiming my senses. Isn't this what happened last time we found each other in the kitchen late at night?

"I'm just making myself some tea so I can hopefully go back to bed," I tell him without looking at him.

I hear him sigh, "Do you have enough water boiling for two?"

"Uh, yeah," I turn and look at his green eyes. He's standing so close again. How did he get so close? We look into each others eyes. We're both searching for something.*Youre searching for -* Please, not now...just let me...just let whatever happens happen.

We're in the same exact position as last time. Shoulder to shoulder. This time I lean forward and claim his lips with my own. He responds and clutches me in a tight embrace. I open my mouth and give him the permission he seeks to plunder me. Our tongues collide and meet in a hurried haze.

His lips trail from my mouth to my ear, "Please, let me touch you," he whispers. This time I can't do anything but slump into him. I'm aroused, and I can feel his excitement against my upper thigh. Oh please, just do what you want to me. Clutching his bare shoulders, I nod.

Kenta's hands trail down my back and to my hips. He presses a palm to my groin and I'm on fucking fire. I've never felt this alive, not even in the midst of battle. I place my hand over his clothed erection, and dear God, it feels good to touch another man like this.

We both reach under the fabric of our cotton pajama bottoms at the same time, grasp each other, and moan. Oh Lord, touching another man is the most arousing experience I have ever had. He's heavy, firm, and soft in my hand.

We stroke each other as our tongues dance. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't enjoy another mans touch, but I do. He comes over my hand, and on my hip with a groan.

Kenta pushes me against the counter, pushes my pj pants down further, they pool around my ankles. He breaks our kiss and shoves a finger in his mouth. Pulling it out, he maneuvers his free hand between my legs, and OH FUCK! He pushed it inside me. Nnnn, I'm panting into his mouth. He massages my prostate with that one finger, and I don't think I can take anymore. I come harder than I ever have before.

We breathe shallowly, resting our heads on each others shoulders. I lightly push him away, pull up my bottoms, and leave the kitchen. I know he's staring at me as I walk away. I can feel his eyes on me. I just need to be alone.

I've been spending most of today working vigorously. Trying not to think of what happened between Kenta and I last night.

Obviously it's not working. I can't be gay. I don't want to be gay. *Its not something you ch-* Yeah! Okay, whatever. Ugh I don't know what to do. I think I've read the paper that's in front of my face at least five damn times.

Alright focus Quatre! You got your ticket for the circus tomorrow, and your flight for Earth the next day! The weekends going to be fun and relaxing. Just get through today!

I came here to the circus alone. Drove my own car because I want to do this by myself. I've dressed myself in average clothes, a ball cap, and dark sunglasses to hide my identity. I don't want to be recognized while I'm out.

By the time I arrived the show had already started. I gave my ticket for entry and was going to make my way to my seat when I decided to stop and just watch from the entrance where no one could see me. I'm hidden in the shadows, and that's where I want to stay. I didn't come to see the whole show. I didn't even come to speak with him. I just want a glimpse and then I'll be satisfied.

I watch a few acts before he's finally in the center ring. He sits in a metal hoop. My chest constricts at the sight of him. He looks the same, from a distance. Happiness wafts over me as I watch him being lifted high above the ground. He does flips, twirls, and other acts in and around the hoop with the grace and flexibility that he possesses in his strong frame.

My heart starts to throb with pain and longing, my breathing becomes labored. I turn and exit the tent before his performance is over. I've received what I wanted by coming here. Just a glimpse. And if I stay too long I'll want more.

I rush to my car, breathing heavily as perspiration breaks out on my brow. My hands tremble as I start my car, and make haste for the drive home. I need to pack to leave for Earth tomorrow.

My flight to Earth was the red-eye that left at one in the morning. Thanks to modern aerospace technology the flight through space will only be thirteen hours. I slept the first seven and spent the remainder of the flight catching up on work. It was 4 o'clock by the time I landed in Brussels. I changed in a limo on the way to Relena's estate. Her estate is just as large and luxurious as my own, if not more so.

"I'm so glad you could make it," she greeted me at the door.

"So am I," I said as we hugged.

"Guess who's here," she prompted excitedly.

"Who?"

"Wufei! He's assigned to my guard detail for this evening," she said happily. "So he's working, but still. He's here and you should go find him." She ushered me inside.

I walked through the hall keeping my eyes peeled for a mysterious Chinese man. Nervousness and anxiousness rattled my bones. I just saw Trowa, and now I get to see another old comrade. Passing through the doorway to the banquet hall I spied him immediately. He stood stock straight at the right end of the room. As I approached him we made eye contact. His brown eyes filled with shock and something akin to fear. Those emotions vanished quickly and was replaced with uncertainty.

"Hello Wufei," I greeted with a smile.

"Winner," he said with a nod.

I turned to look over at the people and stood beside him. I know eye contact sometimes makes him uncomfortable. "How are you? It's been a long time," I ask.

"Fine, just working," he says, but I feel he's lying. I saw light bruises on his cheekbone and along his jaw. Nothing too serious, but his knuckles are nicked up too. "How about yourself?"

"I'm doing fine, and just working a lot as well," I answer. "Do you enjoy working with the Preventers?"

"Yes, it's very fulfilling. Do you like your position in your father's company?"

"Yes and no," I reply. "I don't enjoy the endless paperwork and meetings, or being in front of the camera for the media, but I do like thinking the work we do is good for people somewhere."

"So all you do is work?" He asks.

"Yes," I lie. It's a white lie, but I'm not about to tell fucking Chang Wufei I gamble on a daily basis to ward off boredom. But I still feel the pang of guilt for such a small lie. To change the subject, and hide my discomfort I ask, "Have you heard from the others?" I don't have to elaborate on who I'm inquiring about.

Wufei's posture stiffens and he gruffs out, "No, have you?"

I shake my head. "No you're the first one I've spoken to since our goodbyes here in Brussels a year and a half ago. I did see Trowa though, yesterday."

He eyes me curiously. "You didn't speak with him?"

"No," I sigh. "I watched him perform with his circus briefly and then left." He seems surprised by this.

"Oh," he nods his head. "I should go look around the perimeter and check what's going on in the security room."

"Okay," we shake hands. "We should stay in touch, Wufei. I've missed you." He nods again appearing to be uncomfortable and a little sad, but I can feel a bit of warm happiness flow through him as well.

He leaves and I make my rounds through the party goers, making small talk and chatting with many familiar faces. We eat and elegant dinner, and drink champagne. I catch a few more glances of Wufei, but I miss the chance to approach him again.

After dinner, and after one too many glasses of alcohol, I turn to find myself face to face with Dorothy Catalonia. Damnit! I've been purposefully avoiding her, and she fucking sneaks up behind me.

"Quatre, it's so good to see you," she says, sarcasm dripping from every word.

"Good to see you as well," I reply as nicely as I can in my uncommonly inebriated state. One of her forked eyebrows raise, and a devilish smirk plays on her lips. "How are you Miss Catalonia?"

She chuckles, "Fine, all is good. Have you had a little much to drink?"

What the hell? I didn't slur, am I swaying? I don't like the way she's looking at me, like she finds oh so funny and interesting. "Not enough yet," I say a little loudly and down the rest my glass, and promptly pick up another from a waiter passing by. She laughs.

"Why don't you and I talk somewhere more private?"

"Why?" I ask sounding obviously displeased by the idea. She laughs more, but says nothing as she pulls me from the room by my elbow.

She leads me through the hall and into a study. The walls are lined with books and there's a grand mahogany desk at one end of the room and a plush red couch at the other. She lets me go and I plant my butt on the couch.

Dorothy walks over to the desk and leans against. "Tell me Quatre," she pauses and takes a sip from her champagne glass, "do you still fence?"

A dry laugh escapes my mouth, "Don't tell me you brought me here for a duel. This surely isn't the time or place for that."

"No," she laughs. "But I do like to duel. In more ways than one," she says coyly with a wink. Dear God, please don't be hitting on me, that's beyond weird.

"What do you mean?" I ask while tugging on the collar of my tuxedo shirt and taking a nervous gulp of my drink.

She sauntered over to me and sits on lap. "I think you know what I mean," she muttered as she runs a finger along the bridge of my nose. She takes my drink and places it on the floor with hers. Pushing me down onto the couch, she straddles my hips, and runs her hands over my clothed chest. I'm too shocked to react in anyway.

Her mouth descends on mine, and I inhale sharply through my nose. She swipes her tongue against my closed lips and I open them instinctually. Her tongue dives into my mouth, she tastes of champagne. I respond tentatively, unsure if I want to keep this going. If I have sex with her it might give me the answer to wether I'm gay or not...

*You shouldn't do this.* My space heart tells me, but were already here, and I just want to know.

Dorothy grinds her body against mine, and I groan at the contact. "We gotta be quick about this," she murmurs. I nod as she begins to work the belt on my pants. She pulls them and my boxers down mid thigh. I'm only half erect and this displeases her. She lowers her head to my groin and takes me into her mouth, smearing her red lipstick against my flesh.

Moaning, I throw my head back and close my eyes. I've never done this before and it feels good, in a matter of moments I'm fully aroused. She stops and shimmies out of her undergarments while leaving her black evening gown on.

As she takes her place on top of me again I can feel her moistness against my bare crotch. I let out a shaky breath as she lowers her body onto my shaft. It's warm and it does feel good, but strange and wrong at the same time. She pushes down the top of her strapless dress exposing her ample breast. Grabbing my hands, she places them on her chest. Her mounds feel unnaturally squishy.

We pant together as she rides me. I move with her a bit, but most let her do the work. Eventually it comes to an end and I ejaculate inside her with a pathetic whimper.

We re-dress quietly. She gives me a funny look before asking, "Was that your first time?"

"Yes," I answer without looking at her.

She laughs, "Oh, that's rich!" Fuck you, bitch.

I hastily exit the room before she's finished fixing her make up. I find Relena in the banquet hall and tell her I need to leave and thank her for her hospitality. I also ask her to say goodbye to Wufei for me. Once I'm in my limo and on the way to my hotel, I begin to shake. I fell filthy, cheap, and used.

I spend my whole flight on Sunday gambling on my laptop. Desperately trying to avoid thinking about what happened the other night. I end up loosing...way too much. I'll have to get most or all of it back if I don't want my CFO to find out. Shit.